I never meant to be mean

Despite our differences

All I wanted

Was to make it right

To make you understand the depth of my feelings.


You kept on saying and swearing that you weren’t seeing anyone else

When the real question I was asking was if I ever had your heart

You kept on saying you cared for me

When all I wanted was for you to prove it.



And I, who always felt the words comforting

Found myself struggling with yours,

Not understanding all the sentences that kept coming from your mouth

Because my entire being was focusing on one simple sentence:

He is a liar.



You said I don’t have to make any effort from now on

But how can you be trusted

When you made me hope for so much

Yet gave me so little.

You know  how I always say that  our existence should have a meaning?

Not necessary something big,

Not necessary something important and life changing

But something that will affect others

and maybe make their life a little easier.



I feel like I am supposed to be the girl who helps boys like you

to get over a girl they once loved.

I make them forget their lost

I make them forget their pain

I kiss them, I hug them, I make them feel special

even if I know for sure,

they are not thinking about me

when they kiss me so fiercely

they are not thinking about me

when they touch me,

their mind are a thousand miles from here

wishing they had someone else in their arms

wishing for their true lovers to come back.



And it hurts to think that I will never be the one they crave for

I will never be the one they are trying to forget

simply because I am easy to get

and easy to leave.



He touched me in a way you never did,

my body liked it and asked for more

while my soul was digging its own grave.



I am the no “strings attached” kind of girl

I kiss them the night

only to leave early in the morning

while they still dream

about their lovers.

Don’t get me started on love,
for I can spend hours describing it,
I would say things like:
Love is a temporary strike of light in the night sky,
An unexpected moment of joy drown in an ocean of misery
Serendipity.

Love is powerful, love is passion
But love is rough
Love is sadness
Love is smoking a cigarette while listening to your favorite music at the moonlight
Love is writing his name on every inch of your heart
But love is rare, love is precious.

And among all things
Love is gone.

My heart chose not to heal

It just kept absorbing all the sadness it found around

and amplifying it

to the extend that

It turned little troubles

into petrifying nightmares

and basic questions

into existential issues.



My heart kept on dreaming about a world

that was far from perfect

glamorizing each person

embellishing reality  

fantasizing.  



My  heart was simply not meant for peace

And sometimes I am mad at it

for it causes me more sadness

than I have or can carry within me.



But the heart wants what it wants

And sometimes, it *****.

we pour our words on a piece of paper
words that were once whispers that floated through the wind.
too quiet for anyone to hear
too gentle for anyone to hold onto.
yet they were the cries of agony
from cuts and bruises left to scar our heavy souls

we pour our words on a piece of paper
in hope for our whispers to be heard.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!
Please be cautious when reading. If you feel you'll be triggered in any way, please don't read. Thank you.


I'm done.

Done with trying too hard
Done with sleepless nights
Done with disappointment
Done with being a disappointment

Done with hearing their voices in my head
Done with seeing visions of my abuse
Done with being around people
That just don't care

I know they care
But my brain tells me they can't be trusted
They're like everyone else
I avoid "everyone else"

I'm done with my anxiety
Done with my sexuality
Done with my gender
Done with my PTSD

Done trying to pretend I'm happy
When all I've wanted to do is cry
But crying would make others uncomfortable
And doing that in the past led to peer abuse

I'm done with my brain going on tangents
Done with having a constant smile on my face
Even though it's fake
And everyone knows it is

Done with heaving after a panic attack
Done with my abusive visions becoming reality
Done with feeling nothing
Done with being anything

Done with breathing
Done with living
Because at this point
What is there to live for?