It is our lot
To tabulate
This formula before us.

The sin lies
in thinking
We all have the same puzzle
To solve.

Dear reader,
Though we come from the same source,
The forces that guide us are quite dissimilar.

I assure you I have none of your pieces.
Understand me,
And you may know what peace is.

Our worries, endless as they may be,
Aren't shared,
And that's quite alright.
That's quite alright.

I am the blood of a million failures
Whose only success
Was making the next.
A jellyfish floating by
Hoping to catch what nourishment I can with my tendril soul.
I am not whole,
I was broken from the start.
And I do not know
Where the swallows go when they are not resting upon my window.
Perhaps some place higher than I ever had the ability to imagine.

I speak as though you are familiar, but we lost each other long before our formation. At this point, words are too much information when all anyone wants is to feel.
I feel for you,
But introductions and conclusions always were my weakness,
So I'll float on
Forever

Forever


Forever



Forever

The shiver down my spine
Is a ghost touch
From your tender fingers
Tracing the essence of my being.
Signs of the times
Told me our love was fleeting,
But I did not heed 'em-
The future is always too far away to be feared.

Well,
It's here,
And I didn't prepare like I should've-

Paralyzed by some inescapable sense
Of Now...

Like a moth, I seek flames to ignite matchstick eyes.
I fear kodokushi.
I fear failure.
But most of all, I fear the way traffic moves so slowly towards nowhere.
The trivial things I wish I could escape but can not.
And I know the answers to questions no one has asked...
It is not enough.
I just want to crumple into my self
Like a spider dying.
Becasue I fear everything life has to offer,
And death holds all the promise.
I stifle a few tears
Just to write
Afraid to be exposed by the light
For I am just....

Where is
The escape
From the shackle
That is the body?
There's a whole universe
We'll never experience
Because we're trapped in time
And physics
And scientific laws.
I want to create
Matter
From thin air.
I want to feel
Star explosions.
I want to inhale quasars.
I am not god,
But I am not man either.
A Career, money, taxes, security;
These are the least of my worries.
Each year spent in incarceration,
The soul dies....
How am I supposed to see value in this world
If I have cosmic eyes?

On this day, one of the few I look to see what's going on around me,
I finally notice I'm out of place;
Amongst teens that speak of a love they don't truly know, that's why they speak of it so romantically.
And the older souls so full of hope. The brightest future shows itslef when you go through a dark past, but, in that case, an incandescent bulb would do- that is the tragedy. Not everyone gets a sun. I sit here dumb trying to be a part of something I am not.  A poet... no.
A writer... no.
Just a man
With too much time
Not enough heart.

Tears roll down and sear my face. You would think I'd finally get used to this place- this world of perfect imperfection. How many lessons is one to learn? How many times must one burn under a sun indifferent to our existence? I want to scream in people's faces, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" But they wouldn't listen. What use is this toungue if I cannot speak? What use are these lungs if I cannot breathe easy? I have an anxious disposition and the universe laughing in derision at me doesn't help any.

And so
The wind changes
The birds sing along.
I'm going to Dakota
Where the cold silence is understood.
As the rose blooms,
My grip loosens;
The thorns didn't hurt very long.
"Why haven't I done it sooner?"
I guess I just wanted someone to feel the pain I feel.

I'm sorry
I tricked you
Into loving me......

Forgotten how to cry
Tragedy tragedy tragedy
Has numbed the pain
Unfortunately
Only the dull remains.
Forgotten
What it's like to die
Slowly
Day by day.
Some demon eye watches
From a dark grey sky
Tempering
My tamagahane soul.
Belong above the moon
Light years above this place
As Bowie plays
Exclusively for lost ears.
A voice tells me,
"In life, you're either in pain or in delusion."
I've been losing
My grip
On this string of reality.
Forgotten how to cry.
What's even the point of these eyes?
To watch the crumbling stars;
Struggling to figure out what we are?
To look through darkness
For some kind of hope?
This is my drink.
This is my dope.
No need to think.
No need to cope.
I'm drowning in the quicksand.
End this poem
End it all.
Blood, like rainfall
Keeps me talking tall
But falling short of paradise.
I'm in danger.....

I had a vegetarian steak.
It wasn't horrible,
But it wasn't great.
I'm in a vegetative state.
Not really living,
Not really dead.
Cocooned in silk.
Waiting to molt into
Some thing of a greater ilk
-don't think I ever will-
Diamond encrusted shackles
Glimmer pretty in sunlight,
But I can't wipe tears away from my eyes. I have no joys,
No fears, no meassage,
No thoughts worth thinking anymore.
Vessel broken, I'm sinking into depression more and more. I have suffered, as we all have. I have struggled, as we all still do. We are the same, but I cannot connect to any one of you. What do I have left? Music, women, drugs, poetry, TV, liquor; all the distractions are pointless now. As i stare off into space reminiscing simpler times, I realize, I never really named the voice in my head. I can't mourn it now that it's dead.
Life is a paper plane in space flying toward the sun.

I'm in trouble....

I long for your voice.

I can't hold my liquor;
I'm not a lightweight, I literally can't hold the bottle, but I can hold a battle with my demons for the remainder of the night. It's not an anger that consumes me, It is fear. I'm afraid of us and for us. I can't hold my liquor, but the fear doesn't sway, it's simply numb, like dentists drilling your teeth after a shot of novacane. Frank Ocean plays in the background. My soul is fragmented across multiple songs and melodies that's why I drop to my knees and sob uncontrollably- the memories come rushing back. I've forgotten what it's like to feel except through other people's art. I'm afraid I can't be whole. I can't hold my liquor, and as I walk outside I see a dead cat boiling on tarmac still hot from the Texas summer. And the birds are free, but they can't fly against the wind, that is where salvation lies and that's the catch. I'm afraid the mortal condition can never be cured, even in death. I can't hold on to hope, but the bottle is within arms reach, I just need a better grip.

The moon shines
Through my blinds.
Insomnia creeps up from behind,
"Where do you think you're going?"

I was a fool to think I could run-
For thinking I could change my outcome by being numb.
To darkness, I succumb.
I've forgotten faces, emotions, memories;
What keeps me up?
Why am I up?

We all pay penalties
For living,
But why must we find reasons to live?


.......its 2:22 A.M.
And dreams
Are dying
Under the skyline
And sounds of dogs barking.

At least I'm not the only one up

This thing, like a paintbrush on my fingertips, seeks solace in my bed. It purrs at the slightest touch-
I never could quite wrap my head around how we find comfort from inhuman sources. But here we are at 4 AM, as my best thoughts slip away into the forgotten night. It yawns and stretches next to me; I may as well fall asleep while I still can.

Ecclesiastes speaks my soul.
All that I know
Had already been known.
What purpose is my toil
If I am destined to return to soil
And give rise to another who is the same as me?
Wisdom brings no peace-
Ignorance, no clarity;
Where then does felicity reside?
Oh! The irony of curiosity
Knowing **** well
It brings only more strife...
Why God
WHY
is life?

I feel
Powerless
In a world that
Acknowledges
Only power.
Do I even exist?
My voicemail has too many
Unread messages.
I live in the vestiges
Of broken hearts.
I bear resemblances
To tragic arts.
I walk through
A world of slaughter-
Finding words to ease the pain
Is getting harder.
Words now,
Only spew.
Words with meaning,
Are few.
A New World,
But nothing is new
Say a word long enough
And it doesn't make sense.
Do a thing long enough and.......


Powerless
Powerless
Powerless
Powerless
Powerless
Powerless
Powerless
Powe­rless
Powerlesspowerlesspowerlesspowerlesspowerless.

My thoughts coalesce into something they shouldn't be.
Thinking of becoming someone that isn't me.
My family has such a beautiful tree.
Hang myself
As a beautiful leaf.
All we ever looked for was some sort of relief.
All we ever wanted was some sort of belief.
But how could we believe in you all,
When you
Lie instead of talking tall?
How do we believe in ourselves,
When all we know is how to fail?

Oh, cotton candy is falling from the sky.
Pink clouds on fire-
Pink matter.
This world is cold,
I can't stand her.
The heart is tattered.
We never really mattered.

You've been gone too long now.
The tree splits the skies
Rooms filled with dyes
Of pink.
What are we left to think
Or feel
Except..... powerless.

As the world sleeps,
I creep through empty streets
And darkened alleys.
Need a cure for maladies of the soul.
Luckily, some guy in skinny jeans,
a L.A. fitted and Nikes provides.
I don't dream anymore, reality is more absurd.
I'd like to explain my life, but I don't know the words.
I've been lost- at odds with it all.
I don't get even- I just wait for the world to fall
-Fall it shall-
I know how to die with style;
Bukowski showed me how.
I know how to handle the pain.
Javier Solis is singing about it now.
I know what it's like to swim,
But do you know how to drown?

People idolize butterflies
For their beauty,
But curse their fragility.

Being human
Is wanting to contain
That which is better off
Free;

The essence we so desperately

Desire.

I'm watch the news talk about school shootings on the rise. Middle class families crying that their children shouldn't have to worry about gun violence- a novel idea. I'm not trying to say the events aren't tragic, because they are, but I think back on a time time- I was eight or nine- and I was at the corner store buying chips and a soda after scrounging all day for money. I had the bag in my hand and I was opening the fridge when shots rang out- they always sound like firecrackers- and I ducked and waited. When all was said and done I payed and left. As I walked out, I saw the bullet holes perforating the store wall. "Our kids are supposed to be safe." They say. How is it I learned that is not the case long before most? sigh I don't mean to come off as insensitive, but I guess I can't help it?
Idk....

Nothing going on

Here.....

No me entiendes
Simplemente por que no quieres
Hacer el esfuerzo.
es culpa de nadien-
No queremeos amor
Sin retorno;
Lo entiendo,
Pero sin Valor,
Tal vez
Es justo
Que nunca
Ganamos
Nada.

You are a source of smiles in my life of bleakness.
My one desire, my only weakness.
To call it love would be cliché,
But you are the one; my saving grace.
That's how I feel, though I don't always show it.
That's how I feel about you, and you should always know it.

The day will come
When taking a ****
Will Seem a task greater
Than storming the beaches of Normandy.

On that day,
My bones,
Like wind chimes
Singing in the wind,
Will burn
A dull but ever-lasting flame.
A dying star
Taking its last breaths
And all will stand in wonderment
Asking themselves
"What now"
But only I will know.

From ash
A Phoenix rises
Only to fall again-
But I'm just  
A raven
Cawing
My way to escape.

A mayonnaise man
Tells me
I need to spice up my life.

He can see the boredom in my eyes.
He thinks
Something new
Will awake me from my slumber.
But he does not know
I wish to kiss thunder.
I want to feel my atoms burning.
I want to be crushed by the gravity
Of some distant planet.

"I think I'm going to take up writing." I tell him.

He smiles and says, "Yeah you should write a book or something."
He walks off.

And I am his hope-
This mayonnaise man
With all his plans
And systems
And routines.

He sees the chaos in my eyes
And knows,
Even that isn't good enough for me.

I won't let you down.

Am just
A whisper in the wind-
A gentle reminder of
A dying love.
Above our skyscraper egos
Are worlds still unknown.
Ask for entrance
And you will be shut out forever.
All you have to do is listen;
Audible ghosts scream to us from
Beyond the cosmos.
Bifurcated banshees (our ancestors)
Beg to become whole within us.
Between you and I,
Civilization has reached its peak.
Countless eons of evolution have
Cultivated us writing, madly scrawling
Ciphers to make sense of nonsensical

Existence.
But
I,
Am just a whisper in the wind.
Slowly losing my ability to continue on.
It's all up to you now.

Life is a million little deaths,
I'm not sure how many I have left.
Lonely nights I've wept and dreamt for reprieve. God has one too many tricks up his sleeve. Talking doesn't ease the pain, it only distributes it across multiple planes of emotion. How do I feel? The better question is, "How does one survive being stranded in the ocean? You hope and pray; That is the way. Place your faith in the thought, "Some other day it will be ok." Don't mind me I'm dying- a bird flying against the wind, never moving, unable to win. Writing is a practice in futility now. I ramble on about the same problems. A fly crashing into Windows, unable to solve them. A million deaths before we get to live. We take a million breaths before we learn to give. I could create universes with this nib, but instead I ***** and complain about my circumstances.
How does one stop?

My soul is a neutron star dying,
But please, tell me more about how your earthly remedies can help.
"I need help."
Now that's just me lying-
Trying to make ppl feel worth more than what they really are.
I dream
Inhuman things,
How do I fit in
With human beings?
The answer is,
I dont....
Keep your dreams and aspirations,
I'll Keep searching for a greater form of greatness.

Blindness:
A courtesy to myself
To not be crushed
By gravity.

In these times,
Caring is not impossible,
But heroic.

But *******,
I am only

Mortal.

The sublime times
We would climb
Hills
Just to sled down
On trashcan lids.

We were kids
And we were poor,
But we never wanted anything
More;
Just more time to continue the fun.

I seep those memories in my sleep.
I miss when dreams
Were within arms reach.
All we yearned for was the presence of each other.
I was your friend.
You were my brother.

Where have you gone?
Have you absconded
To somewhere better.
I'm accustomed to loneliness,
But I still hate feeling lonely.
I fester in memories
That keep me an invalid
To love.
If I didn't think you're touch could save me
I'd leave you alone,
But I am prone
To romantic ideas
That have no basis in reality.

I was never supposed to have lived this long,
Yet here I am-
At an age where I need to redefine success;
Genuinely attempting happiness.
The ills of this world are too easily undressed, I must confess.
And I think it's because the beauty we possess
is...

Bottle of sake in hand,
Looking for a way to make the momentary pause before oblivion last.
At the end of it all
No one will remember
The war
The love
The joy
The pain.
I sit
Longing to understand the song the cosmos sings,
But barley understanding my own heartbeat.
The trouble is
Trouble is the only peace we know-
We are,
We were,
Moments
Just moments
In infinity

Tumbling Out of no where
From some indescribable source

With the force of a million babies
Squeezing your finger

Where do we find the strength
To continue
When there is war
Thievery
Taxes
Broken hearts
Lies
A 9 to 5
Religion

Life is enough
To make one want death
Yet still
We draw breath

And we find comfort in the smallest of things
Music
Hope
Love
Movies
Poetry
Games
Virtue

Had we known
The veil was so thin
Would we still have worn it
Like a cape

I think we would've
Because IT comes

From somewhere

Whatever IT is

I self-deprecate
To self-medicate
Because I'm afraid
That if I'm too great
The world will take
What little innocence
I have left.

So no, I'm not worth your time, or your effort. Let me sulk in this corner, picking through scraps of the dumpster that is my heart. And maybe I won't find diamonds or gold or riches, but maybe I can recover my art.

Depression
                         Is like
A mountain

That you alone must peak
Just
        
            To climb back down again.

I hear your voice speak.

                                               It says
I don't have to do this

But I do.
But I do.

I'm slipping
                       On the rocks.
Wishing
For some rest,
But I keep pushing
To the top

Just

          To climb back down again.
I don't have to do this,

But I do.
But I do.

I extend
                 My hands
To the sky.
Its so blue and out of reach.

I get closer
                      Every time,
But I have to say goodbye.

I have to climb back down the mountain.

I'll be back up again soon, I know....

I know I don't have to climb back down the mountain,

But I do

I do

I do.

Life doesn't seem
As difficult
As people make it out
To be.

All you have to do is:

Keep breathing...

Keep breathing...

It's all gone.
The dying wisp that is my soul
Has moved on.
I am a husk,
Waiting now only
For dusk.
Take a drink
Only if I must.
**** myself
Because it is just.
The good ones leave
Without a word-
Victims to a toxic world.
The good ones leave
And we don't get the message.
Evil stays; forever restless.
And I'm here.
I'm here.
Wondering where
My ticket is.

Placate their shattered hearts.
Let them play their tragic parts.
Their eyes are sunken dreams.
Life, death, and
Everything in between.
Jesus is no where to be found.
I sigh as I look around

At the preachers
Giving into devils,
Look how the pious pray.
What more can I say
As i look
at the woman
Dealing with the wrong guy.
Oh no
I wonder if she'll ever know,
She's on the best selling show.
Is there life on mars?

Oh the piano is out of tune
To those who grew
On the moon.
So detached from this place.
Hear it in their voice
You can read it on their face.
This life is a depressing chore,
'Cause they lived it ten times or more.
They're about to be sad again
As we force them to look

At the preachers
Giving into devils,
Look how the pious pray.
What more can I say
As i look
at the woman
Dealing with the wrong guy.
Oh no
I wonder if she'll ever know,
She's on the best selling show.
Is there life on mars?

Fickle memories
Trickle
Down the pickled grooves
Of the brain.

Truth, over time,
Becomes distorted,
But the feelings remain.

The mind decays
And the heart remembers
The warmth of sun rays-
How violently they kiss the skin.
"Did I put on sunscreen today??"

A moment frozen in time
Plays in an endless loop
In my medulla, but its just a feeling;
I cant quite recall the actual scene it alludes to.

I've become exposed nerve-
Reacting only to touch,
I no longer seem to remember much.

I dont even know what I should know.

Oh..

There it is.

I stand here extant by some accident I'm sure.
There's nothing but a low drone now;
The whirling of machines and things.
And faces force their words down my throat-
Meaningless words.
Meaningless people
And their meaningless accords.
I'm in a slump of sorts:
Everything I touch
Feels the same.
Everything I eat and drink
Tastes the same.
Everything I think
Leads to the same outcomes.
I am an outcast.
How long does this drought last?

Short, choppy
Sentences.
Doesn't have to make sense.
Type before the day ends.
Drink until my brain spins.
I've been on a pain binge.
Passed out on a park bench
Woke up with my jaw clenched.
I misplaced my heart-wrench
I can't fix my dark tints.
I'm begging your pardon,
I know nothing for certain;
Except, this doesn't make sense.
It never made sense.

Forced happiness everywhere
In advertisements, and Facebook shares.
"You won't believe what 'so and so' did."
But I can.
Meanwhile, ducks drown in ponds-
Diving, quacking
As the people look on
Marvelling, laughing.
A baby dies the world cries- for a moment- until you scroll down your timeline and post another comment. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, life proves me wrong, of course.
We have failed. We have failed.
And all the poetry in the world hasn't made a difference.
All the stories ever told, bear false witness to a god that doesn't exist;
A god that let it get like this....
And still,
I blame myself

I no longer look for greatness
Among men or the stars.
I clang my head, endlessly, across these bars.
I like the ringing sound they make,
Like church bells-
A wedding cake.
My family gathered round,
No longer hurting.
The tiny dreams that keep me awake,
For in sleep,
I am undeserving.
But sleep I must-
There is greatness in ash and dust.
No soliloquies,
No platitudes,
No profound prose.
Simply death
And cosmic truth.

My tale is one of impermanence.
Waste this life,
Lament the next.
I Breathe,
simply
As a reflex.
Children enjoy the show,
I know all the magic tricks
So I sit in the back looking for other distractions.
A million times or more
I've seen bulls slaughtered on the stadium floor;
Dying to the thunderous roar
Of people's silent indifference.
It doesn't make any sense.
And the tears don't fall like they used to.
After a while you gain a disdain for the world and how it used you.
Every now and then it gets too much to bear.
I sought escape but couldn't find it anywhere.
Maybe my chances will be better in the next,
Or ,maybe,
I'll be lost in the process

I live life
Tragically
With people claiming
To know me
Know me
Now.
My,
How much I've grown-
Bet I'd still die lonely
Like Klaus Nomi.
Isolate yourself
Don't rush
To hold me
Hold me
Now.
My,
How long I've known
My destiny-
Fate,
Come show me
Show me now.
Will the world
With their collective brow
Claim
To know me
Know me
Now?

No one has answers.
You can ask priests or rabbis,
But they take everything on faith.
And the redeemed vehemently believe, the innocent wonder why bad things continue to happen.
No one has answers.
My words, in some semblance of hope, carry me day to day.
I randomly want to break out in tears-years of repressed emotion no doubt-
But I stifle them back for another time.
I don't know why.
No one has answers.
Every good thing in life can be quantified and sold, by those who scheme or dream. No one knows the fiber of our being or our meaning. We drift endlessly at sea. "Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink." Innumerable bodies floating around, too many thoughts to think.  
Our eyes, in pain mirred,
Leave much to be desired;
Knowing, after all these years,
We have come to no greater conlcusion:
We all sail in confusion.
We assail the demons inside,
But they never truly die-
We just learn to live with them.
We never win,
And I don't know why.....

I want to find a way
To be pretty
For the USA.
I am more than my eye color.
More than my skin tone.
Underneath the mask I wear
Is a being that looked upon the world
And thought,
"This is not enough."
The soul knows better, but the flesh is used to the rough conditions we are kept in. Trapped in our skin. Trapped in our looks. Trapped in our insecurities. The judging eyes of others are hooks reeling me in towards their predispositions and maligned visions.
No one seems to see,
I am not the me they think I am.
I'm more than anyone could've ever imagined.

If my face
           Reflected
My inner scars

                         People
Would give me

                                              A wider
                                                             berth

The sweetest victory
Is the one you don't see coming
The saddest loss
Is the one you don't see coming

People spend their time
Trying to predict
The future
Then wonder why
The outcome seems bitter