It's the quiet times when I grow weak
No work to do
No food to eat
There's nothing left, so I try to sleep
But that's when the insomnia settles in
And withdrawal symptoms start again
Even so, I close my eyes
I say a prayer and try to devise
How best to live a fulfilling life
Is it alone, or with a wife?
Perceptions once so crystal clear
But it was all just smoke and mirrors
Tossing, turning, I do implore
Knowing what was, is nevermore
I thought I'd had it figured out
Yet I find myself entrenched in doubt
Looking young but feeling old
It's so ******* hot yet I feel so cold
They say once bitten leaves us shy
And it's that that makes me want to cry
Knowing who and what I am
I'm scared of being used again
So here I sit, tired and alone
Not wanting drugs, but I hear their drone
Offering me their sweet escape
I'd like to stop
It's not too late.

8/11/22

I am mighty
I am man
Running roughshod across the land.

I am strength
With no remorse
Like death upon a pale horse.

I am reviled
I am feared
I'm the pain that society has reared.

I am broken
I can't feel
All alone, and left to deal.

8/9/22

Integrity,
The death of me.
An empathetic dichotomy.

Gaslit,
Narcissist.
I loved you more than I'll admit.

Feeling Abandoned,
Left alone.
Echoing thoughts that tend to drone.

Far too sensitive,
My heart, I'll drown again.
As toxic thoughts start to transcend.

Internal screams,
Decaying dreams.
Pragmatism, on my knees.

Tired.
Weary.
Heavy.
Dreary.
Difficulty seeing clearly.

Beaten.
Bruised.
Tattered.
Abused.
My empathy, once more, misused.

Trepidation.
Meditation?
Ego death by self-medication.

Culminating fears,
The weight of years.
Cleansing soul in deluge of tears.

A guiding light?
I cower in fright.
Yet I'll keep going, in veil of night.
Driven, purely, out of spite.

06/29/22

I reminisce as I expire
Of days of glory, of days of ire

Of wasted time, of lazy days
Of life events that shaped my ways

Of lavish *** and time well spent
Of lonely days and times I've wept

Of decisions made and paths I've walked
Of victories, losses, and what they've wrought

Of those I've slighted, of those I've loved
Of those I didn't but should've hugged

And of my body,
... grown weak and ill

(It's coming now, I feel the chill)

Of things forever incomplete

(Quiet now, it's time to sleep)

Of my mother, of my friends

(Hush now child, embrace the end)

Of things I won't and never will

Hoping my life was one fulfilled.

Sept / Oct/ Nov 2019

At wits' end,
he overextends,
as time was running low.
Yet his mind devised,
through blood-shot eyes,
a way to end his woes.

A chance, perhaps,
by happenstance,
to finally take control.
On a sliver of hope,
while dreams eloped,
an endeavor to mend his soul.

As the stars aligned,
the gods divined,
and the man would have his chance.
Through foreign lands,
devoid of plans,
on a razor's edge he danced.

Now settling in,
the outlook; grim,
... but was it all for naught?
As he looked in the mirror,
t'wasn't man, but his fear -
the demon he had sought.

Now face to face,
his heart; it raced,
but he knew what he must do.
He gazed inside,
and began to cry,
for the demon that he slew.

Though beaten and broken,
within him awoken,
a soul now free of strain.
With time to cleanse,
with himself - make amends,
no longer a life in vain.

And over time,
he's clear of mind,
seeing beauty in his days.
The ironic part,
is within his heart,
he still finds comfort in the Grey.

09/30 - 10/01
2018

There's a place that I can go,
A familiar place that no one knows.
A place tucked deep inside my heart.
A place so cold, a place so dark.
A place I go from time to time.
A place I go to watch things die;

Dreams
Ambitions
Love
& Hope

I know a place where few can cope.

A place your mind will often stray.
A place you go to get away.
A place where screams are all around.
A place where help cannot be found.
A place where all your pain is stored.
A place so strong you can't ignore.

I know a place... you can't escape.

It's all consuming.

Just you wait.

09/25 - 10/01
2018

A daughter is born, a gift from the heavens, begets new mother in 87'
And though she loved, though she reared, despite the fights, in spite of tears, knowing not, then out of time, a darkness spawned and intertwined.

And over time, the darkness grew, a mother's daughter born anew, and though she tried to intervene, to stop the spread, to cure disease, her fate would deem it wasn't so, yet the hardest part was letting go. Her child lost, though still right there, but reaching out was like grabbing air.

Now lost to us, this shattered mind, a sprouting bud she left behind.
A gift she gave though darkness wrought, such light and joy this bud has brought. And with this light here cometh hope, this bud to nurture, and ways to cope. Our little bud, with flames inside, on streaks of lightning our MaVi rides.

And while her daughter she'll not forget, a mother holds so much regret, for missing signs, for losing reigns, fret not Mãe, you're not to blame. And though I know the pain's still there, an empty void, it isn't fair, and while the answers I have not, my love to give is all I've got. For now, as family, we can only pray, and hope our Amanda finds her way.

12/23/2017

A savage fight
A lonely night
Some gin or whiskey will set things right

A running trend
A means to ends
An empty bottle, your oldest friend

You wake up late
Can't walk straight
Reality hits
You can't escape

A broken heart
A head that aches
The realization of past mistakes

Alone again
In need of friends
Let the good times roll
It never ends

10/27/2017

Though I know not for what I weep, these words they haunt, disrupting sleep, filling mind with poetic dread, no rest for the wicked, as mind distends.
And as it does, lo darkness rise, as body shudders and spirit dies.
Convulsive twists and mental splits, as tearing eyes meet trembling fists.

With no reprieve for searching eyes, paradox in rhetoric, the mind contrives, drifting off to a busy place; distraction laced in tempered pace.
But what hides behind is my true face, burying shame, with such disgrace, but I keep on, not showing face, where such defiance is commonplace.

And so I drift, as if in dream, I feign content as insides scream, echoing off of distant thoughts, of times of innocence, of times now lost. Of times of youth, of times of joy, so little remains of that young boy. But how I long to bring him back, to smile again, to joke, to laugh. To feel content within my skin, to feel the love of all my kin, to truly feel I'm not alone, to finally enjoy the warmth of home. To mend those things that bring us pain, to never again watch loved ones strain. No longer struggling, being whole again, not always wondering when the pain would end.

04/06/2017

The want, the urge, the need, desire! Like burning coals under blazing fire. Impassioned flames evoke; inspire, anthems betwixt emphatic choirs. Yet once was loved now holds such ire, for now I tread upon thinning wire, with none to help in times so dire, turned sinister, bitter, a cunning liar.

Of petty games I've now grown tired, and all the while my soul grew drier, now sapped of life, I'll get no higher, submitting to anguish like slave to sire.

Leaping now into a bloodstained mire, seeking solace, my new desire, but what I'll find is so cold my friend, for all I'll find is the bitter end.

Edit: 10/01/2018

As sunlight dies upon my eyes and night does glow anew
My light of hope will slit its throat, reminding me of you

And though my pain I do disdain for obstructing my resolve
I’ve you to hate for disrupting fate in which you did revolve

Our echoed lies and muffled cries begin to crush our dreams
With pain so real, we’ve scars to heal, finding comfort in our screams

But once night fades and the sky’s ablaze, I’ll know that I’ve come to
Having now been cleansed, finding means to ends, I’ve now been freed from you

01/21/2015

Tales tell of pots of gold, at the end of rainbows where colors glow
Yet flowing within their soft warm light, was no such gold that caused delight
Instead I found a gorgeous lass, with eyes of green, mind of sass
Our passion burned and off we went, scorching the Earth upon loves ascent
But just when we had reached our peak, the fires consumed and havoc wreaked
The climb was fast yet the fall was slow, we lovers fought to make it so
And when at last we finally crashed, we lay there exhausted, molten ash
Desperately trying to reignite, the fire that gave us both death and life

Now charred and lonely I think of you, of all the good and how I’d swooned
Of times we fought and times we cried, of times we argued and wondered why
Yet in my heart one thing rings true; I miss that rainbow and I miss you

10/21/2014

My apologies are empty, often overused
“Sorry” is depleted, relationships abused

Kindness only given, I turned the other way
Burning hatred, anger, drove you all away

Dust, it settles thusly, around my solemn face
Realizing plainly, that I am a disgrace

Words, they cannot fathom, the degree of my regret
Contemplating deeply, of those whom I’ve upset

Knowing no expression, than that of fiery rage
Causes matters thusly, as I become estranged

2013

Yet in the end, what can I be, if not a friend or foe?
Am I forced to be a stranger, to walk and die alone?

But if that’s my path, then take me back, to lands I’ve never seen
Where echoes wail, a chilling tale, yet silence reigns supreme.

And on my way, to my dismay, my eyes will flow with tears
For wasting time, extending life, for all those solemn years.

Though I regret, I shall not fret, for those I’ve left behind
“The coward's path.”
“Imagine that.”
My legacy defined.


2012

Time is ever fleeting, by the minute, by the day
It seems no matter what I try my life just slips away

Birth was only yesterday, tomorrow feels like death
This ride is almost over and I cannot catch my breath

The more I think, the more I try, the more it slips away
This ugly little paradox ends only in dismay

It can’t be stopped, can’t be slowed, don’t know why I try
They're telling me to savor it, but instead
I wonder,
"Why?"

03/24/2012

Edit:  03/27/2012

Edit:  04/20/2012

Edit:  06/11/2012

Of life and death I contemplate
More often than I should
I wonder about my purpose
Like it'd do me any good

There is a start, there is the end
Life's only guarantee
Another insignificant
Not what I wish to be

Yet I've no dreams of grandeur
I've no dreams at all
With aspirations empty
So shall my spirit fall

original:  03/24/2012

Edit: 04/21/22

Do as I say, not as I do
Lest you become a failure too

Despite many victories, days in the sun
The cost of it all? Millions to one

For every American alive today
The blood of another paved the way

****** the Native, enslave the Black
This is how free men freely act?

Power to the rich, naught to the poor
Remind me again what we left Britain for

We are America, filled with greed
Squeezing the world, we'll make it bleed

Ironic are we, despite the Red Scare
We let the Chinese produce our wares

The Romans did fall and so can we too
Here's hoping my words strike fear into you

We cannot repent for sins of our past
Make a bright future is all that I ask

America the Beautiful, I scoff at thee
Make me a believer, prove unto me

Until that day, a skeptic I'll be
Saying a prayer for you and for me

A future unwritten, lets make it shine
Aspire for greatness, or intervention divine

10/13/2011

Edit:  03/10/2012

Edit: 10/30/2017

These thoughts so wicked, course through our veins, like riding a stallion and losing the reigns

They come down upon us, like an angel of death, the taking of life before its first breath

An act so unhinged, wild and free, like the death of a star, it’s a sight to see

Both horrid and gorgeous, you stand awestruck, never turning away, yet full of disgust

Yet you shun these feelings -- having been taught, but in a moment so pure, you’ve likely forgot

Loosing a display that's most unfitting, your peers be ****** ‘cause you’re unwitting

And so they say, you’ve no self control, shaming you back into your dark, damp hole

Thus denying yourself, due to what they say?  More than a pity, it’s a crying shame!

But I'll not be burdened by these pretentious *****, for I'll see them in hell, and goad their disgust

With a species so elegant and beautiful as ours, to shun our emotions is like shutting off stars

In a night sky, once "oh so pretty", remains nothing but space and a white noise emitting

So let yourself go and shine once again, giving no headway to those who pretend -

That they're on a new level -- beyond comprehension, paying their true selves no ******* attention

While they die of a death, so silent and slow, they'll take their last breath, and not even know

original:  07/16/2011

edit:  03/10/2012

Edit: 10/01/2018

No sleep
More study
No play
No money

No time
No care
More stress
Less hair

One chance
No choice
Speak now
No voice

No purpose
No cause
No use
Just flaws

No joys
Just fears
Don’t cry
No tears

No love
No life
No fun
More strife

No will
No breath
No words
Just death

04/17/2010

Edit:  05/02/2010

Angry
Hating
Impatiently
Waiting

Crying
Coping
Trying
Hoping

Po­ndering
Thinking
Praying
Drinking

Living
Dying
Terrible
Timing

­06/03/2009

I wield this mighty shield
So strong and yet so proud
To silence halt and yield
This evil angry sound

Righteous, narrow, straight
This path I strive to walk
Shifting the mighty weight
For each and every block

Tenacious is this anger
My stance begins to fall
My shield becomes a danger
I heed the Spartan's call

My stance has shifted slightly
The anger has been unleashed
The shield that once was mighty
Shall make my loved ones weep

Though I regret this greatly
They may never know
For all they say so plainly is,
"What you reap is what you sow"

*04/09/2009

Edit: 10/01/2018