****
I can't believe
You've lived eighteen long years
I don't want to believe
You're of legal age
Because just yesterday
You arrived for school 2 hours late for
You slept at 4 am because of anime
Your blue boxers would show even if you wore a belt
You bought 100 Pesos worth of Spanish bread during recess
You dared to punctuate your English report with wrong grammar
You dunked iced tea bottles to the trash can, imitating Jordan
You ran and screamed in the hallways with the 3rd graders
You hanged your sweaty shirt to dry at the lockers
You spammed our physics teacher's laptop with selfies
You bit my shoulder, literally
You drew kitties and robots in your math test
You attempted to sing to dubstep
You took a nap at the carpeted library floor and
You almost ran over me with your car
So even if you're now an adult officially
You're still this messed up kid to me
Happy birthday though
You're finally 18
My wish for you is that you would be careful
'Cause you're old enough to hit the slammers
*I guess age is really just a number

Malalaman mo agad kung ako ay ako galing sa
Aking boses na sa sobrang lakas at tinis,
Rinig hanggang sa kabilang kanto; pero baka
Gulat ang iyong aabutin kung makita ****
E**to, and liit lang ng tangkad ko!

ilang oras,
ilang araw, linggo, buwan,
ilang taon
na akong naglalakbay.
nakita't nadaanan ko na lahat.
dito sa masalimuot na lansangan
memoryado ko na ang mga
pasikot-sikot sa mga eskinita,
bawat lubak at hukay sa kalye,
ang mga graffiti at nangangalawang na karatula.

pero kahit kay tagal na ng lumipas na panahon
hanggang ngayon,
di ko pa rin masikmura
ang mga nakakabinging busina at humaharurot na makina
ang nakakasulasok na baho ng usok at nagkalat na basura.

sa una ako'y nangangawit
pero ngayon nangmanhid
na ang mga kamay ko
sa higpit ng kapit sa manibela na
walang sinuman ang makakaangkin dahil
ito ay s'akin lamang,
akin.

puso ko ang mapa:
lukot at punit-punit.
dito ako sunudsunuran at alipin.
kahit alam kong mali,
di ako kikibo, ako'y tahimik.
naghahanap, pero siya rin mismo nawawala.
tahanan lang naman daw ang gusto niya
kung saan lulunasan ng yakap
ang pagod at pait,
kung saan ang mga simangot
ay masusuklian ng ngiti.
pero saan?
saan kaya?

ako ang hari ng daan.
walang kinikilala na batas.
nakikipagkarera sa hangin
sige-sige sa pag-arangkada.
kung may masagasaan,
kahit siya ang duguan,
siya pa rin ang may kasalanan.

dahil paminsan
naiisip ko na baka
mas swerte pa siyang nakahandusay sa kalsada
kaysa sa akin na pagod,
naiinip, naiinis sa likod ng manibela.
malapit nang maubusan ng gasolina,
ang mga gulong ay pudpud na.
'di ko pa rin mahanap ang tahanan
kaya tumungo na lang kaya ako
sa kamatayan?

"para po"
ako'y napalingon.
oo nga pala, may pasahero ako.
inaangkas lang Kita
paminsan umuupo likod
madalas nakasabit sa may salamin
o nakalapag sa harap
kasama ng mga abubot at basura.

"ate, para po"
hindi.
inapakan ko pa ang gasolina.
nagbibingibingihan sa mga bulong Mo.
oo,
alam kong pagod na ako
pero kaya ko 'to,
hindi ko kailangan ng tulong.

"para, diyan lang sa may tabi"
hindi.
hinigpitan ko pa ang hawak sa manibela.
gusto ko lang naman makauwi.
oo,
alam kong nawawala na ako
pero sigurado ako ang ginagawa ko
siguro, sigurado
siguro.

"para"
ngayon
napagtanto ko na
ako'y sawi, ako'y mali.
papakawalan na ang pagkapit sa patalim,
ang pagtiwala sa sarili.
sa wakas
ako ay

bibitaw.

sa Iyo na ang manibela, pati na rin
itong upuan na 'to, and trono.
Ikaw na,
ang gasolina at gulong na nagpapatakbo
ang mapang nagtuturo
mula ngayon hanggang magpakailanman.
Ikaw na
ang Kapitan
ang tagapagmaneho ng buhay na 'to.
wala nang pagkuha, pagdukot, pag-angkin.
mula ngayon,
iaalay ko na ang lahat.
ako ay Iyo.

ilang oras,
ilang araw, linggo, buwan,
ilang taon
na akong naglalakbay
at tuloy pa rin ang biyahe.
ganun pa rin ang kalagayan ng kalye:
malubak, maingay, madumi.
pero kapag Ikaw ang nandyan sa upuan,
para tayong lumilipad.
anumang madaanan
biyahe ay napakabanayad.

puso ko'y nananabik.
saan Mo ako sunod dadalhin?
saan kaya makakarating?

kahit saan man mapadpad,
kahit gaano man kalayo,
'di na ako mawawala.
ako ay nakarating na.
o tahanang tinatamasa,
nahanap na rin Kita.
basta't kasama Ka,
Hesus
*ako'y nakauwi na.

Hoy Neng,
bilis!
Halika nga dito.

****-abot nga sa akin yung ano,
yung kwan.
Yung ano na medyo pula,
pero may pagkadilaw,
ng kaunti.
Nandoon lang nakapatong sa ano,
malapit lang doon, oo doon.
(Sabay turo,
gamit ng nguso)

Dalian mo!
Bilis!
Ang bagal-bagal mo naman kumilos,
Susmaryosep!

We're stuck in a terrible traffic jam
Of a river of red lights.
At the car dashboard there is a faint green glow:
It's 11 pm.
I already feel tired for tomorrow
Even if it hasn't started yet
For I know I have to wake up at 5 am.

As my mind fills with fatigue and frustration
I hope in my heart
That my dad would never stop driving.
I wish that he would
     drive
            d r i v e
                  d  r  i  v  e
                        and  d   r   i   v   e
To wherever the road takes us and just
Let the dim orange street lamps lead us
To a brighter tomorrow.

I beg to break free from the city borders for
I can't seem to take the stress out of me
So just take me out of the stress.
Let this auto's mechanical hum
Drown my thoughts.
Let every revolution of the wheel
Oust the monsters reigning,
Preying on my mind.

The greens of the rain forests and rice fields,
The blues of the mountains and the ocean
Would zoom in smudged colors
In the artwork that is my window.
Roll it open and the wind
Would gently kiss my face and stroke my hair.
I will sigh,
Releasing the remnants of
My exhaustion and combusted fossils exhausted,
And filling my lungs with the air smelling
Of pine trees and the ocean breeze.

So I hope that we would never stop driving,
And let the road take us anywhere
I don't really care
As long as its
Anywhere but here.

I'm trying to build a bridge
To new chapters and seasons
With hopes that I would get over
You
But I can't help myself
From looking down,
Looking back at
The nevers and if evers.
I'm hitting my head
With these heavy bricks
Instead of just laying them down
And so I'm losing my mind
I don't know why
I don't know how
I don't know what now
I just don't for
Sometimes I just want
To let myself go:
Just jump off and fall
In love
But you are a deep, dark ravine
Too full of mystery,
Maybe even misery
But of this I am certain
That you would be
The death of me.

I never heard her say "I love you"
But I did hear her say
"Wake up. Breakfast is ready."
"Here's some extra money."
"Make sure you bring an umbrella today."
"Buckle your seat belt."
"Did you do your homework?"
"I saved a seat for you."
"Be home by ten."
"Are you okay?"

Truthfully
I can say that
I feel love
Not because I hear it
But because I see it.

the disease has already spread to your eyes
where its innocent twinkles have now been replaced
by a blazing fire of passion.
   it has reached your hands and feet
and has caused them to be horrified of inactivity.
   it has gotten so worse that the disease has also spread to your
lungs, where every breath
heart, where every beat and
mind, where every neuron is
for your dream and
by the hope that you have.
  
   i think that the virus is highly contagious
because now
i too am infected.
    it consumed my body
and has caused me to be
so sick
of the selfish and superficial
life that i once was living.
  
we are diagnosed with the dreamers disease and
no dosage of discouragement can cure us.
it has conquered our lives and together
we will start a pandemic
and conquer society.

isang musmos na lahi
isang munting nasyon
parang itinanim na buto
itinakdang
sumibol at lumago
sa paglaon ng panahon

nag-aabang, naghihintay
puno nang sabik
pero kay tagal dumating
tayo ay nainip
tadhana nating tagumpay
kailan kaya makakamit
kasi

apat na raang taon
hanggang ngayon
lulong pa rin sa putik
nangangapa, nadadapa sa dilim
mga butong nanginginig sa lamig

mga isla
pitong libong isang daan at pito
ito
ang ating lupang sinilagan,
tahanan ng ating lahi
pero nga bahay ba ito o burol?

mga pangarap na
masilayan ang mga sinag ng araw at
mahagkan ang malayang langit
mananatili lang bang panaginip dito
sa bayang natutulog
o kaya namang natutulog lang kunwari

tanggapin mo na lang na
humikbi, humagulgol,
ibuhos mo man ang iyong luha
walang darating
kumayod ka man at magdamag magsikap
diligan mo man ang lupa ng pawis
wala
pa ring mangyayari

kasi
dugo
dugo lamang na dumaloy
mula sa mga palad ni Hesukristo
kung ang Kanyang pag-ibig ay
babaha sa lupa
ng parang delubyo
ito ang nag-iisang paraan
ang nag-iisang sagot:

dugo
dugo lamang na ibinuhos
ang tanging
makakatubos
makakaahon
makakaligtas
sa atin

I.
with my hand clutching my heart,
i anxiously swept my feet across
the hallway lined with a hundred artworks,
only to discover at the very end
that mine was just
one place short of an award.

i run all the way back the long hallway
to hide teardrops in a dark lonely corner
until my father
came and gave me
a comforting embrace.
his strong hands patted me on the back,
my tears stained his crisp polo as
i buried my face in his chubby belly.
he told me
that i'm the greatest artist
and that no matter what
he loves me.

II.
seeds planted in me bloomed
into realizations
and those realizations bred feelings
and like a tidal wave
the sea of emotions
surged over me
and overflowed to my eyes
chest felt heavy and
my head felt light.

i made my way through the dark and crowded room
to my brother
and in front of all his friends
tackled him in a hug.
he scuffled my hair and locked me in his arms,
and i couldn't believe he hugged me back
instead of pushing me away.
he told me
that he was stupid
and that he was sorry.

III.
he held me back as everyone else went down
the winding staircase.
i knew too well that this day would come
but i injected myself with lies
that February can feel like forever.
but the truth prevailed
and the truth hurts.

our cheeks brush and blush.
he got me on the tips of my toes
and his thick sweater caught my tears
as we wrap each other in a long embrace.
i let go of him and dropped my hands
because the moment felt too right but
he hugged me tighter
and he swayed me
gently
   back and forth...
       back and forth...
           back and forth...
contrary
to the wild beat of my heart.
he told me
his final goodbye
and that he will miss me.

take me in and
   i'll take you out,
   i'll take you away
to a far, forgotten fantasy
   away from urban complexity, insanity.
we could
dive the depths.
climb the heights.
whisper our wishes
   to the evening breeze.
sing to the beat
   of bubbling brooks.
dance to the rhythm
   of rustling leaves.
ride the road
   of the winding river.
sail forth
   into the vast velvet ocean.
drink the moon glow
   that drips thick like milk.
swallow in
   the air's forgotten freedom.
with one hand
   reach for the stars
   that shine almost as bright as you.
with the other
   hold mine.

erase and escape.
rewrite reality.
lift up that heavy heart.
fall back in love with me.

The last time I saw you
We were trying to blend orange into green
In a huge painting for a fund raising auction.
Surprisingly, I see you again in yet another colorful adventure,
In a dark room with bright blinking lights where
We gave 80's dance moves to pop rock songs.

Then we plunged into the night and let
Our laughter and high pitched voices pierce the chilly air.
We balanced our books as we hurriedly jaywalked
Through the 10 pm traffic jam.

Though the ads in the mall were right at our faces,
You pulled me to a big blue aquarium
To marvel at the goldfish and guppies
Staring at our shiny eyes the same way.
We tried to understand the math
On how our corals cost 3 times more than the States
Even if we have 20 times more species than them.
We couldn't, but we swore to each other we'd stop it.

And as we shared a glass
Of too much ice and no more tea
We fought back passion filled tears
When we told each other story after story
Of our government's inadequacies.
We argued, but finally agreed that
It's not over population, it's urban planning;
It's not poverty, it's inequality;
They're not imbeciles, just ignorant;
And our nation maybe unfortunate,
But our trust is not in fortune, but in grace.

Then as we bid each other goodbye,
Unsure of when will we even meet again,
I prayed to God that
If our school chaplain becomes the president
I'd like him to appoint you and me as the
environment and finance secretaries.
I thanked Him too because
Now for the first time in my life,
I'm not ashamed, I'm not embarrassed but
I'm happy
To be a geek
Because you are with me.

Get lost!
Plunge into the cool waters of the unknown,
Breathe in its main element, adventure!
Fight fear!
Battle beasts!
Challenge chances!
Cultivate curiosity!

Get lost!
When you are navigating through
A remote road,
Alien alley,
Or secret sidewalk,
Soak your soul,
Let it dry
…slow
Do not wring the thrill out.

Get lost!
Everywhere,
Absolutely,
Is a strange somewhere and an exotic elsewhere.

I think our eyes would light up and ignite
As we finally return His gaze on us.
And every second to eternity
Will be painted with joy as
We play hide and seek in the maze
Created by the train of His robe that fill heaven's halls.
Then we will swim and splash in His overflowing glory,
And in the towering staircase,
Race each other to His throne.
But no
We won't grow tired and weary
I think that we will even go ahead
And get dizzy from dancing in worship
And lose our breath from laughing and singing praises.

Well...
We might just turn heaven into a playground,
But then again
We are His children after all!

i can't feel my head
but my heart is oh so
heavy.

unstable, unable

even if i can't get rid of the weight
i hope my head can help my heart carry.

No, I am not a Christian, rather
I am a child adopted and chosen
I am a friend, He is my buddy
I am a follower, humbly obeying the Leader
I am a disciple, carrying my cross daily
I am an heir of the heavenly kingdom
I am a steward of the gifts that he gave me
I am a servant, loyal and faithful
I am a princess, set apart and of royalty
I am a citizen in but not of this world
I am an ally, no longer an enemy
I am a soldier constantly in battle
I am a conqueror, for He has won the victory
I am a slave, not to sin but to righteousness
I am an ambassador, representing peace
I am a new creation, gone is the old
I am a handiwork, a grand masterpiece
I am a branch yielding much fruit
I am a temple, the Spirit lives in me
I am a light and salt to all the nations
I am His possession, bought with a price too heavy

He looked at me.
When I can't even
Look at myself,
He looked at me.
He looked at me and stared down deep,
With His eyes not of pity,
But of love.

You explained how
your country is requiring men your age
to join the force
and serve for some years,
but that was nothing like your
voluntary obligation to your dreams
to become a valiant fighter pilot
and so

You said goodbye.

I understood that.
My dad was a soldier as well,
but instead of the sky,
he was a man of the seas and distant shores.

What I didn't understand was
how my mother
could possibly love someone
who was barely even there
but now

*I think I do.

you told me that you were
just playing it safe,
careful to keep your perfectly powdered face from grime
and getting dirt under your manicured nails.
you try to maintain that posture with poise and grace,
while others break their backs and crawl
on the ground on their knees and bellies.

you told me 
that you are playing nice.
you said that you are loving, caring, kind, and generous
and all those pretty qualities.
that's true,
but 
one glance at your eyes 
is enough to know fully that 
you are also
fearful and terrified.
you are a coward:
a prisoner of pride
playing god as you place your trust on yourself.
taunted by questions of  rejection, ability, and sufficiency,
you cowered in your high tower
instead of joining the frontlines in the fight.
frozen by fear
your heart has gone too numb and cold, for
the doubt and anxiety has put out your fire.

you said that you have won it all.
but actually, 
you know nothing.
nothing!
about triumph and victory 
for though the world has plunged into calamity,
you were never one with the army.
your bright eyes has seen death
but only from the sidelines.
you defile the purpose of your armor
by keeping it perfectly polished
when it is meant to be stained by mud and blood.

you told me that you were just playing it smart.
you said that it's only rational, logical, 
the normal human response
to take every measure to avoid pain and harm.
you behold the chaos
and cry 
"they are fools!"
and
you are 
perfectly
right.
they made themselves
into proud and shameless fools
for they know well that 
the fools are the ones chosen to shame the wise.

darling, 
just
stop
playing it nice, safe, an smart
for this is not a game,
this is 
war.
strip off the crown and ball gown and
pick up your sword and armor.
from your high tower,
run
to the mountains and fields
to the homes and cities
run
to the trenches and frontlines.
for it's either you lose your self or lose the fight

soldier,
warrior,
get ready to pour out sweat, tears, 
and even blood.
though you have yet to see
still,
claim victory:
the war has already been won
before it has even begun.

*it is
done.

You come to Him
And sit on His lap
You greet Him
With your various appeals and requests:
Sentences and paragraphs
Wrapped with
"I want this"
and "Give me that"
And you search and inspect His hands for
The gifts and presents
Wrapped in pretty papers and big bows
But forget not that
He is far more---
He is light years beyond
The source of your joy and peace
Because
He is joy
He is peace
And so
Still
The erratic spin of the compass
Of your heart
And point the arrow
Back to your first love,
The One who loved you first
Humble before Him
And fall on your knees,
Fall at His feet
Stop searching His hands
And start seeking His face
Marvel and adore
The Master of masterpieces
Entitled "Beauty Personified"
In the silence,
Hear His melodic whispers
That calls for you singing,
"My friend, My child"
Bask in the rays of His radiance
Let His comforting warmth seep in your skin
And melt you,
Every part and particle of you
Smell His sweet aroma
That wafts and saturates the air
Breathe His breath
That made the stars explode into light
And made you come to life
Taste His goodness and
Fill yourself with His glory
And let it overflow
As praises
-----Just praises
Because there is already
Great joy and
Perfect peace
In just praising Him because
He is Joy
**He is Peace

Munch on some
       salty chips, chewy cookies, sandwiches of every spread,
            and of course instant cup noodles.
Sit back and tap your fingers to some
        tunes in that carefully constructed playlist.
Snuggle with that
        favorite stuffy bunny and catch up on sleep
While I---
I will keep my eyes open every moment,
        eager for the cinematic scene playing in the window
                of the Metro regressing back to its roots:
From the bustling city
with its mechanical hums and bright lights,
        to the sleepy village
        and its vintage stillness and simplicity,
                to the vast rice paddy
                like an emerald in the sunlight,
                        then to the thick, dense rain-forest
                        echoing melodic chirps and hoots.

He's as straight as a curved line
Or so we speculate, or so he denies
A thousand signs, a million hints
Never as refreshing as an evening mint

He praises the men who live in the screen
Projected in front for all to be seen
“Is he attracted?” we ask
“Or is he just trying to bring joy so that his sadness will be masked?”

Deeper and deeper the bird plunges
Smaller and smaller the sky gets
His limbs flow and soon, suffocated
The days of his junk is dated

A sudden movement, always an explosion
Always seems intoxicated by a freak potion
Unnecessary but not always unwanted
But still every inch of his body is demented

His wretchedness is our pleasure
The distance between his pain and our joy cannot be measured
I say, everything in the universe is against him
We say, his very existence is sticky and dim

Angry mom
Uncleaned room
Missing chair
Math grade in doom

Lost books
Crossed and shaky legs
Blemished looks
Intermediate pad in despair

Rotten eggs
Sudden rain
Dancing legs
Junk in pain

Moldy bread
Virused usb
Relationship with girlfriend now dead
Showing off his bare body

Humongous hands
Side comments
Life never bland
But forever in lament

Alas, I bombarded him with questions
He states that he feels no hatred is most situations
Sometimes we wish that his life would change
But that would make our own very strange

Lilingon-lingon upang makakuha
Ng isang sulyap, isang silip
Hanggang sa tinalikuran mo na ng
Tuluyan
Ang kalayaan
At hinayaan mo ang sarili mo
Na bumalik
Sa selda na iyong pinanggalingan, nakasanayan

Pero hintay, hinto!
Hindi kita papayagan na magkaganito
Hayaan mo na yakapin kita ng mahigpit
At pawiin ang mga luha sa iyong pisngi
Wala akong mga karanasan at payo na pwedeng ibahagi
Pero susubukan ko na
Baliktarin ang iyong simangot sa isang ngiti
Makatulungan sana nang kahit kaunti
Sa mga sugat mo na humahapdi

Ilagay mo ang iyong mga kamay
Sa akin
Ikaw ay aking hahawakan,
Hinding-hindi ka bibitawan
Ikaw ay sasamahan lakarin
Ang nakatakdang landas
Na kailangan **** tahakin
Sa dami ng mga lubak at lindol
Siguradong tayo'y madadapa rin
Pero huwag mo na 'yun isipin
Kasi anumang mangyari
Kahit kailan, kahit saan
**Ikaw ay aking iibigin

The harsh sun beat on your back
The wind blew away
Everything
You held on to
The ground shook you to your knees
And the people who you thought would help you up
Did not but tried to bury you down
So you ran inside
And slammed the door shut,
Adorned it with locks,
And laced it with chains
You swallowed the key
And huddled to yourself
At the far side of the room
And made yourself careful
Too careful
And not caring
Of me
Standing outside your door
Gently tapping on the cold old wood
Continuously whispering
"Let me in...
      Let me in...
            Let me in..."
Let me in
Because I know that inside that door
I will find a mind
Exploding with the greatest stories
On the genres adventure and comedy
I will find a heart
Glowing with the warm embers
Of devotion and love.
Sometimes
My tapping escalate into banging
And my whispering: too loud
Now I'm shouting
Because I get frustrated
Of the lies you've blinded yourself with
And made you too paralyzed to live.
You are wrong,
So wrong
When you think that
I'm here to laugh at you,
Because I'm here to laugh with you
When you think that
I'm here to take from you,
Because I'm here to share with you
When you think that
I like you,
Because actually
I love you.
And so I'm begging you
Please
"Let me in..."
      "Let me in..."
            "Let me in..."

Be the iron ore smelting in a crucible
Constantly being refined.
Ready to be molded into a mighty weapon.
Ready to be wielded in battle.
You possess a warm glow attracting.
And the lives that you touch
Burn along in love and
Melt along in awe of Glory.

Or

Be the brine drawn from the dark arctic depths,
With your cold pride
And salty apathy that leaves
Mouths and throats
Dry
And stirs bellies
To malfunction,
Then inaction.

But

Be not the stagnant puddle
Most toxic.
Reflecting heaven
But still clinging to the earth.
Collecting raindrops from the sky
Together with dirt from the soles of men.

For

Do not be lukewarm,
Neither hot nor cold,
For He will spit you out.