You are sitting with your family for lunch. They
Are talking, passing food, laughing and you are watching them
Through the glass of your corneas. You watch them while you are
Busy keeping yourself afloat; you are floating and wondering why
There’s no jellyfish all around your head, and it amazes you that oceans
Are not silent as you thought they’d be. It amazes you that you are able to
Smile and nod and breathe and pretend you are paying attention when all you
Are thinking is how to keep your feet still, your hands from shaking, your legs
From leaving the room, so you cross your arms and smile again.
When you watched Pacific Rim you thought it was about the way you inhabit
Your own body, like wearing a dress you don’t fit in, like having so much room
Inside your empty spaces that you take a lot of time just to say
Hello, because it’s a long way just to reach your mouth and speak up.
You think nobody could ever understand what all of this means.
In fact, for a very long time, nobody will know.
Let me tell you what’s going to happen to you: someone will hold you like you
Mattered; they will hold you like you are precious, and they will kiss your cheek
Firmly. They will press their lips on your cheek and make it last for two seconds.
When you two will part, you will start to shake. Now, listen to me carefully:
You won’t shake because they matter. You will do it because
This is more affection than what you had in a lifetime. You will be
Overwhelmed because you are not used to be held like that
And you are desperately hungry.
You will shake because it hurts.
You will question the extent of your damage
And think it’s worrying but there’s a detail you’ll fail to
Notice: for two whole seconds you haven’t thought of the oceans.

The smell of iron at 9:19 am, disgusting
Unresolved, I
Would have given you the palm of my hands, there
Was a parade of objects in hibernation, and
The wire was made of plastic
I couldn’t
Walk, Tiburtina
Railway station blew up around me, the
Upside-down lilies hanging and dangling, you
Were sewn inside
My chest and pushed
Broken
You were breaking my ribs, shrieked, I
Was thinking about your hair
The embrace
The window
The cat
On the other windowsill
(As if he knew)
And you
Moving forward in the smell
Of the smoke, expanding
And she
Keeping on, she was filling up
All the cans
Was labelling and talking and talking
Pretending she had never
Existed, she
Had been
Transfigured
Hidden inside the white, she
I miss you, you kept saying, it
Couldn’t be done.
Don’t you understand?
It couldn’t be done.

The moon asleep in the well under
The surface of the blackwater, four
Stars of steel and a badly done
Impersonation of my-
Self,
Erase and compensate
Repeated his voice from the bottom
Of the glass, you
Were shining
You said it again
In Neverland there’s no more room
For the Lost Boys
And she - the moon in the well - had
Lost her lips, removed
Her cuticles
One after the other, she had
Consumed a few names
From the wings of the doves, there
Was no more vision, no more dreams, it was
A realm of shadows, no
Lament was rising
To the ceiling, blood was coming
Back modulating itself in clots, no
Punches
Only water
A lot of water inside
The well, where the moon asleep used to
Lie
Staring at the sky
The bars
The coins
You were shining, locked outside
Collecting
The smell of iron, the colour of dice
A heart broken in a thousand valuable gems, a small
Horse, fragments of coal, your *******
The moon in the well was drowning, was crying, it
Couldn’t be done,
Here is what.
It couldn’t be done.

i was a light I couldn’t turn off.
a signal i wasn’t able to ease.
i was a gun devoid of silencer.
i was constant sound, ready to burst your ears.
i was a broken windup toy, a doll marching on, disconnected, loose arm,
hair reduced to a blackberry bush, a sequence of shadows. of shadows.

All is well except
That the wall is made
Of perspex, transparent
And her wings hit against it without
Making any sound
While
The rift she treasures on her sternum is
Cicatrizing under the sun at seven o’clock
In the morning, while
The smell of flowers is piercing through the path of cold and
The smell of ***, the memory of the stolen candle, twenty
Meters running under the pouring rain, inside
My ears, the city is swimming in
The dark
And it’s ours.
Dismantled.
It hurts.
The taste of the broken tooth, the
Badly stitched dream, and no need to say it:
the waiting.
While the hand is pushing, the shouts
Are drawing strange vortexes
Under the hair and
The air continuously recycled
Is ingesting
Massive amounts of
Darkness
As
You advance
Defying the butterflies
Adjusting your heel
From time to time.

Stranger
Sometimes I think I
Want you so bad that even if I was
Never capable to call you mine, it would
Still be Ok; because wanting you is the
Sweetest torture one could ever
Imagine, in fact it is: out of
Imagination, far from control and
Absolute like a blaze in
A cold winter night.
Stranger, I have built so many
Labyrinths of letters just for your
Pleasure, and you have always
Followed me there because
There’s nothing in this world you
Love more than losing yourself
However: what you
Don’t see is that
Words are my
Hiding place
And it is by
Following my
Trail of letters that
You’ll never be
Able to find
Me, so:
stop
it.
Come
And seal
My lips with a kiss
Find me, so I will stop
Running away from your ways
Because this time I want you
To lose yourself under my
Skin, deep inside
My body.
Stranger, let my fingers
Trace new fables
Over your spine
Let my hands
Reveal my secrets
Let my eyes build more
Castles than my words will ever
Do, because my body is my
Finding place and
This time
I want you
To finally
Reach
Me.

a contradiction contracted in
lowest terms are
you.
[it’s metal edges]

your beauty is
of
a
garden
(suspended at mid-
clouds), to enter
and

to say

that in such a
variety of
flowers
there
can not
be
one that
attracts
you

to pick it

to dismantle it
and
to
neglect
the
rest.

[it’s plasticized segments]

you know how to
quickly imprint
yourself
on me

when

you laugh
at times
and
conversely
you weep
and

you are like

those skies
that shake me
to my core

when

they are
blinding
on one hand
and
violently bleak
on the other

so

clearly
fractured
they shake
me pierce
me
pierced
i am
by

you.

[it’s just thinned points]

imagine if
a chameleon
started
to
acquire
each
gradation
of
another
creature
in the form
already
similar
to
it:

where
could
he
ever
escape?

[it’s inconstant semicircles]

(i can not
delineate
you
it is like
sketching
a tidal
wave
nobody
can:

painters

invent them)


[and it’s shoved arches]


i’ll tell you
of
a
woman
her soul
shattered
and

subsequently

imprisoned
splinter by
splinter
in hail
stones

she

fell
and
she felt
herself
crashing
at the same
instant
millions
of times

however

she
never
went
insane.

[it’s torn curves]


(and I know well
how a continuity
interrupted
succeeds
to make
you
fumble
convulsively
but it’s not
enough
for me to
restrain
myself
don’t
ask
me
to)

[it’s petrified vertical axes]

what i see
is
a cross
section of
enclosure
handfuls with
disconcerting
efficiency
consisting
of prisms
and

you know how to decompose

yourself inside
an innocence
delimited
you proceed
by inconstancies
you lacerate
metabolizing
you struggle
silencing
and

i could
only
teach you
one thing:

gray is not
a faded
version
of
black.

And it’s not me yet
The one I challenged
In the night of the war
When the sun was
Fluctuating narcotized
And the moon was
Looking away

And I haven’t been
Myself anymore once
That I saw what’s invisible
To the meddlers’
Eyelashes

And there was only me
There was only me
To defend the blood
To beat the blood

And it’s not me
To hit replay
It’s not me with the remote control
But a crazy vagabond
An unaware vagabond
Who wiggles
And turns it on
By jumping

The city was turning
Into a mirror.
You were trying to move as little as possible
Fearing variations more than anything.
The essential — now —
Consisted in not disturbing.
The cold was eating your legs, your cheeks
You were calm and wanted to go away
What was left to hold you back?
Your heart was burning and nightmares were
Surrounding your hair.
You were looking down, looking
For your own ankles
You were paying attention to the echoes,
Searching for
Someone who would grab your arm
You only wanted to hear a no
— and it was not coming.
You were hoping for some
It’s not true
— and it was not coming.
The dart had been shot
Punctual and similar to bees
Poison
It was getting you sick
You were struggling to survive
While hoping, however, to die of it.
It would have never killed you.
The smell of flowers was vanishing,
The city had turned into a mirror.
Now you could only cover your eyes.

annie has cut out herself.
(annie has cut a shape for herself out of a sheet of plywood)
annie shelters herself.
(annie is blocking her thoughts out by making use of her skinny forearms)
annie has lost her hands.
(annie is not simply an amputee, she’s also in a deep coma)
annie identifies herself with the ceiling.
(annie is out of the world of the living things)
annie doesn’t feel the rain.
(annie doesn’t feel anything anymore)
annie is under a scrap of cloth.
(annie only sees blots of dripping paint)
annie ended up in a gap.
(annie ended)
annie has stopped counting.
(annie has changed the order of the numbers, randomly)
annie has stopped subsisting.
(annie now needs a thinking subject, to think of herself)
annie doesn’t constitute a movement.
(annie moves by gracious permission of the force of inertia)
annie only perceives the force of gravity.
(annie adheres to the pavement)

annie can’t remember her latest smart thought.

I desperately needed to be held to your chest.
But you were washing dishes, cleaning your duties
So you allowed me to only hold onto your shin.
I still recall the feel of your stockings
Against my cheek, your apron
Brushing against my hair, I still
Wear the scar, caress the damage
Look at the hole you dug into my voice.

The day you decided to turn me into a ghost
I was three and quite busy in the process
Of teaching myself the difference
Between love and winter.

I won’t eat your food.
I’ll tell you that I’m not hungry
I’ll eat mine when you can’t see me.
I’ll look happy, all the time.
You’ll wonder what happened to me
How can I be so **** cheery
And funny.
I’ll be so much fun.
When you ask me if I’m ok
I will give you my brightest eyes
And tell you that I’m fine.
You’ll wonder how
My messed up life
Has suddenly turned perfect.
I’ll be your best listener.
I’ll smile and nod when you share your thoughts
You’ll wonder what you did to deserve
Such a good friend
I will read it in your eyes.
I’ll be sweet.
I’ll be adorable.
I’ll pour large spoons of honey on you.
I’ll always do what you ask me to do.
I’ll cast my light on your path
I’ll share my wisdom
I’ll give you small treats
I’ll treasure you
I’ll be warm.
If you offer me something
I’ll gently refuse it.
If you offer to help me
I’ll say I’m doing fine.
I won’t spend much time in the house
You’ll assume I've become more sociable.
You won’t question any of this.
You’ll fully enjoy it.
And this is what I want.
Because you have stabbed me
While I was looking away
You have drowned me in the bath tub
Quietly chopped my body
To make it fit the trash bag
And you expect me to be just fine.

(There is no leak in your floor
You see, I've chosen not to destroy you
So I sewed my pieces back together
Hid the stitches under black fabric
But I could do nothing about the water:
I keep sinking on the inside
And it shows)

I wasn’t ready.
In fact, I hadn’t even completely turned myself
Into a proper child.
All my dolls were lined up on top of the closet,
An army of silent virgins
Never willing to answer any of my questions.
My skin was brand new, my ears already broken
My eyes had been consumed by the sight
Of my princess in the bathroom
Quietly sobbing in front of the mirror.

The day you decided it was time to grow up
I was five and quite busy in the process
Of teaching myself how
To put my fingers to the corners
Of my mother’s mouth
To make her smile.

So you keep excusing yourself
For being absent-minded and forgetting
Me at the back of your shadows.
Just because I’m dead it doesn't mean I
Do not starve anymore, you know?
My hunger feeds on your clumsy ways of
Unstitching me.

Don’t give me what I want.
Give me what I need.
Never surprise me.
Don’t give me more than what I’m expecting.
Just the minimum required not to make me walk away.
Don’t worry: I’m expecting very little.
Keep me waiting.
Don’t forget to switch the light off when you’re gone.
Make sure I’m left in the darkness and in a cold corner.
Tell me everything about the way you feel.
In details.
Make sure I know all about the pain you feel for someone else.
No matter how deep it cuts me, I’m tough.
Please give me a chance to comfort you and make it better.
Let me heal your wounds.
I know you’re alone and you can only rely on me.
For God’s sake, never make me your priority.
Never put me in the center of your world.
We both know who’s the center of your world.
Never change this.
Don’t give me what I want.
Give me what I need to stay in this.
Never surprise me.
Make me feel that I’m invisible to you,
But please
Make sure I survive through this,
Keep me alive
Because you need me.
You especially need me when you’re alone.
Make sure I realize
That I only exist
Because you are heartbroken.
That you called me in your world just to comfort you.
Keep repeating how amazing I am.
I’m your best friend and your nurse.
I’m your guardian angel.
I wouldn’t even be here if you weren’t damaged.
But keep saying that I’m your love,
Keep saying that I’m your girlfriend.
Feel free to use me,
I’m at your disposal
Because I love you.
Give me little in return,
Just the minimum required not to make me walk away.
Keep me hidden in your shadows.
Never show me to the world.
Stay blind to my feelings for you,
Keep thinking that I’m dying ’cause of something else.
Take good care of me when I’m drowning in despair.
Make sure nothing affects my ability to heal you.
Go along with my little wishes.
Never propose something we could do together.
But keep saying yes to whatever I’d like to do with you.
Make sure I feel that you’re only aiming to please me.
Keep me chained to your own chains.
Never let me go.
Lie to me.
Say that your heart is split in two.
Better not to talk about proportions.
Poison me.
Love me when you fear that I’m walking away.
You’re so much sweeter when you’re feeling guilty.
Cut me to the bone.
But never run out of bandages.
Smile softly as you’re repairing the damage you created.
Kiss my fresh wounds.
Keep repeating that you love me.
But never show me love.
Complicate me.
Love me when nobody is around.
But don’t be around when I’m only there for you.
Keep reminding me that you don’t want me,
Never say this openly.
Make sure I understand that you only need me.
Keep repeating that you adore me.
Don’t give yourself to me,
But make sure I think you do.
Keep saving yourself for the one you truly love.
Never treat me bad.
Never abuse me.
Just give the minimum required
Not to make me walk away.
Give me the key to open this cage
But make sure I don’t even wish to leave.
Make sure that I think I’m yours.
Make sure that I’m terrified of losing you.
Marry me if it’s necessary.
Do to me what’s been done to you.

“I have feelings for you,” she said. “Oh, I’m
Sorry, we’ll have to get you better,” he replied
Handing her some cough-syrup and a bunch of pills.
“I don’t want anything from you,” she said; meanwhile, she
Proceeded to hide her heart in the pocket of her jacket, so that
He wouldn’t notice how intact it was.
“How did it happen?” he asked.
“Who knows? I guess I stared
Too much, but do not
Worry; it’s not
Contagious.”
He nodded
And thanked
Kissed her cheek
Omitted a goodbye.
They went their own ways.

A few minutes later she was inspecting her pocket
“Why did you do that? He could
Have been the one,” said
Her heart.
She didn’t reply.

We celebrated each other’s funerals
Condemned every ritual of our shadows
Six feet under our beating hearts.
A few days later I saw you
Making preparations for a birthday
You were not that dead after all.

London is a name fixed in the yellow of a post-it
Thinking of Thames pushes the gaze
Somewhere else
In my case to the left, upwards
Acting cool
It’s where I stretch my fingers, where I
Hang on to the linen
[Of memories]

London is my ear lobe that keeps bleeding
Cotton wool pressed by my fingers and
The smell of lime in this room
Tracks of piercings I have never seen
The trail of a scar for you to lick

Of London thinks
My hair that is much too long
London is “Tell me about London that you can’t explain”
And “no more queue to know about Jack?”
A worn out pendant that makes my teeth chatter
But I stand still, you say:
“To a spirit like yours”

Then London
Is squares too narrow
You and I walking, I kissing you
And “I can’t keep you inside here anymore”
And “Maybe I know why I’m so sad”
And “What is that you fear?”
I fear
Of wishing

So if I am London, you
Are Piccadilly and Soho glimpsed from a postcard
The blazing colors, grey prevailing
Rain varnishing the double-deckers
I, saying: “When I’m with you, snow is all around”
“Is it a bad thing?”
“No, it’s not”

And again London catches me sighing
I always hear doors closing
I still feel throats slashed
And “I feel my things are mute on the ground”
And you say: “How small can you be?”
As the doll
Of a doll

(0001) I saw you passing by
Hiding behind a window
I was happy to see you
You weren’t there for me
(0002) Like a lamp in
Full daylight
I was unseen
Now I had to make
Your sky darker
For you to find me again
(0003) My nerves were shot
I didn’t know what to do
With you anymore
(0004) More and more transparent
(0005) You thought that since you had built me
You could now fully dismantle me
(0006) You are growing thorns
(0007) Do not speak
(0008) You taste like plastic &
It’s getting darker
(0009) I’ve been exiled
(0010) Consuming is the process
Of pouring words into you
Letters sliding along the smooth
Surface of the glass that you
Have become; letters
Slowly reach the ground
& Form a small puddle
(0011) You are an answering machine
I am starting to miss the point
(0012) You managed to eradicate me from myself
(0013) I trusted you in the process
(0014) Seeding; filling every single vein of mine with
(0015) You
Are everywhere
(0016) Am I running out of bandages?
(0017) Your words hang from these walls
Like painted phantoms
(0018) Do I still exist?
What have you done to me?
(0019) You are one step away & I can’t move
(0020) You forced me to observe as you unravelled it all
(0021) Feeling uncomfortable inside this wound
(0022) Please stop hiding bombs in every flower you give me
(0023) You keep playing hide & seek
(0024) Your eyes are white and empty as you
Laugh & run - I see you:
Everything is in your hands and
You are always so scared
(0025) I can invest my time better
(0026) Throwing myself in the mastodontic process
Of surgically removing you from my ******* existence
(0027) Whoever said ghosts do not change
Never witnessed the evolution of mine

I was not too surprised.
In fact, I had just been extracted from my princess’ womb
When she decided to move into her beautiful mind
Leaving me screaming, bleeding and naked
To the arms of a boy who hadn’t learned yet
The proper way to choose me.

The day you decided to be turned into my ghosts
I had realized for a long time that trust was my unicorn
So I knew exactly what to do to survive you
While inhabiting the same walls:
You were immaterial and you wouldn’t even notice.

it’s raining and i stand
watching the walls melt down
dripping
like make-up from tears
the throat is a canyon
burnt by the wind
the window is closed
it has iron bars
why does there have to be
just one place
just one?
all that is given
should never
ever
be taken back
artificial losses
display cabinets
it’s too late, don’t you see?
abre los ojos
but you have opened them
you are just taking revenge
you just want to
reclaim something
a guarantee
that it’s worthwhile
you must have told yourself
i hope you are happy with the leftovers
corrosion
crying
for me, not for you
never for you
who take no notice
of the lines i trace
with chalk
and chase me
and take me for granted
and are blind
and want to lock me in
and while you advance
you lose
inviting me to escape
i watch the walls
getting closer
i watch her
erasing them
i watch me
inside the walls
disappearing

can you say how you feel?
to shake the head imperceptibly.
please, do not step back.
the zero in the middle of cards.
her hands are trembling, so typical.
i can feel this buzz of colors, like
a crowd in an impressionist painting,
you know what i mean?
same old story.
don’t move.
who’s there?
it’s been a while.
blots of pure color and no identity.
is there anything wrong with what i said?
i turn off the light and dark makes this room smaller.
it’s always a matter of faith.
who are you?
someone in the shadows nods, then sighs and
smiles, full of benevolence.
even smaller.
i need comfort.
you understand when you don’t have to and
you don’t understand anything anyway.
hold the half-moon in the center of your palm.
even more suffocating.
you have all these things to give me and
you keep them all behind you.
same old words.
you never stretch your hands to give them to me.
i say: shreds. what do you think of?
forgive me.
i have never learnt.
i think of the mind.
they go rotten, useless.
i’m sorry.
turn the palm into a treasure chest.
but light makes a sound, right?
you wait so long they become useless.
breathe, you’ll be alright.
to swing, harmonizing the blink of an eye.
i have never learnt, i do my best.
the mind.
you have never listened.
feeling pain, like letting air in.
it doesn’t matter.
i didn’t have to know, see, do.
between myself and i.
to breathe out.
in the absence of friction.