Dear Mr. Styles,

To some you are just a member of a UK boy band
but to me you are so much more
Your voice has put together pieces of my heart
and brought my soul back to life
Your personality has given me courage
to treat myself with respect
The way you carry yourself has inspired me to be strong without being prideful
Your sense of humor has caused me to laugh through tears
The things you say during interviews are so random
It's the way you make me feel good about being different
that makes me proud to be a part of the One Direction fandom
You have taught me to not be ashamed to want to be with a decent man
whenever I was feeling down you, Liam, Zayn, Niall and Louis
were all there to hold my hand
It's because of you I have learned to stand up for myself
and not take **** from anybody
You have done more than just make music
you have reminded me that I am somebody who can do amazing things in this life
Thank you for always staying grounded
and not allowing fame to turn you into an *******
Happy 22nd Birthday
You are loved immensely


(Every woman has a celebrity crush who makes her feel great about herself. Mine is Harry Styles.)

It is 3:09 in the morning
Law and order plays on my TV
I just finished my third glass of wine
I am so lonely
I listened to One Direction for an hour
their music fills the holes in my heart
I am ready for bed, I feel myself getting sleepy
but I can't bring myself to lie down
I feel my legs getting cold
it's raining outside
I wish there was someone here to hold me
I hate sleeping in such a big bed all by myself
I wish I had someone to share it with
I have so much on my mind
it's causing me anxiety
I watch commercials trying to distract myself
from feeling so lonely

I am terrified of love
The thought of a man loving me unconditionally terrifies me
I would rather be alone and miserable than face my fear
I am such a ******* coward

(The things you write about when you are under the influence)

Having a baby is not a decision to be taken lightly
Everything changes when you have a baby
Your relationship with your lover changes
Your finances change
Your social life changes
Your body changes
Your view of the world changes
Your priorities change
It's not just about you anymore
Whether you keep your baby or abort it
that moment when you find out you are pregnant stays with you forever
Whether you decide to give your child up for adoption or keep it
that choice you make will impact you forever
For nine months nothing is in your control
even though the choices you make are healthy ones there is no guarantee of a positive outcome
When your baby is here you are a parent not just for the next eighteen years but for the rest of your life
Everything you do, everything you say, every person you surround yourself with, every decision you make, every mistake you make will impact your child in some way
From the time your baby takes it's first breath
your life is changed
From the moment you hear a heartbeat your life is no longer yours
Having a baby is not like ordering something off of a McDonald's menu
It is a decision that should be thought about and weighed carefully because once you make that choice you cannot go back
There is no break from being a parent
There is no vacation
There are women struggling to have children and get nowhere while women who don't care are given babies like it's nothing
I don't know if that is a cruel joke made by God but it ****** me off that children some who are not even a day old
are being neglected because their parents don't think or care about the consequences of their actions
A baby is not a toy
A baby is a human being who will one day grow up to make a difference in this world
That is a huge responsibility
I don't have children
I don't want any children
I don't know if I am meant to have children or not
If I did however choose to have a child
I will make sure to be 100% ready not just for myself
but for my child who deserves nothing but the best

He confessed to me that he wants to commit suicide
I told him that he shouldn't do that
He said he was tired of fighting this constant battle known as depression
I told him I understood the battle he was fighting
He began to tell me how exhausted he was
He is tired of the therapy, the medication, the hoping that things will get better
He admitted to accepting the fact that his depression will never go away
He understands that it is a part of him and that there is no cure for it
He also admitted that he gets angry when people get mad at him for feeling this way because they think he's selfish but then again they are not in his shoes so they can't understand what he's going through
He's right
When you're tired,  you're tired
A person can only take so much
It's hard fighting something that can't be seen physically
You can try to explain in every way possible but you can never truly understand it unless you live through it
I don't care how long you went to college for
I don't care how many people you know with the same problem
IT IS NOT THE SAME
YOU HAVE TO LIVE IT
I am against suicide but who am I to deny someone of wanting peace
I can only do so much
I think locking someone away is cruel
I think it makes people worse when they are forced to live with something they don't want to live with but at the same time I think it's important to keep fighting
I admitted to him that I think his decision to die was stupid
I also admitted that I didn't like seeing him in so much emotional pain
It is selfish to **** yourself because it hurts so many people but it's also selfish to want to see someone suffer so much just so you don't have to lose them
He told me his awful secret of wanting to die
I told him my opinion
As messed up as this subject is a person will do what they want to do
I confessed to him that I don't support his decision but if he wants to go then to go
I told him to not tell me when he was going to do it
I also told him that I was going to tell someone his plans and that even though I was breaking a trust I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do anything to stop him
Does it make me a bad person for understanding his reason for his plans?
Does it make me a horrible person to want him to stay and suffer when he has tried everything to get better?
Suicide is a topic so painful it's enough to devastate a person for the rest of their life
It's a topic as fragile as abortion, ****, war and other devastating topics that shake a person's world

I got a phone call at 4:13 this morning from his mother telling me he had killed himself
I fell apart with the realization I will never speak to my best friend again
I was also relieved to know he was not in any more pain
Does that make me a horrible person?

A man called me white trash the other night
I'm not one to let other people's words get into my head but
on the night those words were said
My stress level was already sky high
My depression wouldn't leave me alone which caused me to have anxiety attacks up the ***
Stress causes me to be weak
That comment "white trash" was enough to send me down a depressing spiral
I am obsessed with how the world sees me now
Am I white trash?
Am I a ******* who is dumb enough to think I can be anything great in this world?
Am I just a waste of space because that is how I feel
I feel like my presence is an annoyance to everyone I come in contact with
I can ask people these questions but their answers won't make my thoughts of being a mistake go away
I am questioning my existence
I know better than to listen to some *******
I'm better than this yet something inside me broke when I heard those words
"White trash"
That's what all of the guys in middle school and high school used to call me
I feel like a cheap piece of *** who deserves nothing but garbage because obviously that is what I am
I'm garbage
I know I sound ridiculous
I feel ridiculous for wasting my energy writing a poem about it but it hurts
My heart hurts
My self esteem hurts
Everything hurts
Feeling like your not good enough hurts
I am so tired of feeling like I am never good enough

I hate ***
It's everywhere
It's all anybody thinks about
I find it disgusting that no one can do anything anymore
without feeling the need to rip their clothes off
I have a hard enough time looking at myself naked in the mirror
how the hell should I let a man see me exposed
I would rather jump off of a cliff
than let a man see me without my clothes
The thought of letting a human being into my personal space
is like an anxiety attack that can't be calmed
*** does nothing but create problems
in which someone is left emotionally harmed
The pressure to have *** is so intense
I don't think I can handle it
I honestly would be perfectly happy
if I never had to engage in it
I feel bad for women who feel the need to have ***
just to feel significant in this world
When people bring up the subject of ***
it's enough to make me want to puke
I don't know why I dislike *** so much
it's a topic that throws me into a state of panic
It ***** that nowadays a relationship doesn't mean ****
unless the guy your with has seen you naked