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Feb 2019 · 168
Cuckoo's Birthday.
Jay Hankare Feb 2019
It was a bright sunny day; the sun was shining with all its might. The birds flew all around in search of food while chirping and tweeting their coarse tunes. A cuckoo flew past the garden and sat on the tree stealthily watching a nest which lay near to her. All this was happening while I sat on the steps of my porch, staring at the emptiness lost in my deep thoughts.

It all began about three years back, when I accidentally found documents in my mother’s cupboard. I was looking for my vaccination card schedule since our teacher had asked us to bring it to school as part of our science project. While looking for my vaccination schedule I stumbled across an old file which had a blue tape across it. It looked old and yet untouched. Me having little control over my curiosity, quickly got a pair of scissors and made a little slit at one corner of the file and quickly opened it. What I saw in that file, was something I never thought I’d ever see or ever dreamt of. There lay a stack of papers, with a lot of legal terms and signatures. I couldn’t understand what they were, but I was determined to find out what they meant since they looked important. I flipped through the pages skimming over the contents of the page quietly trying to make sense of what those typed words on the pages meant. I saw my name on one of the pages, and then I stopped on that page and read it carefully.

I once read somewhere that words can **** as good as a gun, and that line made so much sense to me at that moment. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It all slowly began to make sense. Hoping that it was just a bad dream, I pinched myself half hoping I’d wake up and sigh in relief that it was all but a bad dream. Alas! That didn’t happen; I could very much feel the pinch and see my skin turning red and swelling up thanks to the pinch. The papers said I was adopted. But how could that be possible? People often said I had my father’s nose, then how could I be adopted? I had my mother’s temper, that can’t be a co-incidence! Or could it? It just didn’t make sense anymore. From confusion, betrayal, anger to sorrow, I was feeling every grim emotion possible.

Three years flew by and I still can’t accept the shocking revelation I discovered. Time and again, I subtly hint at my parents, trying to nudge them to confess about my adoption. It never happened; they never confessed to me and chose to keep me in dark about it, thinking I didn’t know anything about it. But as time passed by, I started wondering about who I was? Who are my parents? Where were they? Do they miss me? Do they even think of me? Or was I just another unwanted child walking the face of this earth. I don’t have the answers to my question. But I always thought for several hours about the answers to these questions. Often weaving stories mostly happy ones, but occasionally when I am sad, a really sad one about my past. But at the end of the day, they were just a fragment of my imagination, not the truth. But these stories often comforted my troubled mind. At least I could end the stories the way I wanted to and steer them just the way I’d like it. Someday I’ll know the truth, which may be better and more comforting than the stories that I had in my head or may be a sad tragic one which I won’t be able to endure.

Just then, my mother called out for me. Running inside I found my father holding a cake and all my friends singing “Happy Birthday” at the top of their lungs. My mother and father buried me in a huge hug while kissing me and wishing me birthday wishes. The cuckoo laid its egg while singing a sweet melody and then quickly flew away before the crows arrived.
A memory of the day I realized I'm adopted...
Dec 2018 · 1.2k
If You Could Read My Mind...
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.
Dec 2018 · 147
The one.
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
Can I be that one person?

The one you think about to share the good news, first.
The one you remember to turn to, when hurt.
The one who can make you laugh, when angry.
The one you will allow to wipe your tears, when sad.
The one who knows your deepest secrets.
The one who has seen your worst scars.
The one who has seen you laugh until you cry.
The one who has seen you in your abysmal form.
The one you will prioritise over everything else.
The one you expect to find when you come home.
The one who's arms you yearn for.
The one you find solace in.
The one you will depend upon.
The one you will own for yourself.
The one you deem as your everything.
The one you can live with.
The one you can't live without.
The one you consider your world.
The one your whole gravity shifts upon.
The one you trust.
The one you hold hands with.
The one you hate.
The one you love.

Or maybe I should just rephrase.

Will I ever be that one person?
one sided love can be catastrophic....
Dec 2018 · 235
Here’s a poem
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
This isn’t going to make sense
cause it’s not supposed to
and if I’m being honest
this isn’t for you
it’s not even for me

I’m stuck
I’m trapped
I’m lost
I’m every other word that describes people who feel at a dead end

I’m typing on a ****** phone
That’s connected to a ****** connection
That could possibly be a metaphor for my life

I’m writing
Because I don’t know what else to do

I’m writing
Cause that’s what they told me to do

But they also told me that what I think isn’t always true
That I’m special and I just don’t see it

But that’s the thing
I don’t see it

And if I don’t see it then why should it matter if anyone else does

And if I’m thinking something why should it matter if it’s true

What matters is that it’s in my head
What matters is that it’s always there

But here I am
Stuck in the same place
Back to square one
No progress made
The same questions, whether true or not

Will I amount to anything?
Do I really help?
Am I really worthwhile?
Do you actually care?

I see these people
When I’m online
They smile and post
They edit and pose

I can’t help but wonder

Do you really smile, or do you just do it to look happy like me?
Do you really feel happy, or are you trying to lie like me?
Do you understand what I feel?

Or is it just me?

I’m not trying to be selfish
I don’t want a lot
I just want to be happy
And I want others to be happy with me
But neither is happening

So instead there’s a poem
That doesn’t even rhyme
That makes no sense
  I’ll try harder
Dec 2018 · 396
End Game
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
It's no more rainbows and ponies as we are now moving headlong into an era of darkness ,

The smiles have melted into tears and are dripping down my cheeks as i drown in my own fears ,

Those happy moments of a Family have corroded and is now replaced by a grim old loneliness reminded by empty seats and silence ,

We are now reaching the end of this journey and it was supposed to be me and you but as i look along i can't find you ,

Is this how it's gonna be ? is this the end ? i don't know , but i will fight and i will keep fighting till my last breath allows me to ,

And i will be waiting for you on the other side  for i have a dance i promised you along with a future that we never had .
Dec 2018 · 118
To whom I fall.
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
There are people I will never know;
people who are not bound to meet my soul
Our story isn’t the brightest, nor mellow
Neither the greatest spiel ever told
Yet it will always be the sweetest of all
For come what may it will continuously flow.
Your smile plays a role in my world.
You are the song inside at trouble and woe.
Going around the universe, I’ll come back to you.
You may remember me as part of the ocean
But I will keep you as memory of someone;
one who gave light when night became dawn
and that one in million to whom I fall.
Dec 2018 · 156
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
Call me a *****.
Call me an idiot.
I’ve ruined everything.
I’m the one who didn’t see it.

I gave up.
I gave in.
My greatest weakness,
is temptation.

Kept out of heaven.
Sinking into hell.
Once a strong king,
but today I fell.

I’ll slide this knife.
I’ll let the blood fall.
After today I’ll know,
that I’ve lost it all.
Dec 2018 · 866
A Walk towards Insanity.
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
I need to make myself busy
Before I can't get myself and do things that unexpected to be
I just want to take freely
And relax myself before I lost my sanity
I just need a bullpen and a paper right now
Cause all the things that going in my mind is I wanted to write down
If I will not do it , I know that there's a chance that I suddenly snap
And just cut myself with a sharp knife
And smile like an idiot when I see a crimson blood
Laughing even though it actually hurts
Wanting more even though it's already too much
Or worst being extremely happy because of what I've done
Even I know that it can take my life away in any minutes in time when I started to close my eyes..
Dec 2018 · 86
You and me.
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
The lilacs,
Violet and bright.

The sun,
Golden and shining.

The clouds,
White and calming.

The grass,
Green and fresh.

The air,
Fast and soothing.

The home,
You and me.
Dec 2018 · 297
What if?
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
What if the sun would rise in the west?
What if the discarded would be regarded as the best?
What if the fishes could fly so high?
What if the birds couldn't be seen in the sky?
What if the leaves of the trees were not so green?
What if the most exasperated age was not the teen?
What if animals could talk to us?
Speak different languages like a human does.
What if we would never ever die?
But I hope people would be extremely innocent and not so sly.
What if I were you and you were me?
Would you see the world the same way as I see?
Dec 2018 · 127
Light off the Lantern.
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
I grasp my lantern tight and close to my freezing heart
I burn myself within and outside, hoping it'll start
My love has been severed torn and split apart
Thus I return to this creating fantastical and lyrical art
I am neither warrior nor hero i'm but simple and craven
Constantly searching for my happiness, for my own haven.
I accept my darkness my snake my wolf my raven
I laugh to myself while I walk a path with suffering laden
The lantern I hold smothers yet give births to shadow
The stars shine above me as I walk in this meadow
It's blossoming with life, yet I can see that it's hollow
For it is like me constantly waiting for tomorrow
I feel the soft and crumbling matter under my feet soil
Starlight bounces off me like I'm covered in metallic foil
It seems like only my light can guide me while I stumble and toil
within the confines of my physical body and the mortal coil
Dec 2018 · 145
Sins of a Sinner
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
You are frightened for thy death
For it wasn't designed for us
But there’s always the last breath
Until Dementors are approaching us
Neither women nor men
Ever wanted a journey in place of forsaken
But we’re a creature that made from sins
For Adan and Eve committed a forbidden
Heaven and Hell
Are you an angel or a devil?
Thou shall do good things
Or thou shall commit sins?
But thy existence may be delightful,
When we desire for good instead of horrible
We are borne to fulfill,
The seven stages of an individual
And not to be cruel,
Nor does the seven sins of being immoral
Manage thy self,
Lengthen thy forbearance instead of a brief
To aim goodness and to demur the mischief
Nor to be a component in a place of grief
Be compassionate to others
To the young blood and elders
Offer them want they need
Don’t be an opportunist or greed
Because life is temporary
To do such thing ridiculously
It is momentary
For us to waste
Therefore, live with integrity
And obtain goodness before thou rest
Fight  the lust with purity
Be generous instead of being greedy
Spread the love instead of hatred and envy
And lastly, be a human with responsibility
Although humans make mistakes
But it is for us to learn and not to break,
Our faith in Holy Almighty
And for our souls to be safety
"Thy sins makes you a sinner"
But it'll vanish in a faithful prayer.
Dec 2018 · 2.3k
Gatsby : The Man
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
Gatsby, Gatsby, oh you protagonist young man;
To work for a millionaire and be a soldier.
To do criminal activity just for a single girl
Who once did love you but never will again.
With all your fabulous wealth and fame;
In that mansion you live in filled with Goth
Having lavishing parties on late Saturday nights;
Not to mingle but to look, to look for her.
Living in the West Egg with a distant view
Of a lake in front to separate you and your love.
Only a light of green to comfort your loneliness;
With a friend as your only connection to them.
You are the mysterious type of man that you are.
A person whom no one knows where he is from,
What he does in life or how he makes his fortune.
But in reality you are from a farm in North Dakota.
You are also a flawed, dishonest, and ****** man;
Lie about your past and the name that people know.
Left your farm life at age 17 to change who you were;
Forgot your name as Jimmy Gatz to become Jay Gatsby.
Jay Gatsby, Jimmy Gatz, you did this for your love;
For the love you had for Miss Daisy Buchanan, for her.
As a man, you were known to be extraordinary optimism;
For you were determine to take your dream and make it a reality.
The dream that you had of only you and her.
A dream that was too far from reality;
So far that it blinded you from true reality.
This dream is what brought death upon  you.
For Jay Gatsby and Jimmy Gatz are one and the same.
Both blinded by love for Miss Daisy Buchanan.
Both determine to change their social status
Both dreamt a dream that would not come true.
But yet both denied the truth of themselves.
For this brought the death and the heartache
Of a father who knew so little of his only son.
For a friend who truly knew nothing of him at all.
Well I read Gatsby  multiple times and every time I respected Gatsby more than the previous time.
Dec 2018 · 314
Downfall of a poet
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
Here I envisioned my downfall of a poet as here where it starts
As I can see myself in complete stress and lay my pen down
Let myself roam the streets and let the world burned before me
Yet I try not to look like I victimized by my thoughts here as
As they lead me to my decisions in life today but let me go deeper
My downfall as I can tears from the people’s heart I broken
My loved ones are starting to bruised and get wounds for my
Mistakes as I can see that every decision comes with a consequence
Where the benefits in my life? Where the memories in my past?
Oh that’s right there all covered by the hardships in my life but
Seeing my depression will lead me to numerous reasons to die
The hurtful truth that every time I see love in the making….
It’s just shatters and crumbles upon my feet so I stopped
My search as love is seen as overrated maybe I looking in
The wrong places and Love is underrated to everyone as
Poetry might just die in my heart or maybe my thoughts
Might just become rotted and converted to pure nonsense
Seeing no guidance to the golden gates or the flaming pits
But just pure nothingness, blackness, worthlessness as I wish
It been months I shown positivity and sense of hope at all so
As I look for answers in life, my purpose of my existence but
Yet I’m starting to give up on everything and just start to get
Fear and pity on me ever existing on this world as they could
Have made someone better as I didn’t do anything groundbreaking
As this will be the ending stages as I’ll die alone with no pursuit of happiness
As a person I’m looked upon with superior potential if I had “motivation”
Tell me what wrong doctor? As something must be wrong as I wish
Why I always thinking suicide? Only because I feel like I lose my identity
I only wished I had my motivation as I keep working harder and harder
But yet there are anyways complications and problems in my pathway in life
My wings of success are broken; my thoughts are rotting from restrictions
As my downfall will be gruesome and progress will be erased away in time
No remedies, no memories, no records, no accomplishments to follow by
That’s my downfall! Forgotten, uncared, and forbidden poetry to read by reader.
Oct 2018 · 154
Jay Hankare Oct 2018
There is no right neither is there wrong
Thought and perception flourish in the sea of minds they're among.
Passion can be written Pain can be said Emotions can be put to song
All we experience is momentary and insignificant yet we must play along
From these moments and experience a persona is born
From this persona humanity is weaved some gratified while others forlorn
Who we are, carved from tribulations we are tested and torn
Whether we can stay the same or die and be reborn we've no time to mourn
What did I do? What did you do? What did we do?
Will I be lonely and alone? Or will I be surrounded by my own crew?
Are they really my friends? Are they false or are they true?
What matters and what does not? What will I become? All these asked constantly as we grew
We can't be negative nor can we be positive
We must be properly balanced prepared like a moving locomotive
The world around us moves as we deal with the power of time corrosive
Thus we must act accordingly and deal with them in haste be quiet yet loud weak but strong calm yet impulsive

— The End —