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Jun 2019 · 130
. . .
Mae Jun 2019
Your lies are as pale as the backside of my thighs
The worst shade really
May 2019 · 195
The black night.
Mae May 2019
An empty chest
A stomach of pain
Swirling thoughts
Around in my brain

Countless hours
No time to live
Everything I am
I have to give

There's no point
Unless there's love
An endless equation
No one can solve

Day by day
It's all the same
Misery and sarrow
With someone to blame

Are you living?
Finding happiness
Or are you surviving?
Combatting mental illness

No courage to get help
Independence is key
Aid is unaffordable
Never free

Kindness of the innocent
A beacon of light
Someone to follow
Out of the black night
Mar 2019 · 841
The last thread.
Mae Mar 2019
It's just me here
Speaking to the void that appears as a blank page in front of me
Any words I speak to others that contains any meaning only reflects negativity
The glimmers of me I let shine through the holes of my shell are always quickly denied
It seems no one wants to even look at me

It's clear I don't fit anywhere in this world
If actions speak louder than words then the world has preached novels to me
Lecturing me to leave

It's just me here
A cast away holding onto the last thread
Consciousness desparately dangling
I wish something would grab me and tell me it's okay
I'd be content with being pulled towards either direction
I just need to be told I'm meant to be somewhere
That I'm wanted
Feb 2019 · 205
Untitled
Mae Feb 2019
Fight for me.
Trust me.
Love me.

And I'll give you the world.
Another heartbreak.
Feb 2019 · 613
The next wave.
Mae Feb 2019
Too much time has been spent focusing on the past
Without it this reality would not exist
But settling in the comfort of familiarity is not growth

This new reality is the next step
It's uncomfortable
But there's no more time
for experiments
test runs
or observation

Time to glance ahead
With feet planted in the present
Not because the future is bright
Like everyone chatters about
But because it's coming
And it's coming now

Hard lessons have yet to be learned
Deaths and heartbreak will be mourned
Catastrophies will turn back the clock
Undoing everyone's hard work

Only so much growth can sprout from the nutrients of one event
And survival results in a layer of strength just to be worn off by the next wave
I'm panicking a lot about the future. Usually I don't need to look ahead, but some things in my life are telling me I have to.
Feb 2019 · 1.1k
My muse.
Mae Feb 2019
How oddly romanticized
the word "muse" has become
For my muses have been nothing but infuriating
and dumb
Feb 2019 · 223
The detail.
Mae Feb 2019
Just one thing remains stuck in my brain
the small detail at the very end of the night
(of course it would happen then)
All things seemingly in the clear, ready to let the story end
But when we walk from the bar
to their house
and to our car
eventually we had to part ways
A quick, "goodnight" exchange
and then nothing
And as I turn for a clue or something
Your back is turned to me
and your walk is quickening

I remember it's not my responsibility to care about you anymore
as awful as that makes me feel
As my eyes followed you away
I noticed how your partner walked alongside you,
just as swiftly
Hand in hand
comforting
you as you brushed me off
Supporting your hasty scurry,
walking away together cowardly
How could you leave
without even looking at me?

So many memories arise as an answer...
All right there, ready to be touch...and be remembered
How I've long forgotten many...
Tempting to be retrieved, felt, and thought about
I have no doubt
That they're deadly

And besides, I learned from the best
to get by I just
brush it off
Allowing that detail
to be our last goodbye
Mae Feb 2019
Meeting with you and seeing you once again...
After all of this time, is it sad of me to say?
That not much has changed
Now that my eyes are open
And my defenses are up
I feel as if I see the picture as a whole
Just as before, you put your heart before mine
Even though I only could tell for half a second

It was all I needed to counter the bit if desire I still have
To reach into the past
Recollecting what was shattered
It's nothing but a dream

This terms of this relationship has never been up to me
Not with us
Not with you
I have no choice
Except to linger or disappear

Lingering means you, even if it's just a piece
Disappearing means freedom
I don't really have a choice do I...
Freedom is bittersweet
And never really feels like freedom at all

Although a lot of if's cross my mind
I know none of it could fool anyone
Everything between us has died
And I am content
I've had my closure
The best that it's going to get
Feb 2019 · 895
Untitled
Mae Feb 2019
"You have retrieved my long lost heart"
I whisper to her through the dark,
"...keep it. And please take care of it."
Jan 2019 · 861
Falling in love.
Mae Jan 2019
"Falling in love"
is the perfect description
The fear-filled sensation of anti-gravity
The wonder of the unknown
The adrenaline pulsing
Keeping me going
Falling
for you in every way
She's the one. The next one. The last one?
Jan 2019 · 111
My ocean of sadness.
Mae Jan 2019
Black liquid licks every curve of my body
It seaps into every pore
Alone I float in these deep sticky waters
No escaping
Except by sinking
Another oldie
Jan 2019 · 1.1k
The mask.
Mae Jan 2019
A mask with a face that no one knew
But you
I let you see me
Be with me
Naked and scared I lie awake now
Your selfish words still robbing me
How?
And now you say that I am guilty
But I shared with you my reality
Everything I knew about myself at that time
But after time
You began slipping
Tripping
Falling into the cracks of your own mask
So I gotta ask
Was it the pressure of your own fears that broke you?
Because I was nothing but kind to you
There for you
When the rest of the world refused to be
And now that we
are nothing but strangers
*were nothing but strangers
Somehow your walls
= my mask?
Your fears
for my innocence?
I should no longer have to suffer
From your hesitance
Being cheated is the worst ain't it? It truly is so invasive and it robs you of everything you gave to that person. In my case....it was everything.
Dec 2018 · 65
Losing life.
Mae Dec 2018
The game of Life acts as a diary;
a replica of our Momentous actions in part
With my mental issues, trust issues, and tramas
I started 20 spaces behind the start

Generations below me pass me by rapidly
conquring the board without a care
I crawl one space forward completely winded
the game of Life isn't fair

I must keep my eyes, my head, and my hopes down
For if I squint to see the end on the horizon
It's not only far away
but potentially just an illusion
Dec 2018 · 1.1k
Lost.
Mae Dec 2018
I'm not stable enough for love
I'm not kind enough for love
I'm not worthy enough for love
I'm not ready for love
Lord please save me
I don't feel human
I don't have strength
I don't belong
I don't want to live
I'm nothing but depressed
A lost case
A piece of work
A damaged ex
Will I ever turn my life around?
And see the world differently?
Like it's meant to be
Like I have a destiny
Like anyone wants me
To be here
Mae Dec 2018
Moments come and moments pass
Everything acting in a fluid motion
Swirling and foggy
Nothing is clear
The world, my mind, my body

What's real and what's fake
Fake news and fake currency
How can I escape
The world, my mind, my body

Bursting but trapped by the last thread
A cloud of illusion leaks in
I breathe it out, I breathe it in
Somebody please come save me
From...
The world, my mind, my body
Nov 2018 · 657
How I really feel.
Mae Nov 2018
I wish you would die
And I wish someone would end you
Nothing but a demon,
a thief, a rotten root
Your lies stab at my aged wound
You're petty
And *******

Just shut the hell up already
Before I shut you up myself
You destroyed my life
And still await consequence

I hold myself back every day, don't you see?
So see it as a blessing
And don't you dare test me
From now and for forever
Tiptoe the streets

Fear my flame
Don't laugh like this is a game
My soul is empty, hungry
And I'll haunt you until you drip with insanity
You deserve nothing
No remorse
Just a curse

Clearly you have to be put in your place
A slap across your face
We're both on thin ice
So feed my healing
Because if I ever quit
we both might end up bleeding
Support my healing, or shut the **** up.  Bite your tongue, or watch your back.
Sep 2018 · 1.1k
My entity.
Mae Sep 2018
And as my life falls into a million pieces
All that remains is my entity
Which continues to be ****** into
The void that is your heart

All physicality long ago dissipated
My flowing spirit takes the easiest path
The travel endless and rocky
Nothing you say is comforting

As there's nothing left for light to be shined upon
I become darkness itself
Alone I wonder
Never to be held
Never to be brightened
Sep 2018 · 150
Where did you go my love?
Mae Sep 2018
Maybe I care too much
or maybe it's the lack of medication
But my mind is overflowing
with constant consternation

When you disappear on me
it's like my heart has gone rogue;
A vast cavern left inside my chest
no tears left to disembogue

But my feelings are very present
A tangled mess of fear and panic
as well as a deep love and longing
everything so fresh and very organic

That's what we have
and that's what we are

unknown
afraid
and passionate
All very chaotic

But one hundred percent real

Where did you go my love?
Please don't keep me waiting long...
Sep 2018 · 3.0k
Chaos.
Mae Sep 2018
Your over-fried scrambled egg brain...
Your crystal blue toilet water eyes...
Your entangling lucious snake-like locks...
Your enchanting lying lips...
Your snuggled and overly tight embrace...
Your sweet and sufficating breathe...
Your complete and utter toxic love...
Everything about you...
***** me in.
Aug 2018 · 2.9k
Milestones.
Mae Aug 2018
Life has many milestones.
Each bringing a significant change to one's life.
Whether that be a birthday, a wedding, a child.
But it's difficult to admit the sadder milestones that we carry with us.
However these negative moments also have a significant effect on us.
This is my list of milestones I hate to admit.
But they have impacted me tramendously.
It's time I released them so I can look ahead.

Molested by a boy at age 4.
Countlessly ***** by my sister starting at age 5.
***** by my therapist at age 7.
Beat by my sister throughout childhood.
Bribed and verbally abused by my step father to condition me to keep my issues to myself.
Traumatized at 10 by my father and his ex due to a domestic abuse situation.
Almost drowned from my first public panic attack at age 16.
Harassed by a man at a concert at age 20.
Endured the hell that relationships always bring.
Attempted suicide twice at age 21.
And a man attempted to **** me at a party last week while I was intoxicated.

I know I'm not the only one with these difficult memories.
And knowing I'm not alone will always be my comfort.
But I'm letting it all out;
purging out the evil so I can be releaved.
And now my hope is to heal and become whole again in the healthiest way possible.

I can overcome these milestones.
I know I can.
Jul 2018 · 830
Attraction and fear.
Mae Jul 2018
With the force of like sides of a magnet I push people away
Constantly unable to touch or come close
But nothing I could do could prevent our opposition from bringing us closer together
The differences of our upbringing make us both mysteries to one another
With every piece of information I am able to take in of you, I crave more
My attraction for you is unquestionable
That, we have in common
Fears from the past rest in my heart, but I lose touch of everything when we're together
I absorb your beauty, your voice, your touch as often as I can
Chemicals flood my brain and pulsates through my veins with just one look
Your perfection scares me
As does your imperfection
But I'd be scared regardless
I want nothing more than to see what we'll become
What we'll grow together to become
As we move forward and grow together as our own entity
It may not be easy
But I know she's worth it
Jun 2018 · 341
Death must be lonely.
Mae Jun 2018
Death must be lonely
The souls I surround myself with
Are all so very familiar
To lose them forever in the afterlife
I doubt the connections will remain
Or be destined to find each other again
However I like to think so
But in preparation to go
I can't allow myself to be so optimistic
I have to bite the bullet that's about to impale me
Or I won't be ready
May 2018 · 1.1k
I lost my best friend.
Mae May 2018
You're no longer the person I knew
Or the person I fell in love with
It breaks my heart to think that when the love between us ended
That was the last time I'd ever know you again
The moment it stopped you became a stranger
But worse than that, you were a monster
I was beyond close and intimate with you
We were walking side by side through life
Only for you to dump me
Nothing more than trash is how you treated me
And I hate what you became, the words you said to me
I fully hate who I am now and regret so much of my life
I lost my best friend
And I miss them
But they're dead and can never come back
**** do I miss them
What's wrong with me?
I just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay
Because my words are meaningless to myself
I just need someone else
I hope you never read this...I just need a new best friend.  But I can't even figure that out because I'm so ****** up.  I'm alone and want to die.  And everyone else is better than a piece of trash like me.  There will always be someone else more important.  Even in friendships.  I'm not special.  I'm not worth anyone's time.  My words are meaningless.  There's no point.
May 2018 · 3.0k
My attempt.
Mae May 2018
The sky cries for me
I walk alone
No thoughts or feelings
Just a desire to go
To the river
Into the river
Just to float
And maybe drown

My blue hair ripples
Cold water makes my body panic
My lungs are gasping
I fall under
Riding the current
Wherever it wants me to go
I float back to the surface
Thanks to my empty soul
Today's not the day
Perhaps tomorrow
May 2018 · 920
Just leave me behind.
Mae May 2018
Going 90 in a 45
Trying to catch up to a world that's passing me by
Knowing that it's pointless
I'm nothing but a huge mess

I close my eyes
and couldn't care less if I died
Because if I did
I know I wouldn't be missed

I rely too heavily on medication to keep me sane
To keep me from seeing this reality
One day without and I feel nothing but pain
And I have no motivation to take it again

Why not just leave it all?
Why not just end it all?
Not one reason is strong enough to stop me
Life is ****
So **** it all
May 2018 · 237
Insomnia.
Mae May 2018
I spend all day begging for my head to come in contact with a pillow
But when the clock finally permits this
I lie awake

For hours on end my mind is filled with noise and my heart feels hollow
Why do I still suffer like this
For goodness sake

I'm unable to feel sadness thanks to the medications I swallow
And the happiness I get from a kiss
Feels entirely fake

I know this is better than suffocating in the deepest shadow
That extended from my past
But still I ache
May 2018 · 926
Like a bed.
Mae May 2018
I am like a bed and you're my dreamer
I'll hold you tight and keep you safe
While your mind takes you to a different place
Entangle yourself in me and you'll never want to leave
As long as you're warm with me
I can offer the same subtle heat
Keeping it between us forever and always
Unfolding layer after layer
We find comfort in each other
Apr 2018 · 947
DAMN!
Mae Apr 2018
SHE BLOWS ME AWAY
with every breath
that she takes
it’s like some sort of drug
and my heart
it escalates
who could have known
that we’d get to this place
everything
feels so right
my chest is so tight
Do you feel the same?
or am I just insane
there’s something about you
that makes all the pain
go away
and I can’t believe I’m saying this
but I think
you’re right for me
together we
could stop it all
the pain
the shame
everything will just
go away
let’s go away
I know you will protect me
and keep me
safe from harm
and at night I’ll be warm
laying side by side
with my head resting on your arm
the nightmares will subside
if only for tonight
I finally get a rest
from this fight
as you hold me so tight

****.

I’ve fallen in love again.
Mar 2018 · 238
What's happened to me.
Mae Mar 2018
Back at it again
Knife in hand
But it's not the blood I want
It's the pain
The pain just makes it all go away
It's distracting
It's grounding
It makes me feel like I can control
what's around me;
what's happened to me

What's happened to me?

I don't really care about my past
I just know I don't want a future
The present is such an impossible inbetween
And I'm stuck

This isn't what I want
This isn't what others want for me
But their expectations
Their glances
I just want to go unnoticed
In the dark and in the quiet
Unloved and unwanted
Trigger warning.  I'm so sorry:/
Feb 2018 · 2.0k
Used and abandoned.
Mae Feb 2018
My love outlasted yours
like a tool, I let you use me
like a fool, I let you trick me

When you were silent I responded
because I knew you needed me
because I knew you could use me

You pushed me 300 miles away finally
but at least now it's just me
at least now it's just me
Feb 2018 · 1.3k
Eyes forward.
Mae Feb 2018
Unanswered questions float with me for days
Eating at my brain, making me decay
But this feeling inside of me, I can’t easily abandon
Its familiarity is comforting
And I’m not easily beaten

And so I chase after you with optimism
Hoping you’ll turn around and see my all
Standing there with open arms
So ready to catch you when you fall

There’s one simple reason why I do this to myself
Even if it’s just a remote possibility
More than anything I’m afraid to turn around
And see that there’s nothing behind me
Jan 2018 · 820
How I saw myself.
Mae Jan 2018
My dream was just like my everyday
walking about
watching my nieces play

Perfectly aligned with reality
in the restroom I gaze into a mirror
viewing myself with perfect clarity

Lifeless eyes
with redish-blue bags underneath them
Hair that had been cut all off
and dyed to resemble a rotten plum

My skin as pale as can be
Is this how I see myself?
...or is this how others see me?
Jan 2018 · 1.3k
Infatuation.
Jan 2018 · 428
Another episode.
Mae Jan 2018
Depression has me by the neck
its poison numbs my entire body
trapping me in an ever-state of paralysis
I lay motionless as I'm forced to endure
this deep pain swelling inside of me

So many times I've listened to others
and their experiences with this darkness
Not knowing one day it would grow in me as well
Life made this happen
and maybe death is the cure

The more I resist or try to hide it
the more it festers and increases its intensity
So maybe I should just give in
and float in my own pool of sadness
until the dawn rises
Jan 2018 · 1.2k
Recovery.
Mae Jan 2018
I thought my heart was gone for good
when you ripped it out so long ago
Every stranger that I have been with since then
proved this to me each and every time
But when I look at her I feel it grow back
and it immediately pulsates blood through
each inch of my cold body
I'm so incredibly fearful she'll be like you
I just want this to happen right
Maybe she's the one for me
and you were nothing more than temporary
Jan 2018 · 214
String.
Mae Jan 2018
So unwilling
to make a decision
on and on
it's neverending
I'm always waiting
so many others
one after another
always comparing

Clearly I'm not enough
or you'd be certain
I know it's not me
just make your decision
Jan 2018 · 1.2k
Familiar feelings.
Mae Jan 2018
Caught off guard, a familiar feeling returned to me
I thought had fled forever
leaving me empty
This new face, I know so little about
fills my heart with joy
and feelings I cannot doubt
Jan 2018 · 376
Happy birthday.
Mae Jan 2018
I feel the cuts along my side
today was the day I intended to commit suicide
I planned and planned to make distractions
but my birthday gift
was endless cancellations
As I sit alone I can't help but think,
"should my enticing plan be enacted?"
Jan 2018 · 429
Two-way mirror.
Mae Jan 2018
This glass between us holds a haze
that grows each and every day
I see you building up this steam
so you can freely waste away

But the reflection that you somehow see
regardless of the lack of transparency
I explain to you it doesn't come close
to what's in front of me

So tuck, duck, and hide away
it's not my fault you decided to betray
and spend all of your energy feeding
the monster in this mirror that's making you decay
Jan 2018 · 165
The path home.
Mae Jan 2018
Memories flash past me
as I drive the painfully familiar ride home

Memories of feelings
excitement, fear, and being alone

Each trip so different from the last
progressively becoming more sickening

Time only heals
because time changes everything
Jan 2018 · 1.4k
Polyamory vs Monogamy.
Mae Jan 2018
You had yet to discover that you were polyamorous
and I was purely monogamous
but we were in love

I just wanted you
but you wanted others
as well as me

When we first met
you looked at me as if I were the only person
that sees the world as you do

After years of beautiful memories
your eyes no longer looked at me that way
and you broke my heart as well as my trust

But instead of seeing yourself as a cheat
and begging for forgiveness
you asked me to accept this new side of you

Polyamory...
am I terrible for not being open minded enough
to accept this new and mysterious concept?

Because I can't help but see it as
a pathetic excuse
for you to hide behind
instead of facing the truth
This piece is not meant to target people who practice polyamory, however I am really struggling to come to terms with it.  Please feel free to share your experiences with polyamory, I'd love to hear some testimonies.
Jan 2018 · 1.6k
All that remains.
Mae Jan 2018
As I examine the contents of my soul
I’m disheartened by how much is missing,
and the condition of the remains
Over three years of regrowth;
over three years of growing pains
Your roots wove to every corner
The voids they left give me hell
After everything you put me through
It’s a feeling I know all too well
Jan 2018 · 1.1k
SOB.
Mae Jan 2018
You came straight from hell
You *******
You ate my heart
Only to ditch
The future you promised me
Will no longer exist
With someone like you
You son a *****
Jan 2018 · 276
Hunger.
Mae Jan 2018
I miss the words
You fed me daily
So incredibly nourishing
Though completely empty

I’m starving now
With no words to intake
Please come back
I don’t care that it was fake
Jan 2018 · 999
Careless intimacy.
Mae Jan 2018
Your teeth clench onto my skin as you struggle to contain your beautiful sounds
I admit, I feel more pleasure in physical pain than anything in this world these days
And although I love making you happy,
this careless intimacy that we share will never last a lifetime
Forgive me, I just crave the sweet chemicals that temporarily relieve this pain
Jan 2018 · 971
What's in the box?
Mae Jan 2018
The box calls to me from the corner of the room while I’m alone
It lures me in with hollow whispers
As I draw close to it I see a light peeking through
And like a child on Christmas I open it as if its contents are unknown to me
Instantly, the creature inside swallows my mending heart leaving me empty
But your hunger is ever-present
And nothing will quench it
I break away only because you let me
Never a chase
After being free I immediately begin to heal
Only to be consumed once again
Jan 2018 · 186
Terminal.
Mae Jan 2018
The most painful things within me
Will forever be hidden
Unleashing it will **** me instantly
So holding it back is my only option to delay the inevitable
It begs me to release it
As it tortures me it whispers into my ear
Death is my only freedom
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