In my life, people see me and hear me but never understand me.
For my mind is like the tide,
Ever changing.
One moment i may be a...
a force of rage,
roaring with contentious determination to
override what has ben brought before me.
invincible with nothing to hide.
I am rushing,
hurling toward my goals.

Suddenly out of the blue water, I unintentionally encounter my own self doubt. In that instant i am over come by unnerving shaking and stand in shock. In that in that moment my persistence changes into unnatural scattering....
Until it fades into into
nothing at all.
a void of
unexplainable emptiness.
panic! I force myself to speak,  i must to force my thoughts back
out!
i scream in my head.

but it is gone before it has the chance to utter a whisper.
What is left for the world to hear is a yelp.  

" Excuse me? What did you just say" they ask.

yesterday
My voice cracked
When you decided to taste me
My armor became jello
And as I clung to you for protection
you held me
Then you danced and desperately cherrished me
and I gave you what you wanted
And called it love
Then my weak body was your toy
And you crushed me with your teeth
When I asked for pardon you shook me off
Plucked me off with vinegar and salty words
Lightly.
And all my breath can muster is
I love you

all you see are closed doors
And your friends don't want you no more
All that you worked hard for
Simply fades
Clears away scattered into mid air

I'm just stuck in this glass
And times running out fast
I wake up at night and I'm living in my past
It's like I want to hurt myself

Distractions don't last and
I always feel like trash
But all i see can't be what's on the other side
Right?

faded dull eyes still grey
Wandering on the highway
loveless and rusted
Face empty like the new moon
upon the wake of night
  
And then you found me
i was caught up in your gravity
And I was surrounded in your  warmth
Now I'm falling at the speed of light

People called her a puppy
the girl with that disorder
Nobody loved her
Wandered through wild giggles and ******
To find out she was lost
And left this tunnel to wander

Time shredded this name
Lost eyes that stared yonder
grew sharper and colder
from the hash winters alone as an outsider
And with her new found power
She found her life anew and got dazed in wonder

Some faces haunted some nights
The ordinary torturous distortion
But Tomorrow will be done better
If you can Burn the bridges and soak in the cold water
You will yourself in the arms of another
Just leave that life forever

Because I am different
They call mock me and taunt
Because I'm not perfect
Yeah I'm dirt under his feet

And then they ask me why
I'm so insecure
Why I get panic attacks at social events
I'm caged in this game and I can't get out!

I feel the emotions
bleeding silently at night
Blood pounding dizziness in my mind
chest kind of hurts
Uptown Roof at midnight
It's a Standoff with myself
I'm in control most of the time
But I coop it up inside

it's the ugly truth and I want you to know!
Please don't stray away
I don't want to be alone
Never mind it's all dumb lie!
nothing's happening
im...fine!

alone this time
Past seeping into you
Abuse painted over exposed
Stars burn my eyes
You see yourself
Breath of smoke
Lungs aflame
biting her ****** lip
she saw the world
Clasped the basketball with her left
Her pride with her right
Far away it seems
And I shout to her
but she never looked back

he is buried underneath
a sign of consciousness
only wild beady eyes
 to be seen
no mercy
he pounded against the door
as I suffocate on the floor
as i cover the tear no more
He was the predator

I was the prey
A thousand times had i said
Why me ? why can't i forgive?
throbbing buzzes pulses in my ear
flashes of images
where his
rugged hands
slashed
throbbing wound tender and fresh

i barely escaped
slammed the door and click the lock...
an eruption  of  words
pierces my ears
the sanity that i had shatters like glass

like an ignition to the fuse
bang my fist against the door
mindlessly torture like he
bare my teeth with sharp tongue
make me suffer like me
and let out piercing shriek never seen
The animal inside is free

my choking breath once again
You left me silently
Making tears rain through my veins
my violent anxiety
Why do you let me go

Motionless I stand
Throbbing pains trying to explain
I Dream of another land
When my friends chuckled my name

**** it and get champagne
Memories of my friends held my hand
Set fire to love and restrain
Let me chill about on the sand
I forget about the pain once again

It will be a life of loss isn't it my lover
And maybe an eternity before
I find what I'm looking for
Before I can tell you about
the ones who broke my heart
Before I can laugh all this pain away,

Im going to get lost and take another pill
just so I can
Feel a little bit normal once in my life
Or be loved by somebody for once
Then get drunk on happiness  

I'm going to keep  
Crying about why people say I never try
And feeling left out and patronized
And you know what's funny?
I can't tell you about any of this
Even when you ask
what's wrong with me
Cuz you won't understand
You're not flawed and strange like me

I'm going to be lonely
With my soul in a locker
And I'm going to have to blame it on
Myself
Isn't that right?

Im just so tired from changing myself for you
And you taking for granted what I threw away
All those moments and hours that we spent for two Then to ache through pain until it fades to grey

I know I have to be brave
and to stand all on my own  
But the lonesome is slowly
Eating away at my heart

Breathe in some gasoline
As I fly down to greet
Trade my butterfly wings
For a touch of machine
Take my evergreen
Get some new gleam
Your noxious fume spoil
Find some Asfalt sheen  
My freedom I trade
For rusted shackles you see

I live on the edge
Driving into a cliff in my imagination
Here the game plays
Over and over from one triumph to the next
I regret I forget
Disappointments revive each play
I lose myself
Upon the ledge I had stood and gazed
At the power
But what is the use
When nothing ever stays

We laugh how hollow we are
How nothing matters
while we hold back the tears
We emphasize the importance of
Some distraction
Then we belittle our actions for ones judgement
We play this game
Of desire and destruction
While sinking deeper in numbing of pain
We pretend the world deepends on our play
To hide the fact that we are fading into oblivion
One step at a time

Love is a game between two
A game for the sick who are through
Blind from the maddening truth
That were all just little dancing fools

But we keep replaying our parts
Every verse spun from the start
Trapped in the fear of falling apart
were all just immature hearts