If I was dead,
And my bones adrift
Like dropped oars
In the deep, turning earth;

Or drowned,
And my skull
A listening shell
On the dark ocean bed;

If I was dead,
And my heart
Soft mulch
For a red, red rose;

Or burned,
And my body
A fistful of grit, thrown
In the face of the wind;

If I was dead,
And my eyes,
Blind at the roots of flowers
Wept into nothing,

I swear your love
Would raise me
Out of my grave,
In my flesh and blood,

Like Lazarus;
Hungry for this,
And this, and this,
Your living kiss.

I lock myself in places - so no one can see me crying,
So no one can see my tears
Or my pitiful face.
My mind explodes as my thoughts torment me
It all gets so overwhelming
And I can feel the tears prickling my eyes
I close them - and they sting
But no tears fall - although I can feel them,
Scoring their way down my cheeks
Outlining my faults,
Outlining my weaknesses,
And forcing me to atone for them
By keeping them suppressed in my ****** up mind
And not permitting my tears to fall...

These are my restricted tears.

I'm afraid to fall asleep
Because if I sleep
I'll dream
And if I dream
I'll dream only of you
Not of the way
That your smile is beautiful
Or the way that your laughter is contagious
No -
Instead, I'll dream
Corruptions
Tragedies
Fatal accidents
Yes -
The way you'll jump for your escape
By leaping from your chains
Or the way you'll jump for your life
By leaping to your death

Off a heightened building;

Or the way in which
Unknowingly
You'll drag me down along with you

*Because I can't live without you.

Whatever decision you make in life,
                                                       I'm going to support you.
If you fall,
               I'm going to be there to catch you.
When you cry,
                       I'm going to use my man voice and warm hugs to wipe your tears away...
                    and cry with you.
If you walk away,
                            I will follow you and stand by your side - always.

The feeling of sickness at the
Back of your throat
The back of your mind
The pit if your stomach.

The butterflies -
Not so pretty now
Bats -
Almost vampiric ones
That nibble at the
Lining of your abdomen
And cause you to lurch
Yourself forward.

Your legs shake uncontrollably
(sometimes)
Your hands as cold as ice
Pins and needles
Painful cramps
Aches.

As if your whole body
Threatens to collapse
Itself on top of you
And your brain is just
Ready to shut down

Any minute

The feeling of when you will burst
Explode
Become that butterfly,
Emerging from the cocoon
Except you're not at all
Majestic

...In any way...

You're just a ghost
- troubled
Trapped in a girl's body
Trying to find a way
To break free.

When I see you, my heart should beat faster,
My face should blush
My stomach should knot,
When our eyes meet, my eyelashes should flutter,
My heart skip a beat,
My breath should pause
When our hands touch, a warmth should spread through me,
I should awake inside,
Feel a connection and attraction .
When you hold me, I should feel happy, content,
You should smell like home,
I should look at you and feel...you're the ONE.
When we gaze deep into each others' eyes, we should feel longing,
We should feel love,
All the happy emotions flooding our bodies, our brains.
This is how I'll know if you're the ONE.

Maniba kiani © 20/07/13

Cry, cry as much as you want,
don’t stop till your eyelashes
are dry and until the mascara
isn’t on your face.
Cry till your cardy is soaked
up – wring it out – cry some
more.
Cry till your nose ceases to run
and you’re all blown out.
Cry till your eyes are dry
and your tear ducts are
no longer functioning.
Cry till you can’t cry no more...
and then...
Vow that you will never cry for the same reason ever again...

I'm fat and I'm ugly
My nose is way too short and way too stout
I have way more than a 'few' spots
My cheeks are like tomatoes
My double chin has an extra layer of fat
I have bingo wings
My thighs are just horribly massive
My fingers are pear shaped
I have moon feet
My stomach resembles dough being rolled
I hate looking like a packet of open biscuits
These are just some of my insecurities.

Worrying comes as second nature to some people,
Do not tell them to stop, if they knew how - don't you think they would have saved themselves from the heartache's that would ensue?
Worrying is inevitable;
The only difference is, it comes more naturally to some rather than others.
If you cross paths with a worrier - take my advice,
Leave them be.
One woman's worry can be another woman's sanctum.

A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.
She cries floods of tears and confronts her fears,
Yet she's labelled weak.
Weak, because she cries - or because she lies?
Because she actually cares or because she's just softhearted?
Yet - a woman is strong - if she cries
She portrays her emotions. She doesn't hold back.
Yet - when she's silent or doesn't show emotion -
She's weak.
Too weak to let out the pain? Or too strong to hold it in?

(To be continued)

It hurts
It hurts to see you go through this pain,
Everyday,
It hurts to see through your smile,
Through that hideous, exaggerated laughter of yours.
It hurts to see the truth behind those puppy dog eyes,
It hurts to see straight through your lies.
It hurts that you ATTEMPT to lie or cover up.
It hurts that you're up to the point where you CAN'T go on.
It hurts that my efforts are useless,
It hurts that I'm hurting you in the process,
It hurts that no matter how hard I try -
I'm pushing you further away.
It hurts that you can't talk to me.
It hurts that you can't even look me in the eye.
It hurts when you cry or experience pain.
I can't help but cry too, with you.
It's hurting.
It's hurting you...
It's hurting.

©Maniba Kiani  24/10/13

Bang, bang you're dead
Fifty bullets in your head
Your eyeball's flown - you're never going home,
Is this what you get for the bravery you've shown?

Bloodbath in the battlefield
Oh, no! You've lost your shield!
Bang, bang legs gone
Is this the pride they shone?

Ripped, torn, scattered
Hearts left shattered
Head's gone East, arm's gone west
Did you really think you could pass this test?

©Maniba Kiani, 2011

I see things,
Naked to the normal human eye.
I relive the past
And experience the future.
The strangest throbbing pain in my abdomen.
A slideshow of events screened inside my eyelids;
Shivers and shakes.
Convulsions.
Icicle tears.
My preparation for tomorrow,
For tomorrow;
Will come but with difficulty
For you and for me.

Some may call it de ja vu,
I call it premonition.

A funny concept indeed -
                 Some people invest in 'masks'
But you decided to keep your laughter
                 Shielding yourself from the prying eyes of the spectators.


(But I see right through it)

You know there's always that one person - who no matter how hard you try,
Not to, can so easily bring tears to your eye.
That same person who normally dries your tears and helps confront your fears, now how it hurts to know their arrow sears
Right through your heart
Though you're  faulty from the very start.
Conscience isn't the one to blame,
Digging up the past, and building the shame.
But questioning thin ice, knowing the answer,
Intimidating whilst fully aware...like the effect of a cancer.
Rage and fury building up inside,
Exploding, stating with nothing to hide.
The incentive, the issue, the vibe given off,
Having my breath caught in throat with a splutter and cough.
The mere poison - attacking my brain, who knew simple words could cause so much pain?
However, they can't  be retrieved from where they've been lain.
The message, so clearly set in stone,
Made me instantly press delete on the phone.
So I'm a liar, user, waster
It's gone way too far from a taster.
And now I've been hated, resented and cast aside,
You're no longer there for me in which to confide,
Now you have chosen Your side....just because I might've lied.

23:41   11/4/13

(Untitled)

You're my obsession
Worrying about you 24/7 has become my profession
Ain't no way to live through this discretion
I give you all my love and my passion,
Seeps through the holes in your ****** heart
Tape my confession.

Ain't afraid to stand up for the truth in this congregation,
With you by my side - I'd fight the whole ******* nation,
You smile with your mouth but your eyes are all sad
You thank me when I'm there - but when I'm gone - I bet you're glad
That I've left you alone - cursed to the bone,
Now you don't even wanna go to the place you call 'home.'

Late at night, I wish upon the stars, praying you're well - wherever you are,
Keep the hope in your heart and the truth on your tongue - keep your negative thoughts forever afar.
I said, there's always a lil' rainbow after a lil' rain
Can't ever feel no pleasure - without a bit of pain.
This lyrical fire - that I'm breathing now
Is just for you - I hope you got your sanctum now.

I feel your gaze, piercing my own stare
Your yellow, gaunt face
Hollow
Lifeless
Your eyes - no longer hold the dancing light
- even when you smile
Your fire is burning out.
When our cheeks touch and our bodies meet, (to embrace),
I can feel your collar bones poking my neck,
as you hold on tighter
I'm scared to exert the same force -
In case you lose the balance that you're hardly maintaining.
My hand traces your spine
How feeble and weak you are under those baggy clothes.
Your hips are like guns -
They're triggers
Mounted and transfixed on either side of you.

Feeding on air and water
How long will you last?
How long till you collapse?

I feel you weakening a little more - everyday
From a stick to a twig
Oh, so fragile
My china doll.

I attended the Poetry Live event at Leeds Town Hall on Wednesday 5th February (this week) and it was a spectacular event.
I witnessed readings from Carol Ann Duffy, Gillian Clarke, Simon Armitage, Jackie Kay, Imtiaz Dharker and John Agard. Each of these poets are a true inspiration for me and their work is absolutely amazing. My favourite reading was from John Agard, who is an incredible individual and great entertainer!

Art makes me smart
So I'm not like a jam ****.
Eating ice cream makes me beam
Like a beautiful queen.
Playing cool games with my friends
Brings up fashionable new trends.
Writing stories of all kinds
Helps me to open up my mind.
Wearing the mot gorgeous dress
Shining and glittering like a princess.
Baking stuff is so much fun
Especially when you make a delicious chocolate bun.
Watching action programmes on TV
Helps me learn great moves from Jet Li.
Seeing birds flying high, spreading their wonderful wings,
These are some of my favourite things.

Your face would make the angels weep,
And Satan lose his stride.
Your tears could fill the oceans,
Now, you cannot, cannot hide.

Your bloodshot eyes
your heart wrenching cries
your terrified screams
your suicidal dreams
your uncontrollable gasps for air
your stringy, limp strands of hair
The arched movement of your vertebrate
The silent, lonely corners where you go to contemplate
Your weak and feeble stance
Your affectionate romance
Your odour of camouflaged sadness
Your fear of your own madness
Your electric shock waves making you jolt
Your denial of sugar and of salt
The panic rise in your brain you sense
The moment of relapse, for the pain to cease and the calm to commence.

I knew what the outcome would be
But I still continued with my curiosity
Fate lying there like an invisible open book,
How I wish I could just take a little look.
I knew the path I took was hurtful,
Now I am the one who's resentful.
All my intentions backfiring on me,
I've tried so hard - can nobody see?
How can I move on with a chapter missing?
How can I let go when I only know how to hold on?...

©Maniba Kiani

The poison is attacking her brain
forcing her to feel things,
things that disturb her -
thinking
she struggles to breathe
a match between her life and insanity
she's gasping, now
I can't get it to stop
It hurts to unsee
these things I've seen
forcing free her grasp
delicately - as if she were a flower
slowly now
slowly
it stops
she stops
she can breathe again.

I permit them to spout out of my skin
- growing longer and sharper.
Claws.
They hack at my skin
Like peeling back the layers of an onion;
One by one.
I used to wince - but now there's pleasure in this pain.
When I'm bored: Soft, circular gnawing.
When I'm nervous: Digging deep into my wounds.
When I'm over thinking: Turning the skin on my fingers, **red.

The acrid smoke burns my throat
Polluting my lips,
My tongue,
Leaving behind a trail of bitterness
Down my oesophagus.
I feel the ash rising in my lungs
Hot, acidic, molten;
I draw in breath -
Coughing -
Inhaling -
Exhaling.
Exchanging my thoughts for those poisonous fumes
That dance in my air passage
Each breath feels like a release
As each ash particle falls and forms a clenched fist
Around my black lungs.

My angel without wings
One winged angel
You fly to me through the stormy
skies and blackened nights
I hear your voice, your soft whisper
Nearby
Except...It's the voice that's already in my head.

You pierced it,
Punctured it,
Poked it.
I forgave you.

You slit it,
Shattered it,
Shredded it.
I forgave you.

You ripped it,
Tore it,
Scattered it.
I still forgive you.

"You jump, I jump
Remember"

Clinging on for dear life
Too scared to look up
Or look down
I concentrate on your terrified eyes the tears streaming down your face
"Look at me"
"Trust me"
"Give me your hand"
"I'll never let you go"
Whispering soothing words and giving you the hope to leap
"I can't do it, I can't jump"
"Yes you can - you trust me, don't you?"
"Yes"
I grip your hand tight
You scream
And scream
And scream
We're flying now
"I've got you"
"Sshh..it's ok - it's over, we did it"
I cup your face and gaze with pride in my eyes
"You did it"

"You jump, I jump
Remember"*

This is the Leap of Faith.

...Writer's block...

No one can measure the amount of love a heart can hold -
Not yet.
No one can measure the quickened pace as you walk by,
Or the shortness in my breath as your hair sweeps past me.
Nothing.
Not even the tiniest tear that forms
At the corner of my eye,
When you shock me with a glance, a touch
Coldness or warmth
You amaze me
With your inability to realise how much
I love you.

Sadness has always been a legacy of the past, but isn't that because we dwell on it too much?
Over trivial matters, our minds will become restless, we'll lose sleep - only to find ourselves in a worse case than what we were in before. We rewind those fragments of conversations and utter them, singling out every little detail, recalling our emotions and feelings, recreating that scene once more...over a million times we'll try but that's never how the real conversation will go, is it? It will be an example of your yet to come worst case scenario. Anticipation will sink in and you'll find yourself  contorted with a dilemma, segregating your brain from your heart. This is where the logic doesn't kick in. For the brain knows what's best, yet the heart knows how it will content you. In the end, whatever twisted decision you have to make, you have to live with it. For regrets are simply the pains of the memory. It's intriguing how certain memories have the ability to control your emotions, your life today as you know it. They force you to feel sadness, worthlessness, hatred, resentment, anger - yet can be thwarted to make you feel content, proud, happy, special and can lift your mood in an instant. See, that's why these 'memories' make us smile in the middle of troubled times to provide us with hope that everything happens for a reason. Which it does, which is why dwelling on the past isn't giving us the ability to face our tomorrow, it's merely steering us away from it.  For instance, if you tell a joke, people will laugh; as you continue telling this joke again and again, few people will continue to laugh, until everyone stops. If we can't laugh at the same thing over and over again, why do we spend our nights crying over the same things over and over again? Leave behind the dwellings and live life with no regrets. ✌

Why my flashbacks hurt so much
I don't know
Why I remember the negative so clearly and the positive as a major blur -
I don't know
Why I know secrets that hurt and
Can't outweigh them with jokes
I don't know
Why I can't pretend like you do
(Used to)
Anymore
I don't know
Why I'm not as strong as I used to be
And can't cope
I don't know.

She's right -
I'm trying to fix you,
But you're broken beyond repair.
That doesn't stop me trying
To glue together your shattered heart, 
 with my love.
Though, sometimes, it may seem as if my love is temporary and that's why the cracks bleed
Of your insecurities;
And once again your heart shatters
Scattering my love with your broken dreams
And once again I'll pick up the pieces and build up your heart again -
With my love and utter devotion.

Anxiously waiting until it breaks again...

I ask you
         No answer
I ask you
         I wince.

I smile
   You don't
I stop
   You look away.

I laugh
   You laugh
You cry
         I cry.

I stare
   You see
I smile
   You wink...

I stroke your cool, cold spine
As I envisage our journey together
Through all the ******* and the lies
Through all the memories and the highs
Thought to pen
Pen to paper
The cycle continues

~ but which cycle is it going to be?

When words are shot at you
                                                    you cry bullet tears.

No one notices, she thinks,
No one cares, she thinks,
No one understands, she thinks,
No one believes, she thinks,

But I do

I notice the pain in your eyes - everyday,
I truly care - I always will,
I do understand - and I accept the facts,
I do believe - I always have.