And I look at you
The way you look at her
And I sit here
And I think too deeply

I think about what
We could be
And what it would be like
To hold your hand

And I think about
How your arms
Hang loosely around her hips
When you're tired

And I picture myself
Holding you tight
After a long night
After everything hit the fan

I want to know what
It's like to feel
Your lips against my forehead
And on my neck

But what hurts the most
Is I was so close
And pushed her into you
So you wouldn't fall

So you wouldn't fall into me
Because that would be
Like breaking a dam
During a flood

So I will watch you love her
And I will watch your light
Shine through her
And think just for a little while longer.

I just need you here
I just need your touch
And I know, I know, I know
You can never be with me

But you come anyways
And we just sit
No words will be spoken
Nothing but the same album playing

It’s the same album
From when we first met
When we first touched
When we first laughed

It’s the same song
From our first dance
Our first kiss
Our first time

I rest my head on your shoulder
You just sit there, rigid
I haven’t touched you since I left
But I’m so desperate for something

My heart twists
My wrists hurt
My lips tingle
The open wounds don’t close

Thoughts linger in the air
Words unspoken don’t make their way
Past our lips,
You touch my face

There is so much noise in my street
But I can only feel your breathing
Your heart is barley beating
It might have stopped

My face in your hands, I look up
You ask for a light
And I just shake my head
I have nothing left for you.

“Hey dad, what’s your favorite thing about each of us?”

Innocent questions were her specialty.
She was too curious.
He looked at her after a second,
To think.

“Well your mother is my soul mate.
She keeps me in check.
She’s hardworking.
I love her.”

She made a mocking ‘awh’
Clenched her heart.
He rolled his eyes.
He continued.

“Your older brother is strong.
He’s independent.
He knows how to handle adversity.
He knows how to work”

She saluted her father.
Mimicking her older brother.
General wanna-be.
Not quite there.

“Your older sister is a free spirit.
She is outgoing.
She is exciting.
She could do what she wanted with that head of hers.
She’s good at everything.
She can do anything.”

He smiled and shook his head.
They were one and the same.
The first daughter took after her dad.
Almost like looking in a mirror.

She smiled as she was waiting her turn.
Being the third child.

“Your little brother will be a leader.
He can overcome anything.
He can adapt to any climate.
He is fun and athletic.
He can do it.”

Her dad nodded his head.
Put down the dried dishes.
He began to walk away.
Her smile faded.

“Wait what about me?
What do you think about me?”

She tried to smile.
She straightened her posture.
He turned around.

“Oh yeah, uh.
Well.
You’re pretty.”

He turned and walked upstairs.
Finished.
Leaving her in the kitchen.
Alone.

What is this?
When did I
Get so emotional
But also detached

When did all this noise
Become so loud
That it changed into a
Deafening silence

My heart stopped beating
A long, long time ago
But I still live
And blood still courses through my veins

It’s the feeling of
Everything
It’s the feeling of
Nothing

It hurts
And it hurts so badly
But I am still unsure
On what exactly is giving me this pain

Have I lost my mind
Or did I find it a while ago
Maybe this sadness was birthed
From finally seeing reality

This darkness is so black
It becomes bright in the day
I thought I knew myself
I thought I was cold

But this is a new freeze
This is a new chill
This is a new black
This is a new low

I’m only writing this
Right now

Because its distracting me
From the knives that

Are staring me down
From across the kitchen.

I hurt
Because
You hurt

Is this not
What it
Feels like

To
Be
In
Love?

What are we doing?
We both have someone
But I can’t get the taste
Of you
Out of my mouth

You touch my waist
The fire in your eyes
Shoots desires through mine
I come around when
You least expect

How do you do this?
Every day
Late nights
Early mornings
You arrive

Stop calling
Stop falling
Stop wandering around
In my yard
Stop this need

I need to be alone
That’s a lie and you know it
Stop touching me
That’s a lie and you know it
Don’t leave again