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mars Jun 5
we sat down on this tennis
court under the sky and outer
space had eaten it
up and was hanging from the trees and
stars were landing on my
cheeks. time was flushed away and everything happened
at once without
order. we sat across from each other and
looked. my clay face was being
shaped to every burning movement of
her eyes. the only air that existed was
the air we shared that cycled through my
lungs and then hers. with each breath more of
her seeped into my
blood. she was wearing a
sweatshirt that was probably
grey. her shirt underneath it
was soft like it always
was. i am sick of the word
beautiful. i want something else something
more accurate something less
hollow something less
nothing but i cannot think of
a word. i am sitting on this tennis
court and she is also sitting
up and we are
intertwined. you know
how one person’s legs go
under and one person’s
legs go
over and then you are both sitting
up and your chests are an inch
apart. so i am sitting
there and i am feeling ****** by just how
beautiful she is. i am thinking for the millionth
time that she is the
most exquisite living
thing i have ever looked at. she is like a centuries-
old statue carved from a
stone that no longer
exists, she is dug
up from a lake of
nectar and it is
different than a centuries-old
statue because she carries the
life of the whole
world. it is that tape in my head
again, you are so
beautiful you are so beautiful you are so
beautiful. i am in absolute
awe. i don’t think anymore. she
tells me she doesn’t see
herself this way. at all. she sees crooked
teeth and anything but what i
see. woman
birthed from a planet like
venus but infinitely more,
more, purple sea lush living
garden golden
soil. have you ever felt so
shocked that your thoughts
stop. i have never been at such a
loss for
words. i think maybe my
mouth dropped open. i don’t
know what to
say because it is something i
cannot possibly fathom. that she doesn’t
see it. it is clear as
nothing to me and she doesn’t
see it. it was utter
disbelief and
i felt it on behalf of the entire
world. my hands were
combing through her soft
hair and feeling her soft
shoulders and cupping her
neck like anything i
did could crack. i was
balancing on the
edge of this
gorge and if i move all the china
shatters. can i move here. the air is
different. it’s sweet and it is
thick with whatever fills
black holes which is
nothing and i guess this makes
sense because i think my
lungs could have filled and
expanded mercury
oxygen miles
and miles. she tells me she is
nervous, she hasn’t felt this
way about someone in a
while, she thinks this could be
for a long time, it probably won’t
happen now, that’s
okay. she tells me she is
nervous, she is
bundled in this sweatshirt that
was probably grey and she speaks so
softly and her words bounce
gently between packed
molecules of various
planets until they land with
me and i am
weightless. it took me weeks to
write down what i
felt in this moment. i was
looking for adjectives which are
useless when
you can see. in this bundled
moment i see
myself looking into her
face and the tree
branches lower down to brush
away the world and there is my
face, there is my
face and there are stars reflecting in my
eyes. they reflect what i am
watching so intently. this girl
made of things the earth
doesn’t have. the top curve of the
atmosphere was dusted
away with  one
breath and i was blown into a
place i cannot come
down from. cannot come back from.
i realize only at the
end of this stream that this
is the moment i fell in
love.
poem for myself. finally figured out how i felt when i fell in love.
mars Jun 4
i know you
said you had no interest in visiting
europe but last night i had a
dream that you met me in
ireland.
i have never been and neither have
you but we rode in an old car to the
cliffs.
sheet sky tangerine
orange fire in the
ocean water burns just like my inner
thighs burn right
now.
you are laughing and you kiss
me in front of this brilliant
painting this brilliant firey
explosion it is
God and it is
summer. i wake
up and i am in the rain
on the street
corner where you picked me
up in your new car the last time i saw
you in december.
the new year is
tomorrow and you are in
boston. it rains and
i am alone
on the street in
december.
dream i had
mars May 19
this is me expressing
straight up
i am so much more grateful for having
met you than i am
hurt that you are
gone.
i mean, honestly
  May 19 mars
Peter Balkus
Her eyes
reflect my moon.
In her eyes
it's always full.
mars May 19
i make
you into other with
my words. into lost
ink drip-drip-
drip into wooden
splinter or cement
wall you cannot hear
me.
into an ocean i am
one one side of it and i thought i
felt you across the basin writing me a
letter but you have
swallowed the other
shore. is it better to feel you
as ink splinter cement the
void of a destination disappeared or
as what you
are?
my sun, you haven’t
called me
back.
some hurt, i haven’t heard from her
  May 18 mars
Midnight
the night my life changed
i was wearing
a white dress
with blue and red
flowers

and you were wearing
well, actually
it doesn't
matter

the night my life changed
it was dark
and you were drunk
and somehow
it was my fault
this is not my story, but it needs to be heard.
mars May 17
ink
I am. more with
every day you are silent
i fill pages of
excuses for you i
leak steady from
my mouth my hands i am
every curve every stain every
line in this notebook but so are
you.
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