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mal frost Oct 2019
i need a resistor because
every time we touch
the current burns us up
acrid plastic smoke wisping around us
you don't care

i need to resist(her) because
every second together is
short circuiting my life
mal frost Nov 2019
eyelids flutter
silent like the birds
the hum of electricity
inhabits the void of noise
and you look out into the sky
somewhere, someplace
the stars twinkle at you
as if to say
"keep searching"
mal frost Dec 2020
i want to live so long -  no, so much -
that i stop getting sick of life
that i find myself in love,
with everyone and everything,
always,
and that i know who i am and who i want to be
until the end.
"You see, Mr. Barnes, it is because I have lived very much that now I can enjoy everything so well. Don't you find it like that?"
from p.67, The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
mal frost Jan 2021
oh, how i've pondered on you,
and yet the more i think about you the more
you elude me,
until i realized i'll never stop thinking of you,
my sweet love,
and you'll only grow more elusive,
more unknown,
more full of potential,
until i join you in infinity,
forever together.
we don't die alone. we die together.
mal frost Feb 2021
that i dance
through time and space
chaos and order swirl eternally

thinking and dreaming,
worrying and scheming,

writing and creating,
erasing and destroying,

loving and laughing,
hating and fighting

everything that I will do,
I have already done.

and everything I have already done,
I will do.

and then maybe i'll get a breather.
the eternal braid
mal frost May 2021
and i tripped down into the rabbit hole
alice in wonderland,
except i seem to be the mad hatter,
flying through space and time on psychedelic trips
mal frost Mar 2019
the soft white sheen of
night lights, bouncing off your skin
mingling with the warm scent of lilies
and vanilla
mal frost Dec 2019
hey, me
i hope you smile
and beam with glee
for every mile
that you shall see
is all worthwhile
for you are me
and i
love
you
to be read in 23 hours and something minutes
mal frost Feb 2021
when's the last time
you closed your eyes
in silence
and thought?

not slept
thought.

and kept thinking.

and keep thinking!
AND KEEP THINKING!

and keep....
thinking...

thinking.
“A noted chemist once crossed swords with Sri Yukteswar. The visitor would not admit the existence of God, inasmuch as science has devised no means of detecting Him."

"So you have inexplicably failed to isolate the Supreme Power in your test tubes!" Master's gaze was stern. "I recommend an unheard-of experiment. Examine your thoughts unremittingly for twenty-four hours. Then wonder no longer at God's absence.”

Excerpt From: Paramahansa Yogananda. “Autobiography of a Yogi.”
mal frost Dec 2020
i can look in the mirror and i love myself
so much,
and you can call it anti social
but i'll take that every time,
locked away in my fortress of solitude
mal frost Oct 2020
to breathe,
pause -


and get back in the race.
mal frost Apr 2021
in song we dance
Behold our busy chorus!
Down by the brook we prance
We touch with steady voice
Making a word from the drums.
Recorder of chant! I invite you,
return a song to my ear;
A sound alone that floats
A music of silence in my heart
mal frost Sep 2020
and i write,
like a madman grasping for scraps
of sanity

and i write,
because i'm not okay,
and i might never be

and i write,
as my tears well up,
held back by ignorance and pride

and i write,
when this absurdity overwhelms me,
and panic takes hold of me

and i write,
so i can explore always,
for where can you go when it's all in your head?

and i write...
so i write.
<3 4:01 AM
mal frost Feb 2021
i thought to myself,
maybe i can live my life trying to change people's lives
for the better
because that's pretty noble. and if everyone did that, everyone would give each other happiness, and happiness given is a thousand times sweeter than happiness taken.
how many people's lives have i touched? how many for the better?
hopefully most of them.
mal frost Apr 2019
11 pm
weary after a day of work
i sip some chamomile
and lie in bed
hoping
tonight will be different

4:40 am
the summer's impending blessing of light
terrifies me
as I watch the moonlight drown
in a brightening sky

5:30 am
any second now,
I still have time
but the chirps and tweets of the early bird
put out the last light of hope.

tonight will be different.
the morning songs of bird carry with them a finality to those who cannot sleep- better luck next time
mal frost Mar 2021
we will find god,
the final liberator
or the ultimate tyrant,

who shall lead us into heaven
or cast us into hell
the ultimate judge of
"do we try this again"?
random thoughts
mal frost Dec 2020
my mother looks me in the eyes,
and tells me i'm the reason she wants to **** herself.
mal frost Feb 2020
reject: (verb)
to dismiss as inadequate, unacceptable, or faulty.

and in the worlds of the night
they dismiss me
again,
and again,
and again

only in my dreams
i thrash and fight and scream and cry and howl and-
struggle, letting it all out

but in my waking life,
i sit here in silent retreat
a shell, dead to the world
buried underneath regrets and fears
buried alive.
mal frost Sep 2020
and i play my own music
late night talks and midnight walks
"these days don't end"
and we won't ever let them
mal frost Feb 2021
to my humanity
for dear life
as I disassociate more and more
abstraction upon abstraction
to infinity!
and beyond.
how i feel after spending too long reading philosophy and logic texts
mal frost Jun 2019
a single bead
of cold sweat
t
  r
    i
      c
         k
            l
              e
                 s
                
                  d
                  o
                  w
                  n
my forehead
      
it's time.
trying some new things out
mal frost Apr 2021
i was a poet from the start
a romantic at heart

where others saw, i dreamed
while many sought, i cleaned
my soul
from the sins and pains assigned to me from birth
for a half life of evil, i earned the right to search

and i found
myself.
mal frost Feb 2020
i almost cried yesterday
came a bit closer today, too
but i don't feel any more alive

where are you?

i used to hope
a light in every morning
that rose with the sun

staying in more, alone with my thoughts
i even talked to myself yesterday
out loud and all.

i know you're out there,
i know. i know. i know.

the summer haze that soothed my mind
is sorely missed,
for the winter winds keep me up
the rain against my window
tearing the lullaby of silence apart.

i stood on that ledge, 3 am
swatting away mosquitoes
a cigarette between my lips
trying to wake myself up
it's too early to be tired,
keep going.

keep searching.

dead man walking,
wake me up when I find you.
mal frost Sep 2020
i suppose i've never really loved myself
but at least I used to pretend that I did
mal frost Dec 2019
eyes,
make dusty cries
as the sweet winter winds f l o a t
through the tropical waters
mingling with the pina colada
and the warm sands
shaking the coconuts from the trees
mal frost Nov 2019
the face in the mirror looks like ****
thoughts ravage my mind : restless
the man in the mirror is a ***
doubts trash my dreams : eternal
the eyes in the mirror, dull and numb
disassociation floats me away : gone.
mal frost Feb 2021
i am not my parts
i am the sum of my parts.
mal frost Mar 2019
pencil eraser, whiteboard eraser,
gum eraser,
vinyl eraser, kneaded eraser-
hell, all i need is a
memory eraser,
to eraseher
:)
mal frost Mar 2019
i try my best
(to try my best)

crumpled papers litter
my trash can

long lost post-it's
with forgotten goals

distant dreams
left in the dust

i'll do it!
tomorrow.
mal frost Sep 2019
here i sit, once again
jitters have me drop my pen
the weather frigid, yet still i sweat
and tears drip out of eyes dead set
skin flushed red by stress and fear
i know i'm close -
i hope i'm near
mal frost Nov 2021
i'm still searching,
relentlessly
mal frost Mar 2019
coastal waters clear as
clouds, drifting above
radiant sun drowned
desolate ship on the horizon
bobbing, floating,
with the tide
mal frost Mar 2021
as the world thaws
from our solemn interlude
it's fitting that this is the first spring i've seen
since I was a young child,
before I was whisked away to a land far from here,
where the winters were frostless,
and the summers endless,
a collage of sand storms and ocean breezes,
desert winds i now mourn.

and yet here i am,
back in the country of my childhood,
in the most inexplicable of times.

the winter was colder than anything I ever felt,
even though the city where I grew up was farther up north,

maybe because I don't have the warmth of home anymore,
an idea I lost long ago when my house became a battleground,

for what is the cold but a lack of movement?
and in the pandemic, we all stopped moving,
humanity, collectively, was FLASH FROZEN
and then began to thaw,
gently, in some places,
only to be frozen again.

some people feared the freeze.
i detested it. i feel robbed. broken. it's not fair.

but i understand, now, that the coldest winters bring the fairest springs,
and as we begin to trickle and f
                                                        l o
                                                            w
         back into our daily lives, we musn't forget
     that we're all just part of the glacier
           rivulets melting and rushing down into the abyssal depths,
faster and faster and faster,

so flow!
    and morph and dance and give life!
like the waters that sustain us,
the rivers we rush down are more exciting than ever,
don't forget to enjoy the ride,
and find your peace in the deepest winters and the most endless summers.
mal frost Mar 2019
a fuchsia blossom sways in the wind
vivid blue feathers float down
from the old oak
as it sheds its leaves

winter winds blow
upon the trees
coaxing creaks and cracks
from the poplar grove

the hummingbird's heartbeat
flutters with its wings

so cold.
mal frost Mar 2019
cooking me up
burning,
sweating.
itching,
scratching.
aching,
twisting.

hal­ogen light pours out and fills the room
drowning me in incandescent heat
turn it off!
01100100 01111001 01110011 01110000 01101000 01101111 01110010 01101001 01100011
mal frost Mar 2021
we are machines that collect information
that is being destroyed

we try to preserve this information
try to understand it
but from our perspective,
entropy is irreversible.

it's the great pity of it all.
we exist only as machinations of the universe,
in this loop,
perhaps our brains simply aren't meant to see time backwards
time isn't backwards, then.

so what happens, then?
heat death of the universe, i guess.

and then what?
nothing, probably because it won't happen
why?
well, to that i ask,
why not?

i don't think humans will be immortal in the sense that we live in biological bodies forever.

i think we'll co exist, as beautiful creators in the stars,
painting beautiful pictures,
faster and faster,
like shooting stars in a galaxy of light
painting until time itself stretches into eternity
with our generations of infinite beauty
and that
will be heaven,
where all our thoughts are remembered,
and reconstructed,
a museum of gorgeous paintings
a library of the most beautiful stories,
a collage of the most pure moments.

and we'll be there, my dear,
framed forever,
you and me,
and our family.
why not?
mal frost Feb 2020
i'm somewhere else
used to think it was serenity
but i'm just numb

there is no peace in the void
no calm in the lifeless abyss
behind these dead eyes

a glazed gaze like two little windows
on a foggy morning
concealing the chaos
inside.
here, but not here.
mal frost Mar 2020
i'm cursed to feel
EXTREME!
soaring love and burning wrath
i overheat, shut d
                               o
                                 w
                                    n

- for a bit
wilting, into the cold,
numb until
         I

    g      i     e!
i      n      t
once more
mal frost Oct 2019
i sit in a chair
far too firm
and lie on a bed
far too soft

i shovel food into my mouth
far too cold
and take a shot
far too warm

i think of the future
far too fast
and dwell in the past
far too slow

where are you, middle bear?
my life is not a light switch
please let me find you.
mal frost Jul 2019
i miss our three am conversations
you used to stay up when I couldn't sleep
now i just talk to myself about life

i miss our inside jokes
you used to laugh with me
now i try to smile a bit when i remember one

i miss the photos we exchanged daily
you used to send photos of your face, too
now i try to hold on to them in my dreams

i miss the adventures we used to plan
you used to swear we would hang out
now i've already been on them all alone

i still have those movie tickets,
funny how things always turn out like this, I mean...
I get it, you're busy, but-
can't you at least talk?

(read 10h ago.)
how can you just stop talking to someone you talked to everyday for months?
mal frost Mar 2020
is sorely missed.                                                                        !
                                                                                                   P
i used to believe life was a rollercoaster that only went U
but now i feel the free fall

i'm not talking about my mind -
that's always been an up and down thing,
a perpetual warzone...

no, i mean actual life -
friends,
girls,
sports,
colleges,

i used to believe that I had the TALENT, I worked hard enough -
but now I feel the sting of rejection, the pain of failure

not one, but many, constant, unceasing,
a tide of regret washes over me
i wish it would just drown me already
mal frost Jan 2021
she is!
to risk it all or play it safe?
that is the question.
mal frost Mar 2021
and His light has finally pierced
my clouds
once more,

in due time,
perhaps I can still find peace.
mal frost Oct 2021
i always wanted to do them

and, for a long time,
       I thought myself great

yet, the more I chased greatness
the more it eluded me,

until I found myself to be not unlike a
pretty face with nothing behind it

I will never be great,
the chase for perfection is ceaseless
at least now, I can stop trying to make myself perfect
a rather egotistical approach to these things, in my opinion

instead, I want to make the things I put out into this world great
and they can be,
because my ego isn't attached to them
and so they're freer from myself than I could ever be

and that, to me,
is perfection
a perfectionist's ramblings
mal frost Nov 2021
(1)  your love

burns brighter than the
sun on a summer solstice
your kiss, radiant

(2) your smile

the sweetest solace
thawing me from permafrost
your eyes, twinkling stars

(3) your mind

an ethereal sea
glimmering with dusk's moonlight
your thoughts, deep currents

(4) your soul

stirs the sands off mine
spirits dancing in the wind
our hearts, intertwined
the girl I love is mad at me, so I wrote these. going to write them on the back of some photos of us and give them to her tomorrow on a picnic.
mal frost Aug 2019
relief crumpled
itself
into pieces
left meaningless,
equally askew
as it had always been
don't worry about not worrying
mal frost Aug 2020
to me
happy birthday
to me
i lived one more year
let's hope for the next three
mal frost Oct 2018
joy fleeting like smoke
exhaled away and lost to me
gone in the wind like
a ghost in the air, right through my fingers
catch it for me
i can't.
sometimes i feel like we can only be happy for short periods of time, and we have to let it go so we can feel it again.
mal frost Oct 2021
i feel him, even now
somewhere, deep in the depths of my mind
is a small boy
buried six feet deep in a coffin
carved of bone

i hear him, even now
screaming and scratching
(in vain)
his anguish muffled by the wooden planks
above

on those rare nights when he breaks out
clawing up through the dirt and mud
gasping for air through the floor
he finds himself in a manor of memories

a house, of sorts,
thoroughly haunted,
locked away in a labyrinth of logic
each recollection rationalized to high hell and back

sins from my father and violence from my mother
ghosts of the past,
troubled thoughts and painful words
etched into my existence
forever

and the nightmares begin to scream, too
demons and ghouls crawling out of the shattered mirrors
beckoning to the frightened boy
to join them

i hate him, even now
for the cold sweats that
he sends to me, a soul frightful
damaged beyond repair

and so I close my eyes
taking a deep breath
making my way through the maze
untouched by the shadows that torment him
for i am a shadow, myself

knocking down the door,
he looks to me,
with tearful amber eyes
and pleads for sweet release
"friend, please."

if I knew how, I would.

shovel in hand
i drag him back down,
kicking, screaming,
begging

and bury him alive once more.
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