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mal frost Dec 2021
i need it, so bad.

I want to change how others perceive me

fine tune it,

draw a pretty picture for the world to see,

and so I list all my defects -- mental and physical --
certain things about the way I look, think, and act

and their solutions

procedures, drugs, lifestyle changes,

and i work on ticking off every item in the list

yet I do wonder, sometimes

if it'll all be in vain

if, perhaps, happiness lies in acceptance

I'm afraid I'm too brash to accept that fact itself, at least for now.

Instead, I'll keep believing that it lies in the pursuit of perfection,
and I'll keep weaving my cocoon from the world,
waiting, patiently,
for the day I may emerge and be content
maybe even proud

of my metamorphosis
mal frost Nov 2021
(1)  your love

burns brighter than the
sun on a summer solstice
your kiss, radiant

(2) your smile

the sweetest solace
thawing me from permafrost
your eyes, twinkling stars

(3) your mind

an ethereal sea
glimmering with dusk's moonlight
your thoughts, deep currents

(4) your soul

stirs the sands off mine
spirits dancing in the wind
our hearts, intertwined
the girl I love is mad at me, so I wrote these. going to write them on the back of some photos of us and give them to her tomorrow on a picnic.
mal frost Nov 2021
kids on the lawn,
stuck in their pairs of two...

I had a pool house, once
took it for granted,

and now I live it out in my memories
the bad days became the good ones

and the good ones the bad

funny how that works, isn't it?

I've never felt such happiness
nor such pain,

I imagine it only gets worse

my only solution is to become numb.
mal frost Nov 2021
i'm still searching,
relentlessly
mal frost Nov 2021
what use is it, though?

when I use it to conceal the real me from those I love,
        - not by choice, but by circumstance

what use is it, though?

when I use it to reach the ends I seek,
       - not through virtue, but through wrath

I tear and I thrash,
knowing that,
one day.

I will have to let go of it all.
i love her.
she's too good for me, though

will I have to let her go or will I be better?

what does better mean?
mal frost Oct 2021
i feel him, even now
somewhere, deep in the depths of my mind
is a small boy
buried six feet deep in a coffin
carved of bone

i hear him, even now
screaming and scratching
(in vain)
his anguish muffled by the wooden planks
above

on those rare nights when he breaks out
clawing up through the dirt and mud
gasping for air through the floor
he finds himself in a manor of memories

a house, of sorts,
thoroughly haunted,
locked away in a labyrinth of logic
each recollection rationalized to high hell and back

sins from my father and violence from my mother
ghosts of the past,
troubled thoughts and painful words
etched into my existence
forever

and the nightmares begin to scream, too
demons and ghouls crawling out of the shattered mirrors
beckoning to the frightened boy
to join them

i hate him, even now
for the cold sweats that
he sends to me, a soul frightful
damaged beyond repair

and so I close my eyes
taking a deep breath
making my way through the maze
untouched by the shadows that torment him
for i am a shadow, myself

knocking down the door,
he looks to me,
with tearful amber eyes
and pleads for sweet release
"friend, please."

if I knew how, I would.

shovel in hand
i drag him back down,
kicking, screaming,
begging

and bury him alive once more.
mal frost Oct 2021
i always wanted to do them

and, for a long time,
       I thought myself great

yet, the more I chased greatness
the more it eluded me,

until I found myself to be not unlike a
pretty face with nothing behind it

I will never be great,
the chase for perfection is ceaseless
at least now, I can stop trying to make myself perfect
a rather egotistical approach to these things, in my opinion

instead, I want to make the things I put out into this world great
and they can be,
because my ego isn't attached to them
and so they're freer from myself than I could ever be

and that, to me,
is perfection
a perfectionist's ramblings
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