I never realize it till it's dark
But I am so ****** up
Am I so proud that it kills me to ask for help?
Am I so proud that when someone offers to buy me something -
I'll say no without a second thought, even
If it was something I desperately wanted?
I can barely ask for help on something as simple as a math problem.
I didn't tell my closest friend about my depression -
I didn't want to bother her with my problems,
Even though she had depression too,
And knew exactly what I was going through

Look -
My point is,
I need someone.
Someone to take care of me,
Even when I'm too proud for my own good

Someone,
Anyone.
I just want someone to see through my *******

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You slipped from my grasp
(Though I never held you to begin with)
And I fear
(With some concern)
That with that missed chance
(They seem to be piling up, don't they?)
Goes a little bit of my heart
(You tore it off with your smile and nails)
If I was polite
(Which I would be, if my momma taught me)
I'd smile and thank you for your time
(Like Good Little Girls should)
But since I'm not
(And thank heaven for that)
*******

You ****** me up and you don't even know it

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It just occurred to me that
I can find bonds with other people
That I thought I never could.

Which means I can and will get over you.

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I thought I had no more in me to write

I was wrong

The girl lives to write another day,
Broken, bloodied, bent,
But her heart still beats,
Even if it leaks out her soul

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Wanting to cry for a life I've never known.
Wanting to mourn connections I've never had.
Wanting to feel heartache over pain I've never felt.

Why is so much of my life skirting by the edges of human existence?
Wishing for, hoping for, wanting a life like others
So close to feeling fully human
But maybe I am Pinocchio

Almost, but not
Quite.

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I may be a bit drunk
But I can't stop
Thinking of you
I wonder what that means
Do I love you?
Perhaps?
Do I just like you?
Perhaps
Do I know which?
Sadly, no

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What we are here for
We are never born with it
Instead, we must search for it

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I cannot count it
How much I've almost grasped it
And it just -slip- away

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A lone, mournful loon
Oh, how it cries, how it cries!
But why does it cry?

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Sometimes when I see you I can't even breathe
And I don't mean figuratively
Sometimes when I see you turn a corner it's like someone walked up to me and punched me in the gut and I just
Can't.
Breathe.
And sometimes when I see you I trip

I swear
You are a goddess
And I am not worthy

I have dreams about you, you know
Your eyes, your neck, your hands, all fluttering
Like a butterfly on the wind,
Flapping its wings to the beat of my heart

Delicate
But so angry that I'm scared
I don't know how to handle you
I'm sorry

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A falling raindrop,
It plummets past the treetops,
Hellbent on its doom

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The cool of the forest washes over me,
As the breeze filters through the branches
Trees stand quietly around me,
While the moss sits with equal silence.

The rain has brought peace and green to the woods once again.

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"Perfect endings are best left to books and ballads anyways"

While I'd much like a perfect ending for you and I
I'd happily settle for a mediocre one,
Or even
one at all

I want you
In whatever way I can
Honestly,
I'm desperate
I'm an emaciated hound,
Begging for scraps at your table
But all I've gotten
Is a kick,
Leaving me hurt and more hungry than ever

I always seem to be starving,
You know
I wonder what it's be like to feel full

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With the sun glancing on the ground,
I find warmth in odd-shaped windows between trees;
It helps me fight of the chills.

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Sometimes I wish I would break
All over again
So I could sew myself back together

Sometimes I miss depression
I don't know how to explain it except this:
It was such a familiar sadness

Sometimes I think I'm crazy,
Wishing for what I'll never have again..
Or at all

Sometimes I think I'm more than human
How many other people can Write Like This?

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think I'm crazy

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My mind, it wanders
And I,
I don't really control it,
But it just sort of -
tip-top-tips
Away
Into the darkness that, sadly, is my brain
And I,
I haven't quite mastered the art of
Bringing It Back
And I surely don't have a leash for it
So I just let it wander
And do what it wants
Because,
Really,
Who am I to deny my thoughts the Simple Pleasure
Of wandering freely
I've never been so fortunate, myself

The mind is a lovely thing,
And, oh,
How it boggles!

My thoughts are very... Freefloating
Compared to me

Funny how that works, isn't it?

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The branches form an arch over me,
And I am protected overhead as I journey along this path.
What beautiful cover, indeed!

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Ink-stained hands,
Ripped up heart
And all I want to know is:

Where do I go from here?
How can I recover?

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I used to have the husk of a seed inside me,
Badly in need of water and sun
And gradually,
Over time,
I watered it
And nourished it
I turned it towards the sun

And god, life is so
Beautiful

First it sprouted,
A tiny little green head poking up through the dead dirt
And it grew
And grew
And grew

And finally,
Look at me now,
I have vines running down my legs and arms,
Sprouting flowers of all colors
Red, bright pink, gentle yellow,
And -oh,
the vines wrapped around my ribs,
Sprouting out me eyes, ears, nose, and mouth
I'm just filled with happiness
-And Life
This is life, this green feeling in my body
...Sprouting flowers, not thorns

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A lion may roar,
While the wind whispers,
And who can understand the leaves?

Nature creates a symphony...
It is up to you to find the beat.

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Where does the darkness go when it leaves us?
Does it stick in the walls, for another family to have, years or decades down the line?
Do we compress it and hide it deep down inside us?
Or do we transfer it to other people,
Hoping they can make the best of the worst of us?

Because if so,
Then I'm sorry
I didn't mean to




I think I apologize too much

...Sorry                                                                (****)

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I was going to make a wish
But instead I find myself writing
Because I know that wishes don't come true

The first time I wanted to kiss you was last year
Yet I still have not felt your lips
And the first time I wished to ******* was months ago
Yet I still have not intertwined your body with mine
And the first time I wished to hold you was weeks ago
Yet still I have not felt you in my arms

You may call me cynical
But I have given up on wishes and miracles
For I know they do not come true

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In between two places again

Never a clean break

I leave webs and tendrils wherever I go;
They draw me back once more

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When I saw it was 11:11
I rushed to make a wish
And what I wished for it:

You

Just you

And I know that wishes don't come true
And I know that I'll never get you

But hey,
A girl has to hope, right?

Right?

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Before you fall in love with someone else
You must first
Fall in love with yourself

Fall in love with the way you snort when you laugh,
With the curve of your hips,
The gentle arc of your thighs,
How harshly your muscles stand out when you flex

Fall in love with yourself.
run your hands up and down your body,
Feeling every curve and dip
Fall in love with your knobby knees and dry elbows,
Your puns, your smile, your red ears.

Fall in love with yourself,
And then,
Only then,
Will you truly be able to love someone else

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I don't want this to be over.
Please tell me this isn't over.

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"Why do you spend so much time online?"
Maybe because I can't go
Two
Hours
At school without hearing the word ******
And I'm called a **** for not shaving my legs
And people say I'm not a real girl because I'm better than boys in games
Because I've got to listen to people I know and care about
Be racist, sexist, and homophobic
Every.
****.
Day.

So excuse me for wanting to be in a place where I can be me
And not be scared
Or fear judgement

****. You.

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I thought we were best friends
But you ******* lied
I feel like I got my stomach punched
My guts ripped out
I kind of want to ****
We were best friends
That means we tell each other everything
But I guess you didn't get the memo

...I suppose it's my fault too
I should have made it clear that I'd listen and help you, without judgement
No matter my personal feelings
I'm sorry
I failed

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Surveying the scene,
The juxtaposition of dark and light
It makes one think

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Say something I'm giving up on you

I seem to be saying that a lot lately
...Doing that more and more...

So the question is:
Am I losing my faith in general?
Or am I just not a dreamer?
(Anymore)

Life is a curious thing
It always keeps you hanging on

No matter how much you've lost your faith

I wonder what'll restore mine

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Your words, in the end,
Were no more full of substance
Than a rotted log

Did you mean it?
To lie, I mean.

Like a newly-grown sapling,
My words may have been naive
But at least they were true

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I don't think any amount of alcohol could
Make me forget what you've done to me
You've ruined me
I can't trust I can't call people my best friend I can barely call them a friend to begin with
WHY
DID
YOU
DO
THIS
TO
ME
I
NEVER
ASKED
FOR
THIS
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A FRIEND
I NEVER MEANT TO FALL IN LOVE

God I'd do anything I take it all back I swear just please don't ruin me like this, so silently and cruelly what did I do to deserve this

There's a scream building in my throat but I won't let it out I swear I'll never let anyone know I'll never let anyone in again I'm ruined I'm broken I might as well join the army now I need to get away

Please talk to me tell me you HATE ME I DON'T CARE I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT I
DID
WRONG

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You could offer me the world and I'd say
No

I don't want the world.
I just want
You.

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I loathe writing poems on the computer
It's so... impersonal
With pen, it's so much more intimate
You can really get a better image of the writer at the time they wrote the poem
And, ah!
The swoop of the pen,
The way the ink trails across the paper,
It's a seduction unlike any other

And I love it so.
So, if the day comes that I can no longer write,
Just **** me,
Cause I'm already dead

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The empty hum of
The room in which I reside
Fills my soul with peace

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Wide awake, dreaming
Hoping for something that will never be

My dreams always escape me,
One way or the other
And I continue to adapt

But I'm tired
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?

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The only thing I want is you
Slam me up against a wall,
**** me till I can't breathe,
I want you

The sounds our bones would make,
A hundred years from now,
The most beautiful ratta-tat-tat
Of our bones pounding like drums
Heavy, ******, filling the air with our chorus
Love is music,
Life is love,
It all goes in a circle,
And currently,
I keep coming back to you

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The snow brings with it
A silence not heard in
Ages

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The sun beats down on the new leaves
The leaves,
They are:
Fresh,
Tiny,
Fragile,
And so green my eyes hurt to look at them
The world is exploding
Exploding with new life
And, here, witnessing it all,
Stand I,
A mere pawn in this game


The sky, bluer than the sea
The trees, greener than a jealous man,
The sun, brighter than the twinkle in your eyes
I can do nothing except sit here and witness it
And I couldn't care less

If this is all there was to life,
I would be quite content

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I'm up much too late
And I think I tore my heart a bit

It's nice, though
The fuzziness that comes with it
Almost like I'm drunk
If I'm lucky,
Maybe I'll forget you

But your touches are like burns on my flesh,
And I cannot scrub them off,
No matter how hard I try

I either need stronger soap or stronger liquor
And I don't know which.

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I'm falling asleep
Passing into the blackness
I want to never return

But going in, it
Re-energizes me
And I come out,
Wanting never to
Leave the light again.

I am so...
Wishy-washy.

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I went outside to look at the stars
I went out, boldly, unafraid
And then I thought
"How nice it would be to kiss you underneath this blanket of stars, this pillow of night holding us up"
And then I realized
You were not there
Suddenly I was aware of the dark and the terrors it held
And I went back inside, alone

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What am I doing
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong

Why won't you talk to
Me
Me
Me

It's so silent without and I,
I do not like it

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The Northern Lights,
A great green swirling Chinese dragon,
Dancing in the sky,
Writhing so slowly,
So elegantly...

So divinely.

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Just thinking of you,
And the light shining out of your face

You are just too sunny
For a sad soul like
Me

Maybe if I go to bed now
I'll brighten with the rising sun.

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I stumble and
Catch myself

Did I do it again?
Ex-cuse
Me

That’s not correct

It’s not all me

It takes two to tango

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Raindrops falling
Dark receding
Here comes hope,
In the guise of the Sun,
Riding a new day

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God,
I just want to fall
So hopelessly in love

Sleeping in each other's arms,
Whispered nothings,
Small kisses,
And pure happiness

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"Lonely"
The word sits there,
Mocking me.
How can I protest and say I am not, when
Your heartbeat is the Only thing I want to hear
And your sweet, soft, heady scent is all I want to breathe

I'd choose your arms over a bed any day.

Too bad I'm stuck with what I have.

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I am weary.

My joints ache and crack and crunch and pop,
And my eyes droop,
                                   lower,
                                              lower,

F
   a
     l
      l
       i
        n
          g

I should like to lay flat next to you.
You'd heal me better than any balm or bandage.

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