oooo
i haven't written in a minute.

i talked to someone and the conclusion was if you got nothing
trapped inside
you got nothing to write about.

it seemed true.

i look back on my old writings,
full of angst and bad rhymes,
so much anger and sad.

i'm pretty happy these days,
and i guess it must be some sort of true
because i don't find myself drawn to writing.

but if i had something to say i would say

it's been nice getting to know this side of myself
i've been learning and growing and
i've been in awe of my capacity to exist
and exist better
of staying alive despite such a constant
urge to walk into passing cars
a lingering wonder of what
would happen if i just fell down these stairs.

i though the big sad was over and then i realized it just mutated,
this time is different because i'm taking my meds
every day if i can remember.

twenty two was so good and made so much sense,
but looking bad i still looked pathetic and depressed,
although definitely
Better.

now it feels like a job.
i attempt to say
"okay,
it is a possibility that i could fall down these stairs.
but it is just as likely that i'll make it all the way down
without any additional damage"
and wouldn't that be a good time?

stuck,
feeling a little fucky.

like i need a good ****
                    a good talk
                     a good beating.

how do you ask of your lover?
please make me cry.

dumb,
dubious of myself again,
making promises of possible futures
but words are words are words are words anything?

how am i real without bruises?
where are the things that i desire?
i want to hurt so bad that i forget i am alive.
probably a little loopy on the damage,
on the lovin,
on the lackin.

"ugh"
the tone in our talking to them.
sort of inexplicable,
it feels completely unavoidable.

first person i ever wished was a friend
but realized would never be anything other
than something to rebel against.

moms i love yous
your pain always a reminder that i have to be strong enough
to keep myself alive,

maybe that's why the resentment towards you,
when in my lowests i wanted to give up on all
you forced me to continue existing.

i still feel like a child or a teenager around you.
i have to battle the instincts to be mean to you,
as if you deserved it.

i break my own heart when i break yours,
but i can't help it.

como avanzo.

veo como me muevo
pero recuerdame
no tengo que seguir
haciendolo mismo.

tengo hoy día pa comportarme
como quisiese haberlo hecho anoche.

tengo hoy pa ser
quien he querido ser,
tengo mañana pa continuarle,
pa ver el fruto del nuevo andar le.

que tapó la falta en si
con un alguien.
me dejó pa dentro porque ahora
pienso
que es quizás
en lo que he estao,
aunque hace rato no me ignoro,
yigual me quiero.
y también,
acaso no merezco este cariño,
después de todo?
y sé que tengo que trabajarme,
pero igual me das el espacio,
aunque nos comemos el tiempo
y me cuestiono el silencio.

cuando me preguntes
"what are you thinking about?"

me gustaría decirte, de una,
te quiero, me gusta mucho tu sonrisa,
pero ya no la veo tanto.
i feel like you were closer in the beginning
warmer,
and




/
maybe i'll keep writing this when i see you again because these days apart are the most we've spent separate from each other since we met
and breathing is necessary,
not that i can't breathe with you more than often times i feel like i breathe so much better
even when it's so hot hiding in your shadows,
but a change of air is always good for the brain,
a new way to look at things,
separation from the infatuation of you.

i do miss you though.
/





but,
i would say, if i could be completely honest,
that i wouldn't mind falling in love with you,
that i feel like you're good for me
and even though i have hidden
i could be good for you too,
because i would love you with all of my heart if i could
do so just by deciding.
not that there's no love,
because getting there is too simple for me,
i could love you just for existing,
or a little bit more,
for your sweetness and your smile and your o so warm embrace.

i would answer all those sweet things you said so early on,
but i've been watching out for attaching myself because
my heart is very fragile
and i've been afraid to let you hold it,
because boys have been boys
and i feel you further away than before,
even though when we slept together that last night
we held onto each other all night,
through sweat and arms asleep.

i want you to touch me
without assistance,
i haven't felt your craving truly since we were so thirsty.
then it's been full sometimes
others lacking love or lust,
you still won't let me lose myself in you.

insufficiently you'd test the waters,
i'd take my time because you wouldn't heat me up
at the right temperature,
but i'd let you burn me if you could manage
to deliver the bruises i need to be on fire.
instead you keep me lukewarm,
either not entirely convinced about this,
or, what?

are we just dreaming about the idea of love together?
i know i've been trying to convince myself that we'll get there,
giving it time to develop,
but if you're rushing to get there
not enjoying this view
then what's the point of the journey anyways?

i want you to look into me
and let me see.

después de disociarme en tu frente
distorsionarlo todo lentamente,
no creo que sea diferente,
juntamos nuestros cuerpos en la maña
pero me pasé la noche entera
queriéndote más cerca.
y luego de que te fueras
yo quedé como siempre
sintiendo tu cariño ausente
yesque quiero que mi cuerpo para ti sea
un desafío.
pero que me revientes.
que me olvide del trastorno
del no estar realmente,
que nos llevemos juntos
al presente,
pero no quiero acarrearte.

y si me desvistes lentamente
si me aclaras la mente
aún así vuelvo a rechinarme los dientes
a sentirme perdida en todo esto que va bien.

is it?
cloying?
the way in which
we give to each
other?
i've been feeling unsure.

infusing everything on the path,
i've been the rot
you've been the honey.
but when i look for clarity
in silence,
you divulge your interest
(barely louder)
-with a question.

and when you decay towards me
when you use me for your pleasure
and i see the devil in you,
you make me
solely a body.

i mean, what is a future for us?
living alongside,
maybe we'll develop an ******;
but you'll have to want longer,
i to disengage from disavowment.

proximity to omnipresence
only if i stop burying myself,
i want to look into your eyes
and find reciprocity.

con el sabor de tu lengua,
demasiado apuro en llegar.
con el cariño de tu aliento,
la duda en ojos que rondan.

(perdón por un silencio por respuesta,
a veces preguntas mucho.)

ahora hubo una incomodidad,
quizás causa de la falta e algo o todo
en mis día días.
quizás me lo refriega en la cara
la manta mal viajera
porque

en proceso de aprender
que la comodidad me ha estado jugando en contra,
cuesta acostumbrarse a una comodidad
que sea cariños y no tormento.

en proceso de cagarla,
ya nos prometimos confianza,
y vuelvo que hasta antes de esto,
ya te traicionaba.

q ocio
se coció,
como queeee
que po? cabe?
como que desnivela una vez que,
como que cada vez se necesita más exceso.
que ya no basta?
como saber qué,
pasalgo?
o será que se desenrolla-la?

it's been a while
trying to get myself out of bed
it' simply so comfortable here
thinking about your arms.
craving tomorrow
and missing it already
at the same time.

hey
why do you feel the need to try
digging into my brain?
i'm not so sure you'd like to hear what i would say.
but,
if you really do wanna know,

es que leo sus weas y me da un nosequé
como que hay mucha mierda,
no es que esto no sean sobras,
pero pa hablar de algo tan obviamente
mejor callate.

(y es de puro odiosa)

me ponias esa cara de pregunta,
yo todavia no se que decir cuando
me preguntan entrelazados
¿que quieres?
pa mi bastan besos eternos
tus manos toqueteando
me
ponen loca.
un calor poder estar y nada mas,
que pena
pensar
que tal vez me ves
como me veo
y te das cuenta,
que pena que te engaño
solo un poco
cuando digo que revuelvo.

leave me dripping,
****,
what a dumb thing to say.
not because it wouldn't drive us both crazy for each other
but, you know,
you want to be responsible.

honestly, i was probably
the full mess that i am,
with you,
i even forgot to pretend not being so.

the eternal desire for hibernation
would've been a sparkling fire
in which we would've starved
only from reality,
bound in that moment.
if it weren't for something.

a different taste from the same
that this is made of.
different because this time
i haven't denied it's been my decision,
and so it can only hurt more
because i could want this. (?)

you think you get to tell me how content you are
you judge how i'm not up to your standards
you let me know that i'm wasting your time
i'm ungrateful to you
weona de mierda.
and the thing is,
you wanted to say it,
you got mad and then you got the
sweet release of communication
and i listened to you.

maybe i'll only hurt myself by not telling you
the ******* you're putting me through
maybe it only hurts me as i rip the skin from my cheeks
as i avoid locking eyes with
twist and twitch at the sound of
panic at the mere thought of going.
but maybe i'll drive you crazy in return
if i let you know gesture by gesture
that i hold no love for you.

and maybe killing myself is only a dream where i hurt you
because i still want you to know this pain
the one i had to swallow
while your demons sculpted into me
a void which would eat me up
leave me with nothing but dissociation for years to come
no one to hold on to but a broken family
siblings barely staying afloat
in selfishness
in supporting a mother
that would no longer be a lover.
your weight amongst theirs,
it came with the most shame.

i'm childish
i know that,
but there's something about you
that makes me want to hate you
and it drives me to falling asleep thinking
that i could just
fill my pockets with rocks and jump
the golden.

i've been dreaming of seeing you
through a blank stare
blood mixing in with your tears.
i can't help but
wanting to hurt you back
so you'd be forced into understanding
everything that hasn’t been making sense to you.

in your eyes i was a circus beast that needed to be broken,
you cracked your whip and expected obedience.
i didn’t budge
so you stomped on my back
on the gravely confusing love i felt for you
on the expectations of a family that would've supported you
had you just asked.

you couldn’t imagine the lengths to which
i hurt myself
to match the scars you left,
what continues to be worse than your actions
is the ripple that forced me
to keep carving that pain into my own skin.
i manipulated those who would double the damage
i offered to them on a platter
bricks to hold me down
as the sliver that was left of the real me quietly rejected
what i was willingly agreeing to.

i guess,
i'm walking backwards on a journey of forgiveness,
because i said out loud that i forgave you.
i didn't expect things to ever be different
i gave up on the idea that you could ever change
after the hundredth time you begged for a second chance,
all teary eyed
*******.
but i forgave you.

and then you tell me
you're happy,
and i'm ungrateful.

si, es tru,
pero también es tu actitud.
ni pa la paja tu memoria está linda,
te cambié la cara pa quedarme con tu pinta.
ya se que fui idealista
no hubo ni tiempo de conquista
te di pistas
que me estabai pronunciando como las weas
pero la puta idea
imposible equivocación
mejor quedemos en un borrón,
como manchaste cuando te pedí
como lloraste, no por mí
sino porque fue el fin
de la ilusión que te vendí.
y ahora me salí
de eso que conocí
a como enfrí
a
miento,
si te digo que no te pienso.
si pretendo que el viento
no me llevó pa dentro.
pero al fin
me moví.
y a tí te siento como un derrame,
no todo es terrible como me presentaste,
pero al creer en eso me encontraste.
no te presto mi culpa porque es mía
pero por algo estuvimos en sintonía.
te las diste de mejor que mi mundo,
sin haberle dado siquiera una vuelta entera,
creo que en pretención te comprendí
en paciencia te perdí
y en amor,
te mentí.
asi que bueno,
ha lllegado hasta aquí,
lo que he sentido por tí,
but enough,
no hay pa que sufrir.

shoot i guess your hi
is better than what he gave
in desolation and need
he shows but what he wants to
no crazy show
just a shallow dive into his body.
i didn't know i would always feel this way about them
manipulative and unsure,
definitely not on the road to happily ever after for anybody.

yorkin the news
i am slave again,
i felt it as they started tightening their grip around me.
crazy how the pressure arises
when either all
or absolutely nothing.
sad is waaaaay past sad now
sad is all.
the want never left
i never taught it how to walk away,
it grew,
climbed my weak and bruised
surrounded me with envy
and complaints.
the bits i bit and swallowed,
implanted where my acids melt;
they grew,
a seed i thought i spat out but turns out
i just watered
.
i am but a trespasser or this place
that doesn't need me in its needing me
,
if i could've just observed instead
it wouldn't hurt at all.
if i hadn't been restrained
there would've been no need to struggle
but
if the tub had been an ocean i would've drowned.

es ques
a ver,
que paja la falta,.
how crazy teh shiver
when it's remembering,
but
(like when it's morning and i'm not playing the role anymore)
when it's real
i still need to close my eyes and focus,
not just let go
()
que paja that i still remember
how i ****** it up in the past
and that i can't just act on my crazy
.
how intense the anticipation
and
i just wish you'd understand that i need more of it
and couldn't we enjoy the silence for a bit longer?
.
attached to your arm
i was told i was definitely not dreaming and there was no waking up from this, i was just really high.
and why the **** would they all be so happy?
i looked down on them,
i couldn't be with them,
knowing
i'd have to leave your bed.

sabiendo que falta intensidad
y que no te he aguantao,
que te intentaría.
y ahora se me perdió el poco
loco a loco,
god ******* ******,
cuéntame que no solo se te salió
ese decir que dejó queriendo otro.
que fue con el mismo propósito
que ese que espero.
come on,
let's move on.

un pelo,
una pregunta,
pa que te sigues mintiendo
si sabiendo
that you're settling
again.
and that's why your body is telling you
to stop heading in that direction
(and you keep at it
cause it's better something
than nothing,
you're convinced,
as you tell your friends
that it's better to be alone)

vendría siendo que me enteré
hace ratito que intentabas
enterrarme bajo tu suelo,
bajo la locura de tus manipulaciones
no sé si sabes entiendo.
y el por qué no quería venir
está clarito, no?
te enojas
and all of a sudden
i'm back to tiptoeing
around crying,
me acuerdo tan vividamente
de lo que es el querer morir,
el querer abrirme las venas.
todo porque no quise contestarte,
pero no piensas que tal vez eso partió por algo
que tú hiciste mal,
ni que fuera una posibilidad pa ti el darte cuenta.
es como que,
sabias desde el principio de tus errores
a quienes estabas formando,
tallando con detalle a tus hijas,
odiate
estás gorda
y se te va a dar vuelta todo.

y qué será
esta necesidad
de saber
que te hago mirar.
cuando?
me di cuenta
que necesitábamos atención
y cariño.
por que no,
distribuirte un poquito
de te quieros
aunque sean de mentiras.
por que no
me bajo lentito la ropa interior
te muestro la tentación
que me come.
quiero bailarte
mostrarte la perversión
que se me sale
que no la encuentro cuando la quiero
pero pensandola me consume.
cuando el quiero es mas fuerte
cuando me viro porque no soporto,,,
me he dejao ir,
me deje dejar taaaaan lejos
que no soy ni un polvito del polvo de lo que quedó de las sobras de lo que posiblemente hubiese sido de podermela.
pero no, po,
no hice lo que tenía que hacer
pero al final de esta,
no me cuelgo.

que hacíamos antes de esto?
antes de levantar y
ver te
con tu bulla
y tu daño,
que ahora esquivas
como si no hubiese pasado?
que hacía
antes de no saber que hacer
conmigo misma
antes de los escondites
de todo lo que es
******* insoportable
como esa voz idiota en las mañanas
parecido todo a las situaciones en las que me metí.
parecido todo al resentimiento
que queda dentro
por todo
el tiempo que no me dieron
con la atención fija
en lo que no estaba haciendo;
aún me jode,
que por no saber me hundí
y tú por no se qué
me dejaste
y como siempre
nadie nunca vino al rescate,
siempre ambos expectantes
que me construya una balsa
que entienda entre los gritos
la coherencia de lo que no me enseñaste.
que por qué no me explicaste?
me quedé
sin respeto ni paciencia,
con culpas y pesos que no
deberían pesar me.
plasmada en un cuerpo,
la sombra de tus faltas
comiéndose a quien podría haber sido
si me hubieses enseñado
algo un poco menos dañino
que el cansancio,
obligada a recordar
que estoy aquí
que me estás asfixiando.

un paniquito?
mejor me bajo,
embotello
esta turbulencia
me veo las mil imágenes
hasta cansar los ojos.
quizás me quedo sola
con tal de sin fecto
suafecto
me lo fumo todo
hasta quemarnos sin porros
ya no queda compartir
colorear quizás
más pegada no puedo estar
pero ahora,
he manifestado un hoyo *****.
me recompensó
con más tiempo desechable.
si se nos acaba todo,
entre los dientes
me rechinara un saber que sabe a frustración

pa alejar
weas en las que no quería pensar
ni encontré la solución,
siempre consciente que es un problema
pensar en ahogarse cuando estás nadando.
y pensé en caerme desdeaaaaantes
de saltar,
como que el piso se me hace mas conocido que el
aire,
aunque ni lo había tocado.
me tirita esta persona
que se cree importante por pararse
e innecesaria se para encorvada
y con pena se achica
y con daño,
bien clarito
deja que le pisen y le
estrujen las lagrimas.
con humos
volviendo a los mismos mismos
incontrolables
asquerosos charcos
de pensamientos que se dan vueltas
revueltas
en pataletas humillantes
que gritan
estamos aquiiiiiiii
somos quienes importan
escuchannos.
y sabiendo po
que todo es mentira
sabiendo que
la fantasía morbosa
de comerse hasta el hueso
pincharse la piel desde dentro
romperse con ayuda
pretendida con deseo,
todo por ... .
.
no te hagai la loca ahora
con la
todavía tentación
en tirarte pa abajo.

me encontré con mi pensamiento
que me repitió tanto
that i should've kissed you longer,
but then again,
me mintieron tus brazos
tan enredados con mi cuerpo
haciéndome creer que no ibas a soltarme.
ahora escribo del otro
no con quien
creemos creando algo,
que ahora avivao
despaviló mi desinterés
en cualquiera que no fuese cariño.
pero a quién
le dije la verdad?
a cual de ninguno de todos
le pude verter verdades?
porque sino fue fango
neblina en el valle,
pa escaparme entre rocíos
de tener que ser alguien.

aburrete pos
que paja tar en la constante
chucha menos mal distante
sino me ahogaría.
intolerante de mierda
yesque no soporto el olor.
cabeza de pollo
no hay más claro
porque miro pal frente
yigual no veo el camino.
dijeron,
de qué sirve caminar sin rumbo
y quedó claro que no podríamos ser más distintos.
guardate el juego,
aprende a considerar pos weona,
que tu comodidad se convirtió hace raaaato en molestia
obligada a lidiar con todo lo que pasas a llevar,
y más encima lo que dices lo tienes que gritar.

sunpoema
la manera en que
levanta,
la melena pegada
cabeza desordenada
no querer despertar
del recorre memorias
.
aullas y me quiero matar
en las mañanas,
maña entera eterna pa
no empezar el día
pero de floja
y emocionaa
por no tener a nadie a quien responderle
z
z

z (y pal remate)

x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
tra
extra
por acá se
fumanñanas
levantan ventanas
escuchan el vapor de la ducha
metiendo entre medios
de grietas y fallas.
por acá duelen gárgaras
té pa los dolores
te plantan las penas
te quieren acá
aunque no te lo tomes.

hey void did you know i'm falling down your pit
so full of itties.
this day is longer than your ****,
this music stickier than that laying on your chest. louder
than your moan anything.
you ever get turned on by turning it all the way up?
cause i used to think louder was louder but now i
know it isn't if i look deep into your abyss and you don't drag me willingly into you. the correct way to use this power i hold,
would be

te inhalas
condimentos
pa una mente confundida
pan con mantequilla
pero sin pan
existencial
el ismo
.y correte pa ver como ves tú
las cosas,
muevete pa darle espacio de reacción
que sabes se asusta
pa abajo
aunque este al fondo
o aunque haya encontrado la manera
de agarrarse del balde
,
se va a volver a caer.
y dale espacio pa caerse,
pa que se asuste,
pero que sea distinto
que tenga unos hombros pa escalarse
sin tirarles pa abajo con su/

if i'm being honest,
i wore black underwear
in the hopes that i could show it to you.

and if i'm being honest
i'd love to be in love with you,

but you make me so nervous.

and now that we're,
you know,
being honest,
i'd like to-
i wish i had the guts to do so,
to hold you in motion.

and i'd like to love you,
i'd like to fall in love with you.
i'd love to love loving you,
and fall into you.

you know,
because i'm being honest,
i'd love to tell you that i'd love to love you
and that maybe i love you,

and that i wore black underwear in the hopes that i could show
you.

haven't been, much.
it's been more of an avoidance of,
part of the
never ending
search of the visceral.
a pause
within another,
as if time slowed down
as it passed you by.

ya chao culiaa
para la wea
que no había naa
dejate de ser la desesperaa
que mimos mañas mañanas
pasan,
deja las vueltas las volaas
las mentiras la wea que te da
de atrapaa
lo típico.
asi que ahora borraa
quiero estar drogaa
abrasada ja
en brazos brasas
no te quiero naa
pero igual me teni pegaa
ya basta ah
perra sumisa confundida
no sé que decir más
solo se que ya no da
pa repetir la forma en la que va
voy vengo y no me fuí
mas encima de te crei
tan gigante en tu entrega
pero eri un orgasmo barato
un mal rato
un rico recuerdo
de cabra chica la navida
se acabaron las que no soy
lo que vendí
me gaste así
de nuevo ni me corrí
(en lugar, de, en)
te creiste mas de lo que conocí
no me wevi
salte de ahí
ya no estai invitado
no me digai que me queri
sabemos que es así
pero en error me repetí
te herí
me pasé
pero pendejo
eri.

you can't see it but s is for ****
for being this way
for betraying myself
for wanting it all
for not saying what i've been meaning to say for ever
couldn't even whisper it against your skin.

ya me confundi contigo
me fundi conmigo
claramente no nos entendimo.
y ahora queri ser mi amigo?
no se loco yo no quiero mas lio
aunque me gusta tu piel de abrigo,
no nos relacionemos en el frio
que se me confunden los hilos
tampoco en el verano,
ya fue,
no me esperí,
no se pa que ta hablé

eres un respiro;
un claro en medio del bosque.
se pide perdón con la lengua
sin siquiera decirlo.
akí hay aktivismo a golpes,
una gotita de sangre calentándote la cara con su caída.
en los ríos la calma que da balance a la violencia
en la lluvia una oportunidad para empezar de nuevo.
se respiran flores amarillas y moras
dejándote un gustito dulce en la garganta;
con ganas de un día más acá.
las hojas bailan como bailé yo la noche de ayer
sin ningún esfuerzo
dejándose llevar por el ritmo de la brisa.
caminar por tus calles una confusión conocida,
perderme en tí es lo más lindo.
quiero una conversación eterna contigo,
ver como das vuelta todo lo que pensé que eras;
que escuches mis penas pisando tus caminos,
que me limpies el corazón con una botella de vino
y los actos amables que se esconden en tus esquinas,
detrás de las cortinas de tus casas de hojalata.

but i have eighteen,
one is that i've found more comfort in these clothes than in my own body because i can't stand my bones,
two is that my heart is so heavy with all the weight i've had to carry for all of us,
three is that my mouth is sewn shut when it comes to speaking my mind about you and her,
four is that all i hear from you are complaints,
five is that i only complain too,
six is that i feel so stuck here,
seven is that i have no money for cigarettes,
eight is my lack of motivation,
nine is my obsession with burning myself out until there's no wax left in this candle,
ten is this ******* loneliness,
eleven is a *** drive that makes me want to be abused,
twelve is this voice that belongs to me three years ago,
thirteen is the fact that i won't have skin left by the time i'm twenty nine because i keep carving ink into myself,
fourteen is my anxiety, i can't even stand up for myself,
fifteen is the lies i keep telling everyone when i say i know what i'm doing,
sixteen is when i pretend that my friends are real,
seventeen is that i don't think i'm going to graduate,
eighteen is that i really have more than eighteen problems and they all keep me awake at night and they keep from reading those books that have been unfinished on my shelf for months now.

you say i have a problem,
but i know that.
i don't need you to remind me,
not when i find a minute to forget about them.

if you asked me to
i'd burn myself alive
and not because i'm in love with you
i'm not -i think-
but i do love you,
without hidden motives.

there's no reason behind it
for you
i'd listen to silence for months
and i'd starve myself for years.

i've never questioned you
and i never will

but the only thing i ask of you
is to let me know,
not even the whys
just the i can'ts

i just wish you'd let me know
if you aren't coming over.

sometimes i forget that i exist
i wake up without knowing what time it is
but it's fine because i've forgotten that pain is a thing
that last night i could've cried
because i missed being able to say out loud how i felt for you
but also because i was having the millionth existential crisis of the week.

sometimes i just
i forget that i exist
it's like when you're sleeping but not really dreaming
but you're conscious of the nothingness that has become for just a second,
everything.

and for some reason
i've never talked to a person that understands what that nothing is,

but

sometimes,
i forget that they don't exist where i do
because if i don't exist then there's nothing and that means that
they don't exist

but me,
i forget that i exist.
how can i forget that i am alive?
it's like i can feel my body,
but i can feel the space between my fingers
no matter how tight i hold my hands together.

sometimes
i worry
because i forget that i am here
i forget that i am a living being
i forget that i am skin and bones
and memories
and connections with other people
and i am pain and sorrow and tears and light.

sometimes
i want to forget that i am here
i want to forget that i exist.
sometimes it's easier to imagine
not existing.

but sometimes,
when i forget that i exist-

i've never wanted to exist
but sometimes,

i realize i do.
i am here.
and if i am here
then so are you.

she likes me
he told me they feel things in her heart.

i haven't told them that i lied.
i told her i hadn't thought about it
i told him i didn't know i liked them
but i knew.

she understands
and he listens
and they are so ******* important.

she's someone i could fall in love with,
i could be comfortable with him.

if i had the guts
i would've told them the truth
i would tell him
i would hold her.

and still
a question in my head,
what will happen to
all of my things?

the books i've bought
for 80 cents or 20 dollars,
the ones i've read and the ones
i haven't

my collection of small
and not so small
creatures

the clothes i've worn
a thousand times
or once

my shoes
boots
high heels

my pillow and sheets
my phone charger and
my headphones

all of our pictures

not even the important things

i know i'd like to burn,
in a dream of blue and
orange
lighting the way,

but what will happen to all of them,
the things that possess me?
all the things bought and
received,
the things put together,
the things that belong on my floor.

you fall in love
so strongly
with booksellers
  and baristas
    and the girl next door
because as someone said
we are creatures of habit,
and the fact that you're able
to see them more than once
  to refresh their own face on your memory

unconsciously blows your ******* heart up.
you see all of these beautiful entities
walking and breathing
and dying and living,
and you fall in love with all of them.
but soon enough,
maybe after three nights of seeing
  them blurry in your eyes,
you forget their faces and what they were wearing.
you forget how they laughed
  or smelled
  or talked about whatever.
but not her.

you don't forget her
with the short
shoulder-length blonde hair,
with the glasses and big smile.
you don't forget
how she said you looked cute
and talked about vonnegut
  and charles bukowsky.
but she probably forgot you.

hello there chellovecks and forellas
appy polly logies for the chepooka
for i am only a devotchka
begging for a malenky lomtick of jeezny

droogies and nadsats
everyone who owns a pair of ookos
listen up to
your humble narrator

bring me a pletcho platch
and a polyclef
to open up the sun.

all i am is bad stories and
all you are is interruptions and compliments.

they were all talking and mostly laughing,
you were one of them.

but then you said i love you man
in that tone of yours
that lets me know you don't mean it.

you're not flirting with me
but i wish i were.

and i wish so many things that could never come true,
but maybe we'll be friends?

there'll be others just like you
only not like you but different
there'll be others that will dress better
there'll be others that won't pretend.
there'll be some that will listen to good music
and some that won't.
there'll be some that will understand the meaning of faithfulness
and hopefully none that won't care.
there'll be some that i won't be able to talk to about the meaning of anything,
those i won't stay with. i think.
there'll probably be some that i won't get to love,
only a few with which i'll share pain.

but really i don't want any of them.
i want only you with the crushing feeling,
and your terrible way to talk.