they said
”uhuhuh imma buy a big gun
bazooka 47
and imma **** of dem zombies
cause dey
surely *******”
and i can’t say nothing to them
cause
i don’t know that they’re not coming
the way things going

after that night
after you left
at 11:52 am
i cried
for two hours
not because it was bad
but because
i was scared
so so so scared
cause you had hurted me
gutted my innocence even though
I’d let you.
i thought I was ready
(as baked spaghetti)
i wasn’t.
i guess it’s my fault though.
(idk how it’s just always my fault)
and when i had to let you go
cause you were heer her hurting me
i cried till 11:52 am.
im sorry

been so conditioned to the
abuse that I set my mental timer to cry
b4 we must wipe away
my tears & fears
30 seconds

i always knew i was alone
but never knew that i was abandoned in my own heart

ga ga gimme
that anastasia(?)
anaAAA
(oh!) anesthesia
maybe it would numb the
(numb what)
the pain
(what pain ur unscathed)
left on my mind by YOU

sometimes I get tired. not the sleepy kind of tired but the
i
  can’t
           move
out of (that really comfy space ) in my bed
                 and
clean my room
kinda tired.
sometimes I forget about zoom meetings
because my mind is so occupied
wondering
but
sometimes I get tired

u hurted my heart
gave me little boo boos
in disguise for kisses
had me beggin for mama
u hurted my heart
and I pretended like it was fine

I want to wake up next to you
our calves on top of each other
hairs stand up each time your leg caresses mine
i want to smell your 3 and 1 shampoo
on top of my pillow cases
i want you and only you
I want for you to pull me
so my back touches your chest
and I can feel your heart beat
and i wonder why it’s so fast
I want to know if you’re thinking of me
dreaming of me
i want you.

i wonder how much coffee
no cream
no sugar
small glass just in case
will it take for you too notice me

hey. i want you to go.
i’m too broken for you.
you don’t want me—don’t need me,
do you?
I’m bad for you. a poison meant to be recognized as such and to be left alone.
i’ll hurt you.
you know I’m painful right?
don’t you see the wet floor sign in front of my bed!
get away before you slippppp in my tears.

honestly it feels like to me kids nowadays are being killed by words, perceptions, appearances, by a war being fought in the streets based on these things. we've pitted ourselves against each other because of these intangible yet malleable things and it's hard for me not to wonder when these feelings began. was it in our ancestors during the ice age, fighting for survival. survival. wow. survival
          - r.i.p to all the brothers who have lost their life because of modern day mankind's perception of- survival

note to self
do not let him too deep in your heart
because he will steal your grandmas china
and runoff with the key.

it’s okay to cry.
but don’t let the tears stay so long they burn.

i can feel
the
v
  o
    m
   i
     t

of words
spilling from my finger tips.

onto this keyboard.
caused by sleepless nights
i can feel the
slow caress
of yawn spilling up my spine.
can you feel it too?

i feel empty
like my inside have been taken out of me
and all the remains is a cool breeze of air
flowing between my rib cage and my heart
I look at other people
and I wonder if their internal temperature is also set to the fall season
and maybe I’m not just alone
and empty
but here I lie, in my bed, with the same quiet cold gush of wind inside

all my joy has
been thieved from me
stolen
tooketh
i have sat and compared and
looked up and down
examining beautiful girls
im supposed to look like them
but no
my joy has been thieved from me

i had wished on that **** star
that you would not break my heart
but that got **** star ran ran ran away
with my wish and my heart
and left me here to stay awake

everyone has once loved a dandelion
unknowing that it’s a ****.

you brought me into the darkness and after you left i was too scared to leave.

i remember when I showed you my poetry
and you laughed at me

i’m scared to love you wrong
cause nobody ever loved me right.

i drink coffee
before bed
because i want to dream of running a marathon
far far far far away from you.

the looming mystery of evergreen flowers
continuously beautiful
almost as if they cease nothing less than
perfection
perfection, a word unknown to many
hated by most
all are jealous
of those evergreen flowers
why so happy
complete
so normal
oh how i envy
those evergreen flowers

i let him kiss my boo boos

i think about if he thinks about us

it's so hard to come out of the hole i'm in because it's 6 feet deep and i'm locked in a box with 2 tons of dirt on my chest.

s
p
i
l
t
my feelings to you.
and you wiped them away with a bounty paper towel.

your words hurt.
the way they CReep down my stomach
waltzzz in my intesTINES
swing across my kindeys.
turning it inside out.
makes me wanna crEEP up to you
wwwaltz around your body
and SWING at your face.

as I write this I lay in bed on a Friday night. i just saw my friends were at a party.
well friends from a distance.
and then I saw my friend hanging out with my other friend behind my back.
but this is not what saddens me.
what makes me sad is the fact that that could have been me.
but I search deep in myself trying to find a passcode or a key.
to unlock the "normal" part of me.
normal as in when will I talk to only two people and then go home and talk to no one.
hold on I almost let a tear out of my eye.
why is it that me, makayla, sits in her bed this Friday night alone, saddened, broken.
when did I become broken. have I always been?
i beg the question, who fault was this. because if it mine I can accept that, but I must place blame.
if i don't I will just wallow, keep my tears behind the cages of my eyelids, or die.

that-that pain
uhuh it's in my head i guess?
like my eyebrows are being pulled over my eyes
oh lord it HUrts
okay makayla breathe you will be fine.
no NO NO
i will not be fine when i have this
headache
aching and paining
ugh
this headache

i laugh when people tell me to
follow my heart
cause my heart is in my chest
so it really just follows me

you cut a hole in my chest
   and I tore my heart out and gave it to you

this site is a library
often I want to shhhhh some of
your comments
whisper yell in the replies

“poets are reading”
reflecting
then writing
“ ˢʰʰʰʰʰ”
you must remain silent

i have a confession
i am sick
(SICK of shame sick of cold sick of heart ache)
my tonsils feel swollen
throat blockedddddddddddddd
anger sits on top of my chest
preventing my dIAPHRAgm from expanding

and c       sing
         ollap

send a doctor
my time is near

I ******* hate him and the
way he makes me feeeeeel.

you beat me so bad
i forgot if it was okay or not

you -ou -ou
told me to
hold
you
after you had broken
my arms

i can't **** myself yet
because I refuse to die a ******
a ****** it is

today i walked down the street
and
then i fell
and rolled, rolled, rolled, stop
down the hill.
then there i sat wondering where i was
and guess what
i had found myself with you again.

when i saw that you moved on
i
washed my hair, and brushes my teeth
and pretended there weren’t tears in the mirror.

I tried to love you until the very end.
Until I had no more long to give
I loved  you even though you broke my heart into a million pieces
And swept me under the rug and pretended that I was not there
I loved you even though you left me hopeless and speechless and you hogged all my love for yourself
So
I could give love to no one else
I tried to love you until your tears dried
I even loved you when you had no such love for me.
I loved you until you made my voice box sore, leaving a weird feeling in my throat.
But then the end came
And I could love you no more
Because I had left no more love left for me

give me a shelf to put my heart in your chest and give it a home
I’ll even dust it off
put down a carpet
I can deal with the broken ones you have on it too

i figured out that no one else is going to tell me i'm beautiful so i had to learn how to tell myself

nothing makes me happy any more
and i have seemed to lack the motivation to work towards that happiness.

i sit with pixeled strangers
wondering if this is
the peak of
my life.
where has time gone.
why am i alone.
will i see you on the
other side.

the moon moves the
ocean of tears from my eyes
onto my pillow.
i lay drowing
longing for the beach
where i feel safe.

i cried today
then i told myself to **** it up
and sing jingle bell rock
its not even christmas

i just want you in my bed with me
nothing ****** but
lust itching in the bed sheets

i want to feel your rib cage
E X P A N D
collapse
seemingly pause for a moment
while i worry where your breaths went

I want to feel relief when they return

to see the moon reflect against your purple skin
i want are arms to touch
to grasp you for warmth
i want to sleepily fight for my sheets

i want you again, here with

******* HATE you
you SELF CENTERED SQUARE *** *****
you WILL NEVER FIND LOVE
BECAUSE you HARBOR NO LOVE FOR NO ONE BUT yourSELF
SEEK THERAPY you ******* KILLER.
KILLER OF SOULS
KILLER OF MEN
....

tired of having to learn lessons my daddy should’ve taught me.