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6.0k · Mar 2017
kahit hindi na ako ang rason
meliza Mar 2017
kamusta, mahal? malungkot ka na naman.
alam kong nahihirapan ka ngayon, at mas nasasaktan ako dahil alam kong wala akong magagawa para lang mapasaya ka sa kahit anong paraan.
mahal na mahal kita.
pero ang bersyon na minahal ko, ang ikaw na minahal ko, ay ang ikaw na ginawa niya - ang ikaw na nagmahal sa kanya, ang ikaw na sinaktan niya. ang mga bagay na kinagugustuhan mo ngayon ay mga bagay na kinagustuhan rin niya.
at mahal, ang tanging hiling ko lang ay makilala ka kung sino ka bago siya. kung ano nga ba talaga ang nagpapasaya sa 'yo na hindi naman siya ang gumawa. kung paano ka ngumiti at tumawa ng hindi dahil sa kanya. dahil mahal, mahal na mahal mo siya kahit sinaktan ka niya, kaya't binago mo ng lubos ang sarili mo para mahalin ka.
pero nandito ako para mahalin ka kung sino ka, at hindi kung sino ang ginawa niya.
isa lang akong babaeng may papel at panulat. isang babaeng umaasang ang mga salita kong ito balang araw ay magiging sapat.
para lang maging masaya ka.
marahil ay malabong mangyari na maging masaya ka pa kahit na wala siya. marahil ay hindi na maibabalik ang ikaw bago mo siya makilala.
gusto lang kitang makitang tunay na masaya.
kahit hindi na ako ang maging rason pa.
kahit hindi ako ang dahilan ng mga tawa **** malakas. kahit hindi na ako ang makakita ng ngiti mo na walang lungkot na bumabakas.
kahit alam kong kung wala ka, mahirap harapin ang bukas.
nakatakda siguro talagang hindi ako ang taong magmamahal sa 'yo at mamahalin mo sa buhay. nakatakda sigurong hindi ko mahahawakan ang iyong kamay. kahit sabihin mo ngayong mahal mo rin ako, alam kong hindi iyon tunay. ngunit mahal, ayos lang. basta lang makita kitang masaya.
dahil mahal na mahal kita.
I know that there's others that deserve you / but my darling, I am still in love with you
790 · Feb 2018
dear mom
meliza Feb 2018
hey mom, lately I haven't been okay
don't you see as you look me in the eye everyday?
the circles under my eyes are a little too deep
although nowadays all that I do is sleep

mom, last month, someone at school tried suicide
downing a bottle of paracetamol as he cried
I wanted to tell you about him, 'cause now he's dead,
but I remembered some of the things that you said

when the other day you were at the drug store
you heard someone overdosed on paracetamol
you laughed then you said, "why hold back at all?
why not drink poison? that'll work for sure!"

mom, I looked it up, it only takes fifteen tablets
fifteen of paracetamol and it'll send me straight to a casket
mom, what if I were that overdosing teen?
if I take only fourteen, would you tell me the same thing?

mom, I've been starving myself - I hardly eat
I don't know how I'm still managing on my feet
that's fine anyway, you told me I should go on a diet
so go on and tell me that I'm fat, I'll just keep quiet

hey mom, my arms are lined up with slits
but you're worried about if my clothes still fit
so I'll keep my mouth shut, I won't make things bigger
maybe if I tell my friends I'll feel a little better

mom, everyone keeps telling me I'm depressed
that I've got all these emotions inside me supressed
I only listen to you, mom, and I ignore the rest
after all, doesn't the saying go "mother knows best"?

mom, if I wanted to die, what would you do?
'cause if I tell you, I feel like you'd just say, "me, too!"
don't worry, mom, if I'm suddenly gone one day
I've learned to hate myself because of you anyway

mom, everyday is becoming a little too tough
I'm just holding on 'til I can cut deep enough
maybe it would be a nice surprise for me and you
if killing myself is something I finally do.
meliza Nov 2016
when people ask me
why im sad
is it bad to say
that im sad
because i am?
maybe im just meant
to be sad
'cause some people find
happiness
while some stay sad.
and i'd happily
give way, dear
for you to find yours,
no matter
the consequences.
670 · Jun 2018
bisyo.
meliza Jun 2018
tila mapurol na ang gamit na patalim
na sa bawat pagbakas ay lalong dumidiin
baka sa susunod, sasapat na ang lalim
para makalimutan ang bagay na madilim

may dala-dalang bagahe na balak lunurin
sa iilang bote ng matapang na inumin
umaasang tulad nito sana ay ako rin
(maging matapang, o malunod din?)

magpaplano sa isip ng sariling libing
idadaan na lang sa yosi at paglalasing
hanggang atay at baga ko'y maging itim
para terno sa damit ng mga dadating

isa pang sigarilyo ang ilalagay sa bibig
pilit lalanghapin ang nikotina sa dibdib
hanggang di na matukoy ang dahilan ng sakit
hanggang makalimutan ang lahat ng pait.
i havent written for a while. it seems like i've completely lost the ability to write.
420 · Mar 2017
11:11
meliza Mar 2017
You constantly worry no one will love you
For reasons you're not entirely certain of
If "we accept the love we think we deserve,"
What made you think you deserve so little, love?
You beat yourself up, always watching the clock
To waste wishes on 11:11
Hoping someone would love you, but sadly, dear,
You forget that I love you without wishes.
I'll keep an eye on the clock, my heart on watch,
Hoping that someday, you'll learn to stop wishing.
'Til then, I'll wait for 11:11.
337 · Feb 2017
for the last time
meliza Feb 2017
today, i say hello to you
only to say goodbye;
i'll find comfort in your presence
today for the last time.

you used to be my safe haven
my peace, my tranquility
but things are simply meant to end
and it's our time now, maybe.

with the peace we had hand in hand
came the anxiety in my heart
because even back then somehow i knew
that we would fall apart.

and maybe it's time to find comfort
in something that isn't you
because although you were the best for me,
i'll never be good for you.

so today, my love, i say goodbye,
the most bittersweet of words,
as for my mind now walks away,
my heart remains yours, undeterred.
me and writing
335 · Sep 2016
comfort food
meliza Sep 2016
I always bought ice cream
when I wasn’t okay.
sometimes, even when I’m fine.
slow trickles on my hand
and sweet, sticky fingers
brought me comfort anytime.

and you know, I met you
on a day I would drink
my ice cream like it was wine
you wondered why we’d let
petty things give ourselves
comfort we’re trying to find.

for the longest time,
I could rely on you
to always bring home a smile
‘cause though you didn’t ask,
you'd come home with ice cream
when I needed it sometimes.

when you left me alone,
leaving only toothache
and a pain in my insides –
I slowly fell apart
like ice cream trickling slow,
succumbing to summertime.

for an eternity,
I'd let my ice cream melt –
it didn’t quite work this time.
for no ice cream flavor
could take the salty taste
of my tears if I’m crying.

all this time, I thought that
ice cream brought comfort more
than anything else in the world.
but right now, I don't think
anything ever will
except you being beside me.
320 · Dec 2016
find comfort in me
meliza Dec 2016
come here by my side, love. find comfort in me.
let's talk over coffee and bad poetry.
i might not be enough, but i'll try, you'll see.

we could wallow together in solitude
and try to be happy as much as we could.
maybe for a while we'll forget that we're *******.

tell me where you're hurt; let me share your burden.
the weight's crushed you under, love; see, you've fallen.
let me lift you up. let me see your smile then.
311 · Apr 2016
Comfort
meliza Apr 2016
In this world
full of change
we tend to
come back to
familiarity
for comfort

and I'd love
to come back
to you but
you're not quite
as familiar as
I knew you.
257 · Nov 2016
secrets
meliza Nov 2016
you don't know that i know when you keep secrets
i hope it's not something you make into a habit.
and it *****, the way i know you so well --
that i know you without effort, in or out of your shell.
'cause i know you hide something but unlike before
you never open up to me anymore.
but you know i'm here for you, and like always,
i'll wait for you to tell me no matter how long it takes.
my poems are the letters i'll never send you.
255 · Jan 2017
thoughts
meliza Jan 2017
sometimes, I find myself
staring at something yet
nothing at the same time.
like struggling to find
where's the silver lining
between the two of us;
kind of like playing chase,
playing hide-and-seek, but
not quite knowing who's it -
I'd chase after your back
but you're right behind me.
tag, you're it, we'd both think.
but soon we'll get tired of
all the uncertainty
and ever-constant change.
one of us will just stop
while the other goes on
still looking for nothing.
now when I find myself
staring at something and
nothing at the same time,
it reminds me of you,
me and you, you and I -
and what we could've been.
242 · Nov 2016
music
meliza Nov 2016
when i listen to music, it always reminds me of you.
it's a little sad to realize
my favorite songs
all remind me of
late nights
alone.
it's a
constant
reminder that i
can only cry for you
through depressed people's words and sad tunes.
238 · Nov 2016
death
meliza Nov 2016
"There is only one god,
and his name is death.
And there is only one thing
we say to death --
'not today.'"*
Day by day it gets a little harder
but these traces on our wrists
we wear as battlescars.
So we say --
not today.
quote by the dancing master
233 · Feb 2017
words
meliza Feb 2017
don't words lose meaning when
you say them again and again?*

if i keep repeating your name,
will you finally lose meaning
to me?
228 · Nov 2016
lately
meliza Nov 2016
something's wrong with the way i'm thinking
everything easily gets infuriating
all sense of rationality slowly dissipating
as i whole-heartedly embrace the idiot i'm being
i can't be assed to "do my best"
leaning more and more towards "let God do the rest"
full-on acting depressed
hell, no one's impressed
hoping i'd give myself some sort of healing
trying to fill whatever's left of my heart with words so inspiring
well, i did try, but i'm quite definitely failing
'cause a new habit of mine's giving every little thing meaning
like a downright proper poet
when really, my most honest line of all would be "***** it"
maybe someday i'll be able to get through it
though first i should probably stop preaching and actually do it
and i'd just try to seek comfort in my usual scene
but lately it's started involving nicotine
well, quite the rocky ride it has been
who knows if you'll hear another word from me again?
possibly the most honest poem I've written.
219 · Apr 2016
Untitled
meliza Apr 2016
I don't quite
understand
why people
try so hard
to unlove
somebody
when I can't
bring myself
to give love.
Isn't it
enough that
you get to
feel all the
emotions
love can bring
instead of
not being
able to
even feel
anything?
210 · Aug 2016
anyway
meliza Aug 2016
i think maybe you felt
a little angry at the world.
i loved you anyway.
and maybe you thought
no one could love you.
i loved you anyway.
you said you were broken
i didn't really care.
i loved you anyway.
maybe you wished you were gone
to end all the hurt.
i loved you anyway.
i don't know if i'm enough
though i wish to disappear, too.
i loved you anyway.
maybe i hoped we could be gone together
but you preferred to be alone.
i loved you anyway.

maybe all this time
you didn't know i was there.
i still love you, anyway.
207 · Jan 2017
good night
meliza Jan 2017
and all the harm that e'er I've done
alas, it was to none but me.*

"I want to die,"  I confess after one too many drinks.
"I want to die," I watch your eyes as your smile slowly shrinks.

"Life is precious," you say; I shouldn't just let go.
"Life is precious," but love, the voices don't think so.

"Everything will be fine," I look up as the stars seemed to dance.
"Everything will be fine," I say firmly to my shaking hands.

"Stay alive," you tell me now, and I nod almost eagerly.
"Stay alive," your voice rings in my head as I watch you leave me.

"Goodnight," my voice sounded clearly in the wind.
"Goodnight," I let the darkness swallow me in.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," I mumble to myself.
"I'm okay, I'm okay," *but liars go to hell.
reposted because of too many revisions. i change my mind too much.
excerpt at the beginning from the song "the parting glass" --
good night and joy be with you all.
199 · Aug 2016
Medusa
meliza Aug 2016
Your sight alone
turns me to stone -
I'm blinded by your beauty.
Your eyes, your eyes
bring my demise
and you're not there to save me.
174 · Sep 2016
questions
meliza Sep 2016
sometimes i regret
that we fell apart
and it's been a while
but i ask myself
if we patched up things
and started again
do we even know each other anymore?
would we still laugh at
the same silly jokes
and fight over the same
ridiculous things?
and it's times like these
that i realize
i should probably move on and forget you.
if it's that easy
(god, i wish it was)
then i shouldn't be
getting worked up on
questions and quizzes
of ifs and maybes.
*if i did that, maybe it won't hurt as much.
172 · Aug 2016
Untitled
meliza Aug 2016
did you think
you could drive me away
with your broken heart and watery eyes?
just your luck,
i'd a thing for sappy.

did you think
your demons frightened me
just the way they've haunted you all your life?
i've enough
of my demons, thank you.
123 · Jan 7
mga hilig
meliza Jan 7
m a h i l i g  a k o
sa mga bituin
sa malamig na hangin
sa matamis na awitin
kay sarap dinggin
       lalo kung para sa 'kin.

n g u n i t  m a s  h i l i g  k o
mga mata **** tila bituin
mga mapungay na tingin
tuwing nakatitig sa akin
(para 'kong tutumba sa hangin--)
       ikaw at ikaw pa rin.

t u l a d  n a  l a n g  n g  h i l i g  k o
sa mga bagay na hinihiling
mga bagay na 'di para sa 'kin ang alamin
bagay na nararapat lang sa dalangin
mga bagay na maaari lang hingin
       pero hindi kailanman angkinin.
trying to rekindle my passion for writing.
61 · Jan 7
Blasphemy
meliza Jan 7
I've long stopped believing in religion
Long known it's all just bogus
I just can't seem to find my place
Between these long, empty pews

And I've never actually felt at peace
From those countless peace-be-with-you's
And what need do I have for a choir
When the voices in my head are in chorus?
31 · Jan 7
reminders.
meliza Jan 7
lately i've become convinced
something's off with the world's design
because it keeps reminding me of you
and the fact that you're no longer mine.

finding pieces of you here and there
like debris scattered by the wind
maybe these pieces were once part of my heart,
each one a what-if, another could-have-been.

i'd find you in a line in a book
or in the road on my way home
hell - everything is a reminder of you
if i try and think of you alone.

but i guess it's not all that bad
remembering you in all these little ways
'cause this way, i can pretend you're back
even though you've gone away.

and you'll keep on coming back to me
like the lyrics of a song
but it looks like it'll take some time
before i can finally sing along.

— The End —