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Feb 2020 · 230
harmony
vera Feb 2020
sometimes i get so sad that i shut down. i forget how to move. i forget how to speak. people talk to me, but i cant hear them. sometimes i get so sad that i cant even cry. a feeling of numbness washes over me. other times, i feel lie if i get out of bed, ill surely die.

sometimes i get so happy that i go into overdrive. i forget what sadness feels like. i forget how to stop speaking and laughing. i feel as if my heart will explode and ill never be able to stop the surge of joy. sometimes i get so happy that i cry while i smile. a feeling of euphoria washes over me. other times i feel that if i dont share this feeling, ill surely die.

then there are periods of nothing. i guess what im looking for is balance. how do i find harmony?

i dont want to fall too hard
or jump too high

i just want to walk on water.
Feb 2020 · 789
5 Ways I Found Peace
vera Feb 2020
1) I drenched myself in meaningful moments. Cherished each smile I received and each hug I shared with someone dear to me.

2) I replaced my anger with laughter. Learned that the only person hurting from my anger is me.

3) I stopped being afraid to leave people behind. When someone treats me cruelly, I remove them from my reality.

4) I watch the sunset and take the time to reflect on myself. I have to face my demons to put my mind to rest.

5) I took 'regret' out of my vocabulary. No point in dwelling on a pain that I can't change.

Now I see peace, seated next to me.
Feb 2020 · 312
the world spins
vera Feb 2020
melancholy as I may be,
the world has not halted on its axis, as I may believe
the robin still sings, bringing in the new day
the sun still ascends in the east, filling the day with its warm glow
and descends in the west, leaving a haunting chill behind
the people still dance under street lights
and roar with laughter in the glimmer of the sun
the moon still fills the world with beams of white light,
bringing in the new night
now I realize that your world still spins
but mine has halted
- goodnight sun
vera Jan 2020
When I met the sun
Like my mother,
Her warmth lay upon my skin
Caressing my frozen fingers
And thawing my frigid heart
Then she passed me to the moon and said
“It’s your turn”

So I met the moon
I watched him grin, as my father does
And his moonbeams cooled down my torrid skin
He patted my torched fingers and covered them with verglas
Then he scowled and said
“I cannot reach your heart,”
So he shifted me to the earth

And I met the earth
The dirt immersed itself under my fingernails
The trees lifted my bleeding body with their gentle branches
And caressed me as the wind swayed my fragile limbs back and forth
The earth held me, tattered, and said
“My child, you are broken”
Then she dispatched me to my maker

Where my journey ends
I do not remember my maker
I met the sun, the moon, and the earth
Who all took their turns trying to mend the mangled body presented to them
The earth delivered me, fractured, to the maker
But I am so far gone, that even this celestial being could not restore my form

Their efforts, however good intention
Were futile
The sun, the moon, the earth, my maker
My end - the afterlife
And I must acquiesce
- i am with the trees now
Jan 2020 · 202
parallel agony
vera Jan 2020
I wonder if your agony parallels mine
If you lay awake in the midst of the darkness thinking of my smile
My hand holding yours as we strolled against the wind

I can still remember the waves and how they smelled
Salt in the air stinging my skin
Your soft voice filling my ears
“I love you”

I can still remember the blue in your eyes
How it twinkled against the moonlight
The sweetness in its intensity while you looked at me

Now here we are
All I can recall is your voice, sharp as you let me go
I listened to you tell me, “time for us to part,”
I let your words sink in, stinging worse than the sand
My heart plummeted into my chest

Break me in two
I let you **** me

And I went back to smiling
And I went back to laughing
See, the break was too large
The pain, too cruel

The only thing left for me to do is pretend that you never existed

To forget the moonlight
Under which you confessed your love
To forget your smile, the way it mixed with the salty air
To forget the intensity of your eyes
How their blue twinkled alongside the moonlight

I have to forget you
Because surely,
Your agony does not parallel mine
- im sorry
Oct 2019 · 235
four months
vera Oct 2019
For the last four months, the gears usually churning in my head have halted to an eerie stop. I can't recall anything passed and I can't think of anything new. Dust accumulated on gears big and small making them appear certainly abandoned. It was joined by cobwebs and the spiders who willed them into existence. If I concentrate hard enough I'm sure I will feel them crawling around looking for any sign of life or sustenance. Perhaps these poor creatures are out of luck. I think next, the rust will start to form, and then I will really be in trouble. It will corrode every last piece of metal and take no regard for the way it destroys me. Slowly, the gears will turn orange, and then brown, and then they will cease to exist at all. And that is when I will truly be a lost cause. I guess in a way I'm only getting what I’ve always wanted: for the gears to take a break, to stop churning so mercilessly all the time, to stop working countless possibilities over and over and over again. The most futile effort I’ve ever known. When the gears fall, I think I will be normal. Finally, in correspondence with the people I see around me, I will be just the same. Feigning happiness will not be required, because maybe I will just feel it.
May 2019 · 1.3k
dead princess
vera May 2019
princess, oh princess where has your tiara gone?
its proud display upon your head graces our eyes no more
no longer atop your hair,
and intertwined with the strands, so fair

princess, oh princess, where has your grace gone?
your soft embrace and hearty walk live amongst the shadows
not a single smile to melt the hearts of your people

princess, oh princess where has your happiness gone?
i see no glimmer in your eyes, no rose in your cheeks
has it abandoned you as well?

i wish you would wake, princess of mine
for, i fear that you are breathing no more

when i glance in the mirror, the reflection i see is not you
its a hollow-eyed beast, no doubt your rotting corpse

princess, oh princess why must you have passed?
i need you now more than ever,
for it seems i cannot complete this task
without my dearest princess, i am a goner,

i will not last.
- the princess has passed
Apr 2019 · 210
a wired truth
vera Apr 2019
my whole life has been lived inside a fish bowl
i wish i could love like her outside the ritual
but i’m a **** clown and everyone’s laughing at my red nose
she’s graceful and you catch her out the shallow
i keep punching in the same combination and expecting the lock to jimmy open
everything’s staying the same but the numbers keep changing
i cant help but wonder if the big green monster has consumed me
spite the word i say it’s jealousy
i swear you don’t mean it
loving me is just a courtesy
Mar 2019 · 247
goodbye
vera Mar 2019
oh baby, don’t miss me too bad
i’ll see you in the next life,
this one clearly isn’t for me
Mar 2019 · 267
my room next to yours
vera Mar 2019
On the drive back home i tried to make sense of your presence
You weren't here or there or anywhere
But i could still hear your lingering footsteps pacing past my door
The uneven rhythm of pounding against the floor

thud THUD THUD thud thUD

Were you trying to control your demons?
Or at least trying to keep them at bay?

I could hear your footsteps getting louder and louder AND LOUDER
UNTIL IT FELT AS IF MY HEAD WERE TO EXPLODE
But then you would constrict your muscles using every last ounce of power
To stop yourself from moving

You weren't here or there or anywhere
Except for my imagination
- living with a schizophrenic
Feb 2019 · 288
sweet on lakewater
vera Feb 2019
how do i describe the feeling of that january morning? the serenity of the cool air nipping at my skin, while the chilled lake water rocked the wooden dock beneath me. i took the peaceful walk from the house to the lake barefoot. the coolness emanating from the cobblestone seeped into the soles of my feet.
      i walked down the winding pathway and allowed my eyes to scan over the greenery that flanked me on both sides. tulips and lavender flowers blooming in the cold air. mulch filled the area around grass and flowers, keeping them protected and safe. bees kissed flowers and mingled as i strolled passed. how beautiful and tranquil a scene i was honored to witness.
      i dragged ironically eager feet over wobbly brown planks on route to the dock ahead. i felt water sway aggressively beneath my feet as a boat raced past the dock. a glimpse of a small hand waving graced my vision with the passing of the boat. my balance fumbled, but my mentality stayed steady. when i finally lowered myself onto the wooden box on the edge of the dock, the warmth of my coffee finally began to soak into my palms.
      my eyes continued to glaze over the scene before me, and for the next few moments, i felt the serenity of the universe consume my entire begin. after sixteen years, a moment of fulfillment. finally at home.
      the sun sent droplets of his sunlight down to caress the lake and offer her the gentlest of kisses. the droplets glistened off of the lake´s ripples and flirted with the water. they danced and bounced upon the lake until she shone so brightly it was hard to look directly at her. as the two became familiar, i felt the sun retreat. his light slowly faded away and his kisses disappeared all together.
      as the hours passed and he was seated back upon his throne, the lake was left empty, deserted. her sadness did not go unnoticed, the wind understood her pain, so she picked up and pulled us both out of our trance.
      the lake was offered the kinder kiss of the moon, and she accepted. the fainter light and the lighter kisses became what kept her whole. there was a air of mystery surrounding him and the lake soaked it up. he became her new lifesource, she found something that kept her going.
      me, i received my sustinance from writing this poem.
- based on a true story
Jan 2019 · 2.2k
parasitic mind
vera Jan 2019
when shall i learn that a line must be drawn
for the sake of my sanity
how can i accept my own demise due to my service of others?
i must wash my hands clean of the guilt i possess
for i harm no one as greatly as myself

i swim in oceans of my misery and drown in pools of my sorrow
terror fills my lungs and breaks away at the tissue in them

¨careful!¨ i scream
i cannot allow myself to fall victim to my own mind
the racing and pumping of my thoughts breaking down the barriers i have built
there is nothing left to protect my self-esteem
no armed guards to stop the negativity in its tracks
no brick wall to block the sadness from reaching me

dangerous. is the only world i can use to describe my thoughts
a battlefield of mines bursting with anger
sticks of dynamite, disguised as flowers to lure and destroy
the question is, who are they meant to hurt?

are they meant to agitate me further to turn my back on myself?
refusing the possibility that happiness can be found?
or are they meant to bring pain to others?
to keep me in control of the opinions and decisions of my peers?
does she aim to help or control?

perhaps, my mind is losing track of what i was thinking
allowing me room to doubt myself
is my mind trying to convince me that i am the parasite in the lives of others,
feeding off of their souls
i believe she is right
to tell me that i do things in order to gain
she tells me, that i do not wish to help, only to hurt

i understand now that i am up against myself
left up to my own devices
no one is under obligation to assist me in battling my demons
i will struggle and fight, until my last breath
to let my own mind defeat me, is to allow defeat inside of my own fortress

i will never be unarmed again
- a parasite of my own
Jan 2019 · 333
reaching up
vera Jan 2019
the rose, scented and floating across from me
its thorns were prominent and sharp
a means of protection for the delicate creature
red pigment screamed to the sun
wishing to meet the sun´s eyes
the petals stretched and reached with the leaves

he stayed perched up in the skin
blinding those who got too near to him
the sun never took notice of the bleak rose
he was busy shining for the world around,
drying children off as they played in the cold ocean waves
deepening the nutmeg color in the skin of those who let him

so the rose whined, and reached endlessly for what she could never grasp
and the sun continued to do his job, never realizing the fulfillment he would've had,
if only he took a chance
- the story of my lover and i
Jan 2019 · 209
when ?
vera Jan 2019
when he looks into your soul and professes his love, let him speak.
when he strokes your hair and calls you beautiful, let him speak.
when he looks at you with warms eyes and asks if you need anything, let him speak.

when the chorus of screams rains down on you, let it pour.
when your shoes wont slip on and the rain is destroying your psyche, let it tear away the pain he caused.
when the tears burn through your pores, let them cleanse your heart.

when youre pacing around the chilled night, let the cold sink into your bones. when his name flashes through your phone screen, let it ring until it dies. when the voices of your friends pick up and send you into a state of panic, let yourself remember their true love for you.

when the warmth of the mazda warms the tips of your fingers, let the hurt set in.
when your tears turn into uncontrollable sobs, let your peace be in the arms of your friends.
when you feel like the world is spinning off of its axis, let yourself breath.

when you feel the safety of anothers home, let your heart sink into the pillows.
when your body gives into the feeling of floating amongst clouds, let your mind escape the inevitable destruction.
when your friends begin patching wounds with stitches, let them help you.

when the anger becomes too much to bare, let yourself write this poem.
when your universe plummets to its knees before you, let yourself feel.
when you remember all the ones before, let yourself learn.

when you remember what he did, let yourself remember that you are worthy, you are incredible, you are beautiful and you will be loved.
- a summary of the day i lost myself
Dec 2018 · 224
leaving reality
vera Dec 2018
clinging onto reality
dont want to be lost
if i am, ill never find my way back
never want to lose myself again,
already so lost
cant find anything to help me

maybe reality isnt the best idea
ill try and leave it behind, after all
if i am alone ill think of you and get tangled in my thoughts
lost from reality
- not so bad after all
Dec 2018 · 298
i know the truth about you
vera Dec 2018
i am so unbelievably angry with you
youve got everyone convinced that you are the most beautiful and kind soul the universe has ever spawned
but i know the truth
i know the truth about you
i know that you used to hit me out of anger you refused to control
i remember you sprawled out on the floor screaming of death
i remember when you prepared yourself for the end
and said it was all for me
you said it was all for me
then why am i so angry with you?
- inevitable, it seems
Dec 2018 · 254
death and his hands
vera Dec 2018
i smiled in the face of death. who does he think he is to scare me? i knew his intentions and instead, i reached out and intertwined my fingers with his. the black dust and coal rubbed off on my skin and i felt the friction gaining energy. he looked into my already stone eyes and tried again to get me to fear him. ¨oh death,¨ i chuckled. ¨you cant ever scare me, because im not running from you anymore.¨
Oct 2018 · 297
the next elevation
vera Oct 2018
i am just thinking about the fact that you really don't fall in love with people
you're in love with chasing the next elevation
worried about feeling warm skin against yours
the calmness of another heartbeat to focus on
instead of numbing your pain with healing
you've chosen a battle you're only going to lose
- thank you for teaching me that trust is earned
Oct 2018 · 203
wondering
vera Oct 2018
i wonder why i can never swallow my pride
is it because i know that you'll take advantage of my vulnerability?
or is it because my pride is the only constant in my life?
the only thing that keeps me grounded

i wonder why you can never swallow yours either
is it because you simply don't care
or do you care so much that you're terrified?

i wonder why i always find the people who are emotionally unavailable the most attractive
its said that opposites attract
so which one of us is lying to the other?
- tell me how it feels
Oct 2018 · 353
dazed
vera Oct 2018
sometimes when i get sad
i sit on my bed and stare at the wall
i count every impression and dip i see in front of me
until i lose myself in how monotonous the task is
i stop thinking and analyzing and evaluating

then, when the sun has set
and my room is drenched in the dark blanket of the night
my mind returns from its absence
from whatever vacation it took
and everything sets back into normal motion

but somehow, im always missing a small piece of myself
on the trip back every time
i lose myself a little more
- at least the sadness is numb
Jul 2018 · 801
distraction
vera Jul 2018
i am not sure you know how much you mean to me
when i am busy saving everyone that remembers me
i become too distracted to save myself
drowning in a pool of my own sorrow
instead of doubt, or caution
you plunged in after me
to make certain
that my head would rise above the water

when i was too busy to save myself
you did it for me
thank you
for awakening the dormant light awaiting in my soul
Jul 2018 · 530
6:20 p.m.
vera Jul 2018
i dream of you when the sun falls to her knees
i watch as she sinks,
to raise your eyes into view
how lovely
how brown
filling the open sky with fond stars
that watch as your brown glimmers in their place

i dream of you when the clouds join forces
i watch as thunder roars and lightning blares
your smile into focus
how lovely
how bright
filling my mind with wonderous thoughts
and my heart with shock waves of joy

i dream of you when i close my eyes
to reveal your hand searching for mine
how lovely
how kind
filling the air wth hot bursts of laughter
that find their place in my affection
and settle in

i dream of you
all of the time
how lovely you are
how blessed am i
- thank you
Apr 2018 · 389
learning from his mistakes
vera Apr 2018
taking time to learn from your mistakes
the mistakes ive made in my past
i spent two and a half hours facing my bedroom mirror
im not faceless
yet i feel as faceless as a jane doe
fighting to discover the lost identity
that can only be found be found in the depth of her undiscovered haze

lost i wander from ocean to ocean
looking for the fateful creator
one who learned of the existence of a failure and decided never to look back
leaving a melancholy trail to follow him
drips of sadness mark where he has been and where he wishes to go

can the darkness that looms about him ever dissipate?
it is the duty of those around him to question why his simple sadness never fades
they question, but the root of his depression will never be made public information
no soul would ever learn of his betrayal
and i, would continue to wander aimlessly from ocean to ocean

when will my body give away to the .cruelty of nature surrounding?
harsh winds and streams of cold blue vend me
until i am one and the same
i will never rest
a lost sense of self has doomed me
there is no way to survive if i am not sure of who i am
because then who am i living for?

is it the strange girl who burrows daggers into my eyes when i look into thee mirror?
or am i simply living for the sake of those around me?
how about those who have abandoned me?
i am living without quite understanding why

so what is the next step?
- meaningless
Mar 2018 · 479
i called
vera Mar 2018
i called from my bed
seated at the edge between the darkness of blue
and the shades of yellow too
shining down on me so deliberately
vying for the attention of the absent girl

i called for my lover
rooted in the letters that spell his name
i felt the fragile ache in my heart
he was gone and i was alone
it was not a particularly new feeling
just one that i could never rid myself of

i called on the phone
waiting for a ‘hello?’
getting only in return
the swift motion of a dial tone
BEEP BEEP BEEP
never had i felt so disconnected from someone
in a world filled with so much technology

i called from my throat
waiting for the words to escape into the thin air and
find him with their power
twisting and winding all around him
to let me know that his heart was as vulnerable as mine
but i only received the cowardice of my own muteness
not a single sound willing to escape
not a single tear willing to fall

i called lastly from my heart
loud and projected around
the great unknown and vast undiscovered
the call swam through oceans
and climbed through forests
glided on ice
until, it fell to its knees

the reason i could not find him
was because his heart belonged to someone new
no way of contacting someone
when they were only .once. true
- the five steps of grief
Mar 2018 · 385
how to live
vera Mar 2018
she kept asking me why im always writing
and why i love road trips so much
why i cant stay in one place for more than a year without feeling the sting of boredom crawling its way into my skin
so i told her

its just that
             there is no other way for me to live my life
not when i know that
             the whole world is staring me back in the face
patiently waiting
             getting ready for me to absorb all that its trying to gift
all of these people
            that we coexist with, yet have never met
they are out
           LIVING THEIR OWN LIVES
           EXPERIENCING THEIR OWN EMOTIONS
           LOVING THEIR OWN PEOPLE
and we have no idea of each other's existence

the only way i know how to live my life is to tackle it head on

i used to sit on my bed
   in my room
       and stare at my computer screen
            any tv show i could find
                i would watch for d.a.y.s. on end

but one day i woke up
and i realized that that wasnt really living my life
i was taking a break
escaping into another reality that was simpler than my own
one where i didnt exist, but i wasnt quite dead either

but i knew that wasnt my idea of living

my idea of living was experiencing the wholeness around you
all of the agony and torture
all of the jealousy and mistrust
all of the infatuation and true love
all of the ease and satisfaction

it was all just one long adventure and the only way for me to enjoy it
was to let it engulf me
and glide along for the ride
- a quick jot of my train of thought for the past few days
Mar 2018 · 258
writer's block
vera Mar 2018
good news, i have cured my own writer's block.
an interesting thought roamed my mind on march 20th, 2018
"i have not felt any emotions in quite some time."

precious time that i have missed out on the feeling of a smile settling itself onto my face

the conclusion that i came to: when i cant feel, i cant write.
i had cracked the mystery of why my pen and my mind could not seem to cooperate
causing a disruption in my routine to write something substantial in weeks

so, i opened the flood gates and let my emotions rush out to drown the city in my mind
broken down into two million, one hundred thousand, and sixty-eight pieces i tried to analyze myself

kind of like a detective looking for a lead on a case taking years to unfold

thankfully i found an answer
i found myself a pool of green in a room of white
negative emotions seeping toxicity into the air that bubbles above it
a poison ready to coat you and deteriorate every cell in your body one at a time

i took a leap in the pool of course and found that i was coming up empty handed

so i sat down on my bed amongst my smooth polar bear covered sheets
and i pulled my notebook and pen off of the nightstand

then i took a deep breath
and wrote this poem to cure my writer's block
- a vile of feeling a day, keeps the writer's block away
Mar 2018 · 230
blue
vera Mar 2018
if the moon is blue,
then what am i and who are you?
- dreaming of the sun
vera Mar 2018
something about me is fallen
my walk is not the same
the lengthy strides I took in confidence
are now short steps that I fumble
the hours I spent sculpting my figure through exercise
are now spent in my bed asleep re living the nightmare
and you
you are especially different
the affection you poured onto me
and the time you devoted
are now excruciatingly difficult to live without
you fooled me into thinking we were something more
than a new story to boast through to your friends
- dont tell your grandchildren about us
Feb 2018 · 345
happy.
vera Feb 2018
if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself faced with many
strange arrangements and patterns

there are thoughts dressed in silk
and ideas coated in gold

there are words dipped in honey
and emotions sprinkled with turmoil

there are nerves covered in sadness
and smiles sheltering angry scowls

if you accidentally wander into my mind
you’ll find yourself asking this question

am i happy?
- its all a daze of confusion
Feb 2018 · 215
cold is the cure
vera Feb 2018
cold wet hair
is the remedy for migraines
that beat hammers
behind your eyes
and give you a private concert
of the sounds of blood rushing
in your brain

cold wet hair
is the remedy for nightmares
freezing all of the sadness over
in your mind
just for a few moments

cold wet hair
is the remedy for anger
freezing droplets hit your
boiling skin
and put your back
in a state of homeostasis

cold wet hair
is the remedy for sadness
a minuscule distraction
drawing your focus
to the heat escaping
your body
to make you colder
than you already were
- looking for rememdies
Feb 2018 · 563
story of a madwoman
vera Feb 2018
i am a madwoman
so mad that i lay awake at night
and wonder whether youre mind
is racing as fast as mine
looking to win first place
and land in the depths of my happiness

i am a madwoman
so mad that i wander through the day
aimlessly strolling
from store to store
looking for the perfect distraction
while secretly hoping that i am yours

i am a madwoman
so mad that i pick up my phone
every now and then and call you
just to check if youre still there
because my mind can’t seem to forget you yet

i am a madwoman
so mad that i plunge myself into every minuscule task
working for a bone, like a dog
to avoid the gruesome possibilities
that i know are most likely true

i am a madwoman
because a madwoman can convince herself
of the impossible

and i have managed to convince myself
that you love me
- insane journals
Feb 2018 · 327
my unanswered question
vera Feb 2018
i would like to say that i love you
but i am still not quite sure what love is
is it the way your stomach fills with air
and your tongue swells up to take the entire capacity of your mouth
and your legs go limp?

or is it when your heart aches so much that it
bursts out of its place and lands on your finger tips
then it stops beating and you lie in the sheets
waiting for something to happen?

or is it when every word that seeps
out of their mouth is like
sweet honey
that you crave so badly
and when they speak it overwhelms
all of your senses at once?

is it all of these things?
or could it be none of them at all?
i would really like an answer
i would really like to know
because i still dont quite understand it

and no one seems to understand it either
Feb 2018 · 239
chilly
vera Feb 2018
there is no color in your cheeks
as you lay flat on your back
finger raised to the air
a smile grazing your face
last breath escapes
but your smile never fades
i think i love it
the way you hate the world
and all the things in it
but you embrace the rain
like a mother embracing her child
- ive confused myself
Feb 2018 · 290
death
vera Feb 2018
im not scared of death, at all. i dont broadcast that statement as much i used to because it always seems to put people off. like not being terrified of the inevitable makes me some kind of rare specimen.

im not scared of death, at all. i guess that makes people scared of me because i dont feel the same as them. i must be some kind of freak after all.
Feb 2018 · 1.0k
live
vera Feb 2018
i get it
i really do
when you tell me that it feels like
your mind is playing tricks on your heart
fumbling around with the fragile little strings
ruining the perfect harmony of the puppet show inside your mind
tangling the strings
talking away their ability to act our their designated parts
but the show must go on

i get it
i really do
when you say that your lungs are distracted
they cant focus on their jobs and just let you breathe
they stop pumping air at random times
like you used to forget to turn off the stove sometimes
when you were cooking him dinner late at night
and the smoke would full up the whole kitchen and the fire alarm would blare
but you would just swat the broom at the fire alarm on your ceiling until it shut down
youve got to stop neglecting dinner

i get it
i really do
when you say that youre fed up with it all
and you hate the world almost as much as you hate yourself
theres no point in living when youve given up
theres no way to heal when youve
reached the point of no return

i get it
i really do
because im there right now too
and i havent found the answer yet
i know that neither have you
so let me hold your hand while you hold mine
and we can sit in piles of snow while we let the feelings fall out

we can do it every day
until we decide to get up and build a snowman
or make angels with our bodies

for right now we can sit
and remember that we have each other
you can live for me and i can live for you

just until we crack the puzzle of living for ourselves
Feb 2018 · 236
forgive
vera Feb 2018
i dont think that i will ever forgive you for what you did to me. or maybe i will never forgive myself for letting it happen. forgiveness is scarce here.
- sincerely, my brain
Jan 2018 · 284
mhm
vera Jan 2018
mhm
“i love you.”

sorry, wrong number.
- thanks for trying
Jan 2018 · 163
good
vera Jan 2018
i have good and bad days. its just that the bad days outnumber the good ones. and sometimes the bad days get really bad and i lose myself in my thoughts. sometimes the bad days get so bad that i can feel my heart aching and trying to burst out of my body. sometimes the bad days get so bad that i forget to treat myself like person and instead, beat myself with sledgehammers and hockey sticks. but sometimes the good days are so good that i skip around dancing and singing all day. i smile and laugh and forget the bad things and become this becon of light. i just shine and shine and infect everyone around me with all the pure happiness i project. sometimes the good days are just the day where i dont break down. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days. im hopeful that the good days will outnumber the bad ones, eventually.
- depression
Jan 2018 · 266
inspire me
vera Jan 2018
i look for inspiration
in the trees that shed a layer of skin
when the autumn light shines itself
upon them

i look for inspiration
in the sun's wave 'goodbye'
as an eventful day comes to
an end
and the moon's wave 'hello'
as an eventful night
begins

i look for inspiration
in my father's actions
towards the friends who stole his life
and the white men who arrested him
for speaking to his daughter in his native language
inside of a toy store

i look for inspiration
in my mother's heart
as she willingly places it
in the hands of every person who
is fortunate enough to meet her
whether they deserve it or not

i look for inspiration
in all of the beauty that surrounds me
at every direction

this is why i dont look for inspiration
in myself
i am the foul darkness that infects the golden light
everywhere it goes

so please, do not be surprised
that i can write about everything
except myself
and please, do your best
to understand my condition

that's all i can ask
- love, your dearest friend
Jan 2018 · 369
heartless
vera Jan 2018
this poem is called: heartless
because it is filled with little heart felt phrases that people share with each other
while they make loving eyes at and pretend
to be in love

"your voice is music to my ears."
"looking at you makes my heart skip a beat."
"im unbelievably in love with you."
"you know me so well."
"lets spend the rest of our lives together."
"i feel so safe when im with you."

its all just fantasically cruel lies
- phrases that will never escape my lips
Jan 2018 · 180
wordlessness
vera Jan 2018
i cant think of how to word anything anymore.
- i guess im just angry
Jan 2018 · 218
oh my god !
vera Jan 2018
i have this image of God in my head
he's a  faceless man
with gold linen
draped over his body
light emanates from the gap where his head should be

i have this image of God in my head
he looks and sounds like a teacher
not the teacher who forgives your mistakes and helps you learn
but the one who kicks you out of their classroom
and calls you stupid
when you ask a question

i have this image of God in my head
he's pushing through a crowd of strangers who all have the same face
but i'm falling down a bottomless drain
and he's coming to save me
but he doesn't make it in time

i have this image of God in my head
and he's there, but he's not

i have this image of God in my head
or maybe i don't
and i have these secular images in my head
and i really see no God
Jan 2018 · 347
Untitled
vera Jan 2018
i would just like to say that you make me angry. when i think of your unoriginality and your entitled tone of speech, my blood boils. sometimes i think of how much happier i would be if i could leave your bland face behind and just start over. your face makes me want to pack up all my things and run to the edge of the planet.


possibly fall off !
Jan 2018 · 777
derealization
vera Jan 2018
i remember it like it was yesterday, which i have to say is strange, because i have trouble remembering everything else. i remember you were sitting in front of me and i was terrified, palms sweating, eyes watering. i was truly scared if you, or rather of myself. a little part of me hated you too. you looked so, self-righteous sitting in your rolling chair, with you perfect posture and your clicky pen. when you started to ask me question i ignored you. id been shacked up in my head for so long i forgot how to talk to people. anyways, my head was comfortable, familiar. i had a bed full of memories and a closet full of monsters. i had drawers full of hopes (i never opened them of course), but they were there, it was nice to know they were there.

my favourite possession in my mind however, was a little glass jar on my nightstand. it looks empty at first glance, but the harder you look the more you see. there are colours, like rays of light, they swirl around and hit each other, a vibrant crimson color. theres a green in there to, if you saw it you'd swear mother nature put it there herself. theres also a blue, its the largest of all the swirls. it looks royal and dark, beautiful.

theres also a yellow. but its different, not in its beauty or vibrance, but in its location . it isn't in the jar. the yellow swirls around the edge of the glass. occasionally bumping into it  almost as if it wants in, but theres no way for it.

i remember holding back, never telling you that because i thought you'd think i was crazy. so i didn't say a thing. but man do i remember that jar. that room. i remember the colours, their saturation, how they moved. i remember the monsters beating on the closet door looking for a way out. i remember the bed of sweet memories. but im sorry, i don't remember more important thing, like how to feel. i truly am.
- a talk with my therapist
Jan 2018 · 432
deep inside
vera Jan 2018
i am feeling particularly emotionless today
void of any thoughts
other than those focused on my heart beat

i can still here it in my head
only when i am alone in that house
when it is dark outside
and the night is manipulative

every shadow is yours
but none of them are yours

every sound is your voice
but none of them are yours

i am feeling particularly emotionless today
void of any thoughts
other than those focused on your hands
- im sorry, emotions arent my "thing"
Jan 2018 · 165
chew on this
vera Jan 2018
i wish that i still dreamt
because then i could escape the reality
that i dread so much

dream (/drēm/) :
   1. an alternate reality created by our
       subconscious minds to satisfy our
       greatest and deepest desires
Jan 2018 · 141
???
vera Jan 2018
???
if you take a minute and

look at yourself

you will see

a vast inquisition is held

in that brain of yours

because who are you, really ?
- you must know that face that stares back in the mirror
Jan 2018 · 271
i love you
vera Jan 2018
tell me again that you love me
i love to hear people lie
because you don’t know how to love
i cant say that i do either
but, i know that love isn’t supposed to feel like this

love isnt supposed to manifest itself as paranoia
nawing at your every thought
or jealousy
overriding your functions like that little green monster

love is not these cruel things that you do
- i strive on lies
Jan 2018 · 175
red and yellow fire
vera Jan 2018
the red and yellow fire glistened behind her eyes
shone so brightly it was obvious to the specators
the red and yellow sparks frightened her and those who flanked her
when they saw the saturated color of the flames errupting no one could stand by her any longer
it was clear that she was set to explode

spectators watch from afar as the red and yellow flames rapidly consumed her
as they ate away at every part of her flesh
the smell of burning organs groped their nostrils
filling them to the brim with a stench they could not withstand

the girl stared as the people continued to back away
stuff their noses with their sleeves
and felt as she burned
her body became bloated with the fire
and then she burst
into a great flame that scorched everything in its path

the specators watched the finale
as she disappeared
into the red and yellow flames
and was never heard from again
- i get a bit mad sometimes
Jan 2018 · 161
go for it
vera Jan 2018
everyone is an artist
because we craft our lives and decisions
so meticulously
our choices are so specific to who we are
that no one can make the exact ones as the other

everyone is an artist
because we craft our insults and hatred
so carefully
our awful and greedy actions are so specific to who we are
that no one can do the exact ones as the other

everyone is an artist
because we craft our love
so perfectly
our hearts interwine with those we seek the most and are so specific to who we are
that no one can love another the exact say way

everyone is an artist
but just the same as art we can not plan our lives
because it will not come out the way that we imagined
and it will not go perfectly
but we will plan anyways
and try our best to make everything go the way we would like it to

we cant really craft our lives

we cant really craft our hatred

we cant really craft our love

but we sure as hell can try
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