...

I let myself exhale,

And then lifted my head
And saw you
Your face a mixture of pleasure
And Worry
All captured between
the soft glow
Of a lamp that did not belong to us
And a shadow
that belonged to the night sky.
Furrowed brows, flushed cheeks, and a smile that became unsteadied by a blossoming happiness, and dread.

I knew it all too well myself.

"Thinking about old fears?" I asked, trying to balance softness with the intensity of the conversation I was embarking. My breathing was calm and even, but I felt buzzing underneath my skin, goosebumps sprinkling across exposed flesh in waves.

Your vulnerability has often asked for mine in return.

You nodded, "Yeah," with a too perfect smile still on your face, your eyes shut tight, and your head turned to the side,
As if you were telling yourself that you were being ridiculous before I could.

How many times have you had that silent conversation with yourself?
I would have asked... but that was for another time.
Instead, I moved my head a little to the side to mimic yours, and brushed my nose against yours, pressed my lips against yours, and sighed.

I think I said I loved you.

I think I gave another "my heart belongs to you" speech,

I think the contents of my heart overflowed into yours,

But all I remembered was seeing you cry.
Your big stormy eyes welled up, and tears fell, and you gasped
And hips almost stirred again
Almost went looking for the friction we created.
I slid my thumb across your face, tutted lowly into your ear, and let my full weight rest ontop of you.
My arms wrapped around the valleys of your torso, clutching you closer as the outlines that separated our bodies began to disappear.
Until your bones became my bones,
And the wounds you were tending to became my healed scars.
We only had days to be together, but our nights were infinite.

How can I make these whites as uncomfortable as they make me?

Comparing skintones during the summer like there's anything to compare to, y'all just wanna brag about how brown y'all like to get without having to live like a *****.

Some masturbatory self ****, too pretentious to go to a tanning booth, but too cheap to treat ya skin right,
Y'all know that sunscreen is a must, but all I can think about when I go to the beach is tomato soup.

Y'all are the real red skins, but still dare to call yourself dark when y'all don't know what shade is. I can sit under an umbrella with long sleeves all day and still be brown by the time Autumn dries out the Summer leaves, I know y'all can't say the same.

Does it make you uncomfortable that I can other y'all?

White folk. Cracka. *****. Yall think that those are slurs? Where's the censor on TV then? Where's the national outrage? There isn't! But then when it comes to *****, oh then that's everybody's word. Like how ****** used to be everybody's word. Like how between ya ma-n-pops, they talk about how violent we ******* is... And y'all just listen... Complacent or uncaring, but still daring to say you're different.

Cut from a different cloth, you people got some nerve. And yes, you people, as in you white folk. Y'all better collect y'all's trash, like how incarcerated ****** collect it off the side of busy roads for free cos slavery never ended as neatly as y'all think it did.

Will y'all ever be uncomfortable over the right things?

Over black children being set up to go to prison from the moment they enter school because teachers give them more suspensions and detentions than anyone else?

That the FBI was found guilty of murdering Martin Luther King and has harassed him til he was shot?

That Lincoln never really cared about us *******, just wanted to win the war and ******* the south, no matter who suffered the most?

My fellow Americans, white that is, because in the census you're accepted as an American without question,

Y'all don't know the meaning of discomfort.

I wonder...

If love is more of a decision,
than it is a feeling.
Or that it's a constant fluctuating
Combination of the two?

The increased rate of
My heart beat when we talk,
The sudden invasive spike
Of insecurity when I take my
Clothes off for him
Or how seeing him smile
Sets the precedent of my day,
I can't Control how I react,
But surely these are signs of
Love? Feelings and emotions
Yes?

But these feelings come and
Go, one day his smile might not
Make me pause in my tracks
Like it does now,
One day, I won't care if he sees
My body unclothed,
One day, his voice will cease to
Excite me,
But will I still choose him
Will I not only stay
But refuse to leave his side
Will I stay loyal
And remain faithful
And cry when I'm hurt
And let the pain flow
Right against his blood cells
To mine own
Will I still remember his
Favorite teas are spearmint
And peppermint
Or that despite playing various
Instruments throughout
His life he still can't read sheet
Music but he can
Still read me
Or that when he's drunk
He's more open and
He sends pictures where he smiles
More
Or that he needs to hear my
Voice to fall asleep
Or that he feels desperate
And clingy sometimes
Despite me desperately
Clinging onto him
Trying to to not trap him
But grab his attention
Everytime I sigh because
I love him so much
It's a choice.
I choose to love him.
And I will always choose him.

All I do is make
My loved ones cry
Or feel inadequate
I can only assume.

I speak of bad,
I bring up difficult
Subjects like the
Prospect of separation

Or that loneliness
Is not something we
Can control, or that pain
From distance is inevitable.

I always have to bring
Up the things no one wants
To talk about, I just don't
Want to be without a plan.

I am not one for foresight,
I'm blind to my own senses
That I can confuse for
Righteousness, I know.

But I hurt too, my throat
Closes and my eyes sting
Like theirs do, I'm not
Without emotion.

My problem is that
I'm too sensitive, and I
Rather protect myself
Than be exposed.

His words are slow as
he tries to command
them into coherentness,
they're still slurred.

The lines are blurred,
like wet ink running
down on paper he's
messy messy messy

He says he loves me
the words come out
tangled but enthusiastic
there's no pain in them.

He says it again,
his heart must feel unguarded,
he must feel comfortable
to say it again without pause.

"Are you drunk?"  
yes, I'm very intoxicated.
That's to be expected this
**** ain't complicated.

Do I take advantage of
his drunkenness and
ask him to continue
saying  he loves me?

Or do I wait until he's dry,  
tell him I love him, expect
silence as my reply, and another
piece of my heart broken?

Because when he eventually
says it back, his voice will crack.
And I'll feel Guilty for
wanting to be loved like that.

It's not his fault, I'll say,
Everybody can't say it back.
Be patient, I'll remind myself.
I'll remind myself, I'll remind, remind

He only loves me when
he's inebriated. He's drunk
in love with me, how the hell
did this **** happen?

As I listen to him snore over
the phone, I know I'm in his
dreams. And maybe he's sober
when he says he loves me.

*******, dad.
How can you destroy me
Just by speaking?

One two, one two
Each word chosen
specifically to rack up
the most damage.
To leave me winded
after every conversation.

Despite the language barrier,
you still manage to use me
as your punching bag.
Verbal assaults leaving bruises
into my confidence as easily
as you roll your R's.

One two, one two
You have beaten into me
That I am not enough for you
Or for anybody
One too many times.

But I still love you -
Through and through.
-
*******, David.
What happened to having
my back?

You know how spineless
I can be. I
am a mess around Daddy
Dearest. And I know
that he loves me
Dearly.
But clearly, we don't see
Eye to eye.

Your advantage in height
does not give you the right
to look down on me.

I know you try
to understand me,
but sometimes I know you
Won't.  
And sometimes, you just
Don't.
Refusing to meet me half way
or being unable to do so..
I cannot seem to choose
which of the two are worse.

You're my baby brother,
**** used to be so different.
Mom and dad used to be together
And siempre meant forever
But life is not like that,
No, not really. Never.
We tethered moments to
Permanence.  
And look where that left us.

We laugh
and we fight.
At opposite ends only
to return to each other's side.
-
*******, Blake and Q-tip.
What is this friendship, am I
supposed to hate y'all?

Y'all drink
And I'm intoxicated.
Y'all smoke
And I get light headed.
Y'all breathe
And I'd gasp along with y'all.

We were inseparable.
Like magnets.
Except now we're just
Far too opposite to
Even attract anymore.

I tried to leave
before y'all left me,
but I still felt abandoned
and I feel like I was
never part of something
so close knit.
I was a loose string
on the woven tapestry
that y'all've made
without me.

And so I wonder if I
ever belonged in the first place.
or did I just follow behind
refusing to see the shadows
where there wasn't sun.

I'd still pick up the phone and
Talk like I'm still worth y'alls time.
-
The worst thing about
Having a fragile heart is
The ability to break your
Own
With just as much abuse
And neglect
And selfishness that everyone
Else had.

Sometimes, you break
Your own heart
Much worse
Than anybody else could.

And it would mend
Itself together
just to be
Broken again.