I want to softly whisper
incomplete poems
on your collar bones
that don't rhyme with anything
but your heavy breathing.

I want to bury my face
in the curves of your neck
because you smell like the winter clouds
and I've been gazing at the sky
since you left.

Money isn't free
Money is imaginary
There is no crime
It's all in your mind
Money was never real
Money only has us killed

1 for the one word, Dad, that breaks my heart
2..
3...three words that I last said to you "I love you" but I didn't know that would be the last time
4..
5..
6...
7... the age when I learned that 2 people don't always stay together. When I heard the fighting and when mom and I moved in a apartment..but without you and I didn't know what to do.
8...
9...
10...
11..When I swore that I hated you because I thought you were never there, when actually I just would try to shut you out
12..
13...my age when I lost you
13...when I learned what it was like to have something change your life and have a gapping hole so big that I swear people could see through it
13.. I learned how to fake smile and tell people "I'm okay" when I'm tearing myself apart on the inside
14.. I'm scared, everything's changing without you and I can't call you and hear your voice anymore when I'm having a bad day
15...
16... the number of boxes that were sitting on the porch at Mom's house full of stuff that was in my room at our house and I don't know what to do with it so I'll just leave it in a box and try to think that it's still at home with you
17... I don't understand why I lost you and I break down at nights because I try to understand but I just can't
18..
19...
20... the number of times that I try to write something to you but I stop myself because I have so many words to say to you that I couldn't possible write it down
21... I'm starting to forget all of the little things about you that I want to tell my children
22...I wish that you were still here to tell me that everything will be okay
23...I want to tell you how much you mean to me and how awful and hard it is without you...
24..the date that breaks my heart and brings me back the worst flashbacks
24.. all I think of is how I should've stayed with you, I should've been holding your hand when you were going up to heaven
24.. When people were getting tucked in to bed waiting for Santa come the next morning, I was waiting to wake up from this nightmare
24... tell me this is all a sick joke, I tried calling you, I just want to hear your voice one more time please pick up
24...I can't grow up without my Dad not being here with me please
24..I don't know what I'm going to be with out you

you never made it see the 25th

“I need to talk to you.” I hate these words. Because in a nanosecond I felt nervous; uneasiness filled my heart, afraid of what you are going to say & afraid of what will happen next. These words are just like the introduction of all the stories I have read. The stories that will always end up breaking my heart.

“I don’t love you anymore.” There. I know that was the second line you are going to say. I expected that. But I guess even though how much you are prepared for the situation and how much you expect that that may cause your heartbreak, you cannot help not to be hurt so much. I did not know what to feel that time. It was a myriad emotion and inexplicable feelings, tears are falling down my face and at the same time my body suddenly feels weak. And I did not know what to do.

It seems like yesterday since you told me that you will always be here when I needed you and that we are going to see together those places we are never going through. Your lips that tell me you really love me and your eyes that can tell it is true; that you are sincere. It has been just like a storm that came in and you are that storm that suddenly destroys my whole life when you left me.

Now I finally understand why storms are named after people.