are hands and knees that hit the floor
and crawl back towards what i’d sworn off before
weak, or brave
is it braver to run in the opposite direction
or to stay even when it stings
because when we’re in your car
i know what the crickets outside
are thinking, is it true
am i throwing white sheets over old reminders
written in dust, small whispers leading up
to an attic where all the hurt and confusion is stored
in cardboard boxes labelled DO NOT OPEN

right now i’m sitting on the stairs
with my back against the door
and i’m looking at your face, your face, your face
searching for something maybe i didn’t see before
and the words you wrote at two in the dark
made me miss you when i promised i didn’t,
and i want to stay, but when i try
to convince myself that you’re right,
that pushing you away is the easy way out,
that what we feel is a reason to keep each
other around,
i still find it hard to believe myself
when i tell myself
that i am being strong

Haunted Poem
11/10/2014

Sometimes you feel haunted by the past,
and sometimes you feel haunted by the present.
... Neither are very easy to escape.

it's funny how people think that chocolate can fill a broken heart
but m&M;'s don't help anything and i don't think they ever will
i didn't have the luxury of falling to pieces
i fell in a whole piece because i gave my whole to you
i didn't give you pieCes of me
i didn't give you slivers of my heart to fill the cracKs in yours,
i gave you my heart so that you would see my soul
so you would see that i am the one in desperate need of something to fill the holes in mine
so you would see that i'm just as fragile as the next and yes, i am broken but not by you
by words And thoughts and maybe i needed to give You my brain because i think that is in a more desperate need of healing

I knew
I knew
I KNEW
I knew and I made myself believe I was seeing green lights when it was just a mirage of a red light
and we hit all the red lights
we hit every single one of them
even when it was right in front of my face I didn't allow myself to read in between the lines and I made myself believe I was worth something more than just copper to you
I made myself believe I was rubies
and maybe I am but most people don't see that
and you definitely didn't see that
but I thought maybe you did and I threw myself out in front of your bus and I want to believe you caught a glimpse of me in your headlights but you refused to believe it was really me
I don't think you wanted it to be me
but the headlights always choose to point in a different direction and when the light turns green you head straight to her when I was in the turning lane
you are the swimmer in a stormy ocean and I am the raft refusing to let you go far without me beside you because I don't want you to drown, yet I'm the one getting capsized over and over and over again, but you keep swimming, and I want you to keep swimming
I want you to reach the infinite places you want to go, but I will miss you
and I will never stop telling you that I miss you
so I will be waiting for you at the traffic lights and one day you are bound to turn and you will see me
you will realize that I have always been there waiting for the green arrow

these blue walls have seen so much of me
maybe too much of me
i trust my walls
they keep my secrets and
comfort with its color
of creme, then turquoise, then a soft
blue
because it's color can change
but only when i allow it to
and i know that when i wake up, it won't be a new shade of
blue
it'll be my blue

You often hear that rain depresses
That thunder sparks fear in our minds        
And sometimes it does
But I believe in rain
And the way windows fog up
And sometimes your vision is blurred
And you literally have to brake
You have to stop
Just stop    
Because there are no windshield wipers to wipe those drops away
They just have to melt away until you
Can't see them anymore
Can't feel them anymore
Don't notice them anymore
But that's when you need to feel the way water sticks to a surface
and the way it leaves a streak forming a small pathway
Down
Because once down, it can only go up and
Although you can't make the rain reverse it's path you can stick on a jacket and pop open an umbrella and prepare for rain
Because you know it's coming  
And sometimes it's okay to rejoice in the rain                              
I am a strong believer in windows being stained by
Tears
From clouds in the sky

She is emptiness.
She is disappointment
and cigarettes
hiding under breathe mints.
She is hollow
and resentment resounds,
reverberating,
and vibrating
her core.
She is anger
and grief.
She is mourning
and sorrow.
She is hopeless
nothing to look forward to,
not even the promise of tomorrow.
She is loneliness
and guilt
for letting perfect love
just sit there and wilt.
She is the morning after
a night of alcohol.
She is the memories
she desperately tries
to drown in another
cacophony of music
and sounds.
She is depression
that she tries to throw to the wind
as she throws another handful of pills
down her mouth.
She is hate
and it eats away
until there isn't much left
to say.
She is you.
She is me.
She is everyone
but no one.
She is.

Maybe we are too much alike
Our souls fly in the same direction, and our hearts beat in the same patterns
Our minds are both incapable of comprehending space and matter
Music speaks to us better than people ever could
We both wish to catch a falling star and put it in our pockets
We dream big, and think too much
Maybe we are too blind to see that we are toxic for each other
and maybe I want too much and you don't want enough
But I will always take care of a little bird in a big world