on the days when church is difficult
just remember, jesus isn't

You know when after a long day,
You climb into bed,
Exhausted,
And you curl up,
Sinking into the bed,
Breathing becoming regular.
That's what loving you was like.
Rare, and comfortable.

The darkest, twisted alleys in the back of my mind,
Confusion, hurt, loneliness.
Yet also, across the way,
The happy, joyous, incandescent feelings:
they're mine.
And mine alone.
I thought no one would understand
I thought I was alone.
On my own.
Feeling so far gone yet so far up on cloud 9 no one could ever bring me down again.
But, believe me darling,  you're not.

For my deepest thoughts I thought no one could ever comprehend,
You put them into words.

It's a difficult matter
Being in between
Back and forth
To and fro
Because you can
And do,
Get lost in it.
The most confusing feeling,
I've discovered,
Is being homesick,
Without a home.

Why do we put so much pressure
On others?
Waiting around for
Friends, family,
That one person who's on our Facebook and we can't remember why,
To accomplish great things so we can praise them.
Graduating high school,
Entering college,
Joining the workforce,
Falling in love - -
Why are these things on our to-do lists?
These aren't some mindless tasks,
This is life.
What if we took all that
And pushed ourselves harder?
Where would that get us?

You're the only one
I've ever known
In the way that I knew you.
You were the one always
On my mind and in my thoughts.
So, now that I'm trying to remove
You,
It's as if I'm missing something.
Something I've always known and
Always had.
Getting over you
Turns out to be a much larger
Task than I ever had imagined.
I don't think about you,
Then I hear a song,
And there you are
As if you want to be there
But aren't doing anything to
Prove it.

All I've ever been trying to do
Is selflessly love you.

But I've come to realize,
It's hard to continue to love someone,
When you don't know if they love you back.

When we parted
I didn't realize
How long that would be
And what it meant
When we didn't even say "goodbye"
Was it because we didn't want to?
I know I didn't.
Eight entire months
Nothing.
So I show up where I knew you'd be
And you didn't hesitate
Smiles, a hug, light, joking conversation.
And it all "came flooding back" -
As cliche as that is.
But it's true.
So now that I'm here still,
And you're not,
We're back to that silence.
So excuse me for being confused
And conflicted,
I should have made it clear
That I really want this.
I just need to know if
You do too.

I want
To be with you
So often
And so long
That we run out of things to talk about.
And that's okay
Because then everything has been said.  
Because even just being with you will be
Enough.
Let's climb on the roof
To watch the sunrise
And lay in the grass tonight
To see the stars.
Let's stay in  
And eat macaroni
Because we're never too old for that.
Let's just be us.
And just us, together,
Will be the best thing,
Forever.

Here I am
In the dark, black of my bedroom
And I blink
Over
And over
To flush the tears from my eyes
And remind myself to focus and see
All that isn't in front of me

It's easier to notice
Your flaws
When others point them out.
So why on earth
Would you be
One of those people
To yourself?

m.p.

I want to know your
Darkest moments
Happiest memories
Most favorite food
And color and season.
They may seem insignificant.
But I promise they're not.
I want to know your
Most buried secret
Wildest daydreams
Who you think about before you fall asleep
And what you want in life.
My interest in these things
About you
Isn't exactly for my gain.
The reason I want to know your
Fears, dreams, childhood, and desires,
Is because
I want to tell you mine.

Sunburned skin
Tired eyes
Makeup wipes removing smears from a long day,
Revealing pores and freckles
That represent
Too much time in the sun
And not enough skin care.
And that's okay,
Because underneath all that makeup
Is proof of an exciting childhood,
Happy summers,
Golden rays on golden days,
Full of life.
Full of fun.
Full of memories.

I'm the girl
That's never been kissed.
Partly because no one has wanted to kiss me.
But mostly because I haven't wanted to be kissed.
Partly because I don't trust easily.
But mostly because I don't trust myself.
Partly because I think I love too easily.
But mostly because I know that's true.

Thoughts are
Amazing
Powerful
Detrimental
Unbelievable
They either control you
Or you control them.
Fear, however,
Is surprising.
You dislike it, yet sometimes
You don't dislike it enough
To change it,
And become unafraid.
How?
Forgive, love, live.
And move on.

I hate it when
People tell you what is true
As if it's a fact
Not a matter of opinion.
I hate it when they say,
"You never know."
Because they're right.
Yet, not really.
"You will never know"
When you'll meet the one.
Sure.
"You will never know"
What will change your life.
Okay.
"You will never know."
Just because I'll never know
What can and will happen
Or what can't and won't happen
Doesn't mean I can't live
Or plan
Or do something differently.
Never knowing is what allows us
To dream.

The concept of this is rather complicated
Yet entirely uncomplicated
Because during it all
As time went on
I began to realize something
That all theses times you were on my mind
It wasn't plural
Because I only thought of you once
And never stopped.

What were you doing
Giving me all these
Side glances
All this eye contact
It's amazing
How easily I let you
Or wanted you to
Mess with my mind
The way we could talk
And stand so close
I thought you might step back
Yet you didn't
What did that mean
When every time I looked at you
You without fail
Were already looking at me

I'm writing
In a dark and twisty effort
To get over you

Unfortunately
I don't think it's working

Once upon a time
That's usually how it goes
I fell in love
With someone
So great
In so many ways
The only fault
Wasn't even his
It was mine all along
That I chose
To love someone
So hard
Knowing the favor
Would never be returned

Not actually anything
Or things worth thinking
Just again
More
And more
Thoughts, memories, could-have-beens
But I'm just here
Alone
Thinking about you
While you're not thinking
About me