Sometimes
Even my emptiness feels empty

With God's presumably infinite memory
Will He remember me?
Or if He does
How will he?
Will he remember how I spat at His commandments?
Or will he remember the crying girl
Who cried and promised anything
For Him to save her mother?

A call to arms.
Really.
Just a call to your arms.
Dear, I'm borrowing Darcy's words
I love you ardently.
So please. Embrace me.
I don't care if I'm ****** afterwards.

And tonight I am not sleeping alone
Tonight I will be sleepless but not without dreams
Two burning things will make love to me
One is you and the other is the ache from imagining us.

My body longs to lick your soul
To see beneath your eyelashes
And to feel your heartbeat drowning mine
But no. Not tonight.

And when it's daybreak
And the sheets are without a single crease
Then I will let my happiness go
And fully admit that I can only burn with you.

When  I was a tot
Poetry meant rhymes
A voluntary measuring of words
To get A's
But now that my heart has experienced fault
And sorrow
Poetry came to mean
As an entrance
To leave the nagging burden
A healing
To lessen the sobs
But not to **** it.

Give me my daily dose of pessimism and grief
To keep me in my guardrail
And into the light
Suffocate me but give me enough warm
To keep my soul burning and craving
And into the light
I shall meet you.

There has to be a difference
In order to call another 'being' another.

Maybe we need another kind of people
The one who can tolerate other soul
The one who can see differently
Yes,  the one who can love differently.

For this boy, a trip down memory lane
Is only a knock away.
But his hands are heavy
And only his tears are brave
Enough to fall and roll
The only feeling of cold
That his nerves can serve.

All of him is heavy
His spirit, breath and heart.
But it seems like everything
Is light enough to go with the wind.
Leaving him in poverty and dullness
And a trip down memory lane.

Lying has become my bad habit
A small lie gnawing and growing
Until I can lie without a blink
On how I don't care anymore.

Actually, it's quite helpful
Now moving on is a step away
But then, I'm afraid it'll take its toll on me
Nothing comes for free, this I know.

I always feel that I am bound
To take the worst case scenario.
And it's funny
And sad. But it's alright.

Despair is my afternoon tea
And sometimes, my lamp in the evening
But if it's this easily explained
Then I wouldn't be this troubled.

My sights can only reach my eyelids
So there's no use climbing up that mountain
When the top is as dull as the plains
And the birds there are as silent as the lamb.

But of course I can hear far beyond that.
It is said that above all those twigs
And cherry flavored paper
There's a hymn that never fades out.

But I'm not sorry for loving you.

You left my lips
Swollen and uneven
With your lies and empty
Moans that keeps me awake at night

As though all I need
Is a sheet of blinds
That can keep me
On my cigarette diet

I'm wearing you
Right next to my watch
Which stopped ticking months ago.

I'm feeling under the weather lately
And my body starts to groan
Not like how it ****** under yours
But my cough is starting to sound like your name.

Always on replay
Never reaching the chorus
And I'm gulping down medicines
Instead of your mouth during those cold nights.

And here I am again
Pondering yet knowing why
I always remember you when things go gray
Slowly, slowly breathe and slowly slowly forget.

I promised myself I won't drink alcohol anymore.
I'm waiting for that day that I'm going to break my promise.

I never asked for the spring
Nor the summer
But the cherry blossomed
And the sea charmed the travelers

So why am I still stuck
With the four hiragana characters
That patterns my bug bites
And damp pillows

You can see a physical manifestation
Of my momentary affection for your soul
Pale skin and bags under the eyes
Chapped soles and long nails

Dry lips
Hollow cheeks
Broken heart
And of course, raspy lungs

Death is not something we experience.
Death is one of some things that ends all experience.
Now, I'm not saying that only death can make you feel numb and distant
What I'm merely saying is that death is more definite.

I can live with pain if it's distributed equally.
So suffer my love. I don't care if it's from grief
Or from a broken toe.
My love has been corrupted
And I know it's evil and unbecoming
But I am vexed and hopeless
And I need you to come back. Please.

Which part of your morose body
Should I put in the casket?
Should I left out your hands
Which caressed my face until bruises
Formed like landmarks?

I hope infinity doesn't exist
Because at this rate, I might just be
The lousy continuation of me.
Who needs another sentence
That might never end
When you can end it with a period
And bow gracefully?

But you see, I am a foolish person
Very foolish to stand again
When I can already navigate the mud
With my eyes closed and uncaring heart.
It is indeed a faint world
Faintier than the people with glassy eyes
But with muscles that can store memories and strength.

You say "even in this world"
As if you've tried another
As if you've lived in one
As if you've embraced another arms

You, my darling, has been
And always will be
The center interest of my life
Even in this world.

A desperate confirmation
That this evil is not innate.

And tonight I am not gonna turn off the trickling of the faucet.
I am going to let its sound drive me to sleep.
I am going to ignore the carelessness of my act.
Just for this night, the faucet will cry for me.
Or maybe with me.

Afraid to realize that I can't do it after all
And this time, failing is not an option
But my knees are shaking
I'm collapsing.

But I'm holding on
Step by step I lift my soul
My spirit and my eye
And there, done!

You have this grave ability
Of understanding what is not
And feeling the roughness
Of everything brilliant.

When you're gone
Take everything you can
Anything that can fit
Into the holes of your heart

But leave one thing
One drop, two drops; no a barrel of it
A barrel of your tears and kindly make it two
Cause I'll be cleaning my windows and all the footprints of you.

Go implies leaving.
The separation of ways.
And of course the unsaid 'whys'.

Mountains are not our thing
For beings so small as we are.
But a handful of earth
Really, a pinch of it, our hands can handle.

If cherishing the fading photograph
Of your face and and it's frown
Be the last thing I do
Then I'd do it gladly and with all my might.

I'm dying to know if this love is a fraternity
A lobby to the endangered discipline and fault
When the so called collective wisdom orders 'NO'
What are you gonna do?

Today I'm gonna tell you
How to be a good girl that Ma loves
First, remove all your piercings
But don't shove them down the drain
You'll need them later.

Second, have a straight hair that Ma likes
No buts and no ifs
Only yes and yes
But keep all your curler and ribbons
You'll need them to straighten your soul.

Nobody tells you this
In the street or in the market
Nobody texts you how it's done
But now that I've done it and I know why
Because it takes stamina to be a good girl.

Here's to the sound of the fan
When everyone's asleep except for my anxiety
And his best friend, obsession.
To the empty glass, old tapes and a cat figurine
I'm nearing my end, so please watch as I go to sleep.

The word hate only appeals
To those who are hated
The other knows it by heart
And they tend to share it graciously to the world.

In unconsciousness, we find unexpected peace.
And anxiety while we still have it.

I understand why sometimes
We feel that someone somewhere owes us happiness
Because we didn't ask to be here.
I didn't ask to be here.

Feeling pain is never optional
Like water or tea?
Or juice or coffee?
No. It's shoved down
Down your throat.
Fast and hard.
But the funny thing is
You're thankful afterwards.

I see sun flares when you smile
Filling me with warmth and an odd
Feeling of desperation and exhaustion
That shames my stuttering words.

Why do you have to be so pretty and captivating?
When all I can do is turn a blind eye?
Why do you have to be so full of life
When I'm burning inside?

My paint is peeling
Soon, very soon, people will see
And judge that I love you
For what I am and for what you are.

Why do you have to be my everything?

My eyes wander to the white wall
To the uneven ceiling
To the piled books and ***** laundry
Untouched like the tangled wires
Like a necklace under my chin.

And finally I'm flying
Away from this world
Of indifference and guilt
Yes, everything looks so mundane up here.

But I feel like there's something in me
That's too sunny to be hidden
In my usually depressed personality
And I'd like it to burst

Like happiness
And warm hugs
And kisses and smiles
So bear and be with me.

What did you think
When I crossed your sight?
How did you feel?
For me, it was just another wave
Of mountains that I couldn't climb.

No symphony is more beautiful than you
Even the green grass outside
Wishes for a wisp of your sunshine
Even Auriga wants you to be her Capella.

But little do you know
That I'll pause my life song
If you'll think my way
Or even take a little sigh.

There are a number of things
I want you to know
Or better yet understand
Like how my heart reaches for yours

And only be welcomed by an empty hand
And it's okay. I can deal with the emptiness.
Just not with the coldness
Not from your hand, that is, but from your gaze.

This month I'll remember you
Like any other month.
And like any other month
I can't forget you just yet.

Oh love! From you I've learned to love
And to hate so intensely
That it scares me
To breathe. To take in another part of you.

But I also understand. But so fiercely, my love for you.
Oh love, I understand. That no matter how
Perfectly red the rose looks
It can never wish for it's thorns to wither away.

You're a silhouette
Outside my window
Only formed when the lights are out
But you know, darling
If you're not willing to
Use the front door
Then take all your handprints
On the window and on my face.

We are cold.
Whether measured by the sun's standard
Or by the sound made by the clouds.
But right now an unrecognized feeling
Is creating a filter through my eyes.

This feeling is so strong and irrevocably true
That I'm left wishing that it's pure.

I guess the heart is made that way
Wanting what's forbidden
And sin tastes like cherry with wine
With an appetite that can drown the town.

And weeping won't cure you.
God doesn't care.
And Eden is closed to those who are drunk
But darling, we have heaven here.