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First day of school freshmen year
I walk in to my native 2 spanish class
My teacher says to me
“Are you sure you belong here?”
Her voice is betlitting,
like she's speaking to a 5 year old
I start speaking
si hablo español fluentemente

Her face goes white
Along with everyone else
That was the first time i began to write

That wasn’t the first time i was told i was somewhere where i didn't belong

At 10 it was because i wasn't as smart as my sister
At 13 it was because i had to many opinions
At 14 it was because i was a disrupter
At 16 it was because of my personal decisions and visions

There was never a place where I belonged
I was either too white or too mexican
Too loud or to quiet
Feminine
Sometimes i was a girl operating on autopilot

I guess i didn’t belong there or anywhere
At this moment all I have to do is exist
I have no responsibilities
I owe nothing to anyone

At this moment I am just a body
I don't need to do anything
I can breathe

At this moment I am at peace
sometimes I feel like I'm living in the past
I mean it kinda amazes me
how everything can happen so fast
living in a state of complete flashbacks

constantly having feelings that I can't describe
having so much to say
but not having the guts to say it
kinda feeling like it's time for me to quit
I loved you with every part of me
My mind, body, heart, and soul
A love deeper than the sea
You stole my self control

Before you i knew who i was
Strong, independent, loud, and brave
I didn’t want to take a pause
And now i just want to be in a grave

There was a time where you were so scared
Telling me how much you cared

I am so sorry I wasn’t enough
I’m not enough for myself
But I guess life is tough
I hope you are enough for yourself
Maybe I didn't deserve you
Maybe you didn’t deserve me
If only i knew what you would put me through
Maybe without you i was set free

I try not to cry
But you gave me a high
that i couldn’t get out of my mind
Maybe i was too blind

Maybe the word forever
Means just for now
I wanted you to be my lover
But you decided you couldn’t take that vow

I feel so broken
Maybe because you broke me
Our last words will remain unspoken

Friends telling me I will get over it
Maybe i don’t want to get over it
Maybe i want you
Maybe that's too taboo

Our first and last kiss
Still remains on my lips
I never wanted us to end
Not like this
Because you were a godsend
First a friend
Then a lover
But there's an “end” in friend
And “over” in lover

Maybe I will be happier
Maybe you are better off
But you made my days brighter
I wish you wouldn’t just ******* off

Maybe I hate you
Because maybe just
Maybe I still love you
as I lay in bed at night
not being able to sleep
I stare at the moonlight

right now the moon is the only reliable thing in my life
a friend that is always there
listens and never judges you
that's the only time that I don't feel alone

and I know this doesn't rhyme
but for the longest time I haven't felt
feelings are complicated
the moon isn't
a continuous cycle
always waiting for it's arrival

pretty ****** I know
not that talented
but I'll be honest
I still look at the photos

I remember all the nights
when we both looked at the moonlight

but now I stare endlessly at the moonlight hoping you are too
Sink or swim
Holding onto my sanity with a broken limb
There wasn’t much to hold onto
A broken girl with broken dreams
I would go through impossible extremes
Trying to catch a breath
But now i just wanted to be put to death

Some sort of beauty in all the pain
Trying so hard to appear perfect
Was there ever much to gain
Makeup running down my face as i wept
If you ask me if I am fluent in Spanish
I will tell you my Spanish is a mix of english
and spanish rubbing against each other
in my mouth like spitting fire

My spanish is my whole life from my youth
to my death
My Spanish is on my resume as a skill
And not something that can sit still

You see There is no telling my spanish
to be quiet
My spanish don’t know “quiet”

My spanish is spicy sounds that some people
Have a hard time to understand  
My spanish sits in the corner of a classroom
Chews on a pencils, does not raise its hand

My spanish is chaotic, broken, and slightly misspoken
something that I have to choose
to remember correctly

My spanish is true story
My spanish is my grandparents
Giving me presents
that they brought back from Mexico
At least I hope they would have

My spanish is a broken clock radio that never
gets fixed but still works
And yes there are perks

My spanish is people asking me if my parents
are american if I am white
My spanish is having to prove that
I am mexican, because saying it was never enough
My spanish is my abuelita leaving a country
that she loves to give her family an entry to opportunities  
And english sat in her mouth
remixed so strawberry became  “ e streberry ”
And Kitchen, keychain and chicken all sound the same.

My spanish is my accent that
reminds me where i come from
And That we are still
bomba, plena, salsa, and guepa
Something that is too
stubborn for your whitewash
Not something that you can erase
Rather something that I embrace

My spanish is my  dad working his whole life
so i can live in security
And not have to worry about disparity

My spanish is the first question that my
grandmother asked about me
“what color is she”

My spanish is my sister,
A  blond blue eyed beauty
That  always took priority

My spanish is people thinking that
My dad was my gardener
My spanish is people being petrified
when I spoke to my father

My spanish knowns that there are letters
that will always be silent
There are words that will always escape me

My spanish is my whole body
A sound that rumbles in my
chest and rolls off my tongue
My spanish is something that is shut off
when I am surrounded by white walls

But my spanish does not believe in
boundaries or borders
My spanish believes in building bridges
and not taking orders
From an orange man with tiny hands
that is an assaulter

My spanish,  my spanish is a sword
that allows my words  
To fly like the birds and be freed
My Spanish  is my drive to succeed
“Just one of days”
That’s what i say
“I’ll be okay”
But there is always a price to pay

Always feeling like crap
And then i finally snap

No one can understand
I already have a plan

Pretty easy
Not like it's hard
But to some that would be greedy
The line between greedy and necessary
Has gone blurred
Love is funny thing
It has never been easy for me-
Opening up to someone

But with you it was so easy
Effortless
Seemingly perfect
No te puedo decir cuanto de quiero
Yo te amo
Con todo mi cuerpo
Con todo mi mente
Espero que tu también me quieres
You know
that you
are really sad
when you being
to write
a poem in the
middle of the night
Yesterday I saw you for the first time in a long time
When I say you my heart stopped
I have missed you so much
My heart dropped

"I miss you"
"I love you"

These are the words
I said to you
And you? --
You said
"I just don't know"

What am I supposed to do now?
Move on?

But I still love you

— The End —