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Jay Hankare Feb 2019
It was a bright sunny day; the sun was shining with all its might. The birds flew all around in search of food while chirping and tweeting their coarse tunes. A cuckoo flew past the garden and sat on the tree stealthily watching a nest which lay near to her. All this was happening while I sat on the steps of my porch, staring at the emptiness lost in my deep thoughts.

It all began about three years back, when I accidentally found documents in my mother’s cupboard. I was looking for my vaccination card schedule since our teacher had asked us to bring it to school as part of our science project. While looking for my vaccination schedule I stumbled across an old file which had a blue tape across it. It looked old and yet untouched. Me having little control over my curiosity, quickly got a pair of scissors and made a little slit at one corner of the file and quickly opened it. What I saw in that file, was something I never thought I’d ever see or ever dreamt of. There lay a stack of papers, with a lot of legal terms and signatures. I couldn’t understand what they were, but I was determined to find out what they meant since they looked important. I flipped through the pages skimming over the contents of the page quietly trying to make sense of what those typed words on the pages meant. I saw my name on one of the pages, and then I stopped on that page and read it carefully.

I once read somewhere that words can **** as good as a gun, and that line made so much sense to me at that moment. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It all slowly began to make sense. Hoping that it was just a bad dream, I pinched myself half hoping I’d wake up and sigh in relief that it was all but a bad dream. Alas! That didn’t happen; I could very much feel the pinch and see my skin turning red and swelling up thanks to the pinch. The papers said I was adopted. But how could that be possible? People often said I had my father’s nose, then how could I be adopted? I had my mother’s temper, that can’t be a co-incidence! Or could it? It just didn’t make sense anymore. From confusion, betrayal, anger to sorrow, I was feeling every grim emotion possible.

Three years flew by and I still can’t accept the shocking revelation I discovered. Time and again, I subtly hint at my parents, trying to nudge them to confess about my adoption. It never happened; they never confessed to me and chose to keep me in dark about it, thinking I didn’t know anything about it. But as time passed by, I started wondering about who I was? Who are my parents? Where were they? Do they miss me? Do they even think of me? Or was I just another unwanted child walking the face of this earth. I don’t have the answers to my question. But I always thought for several hours about the answers to these questions. Often weaving stories mostly happy ones, but occasionally when I am sad, a really sad one about my past. But at the end of the day, they were just a fragment of my imagination, not the truth. But these stories often comforted my troubled mind. At least I could end the stories the way I wanted to and steer them just the way I’d like it. Someday I’ll know the truth, which may be better and more comforting than the stories that I had in my head or may be a sad tragic one which I won’t be able to endure.

Just then, my mother called out for me. Running inside I found my father holding a cake and all my friends singing “Happy Birthday” at the top of their lungs. My mother and father buried me in a huge hug while kissing me and wishing me birthday wishes. The cuckoo laid its egg while singing a sweet melody and then quickly flew away before the crows arrived.
A memory of the day I realized I'm adopted...
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
Can I be that one person?

The one you think about to share the good news, first.
The one you remember to turn to, when hurt.
The one who can make you laugh, when angry.
The one you will allow to wipe your tears, when sad.
The one who knows your deepest secrets.
The one who has seen your worst scars.
The one who has seen you laugh until you cry.
The one who has seen you in your abysmal form.
The one you will prioritise over everything else.
The one you expect to find when you come home.
The one who's arms you yearn for.
The one you find solace in.
The one you will depend upon.
The one you will own for yourself.
The one you deem as your everything.
The one you can live with.
The one you can't live without.
The one you consider your world.
The one your whole gravity shifts upon.
The one you trust.
The one you hold hands with.
The one you hate.
The one you love.

Or maybe I should just rephrase.

Will I ever be that one person?
one sided love can be catastrophic....
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
This isn’t going to make sense
cause it’s not supposed to
and if I’m being honest
this isn’t for you
it’s not even for me

I’m stuck
I’m trapped
I’m lost
I’m every other word that describes people who feel at a dead end

I’m typing on a ****** phone
That’s connected to a ****** connection
That could possibly be a metaphor for my life

I’m writing
Because I don’t know what else to do

I’m writing
Cause that’s what they told me to do

But they also told me that what I think isn’t always true
That I’m special and I just don’t see it

But that’s the thing
I don’t see it

And if I don’t see it then why should it matter if anyone else does

And if I’m thinking something why should it matter if it’s true

What matters is that it’s in my head
What matters is that it’s always there

But here I am
Stuck in the same place
Back to square one
No progress made
The same questions, whether true or not

Will I amount to anything?
Do I really help?
Am I really worthwhile?
Do you actually care?

I see these people
When I’m online
They smile and post
They edit and pose

I can’t help but wonder

Do you really smile, or do you just do it to look happy like me?
Do you really feel happy, or are you trying to lie like me?
Do you understand what I feel?

Or is it just me?

I’m not trying to be selfish
I don’t want a lot
I just want to be happy
And I want others to be happy with me
But neither is happening

So instead there’s a poem
That doesn’t even rhyme
That makes no sense
  I’ll try harder
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
It's no more rainbows and ponies as we are now moving headlong into an era of darkness ,

The smiles have melted into tears and are dripping down my cheeks as i drown in my own fears ,

Those happy moments of a Family have corroded and is now replaced by a grim old loneliness reminded by empty seats and silence ,

We are now reaching the end of this journey and it was supposed to be me and you but as i look along i can't find you ,

Is this how it's gonna be ? is this the end ? i don't know , but i will fight and i will keep fighting till my last breath allows me to ,

And i will be waiting for you on the other side  for i have a dance i promised you along with a future that we never had .
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
There are people I will never know;
people who are not bound to meet my soul
Our story isn’t the brightest, nor mellow
Neither the greatest spiel ever told
Yet it will always be the sweetest of all
For come what may it will continuously flow.
Your smile plays a role in my world.
You are the song inside at trouble and woe.
Going around the universe, I’ll come back to you.
You may remember me as part of the ocean
But I will keep you as memory of someone;
one who gave light when night became dawn
and that one in million to whom I fall.
Jay Hankare Dec 2018
Call me a *****.
Call me an idiot.
I’ve ruined everything.
I’m the one who didn’t see it.

I gave up.
I gave in.
My greatest weakness,
is temptation.

Kept out of heaven.
Sinking into hell.
Once a strong king,
but today I fell.

I’ll slide this knife.
I’ll let the blood fall.
After today I’ll know,
that I’ve lost it all.
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