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Ever since I can remember,
I was always considered a winner.
overpraised by my mother,
with a clear bright future.
The holy model of the family.

Fast forward a few decades, and I'm the only deception amongst three kids. Maybe it's because I have always entertained the thought that One day, once I get so and so, I will be able to start living. Here are a few rules that have helped me maintain that level of survival and edging suicidal thoughts.

Never fully commit to anything.
Whenever what you are doing is starting to take shape and people are starting to believe and invest in it. Quit it, look for something more interesting, something with more potential, with a great possibility for "success". Remember that success is not something you steadily build, but something that you find from day one at the right thing.

Never be loyal.
Especially to yourself, remember that you shall never bother anyone. Always put your needs and comfort aside. You are very strong that is why you can suffer so that other people can enjoy life. They don't even know how many sacrifices you're enduring for them to be able to live life. They don't know that for some people to live life some others have to restrain themselves quietly and courageously from all the goods that are out there. Scarcity is a fundamental law of nature.

Never keep your words.
Betray then move forward. You're not keeping up with your words, not because you're a loser, oh no. It's simply because it is way too difficult to parent yourself into doing anything. too tough to give orders to yourself and follow them. Although you're the best follower, the best worker, the employee of the year. yet when it comes to achieving anything that you've set up for yourself, you're the best procrastinator. And remember, tomorrow will always be available, why bother fighting imaginary limiting beliefs that are always, and I mean always right. The arguments for not doing anything are so solid, that is why you couldn't keep your words. You are very strong, if only you had tougher arguments, you would have accomplished so many things!

Friends are for the weak.
You don't need friends, nor do you need recreation. You're too smart for these basic beta-human endeavors. You're too busy confusing activity with accomplishment, too busy being busy searching for a way to stop yourself from being busy and wasting your time. If only you could afford that productivity course, you would have been so productive and could accomplish 0.5 times more every day.

Work to exhaustion and be proud of it.
Sleep is for losers. We are winners, at least we are striving for it. We wake up early, handling a bunch of random and unprioritized activities. You know, the shotgun approach, if we shoot at all of these activities all at once, how can we not nail at least one of them! That is the smartest move ever, and by now you should clearly understand how clever and privileged we are. We are honored with the power of multi-tasking. That is why only we can work, listen to an audiobook, chat with friends, and look for a new movie to watch later at launch break. Because launch breaks are always long enough to squeeze a 90 minutes movie.

Prove Them Wrong!
Whenever someone puts its trust in you, its faith in your work, its love in what you do... Prove Them Wrong! you don't need anyone to believe in you. Especially close friends that have been there for you since childhood. You don't need them. Their trust will bother your success, people will think 'oh he got so lucky, all these people had put their trust and beliefs in him'. We don't need that. You don't need that. You want people to be amazed if, I mean when you make it to the top! They would say 'wow he did all of that by himself! he must be the strongest man in the world'. Therefore, we will work very hard to discourage and betray every single person that puts some trust in us and what we're doing. We're not sharing any credits with anyone. We've been born alone, we'll make it alone.

Never Speak Your Thoughts.
Is something bothering you in anyone's behavior? We've mentioned it already, you are stronger than anyone, therefore it's up to you to suffer from your thoughts. Allow other people to treat you however they want, as long as you can survive, you will, in the end, thrive.

Break Your Rules Often.
Every time someone doesn't abide by your rules, break them. You are a non-smoker and don't want to allow people to smoke at your place. Whenever you have a guest, allow them to smoke. It's not that cigarettes or **** will **** you. Although in college they thought you about passive smokers and how they suffer more than actual smokers, hey! You have great health plus you are stronger than them, you can endure the smoke for a few months, that's not gonna **** you right away... If only it could...

Never Socialize.
Only losers go out and have friends. You're a winner, well aren't you? You need to work, work, and work. We're not sure what you must work at, but we know that we won't waste a single day without working on something, on anything. If we feel the need to let loose, we'll lay in bed with the computer and keep on working till we fall asleep. then wake up 15 minutes later to keep on working. The thing is, there are so many things to do, and we are the only person that can handle all these tasks. Plus friends might start to believe in us and take credit for our success, we don't want that.

Always Go Out Of Your Way.
We don't have friends, but whenever someone asks us to do something, even if we had perfectly planned the day, we can readjust everything to please them. It's not that missing one day in our plan would have made a huge difference anyway. Plus it is so important to never get in the way of anyone by daring to say no to whatever they want. The best world for us would be an old house in the woods with a food delivery service, gigabyte internet, electricity, and no bills or bill collector.

I hope this beautiful list will help some of you to live an amazing life, because, I am not. And if what I am doing now by typing these words is what life is about, then life must be really weird and ****. Although I would admit that 2% of the time, life seems amazing and colorful. Enjoy yours to the best you can, even losers like I get a 2% joy every now and then.

Thanks for reading me.
I did it again... I did what I didn't want to do, that thing I've been resisting, that thing I no longer want in my life... I did it again! How can I do something I didn't want to do? There are 2 possible answers:
1- I decided to do it anyway, which is dumb!
2- Something else made me do it, which is suspicious!

If something else can make me do things, I don't have free will, and if there is no free will... It means I'm a SLAVE! Well to a certain extend I would say the science of brainwashing and manipulations which the most popular branch is named "Marketing" is just the science of Slavery! How to enslave people without being caught! Therefore, the second answer has some truth in it, yet I feel like I made the decision to do it. Just like all great sellers, they always make the prospect think that they made the decision to buy. Then if they don't like what they bought, they can only blame themselves. What a pitiful civilization.

Now you'll tell me that this is a sane world to live in! Everybody is doing their best to enslave you to their product, to their belief system, to their view of the world. They all want your money, your time, your house (if you have one), your mind, your attention... your soul! This is like "Wall-E", "The Matrix", "Terminator" and "The walking dead" mixed together with some "Constantine" black magic behind it...

So from a slave to another, next time you do it again (because you will!), don't beat yourself up. It's your responsibility, but it might not be your fault.
Random words about falling into bad habits.
Life is so easy!

You can do whatever you want! And what you do today, will bring fruits and consequences tomorrow. Sometimes that tomorrow might be the next year, but it is still wonderful.

We only **** and find life hard when we start talking to ourselves about ourselves, and call it "other people's opinion". What a dumb concept. You don't believe in mind reading yet you believe that this voice in your head really mirrors what other people are saying! Like you don't recognize that voice? It always has the same tonality, comes up with the same arguments and bold ridiculous logic, yet you still believe it belongs to everybody but you! This is the stupidest thing people do, and we are so many doing it, we think it's sane. That right here is the proof that we are living in a "political" world. This means, as long as the majority accepts or denies something, it is bound to be true, and the few ones that don't adhere are considered marginal and will be treated as threats.
Don't you believe me?
Try it.
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..
...
..
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The blank page... I heard writers experience this often, but not me. Either I am not a novelist, or I'm the best one ever. How can you not find something to write on a white piece of paper, I mean a white computer screen. Maybe it's because I am penning about anything that comes to my mind, no structure, no narrative, no lesson... nothing to trigger the ego or the pride. Just pure random, meaningless writing. That's my therapy.
Saying goodbye
To someone you love
Is like reading the final page
Of an amazing book.

As the last chapter ends
You begin to notice
Just how beautiful
And perfect
The plot always was.  

You appreciate the joy
And even the pain
As you read and thumb
Through every page.

Finally understanding
The moral of the story,
You realize you've reached
The end of this journey.

Although the last sentence  
Is the most difficult to read
Another great book awaits
Once you turn the final page.

Eventually you may stumble
Upon yet another great find.
Or maybe you'll return
To the book you left behind.

You may just discover
Once all is said and done
That this particular book  
Was your favorite story
All along.
For Ty & Des ❤️
Is it right to be wrong and to feel good about it?
Is it wrong to be right and to feel bad about it?

Does my girlfriend's opinion have to makes me feel good?
Does my friend's opinion have to make me smile?

Is it normal that I feel lonely in the crowd?
Is it natural that I can hear silence very loud?

Am I a human being after all?
Am I a conscious being in a ball?

Does my freedom depends on me?
Does it depends on what they see?

I think questions will expend life
they drive you to the unexpected
some will cut you worst than a knife
but none shall ever be neglected.

Please post as a comment
a few questions of yours
and in one or two moments
they'll expend my life to yours.
Feel free to answer these questions based on what you've experienced not what you've seen or read.
Ten
One pill was too little,
Two was just enough.
Three was to push the limit.
Four was to prove it wasn't a bluff.
Five was to be thin.
Six was for the hell of it.
Seven was to purge myself from within.
Eight was for my hipbones to stick out like knives.
Nine was to ensure that I might not wake up alive.

Ten little pills, she held them in her hand
Threw them all away, to let her spirit mend.
Supported by her craftsmen,
poets and good friends
She realized, she's not alone
She'll be strong once again.
Credit to Ana Sophia for the happy ending she gave me.
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