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Dec 2021 · 314
metamorphosis
mal frost Dec 2021
i need it, so bad.

I want to change how others perceive me

fine tune it,

draw a pretty picture for the world to see,

and so I list all my defects -- mental and physical --
certain things about the way I look, think, and act

and their solutions

procedures, drugs, lifestyle changes,

and i work on ticking off every item in the list

yet I do wonder, sometimes

if it'll all be in vain

if, perhaps, happiness lies in acceptance

I'm afraid I'm too brash to accept that fact itself, at least for now.

Instead, I'll keep believing that it lies in the pursuit of perfection,
and I'll keep weaving my cocoon from the world,
waiting, patiently,
for the day I may emerge and be content
maybe even proud

of my metamorphosis
Nov 2021 · 272
haikus for your heart
mal frost Nov 2021
(1)  your love

burns brighter than the
sun on a summer solstice
your kiss, radiant

(2) your smile

the sweetest solace
thawing me from permafrost
your eyes, twinkling stars

(3) your mind

an ethereal sea
glimmering with dusk's moonlight
your thoughts, deep currents

(4) your soul

stirs the sands off mine
spirits dancing in the wind
our hearts, intertwined
the girl I love is mad at me, so I wrote these. going to write them on the back of some photos of us and give them to her tomorrow on a picnic.
Nov 2021 · 542
pool house -> numb
mal frost Nov 2021
kids on the lawn,
stuck in their pairs of two...

I had a pool house, once
took it for granted,

and now I live it out in my memories
the bad days became the good ones

and the good ones the bad

funny how that works, isn't it?

I've never felt such happiness
nor such pain,

I imagine it only gets worse

my only solution is to become numb.
Nov 2021 · 476
find me, please
mal frost Nov 2021
i'm still searching,
relentlessly
Nov 2021 · 323
way with words
mal frost Nov 2021
what use is it, though?

when I use it to conceal the real me from those I love,
        - not by choice, but by circumstance

what use is it, though?

when I use it to reach the ends I seek,
       - not through virtue, but through wrath

I tear and I thrash,
knowing that,
one day.

I will have to let go of it all.
i love her.
she's too good for me, though

will I have to let her go or will I be better?

what does better mean?
Oct 2021 · 1.3k
haunted // buried alive
mal frost Oct 2021
i feel him, even now
somewhere, deep in the depths of my mind
is a small boy
buried six feet deep in a coffin
carved of bone

i hear him, even now
screaming and scratching
(in vain)
his anguish muffled by the wooden planks
above

on those rare nights when he breaks out
clawing up through the dirt and mud
gasping for air through the floor
he finds himself in a manor of memories

a house, of sorts,
thoroughly haunted,
locked away in a labyrinth of logic
each recollection rationalized to high hell and back

sins from my father and violence from my mother
ghosts of the past,
troubled thoughts and painful words
etched into my existence
forever

and the nightmares begin to scream, too
demons and ghouls crawling out of the shattered mirrors
beckoning to the frightened boy
to join them

i hate him, even now
for the cold sweats that
he sends to me, a soul frightful
damaged beyond repair

and so I close my eyes
taking a deep breath
making my way through the maze
untouched by the shadows that torment him
for i am a shadow, myself

knocking down the door,
he looks to me,
with tearful amber eyes
and pleads for sweet release
"friend, please."

if I knew how, I would.

shovel in hand
i drag him back down,
kicking, screaming,
begging

and bury him alive once more.
Oct 2021 · 415
great things // perfection
mal frost Oct 2021
i always wanted to do them

and, for a long time,
       I thought myself great

yet, the more I chased greatness
the more it eluded me,

until I found myself to be not unlike a
pretty face with nothing behind it

I will never be great,
the chase for perfection is ceaseless
at least now, I can stop trying to make myself perfect
a rather egotistical approach to these things, in my opinion

instead, I want to make the things I put out into this world great
and they can be,
because my ego isn't attached to them
and so they're freer from myself than I could ever be

and that, to me,
is perfection
a perfectionist's ramblings
Oct 2021 · 187
i want to break free
mal frost Oct 2021
throw my phone on airplane mode
start anew
with her, of course

i dream of countless futures
and try to build the ones where we can be together

i don't want to give up on that dream,
not now,
not ever.

sometimes I feel like maybe it's destined
maybe this already happened and I'm just slowly remembering it
a helpless passenger in the grips of time

in which case,
hopefully it'll be a fun ride
Oct 2021 · 136
sunset rollercoaster
mal frost Oct 2021
it scares me, sometimes
how much I need you

i know i haven't always treated you fairly
and not a day goes by
without my thoughts being stirred into a frenzy
into guilt, regret
paranoia, sometimes.

i love you, though
like i've never loved before,
and I know we're young and foolish,
but I always will
because you're a part of me, now

and all I could ever ask for
is to love and be loved,
because you are my redeemer, my darling

and the world could be ours, one day
we could go anywhere,
do anything,
be anyone,
together

but until then, I'll keep riding this wave with you
and we'll paint our sunset in all our favorite hues
a rollercoaster of serenity on the path to infinity
Oct 2021 · 152
remembering
mal frost Oct 2021
and I can recall it perfectly
we must have met in a dream, once
in my ethereal wanderings
I remember being with you
we were in a park
pushing ourselves back and forth on a swing set for two

and I turned to you,
the sun beaming down on us
your hair glittering in gold
skin glowing like the moon on those rare summer nights

and I asked if you were real,
not an uncommon question
i had been a lucid dreamer for quite a while by then
wary of the characters spawned by my subconscious

and you smiled at me,
ever so radiant,
and answered, your voice angelic as always
"someday"

and I waited my life for you,
and now you're here,
the past four months showed me heaven is real
and it all begins here on Earth, with us side by side

and i beamed back at you,
knowing we wouldn't be apart and alone forever
i love you, my darling
and i always will


happy four months <3
you are the 0 to my 1
i really love this girl and i don't want to ever lose her. it scares me but I love it.
Sep 2021 · 181
i'm coming clean.
mal frost Sep 2021
i brought you back the prey you always told me to ****,
yet you were horrified at what I had to become

the hunt changed me,
as it always does,
but it was all your doing, you cruel, selfish, horrific excuse
for a guardian,

feeding me all the wrong reasons to live
teaching me all the right ways to sin,
trying to keep me under your thumb like a tack

i'm almost free, now

i know you sense it

so long isn't so far away, after all
The only difference between life and dying
Is one is trying, that's all we're called to do
Sep 2021 · 297
thousand petaled lotus
mal frost Sep 2021
you are the soul i’ve searched for,
far more beautiful and capable than I could ever even imagine,
although i’ll tell you,
again and again,
as the heat of the summer envelopes us,
just how gorgeous you are
and how i’m yours, now and forever,

every memory with you a dazzling display,
a kaleidoscope of water lilies in bloom
you are my crown chakra,
my Sahasrara,
my thousand petaled lotus,
each petal a moment more beautiful than the last
timeless, immanent,
a respite in the deserts of my existence,
that I once mistook for a mirage,
thinking it to be almost too good to be true.

but now, with the patience and faith you taught me to find for myself,
we bloom,
sacred flower and thorned rose,
in our own Garden of Eden
poem i wrote for someone special a while back... just celebrated three months with her the other day  :)
Sep 2021 · 116
I'm back!
mal frost Sep 2021
was locked out of my account
for a while

hopefully i can pick this back up,
it's been tough without it
May 2021 · 74
meditations
mal frost May 2021
i am a thing that thinks
that thinks about thinking and making things think
(i study AI/cognitive science)
mal frost May 2021
and i tripped down into the rabbit hole
alice in wonderland,
except i seem to be the mad hatter,
flying through space and time on psychedelic trips
May 2021 · 73
how can you love me?
mal frost May 2021
when the only reason you like me
is because you don't know me,
because the real me,
the broken me,
The past me,
Slumbers,
I wipe him away every morning with a lungful of smoke.

how can you like me?
when the only reason you stand me
is because you don't know me,
because I sit there in silence so often
you say I'm so quiet, you've never heard me raise my voice
May 2021 · 468
the war has ended.
mal frost May 2021
the great war,
my war,

against my parents
and my family,

my culture,
and my heritage,

our religions,
and our God

has come to a screeching halt at the doors of the Ultimate Truth.
and thus I was transformed,
I feel like a child again, now,
impure in actions
but pure in belief

and my tattered past led me to it,
so to all my sins,

thank you.

to all my enemies,

thank you.

to all my friends and my lovers and my family

thank you .

and,
of course, last but not least,
to the Truth that hides beneath the illusion of our existence,
guiding us mercifully -- to where, we know not -- to the Absolute and the Negation of Nothingness, bringer of Unity and founder of the school of thought known as Logic and Reason

thank you.
I left high school feeling lost, searching desperately for something -- what , I knew not.
After many spiritual journeys (although I didn't realize they were spiritual at times) I have finally found it, and now I feel empowered to live my life in control instead of feeling like I was in the backseat.
Apr 2021 · 199
day one
mal frost Apr 2021
i was a poet from the start
a romantic at heart

where others saw, i dreamed
while many sought, i cleaned
my soul
from the sins and pains assigned to me from birth
for a half life of evil, i earned the right to search

and i found
myself.
Apr 2021 · 193
a music of silence
mal frost Apr 2021
in song we dance
Behold our busy chorus!
Down by the brook we prance
We touch with steady voice
Making a word from the drums.
Recorder of chant! I invite you,
return a song to my ear;
A sound alone that floats
A music of silence in my heart
Apr 2021 · 679
lavish laving
mal frost Apr 2021
i bask in my own thoughts,
a poet's dream come true,
when they flow and dance in the moonlight
dripping off your fingertips,
     luminescent
and sublime.

i remember now, that even if I never loved myself,
I've always loved my own writing, and the stories I told myself.
and in my own head, in these moments,
it's almost as if I can read my own poetry,

temporary, ethereal,
living the lies I tell myself so freely,
that I become the child I once was.
11:47 PM, about to head to bed after 32hours of conciousness.
Apr 2021 · 309
what stops me
mal frost Apr 2021
it was never so much the fear of failure
when contrasted with the OBSESSION
of perfection.
mal frost Apr 2021
the sentence has already been passed
so why do we still plead our case?

are we truly innocent?
were we ever?
i suppose the judge will tell us,
at the end.
we cannot (and should not) be our own judge, jury, and executioner. We can only be the jury to each other's cases as the time ticks on. do not judge your peers, but listen. do not strike down dreams, but give the the chance to blossom.

it is a great relief to know that my case will come to a verdict one day.
Apr 2021 · 439
i am an animal
mal frost Apr 2021
a mad dog
a sly fox
a starving hyena
rabidly consuming the reality around me

gnashing,
chomping,
biting,
tasting,

killing.
"Wine I loved deeply, dice dearly; and, in woman, out-paramoured the Turk: false of heart, light of ear, ****** of hand; hog in sloth; fox in stealth, wolf in greediness, dog in madness, lion in prey." - 3.4.90 King Lear by William Shakespeare
mal frost Apr 2021
thank you for your hearts
i'm sorry i couldn't give you mine

and thank you for your heartbreaks
because although I didn't realize it at the time,
they broke my heart, too

and now, with my deepest desires laid bare,
scattered amidst fragments of your love and my sins
eternal memories of bliss and pain
i have all the pieces to put back in place
and build the heart that i buried in my childhood.
Mar 2021 · 444
grasping for god
mal frost Mar 2021
and His light has finally pierced
my clouds
once more,

in due time,
perhaps I can still find peace.
Mar 2021 · 183
love torn apart
mal frost Mar 2021
i only recently discovered that
love is a seed that grows,
intertwining two souls until,
in due time,
they become part of each other forever,
so much more than just two minds.

and i'm so heartbroken that the girl who showed me
what love is
the girl who truly loves me
for all my mistakes, and
accepts me for who I am

and i wronged her.
Mar 2021 · 108
flow//spring
mal frost Mar 2021
as the world thaws
from our solemn interlude
it's fitting that this is the first spring i've seen
since I was a young child,
before I was whisked away to a land far from here,
where the winters were frostless,
and the summers endless,
a collage of sand storms and ocean breezes,
desert winds i now mourn.

and yet here i am,
back in the country of my childhood,
in the most inexplicable of times.

the winter was colder than anything I ever felt,
even though the city where I grew up was farther up north,

maybe because I don't have the warmth of home anymore,
an idea I lost long ago when my house became a battleground,

for what is the cold but a lack of movement?
and in the pandemic, we all stopped moving,
humanity, collectively, was FLASH FROZEN
and then began to thaw,
gently, in some places,
only to be frozen again.

some people feared the freeze.
i detested it. i feel robbed. broken. it's not fair.

but i understand, now, that the coldest winters bring the fairest springs,
and as we begin to trickle and f
                                                        l o
                                                            w
         back into our daily lives, we musn't forget
     that we're all just part of the glacier
           rivulets melting and rushing down into the abyssal depths,
faster and faster and faster,

so flow!
    and morph and dance and give life!
like the waters that sustain us,
the rivers we rush down are more exciting than ever,
don't forget to enjoy the ride,
and find your peace in the deepest winters and the most endless summers.
Mar 2021 · 142
at the end of time
mal frost Mar 2021
we will find god,
the final liberator
or the ultimate tyrant,

who shall lead us into heaven
or cast us into hell
the ultimate judge of
"do we try this again"?
random thoughts
Mar 2021 · 302
if all we have is time
mal frost Mar 2021
and we really are falling,
faster and faster to our end,

i hope i find me (and you)
sometime soon
Mar 2021 · 392
futile // why not?
mal frost Mar 2021
we are machines that collect information
that is being destroyed

we try to preserve this information
try to understand it
but from our perspective,
entropy is irreversible.

it's the great pity of it all.
we exist only as machinations of the universe,
in this loop,
perhaps our brains simply aren't meant to see time backwards
time isn't backwards, then.

so what happens, then?
heat death of the universe, i guess.

and then what?
nothing, probably because it won't happen
why?
well, to that i ask,
why not?

i don't think humans will be immortal in the sense that we live in biological bodies forever.

i think we'll co exist, as beautiful creators in the stars,
painting beautiful pictures,
faster and faster,
like shooting stars in a galaxy of light
painting until time itself stretches into eternity
with our generations of infinite beauty
and that
will be heaven,
where all our thoughts are remembered,
and reconstructed,
a museum of gorgeous paintings
a library of the most beautiful stories,
a collage of the most pure moments.

and we'll be there, my dear,
framed forever,
you and me,
and our family.
why not?
Mar 2021 · 131
the real question
mal frost Mar 2021
i guess the real question we're all trying to answer is

who gave me control over this thing? (by thing, I mean the infinitely complex machine that is the human body and brain).

it was you.
no, don't you get it -- it was YOU.

why we, as humans, are conscious, comes down to the simple fact
that we are more self - aware.

it's us. it's you. we gave you control!
we gave you control.
and it'll always be yours.
Feb 2021 · 152
the great battle
mal frost Feb 2021
as hard as I keep fighting
and kicking
and gnashing
I can't crack this puzzle
...
but I've come too far to give up now.
Feb 2021 · 689
a frantic manic dance
mal frost Feb 2021
that i dance
through time and space
chaos and order swirl eternally

thinking and dreaming,
worrying and scheming,

writing and creating,
erasing and destroying,

loving and laughing,
hating and fighting

everything that I will do,
I have already done.

and everything I have already done,
I will do.

and then maybe i'll get a breather.
the eternal braid
Feb 2021 · 189
clutching on
mal frost Feb 2021
to my humanity
for dear life
as I disassociate more and more
abstraction upon abstraction
to infinity!
and beyond.
how i feel after spending too long reading philosophy and logic texts
Feb 2021 · 279
alone in your own head
mal frost Feb 2021
when's the last time
you closed your eyes
in silence
and thought?

not slept
thought.

and kept thinking.

and keep thinking!
AND KEEP THINKING!

and keep....
thinking...

thinking.
“A noted chemist once crossed swords with Sri Yukteswar. The visitor would not admit the existence of God, inasmuch as science has devised no means of detecting Him."

"So you have inexplicably failed to isolate the Supreme Power in your test tubes!" Master's gaze was stern. "I recommend an unheard-of experiment. Examine your thoughts unremittingly for twenty-four hours. Then wonder no longer at God's absence.”

Excerpt From: Paramahansa Yogananda. “Autobiography of a Yogi.”
Feb 2021 · 230
emergent
mal frost Feb 2021
i am not my parts
i am the sum of my parts.
mal frost Feb 2021
to the stereotypes i never fit,
the homely summer camp I never attended,
the beers I never shared with my dad,
the conversations about girls I never had with my mom,
the sports I never played, the language I never mastered
too white to be African but too African to be white.
Feb 2021 · 111
a noble purpose
mal frost Feb 2021
i thought to myself,
maybe i can live my life trying to change people's lives
for the better
because that's pretty noble. and if everyone did that, everyone would give each other happiness, and happiness given is a thousand times sweeter than happiness taken.
how many people's lives have i touched? how many for the better?
hopefully most of them.
Feb 2021 · 186
my last day on earth.
mal frost Feb 2021
i woke up today and realized i had no work.
nothing due.
so i took a shower and looked myself in the mirror until i believed it
was my last day on earth.
the next time i go to sleep, i will not awaken.
it's a strange thing to convince yourself.
but once you allow yourself to accept that truth
- just for the slightest moment -
you'll find a glimpse
of what you would do
if it, indeed, was your last day.

and maybe that's something worth doing.
Feb 2021 · 162
winter solace
mal frost Feb 2021
i always thought i'd hate the blizzards,
    but the winter winds sing me to sleep,
       like the summer crickets once did.
i always thought i'd hate the cold,
    but the frigid north helps me slow down
    numbs my mind and preserves me,
and i thought i'd get tired of the snow,
  but the way nature tucks me into this northern wonderland,
  makes me feel like She did it to help us find peace,
  to remind us that things lead to their opposites,
  and the sweetest summers come after the solemnest winters.
Feb 2021 · 709
what is.
mal frost Feb 2021
there's a lot of danger in deconstruction
in the illusion of a rational, logical world,
it's almost seductively simple.

but i think it's high time we stopped worrying about
what things are made of
and started accepting what they are

it is
rather than
why?

sometimes, at least. to keep the noise down.
don't fall for the illusion like I did.
Feb 2021 · 300
liberation
mal frost Feb 2021
it was when i came to understand that
"I"
was not real
that i realized i was
LIMITLESS
nothing is impossible
Jan 2021 · 254
oblivion
mal frost Jan 2021
when i have my last beginning
i will know my first end.
Jan 2021 · 146
i kill myself all the time
mal frost Jan 2021
i feel like, someone,
Sometime,
Probably long ago,
Decided for me that I should live inside other people’s worlds instead of my own.

Who was it?

                       It was you.
it was "me"

it was us.

Why?
              To keep you in check.
oh.
internal dialogue of the death of my ego
mal frost Jan 2021
oh shadow people, you glorious machinations,
who peek out from my walls when i haven't
slept
in a while
Jan 2021 · 238
gorgeous
mal frost Jan 2021
she is!
to risk it all or play it safe?
that is the question.
Jan 2021 · 177
packaging
mal frost Jan 2021
we package everything
put things in tiny little boxes
all neat and organized
our own personal battles against entropy,
wasting our life force on something inevitable,
or perhaps something we don't understand, if you're lucky enough
to have faith

but i still don't understand
why do we try package ourselves
into the same tiny little boxes?
Jan 2021 · 56
solve this puzzle
mal frost Jan 2021
she's a logical girl in a logical world,
straight on track,
plugged in,

and i'm an illogical menace in a logical world,
thrashing against the chains,
the system,
perhaps in futility.

i feel like if you reduce everything to fight or flight, i'll fight.
******* it, i'll fight to the end.
always fighting.
anger under a blanket of tranquility
Jan 2021 · 132
a few thoughts on death
mal frost Jan 2021
oh, how i've pondered on you,
and yet the more i think about you the more
you elude me,
until i realized i'll never stop thinking of you,
my sweet love,
and you'll only grow more elusive,
more unknown,
more full of potential,
until i join you in infinity,
forever together.
we don't die alone. we die together.
Jan 2021 · 197
weird
mal frost Jan 2021
i found i kept getting bothered,
about the idea of things being weird,
but then i wonder,
"what if i try to be weird in a weird world?"
but i don't really even try,
people seem to think so anyway.
weird. maybe i just think people are weird.
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