It was a graveyard and overcast sky
and I sat with book and accordian in hand,
hearing the world with its screams
swallow up around me.
The people whom I had loved and lost,
Papa with his silver eyes
Mama her sharp tongue and tough love
Rudy whose hair the colour of lemons
and questioned why, the living and dead,
worlds apart, yet both did not have a choice.
I stood and screamed so that everything shook
the burning rubble and ash and dust
willing my words to bring it all back
but it did not come, and my breath rose in gasps.
Death had looked me in the eye and said,
“It’s not time yet.”
I would shut my eyes to the world
only decades later.
I will understand that there was hate and pain
there was sadness
but even more so, there was love and joy.
I will know that the people I loved had reason
to kiss goodbye
whether it was their own hurt
or saw it as a necessity,
but they were never truly gone from me
always somewhere nearby,
in the thick and thin
frail and worn
I would learn
to forgive Death that day.
I will understand that
and I will be hurt,
but I will be okay.
Not all deaths are sad.
Some, meant to ease their own pain,
Are called freedom.
Meant to ease the pain of others,
Are called love.
Once upon a time, there was a girl
Who always loved to jump and twirl
But one day she said goodbye
Jumped off a building to fly
Never again to jump and twirl.
Remember the scented candles
You and I blew on our first date?
You said that I smelt like them
Like vanilla, roses, and lavender
But then later you said that these
Were all luscious lies of a candle that I'll never be:
The perfect candle,
You said that I reeked of nothing
Other than of blood, tears, and unclean scars
So I started trying my best
To have a scent like the perfect rest
That swooned under your exhales
And danced in between your inhales:
The perfect candle,
I’ve tried to smell of honeysuckle and chocolate
Even of cupcakes, caramel, and peppermint
But I then realized that:
Nothing smelt as sweet as the sweet scent of death
As death had a certain type of sweetness
That effortlessly surpassed the rest:
The perfect candle,
So I bought my last candle with a sugary intoxicating scent
Then I blew myself out just for your content
And for the sake of the beauty that your eyes sought.
I'm a perfect candle now. Right?
- The perfect candle.
They humiliated me with the strokes of a gentle paintbrush to bruise
Dipped in merciless words painted in shades of raging reds and desperate blues
So I created a caliginous cocoon and hid in its tear soaked pillows for years
And filled my cocon to the brim with wintry tears and whispering fears
Because I wanted to drown my withering soul and ugly body
But I then realized that I wasn’t rotting and nor was my body
I was instead transitioning into a beautiful butterfly
It was time for me to set myself free of this filth
Free of the permanent marker that they covered my white heart with
Because permanent ink isn’t actually permanent
Any spray can easily melt away its persistent ink of resentment
And so I broke out of my comfort zone in peaceful purple wings
And bathed in the rain’s purifying showers
As I scribbled my letter to it on my voice notes sent by the winds.
I remember sitting with my legs crossed
at an empty parking lot with you.
Burning our lungs,
sharing our deepest secrets at 3am
while I rest my head
on your shoulder that cold summer night.
I sang along our favorite songs
and you wished that time stopped
so we could still be together.
You are still too damaged.
You think too much.
You are too practical.
You are not yet ready for anything.
And I’m left confused
and a little bit hurt, I guess.
So here we are again,
so here we go again.
Who would have thought
that we would actually
burn even faster
than our cigarettes?
Here's an addictive cigarette
Smoke it and you'll look cool
It will help you lose weight
You'll turn into a skeleton, it's true,
Your beauty will fade like smoke
Your brain cells will burst into nothingness
Your heart, bladder, and kidney
Uterus, cervix, and pancreas
Colon, oral, and lips
Tongue, throat and all organs
Will all die under poison's merciless blades,
Give your lungs a reason to fail you
And cause your breath to smell like decay
Granting people a good reason
To avoid you and disappear midway,
Smoke the whale's vomit as odor
The animal's urine as flavoring
And cover the roads of your veins
With heavy black tar and nicotine,
Inhale 4,800 chemicals in one cigarette
With over 60 causing cancer
And once diagnosed with lung cancer
You only have a few months to live,
And each and every form of tobacco
Is derangedly contaminated with lethal chemicals
They grow inside you, breaking your healthy flow,
We are clearly treated like insects
Inhaling various forms of insecticides,
Companies consider us pests
Smoking pesticides, hydrogen, and cyanide,
You're slowly killing yourself
It is considered suicide
And while you were reading my words
A person has died on tobacco's rough ride.