we finally went swimming today,
(our first time
in two years)
and the whole time just felt
like a metaphor of
us—

you flipped me,
dunked me,
grabbed me underwater,
told me to clutch
“that cute little nose”
and hold my breath—

so that i could be
brave enough to try
something exciting
that i was afraid of.

you do this every day;
today,
in the water,

it was much more clear.

this is the hardest thing
letting someone else have
so much control
over my heart
because i love him

this is the best thing
letting someone else have
so much tenderness
for my heart
because i love him

i thought i loved to be alone.
by myself was where i stood steadfastly

but that changed
when we first nervously
drove to a bookstore
together
to browse
and talk
and finally feel
better about ourselves

i had no idea how much
i’d grow
or how much
i’d grow you

i thought i preferred to be alone
but now
i’m wilted without you near

i’m jealous of me
from an hour ago—
because i was the one
who got to be with you
an hour ago,

and now i’m not.

i’m jealous of me
from an hour ago—
because you kissed my nose
and you held me so close
an hour ago,

...
so
can we hang out tonight?

it’s official—
i hate being alone.
this isn’t a poem
but
it’s words
i needed to say

why is it so immeasurably
heart cracking
to imagine you
loving someone
else before you
even knew me

do you ever think
about her or
them
or
are we,
we two,
the only two you imagine?

you wrote of pain
you wrote of deep pain
you wrote of lust
of deeper love

have i penetrated
you quite as thoroughly?

(or am i selfish for asking)