i shoot this bandaid into the hole through your head
it leaves a mark, a hole. makes you like a window
without glass. there is no blood
and therefore, no medical is needed.
but you tell me that that bandaid hurt and that a bullet
would have said more in blood and in sound
and would have been better.
i tell you there is no such thing as the pain you describe.
i say until i see a lock of your hair in my locker dipped in
your own blood dye, you are as alive as all of us are.
but the day comes when the sun is not as prevalent
and the moon is silent and becomes an abandonning mother,
and you do not give me your black hair in blood.
by morning we see the oceans love you,
give you the tenderness you wanted, give you
words of encouragement and a welcoming into
their community.
by morning we see the oceans be your actual mother.
we see your hole filled with water never to be empty
for we do not dig you a grave, especially when the sand
themselves tuck you into the river bed.
by night, we realize our beds could have been a
potential place of comfort to you.
by next year, the world forgets your name was once
dipped in ink the same way you are dipped in water and blood.
my locker stays unlocked, in disbelief.
by adulthood, i wish to go swimming with you.

I want to tell you that I love you
but it feels almost insulting to us,
as we have discovered a feeling
that is new and uncharted;
something that far surpasses
the conventional and widely known
concept and notion of just “love.”
We have created a new word,
a new feeling, a new experience,
a new connection,
a new world that’s all our own.

The word love;
it just doesn’t do this justice,
as when I first met you I realized
the reason the sun rises and sets.
It rises to compete with your beauty,
your natural radiance, your light
and your warmth.
When it sets, it gives up;
desperately craving rest as it
spent many hours trying to outshine you, which nothing in this world could ever hope to do.
At very best it could try to match your breathtaking sight,
but still it sets every single day, because it could never even come close to your effortless luminescence.
My darling, you have exhausted the sun,
a basic necessity for all life to grow,
and the centre of our known universe.
But to me, you are what causes growth, you sustain all life,
and you have me spinning in circles
in your gravitational pull;
twenty-four seven, three sixty-five.

It sounds cliche,
but the moment I saw you everything both stopped and started.
My heart stopped,
my breath stopped,
even time stopped.
But my soul was birthed,
my mind was resurrected
and then, my heart was revived.
Within a split second I felt everything; all at once.
Everything in this world suddenly made sense,
I found the puzzle piece to the incomplete picture I had decided to settle with,
I discovered an ***** I never knew existed, but now that ***** is so vital, I could never live without it.
I became a new person that day:
I was finally made complete.
I never knew what happiness was,
but that day I basked in.
I inhaled as much as I could,
even if it would drown me,
because I was absolutely terrified
and paralyzed with the fear
that I would never know that feeling again.

You’re my first thought when I awake,
picking up where I left off the night before,
and you sneak your way into my head all throughout the day.
No matter how close you are to me,
you will always be too far.
It’s frustrating to have two hearts and two souls so intertwined and locked,
that the barrier of our bodies almost feel like a nuisance
as they create a thin wall separating them from meeting
and melting together as they should.

If I could list off my biggest accomplishment,
it would be any time I was the provider of your smile.
If I could list off my favourite hobby,
it would be the times I make you laugh.
If I could do one thing
and only one thing for the entirety of my life,
it would be to look into your eyes
and listen to your sweet voice;
it always leaves me so intoxicated.
And if I was given the choice;
see you hurt or be gun down with a barrage of bullets;
I would tell the firing squad to start loading their guns.
I would die for you; without hesitation.
But the more impressive thing,
I think, is that I live for you,
even though it hurts so badly some days.
Pain goes hand in hand with love,
but it is also tantamount to it.

So you see, I want to tell you that I love you,
every single second of every single day for the rest of my life,
but the words are just words,
and no words, no matter how descriptive or beautiful or powerful,
could ever fully articulate what I feel.
Just know that I am yours,
even when you doubt that I am.

I miss you a little too much, my voice echoes; bouncing off the white walls. But you would only come by as you please and I'm left parched for your presence. Cause how else am I getting enough sunlight if not from your voice and skin and bones? Please come back.

-m.b

I woke up late again.
My body couldn't seem
to differentiate between
the am and pm.
What with the rain pouring
and the grey sky peeked
between my fading
yellow curtains. Weak.
I feel weak unlike
when you're here.
I love it when we talk
because it's just sheer
happiness.

I'm sorry if I seem so clingy but ever since you came into my life, I seem to have so much energy. Like all of a sudden I have a motivation to get out of bed before the sun rises and I want to tackle so many tasks and get my day going. That talking to you was like consuming energy pills and all I do is have this stupid smile on my face that I can't seem to hide and I laugh so much, it keeps bubbling out of me. That I just want to keep talking to you because I've spent so many months feeling numb and all I see is grey and all I hear is white noise. But you showed me what it's like to live again. To see a clear road ahead and I could do anything and I actually want to do it. You make me feel alive.

But I guess I can't
have too much of you.
Like in a day, the sun
would shine for just 12 hours.
Can't get too comfortable
cause (like now) you'll leave.
And I have to be able
to once again, live.
This time without you.
At least I've taken
my baby steps you've
generously shown
how to do it. Though I'm hurting.

It's hard to try when you're not there. I've gotten so addicted to your presence cheering me on cause now that you're not here, I feel like my tank of motivation is near empty. That I don't have the urge to get up anymore. What use is it, if you're not there to share all my accomplishments with? I feel like a fool. A fool waiting for a star to cross the sky to let me know you've missed me the way I've missed you. But it's pretty clear that I'm the only one who feels so strongly here. You've done your job and gave me a taste of your medicine so now you're treating other people. I'm not numb anymore though. No. I keep feeling things lately. I feel a pang of pain in my chest because I miss hearing your voice and how you could make me laugh like no other. That we speak in the same language and I feel like our soul and mind are intertwined. The rush of excitement I feel when I see a message but it deflates when it isn't you. How everything I see or hear reminds me of you and I want to talk to you about it but you wouldn't answer me back. I'm slowly giving up on trying to talk to you. Now I'm just here waiting for love through a screen.

-m.b

Knowing you has taught me many things.
You taught me how it feels like to be heard.
You taught me how to be strong.
You taught me to look inside me
and all the beauty inside it.
You taught me to see my worthiness.
You taught me I wasn't the monster
I thought I was.
You taught me that I can be powerful
and that you can be powerful too.
You see, you also taught me that
those Greek myths I've been reading
up on can be true.
I realise that you're a living gorgon.
How your blood could either
heal me
or **** me.
Above all, you taught me I deserve better.
And so I beheaded you.
Because you were right.
I deserve better.
Better than you.

-m.b

Sometimes there are days like today.
Where I was okay at first.
So I turn on music.

You know, the ones I used to listen to
when he was a constant in my life.

Where instead of enjoying the songs,
my mind grows blank.
I sit back and let the music fill me
with emotions and memories.

Of when I first listened to it,
the times we would listen to it together,
the times I listened to it alone, without him.

All the emotions I've buried in between
the lyrics and rhythms of the songs.

The laughter in his presence
and the pain in his absence.

I can't not listen to them
even if his ghost lingers still
in these lovely songs.

-m.b