Don’t act like you’ve changed
Like all the words you said to me
Aren’t echoing in my brain

Like damage done was just simply erased
by a single panned frame
I’d love to say your love healed me
A benefit of the doubt
But all your “love” did
Was **** me and make me

Crumbled down
I felt defeated
All my hope
Had been depleted
You took what was left
And burned it up
Had to learn how to
Pick myself up
And when you left
I blocked the door
Nails in the wood
Pulled out the floor
Anything to keep out
But then you just
burned down My house
I had to rebuild
InTo someone new
Tried to make myself
Forget about you
But I still hear
Your words echo
Try to prevent
The bites at my soul
Looking in the mirror
And becoming
Someone I don’t know

I am
moving forward
A light in hand
Moving toward
A better plan
To guard my heart
And keep it safe
Make sure I’m loved
In the next place
That I call home

And I just need
Something better
Than what was there
A stable ground
Built on God and
Just being sincere

And
Please no contact
I don’t want to talk
And Pretend it didn’t happen
Like you gave a ****

I’m still hurting here
But I’m healing here
And I’m happy

I do not pity myself
or the scars that have been made
from others actions
and my own
but I do grieve the pain
that I have been caused
by the people
I have lost over time.


In 6 months time
I am pleased in the strides
I’ve made in healing
and recovery.

The more
I spend time alone,
the more I learn about myself
and what I need.

In time I will be ready to dive in again
but for now watch and wait
for the waves
to shift.

For the trees to grow,
and for new life to
come to the surface
of the dirt and soot
where hearts had
once been planted.

I wish I could show you this feeling if you haven't felt it before.

Not that I would ever want you to but
have you ever sat down in the bottom of a dark closet?

That's what it feels like to me.

Have you ever felt like your bones were glass and you were a empty vase?

That's what it feels like to me.

Have you ever felt like you were make of cement,
heavy but hollowed out on the inside?

That's what it feel like to me.

Have you ever felt like if you closed your eyes there is the possibility that when you open them back up you will see the black is still behind your eyelids?

That's what it feels like to me.

I miss that feeling of love. The warm one that makes you feel safe and happy in the spot your standing in? Even if it's in the middle of busy highway with race car drivers on each side and they're testing to see how fast they can go without killing them selves and that kind of like me. I race as fast I can to get to the finish line and the second before I reach the line I remember that if I stop, that means the race is over so I just keep running in place so maybe it'll seem like I'm still moving and everything is okay. Even when I know it's not. You were at the end of finish line cheering me on and left when it got too tiring. I said to myself "oh he went to lay down, he'll be back." And so I kept running in place until I realized it's been 6 months and he wasn't coming back. While lost love is painful, I know I'll find it again and it'll be better. I will find someone awake enough to cheer me on until the race is over and I've won.

there has to be some defect inside me
to only attract people
who do easily can leave me
without a fight.

I'll mask these feelings
in alcoholic drinks and cigarettes
in dim lit bars and busy coffee shops.
I am left to accept kisses from just as lonely people that I have never met
and never will have the chance to.

No one shows you the inside anymore.
It's all about the exterior
because as I've learned
the second you show the inside,
they leave and it hurts more
than it did when you were alone.

I hope it doesn't stay this way forever
because God knows we all deserve a little favor
and a little better than what we've been given.

I stood up for you and covered your *** too many times to count.

Sometimes I wonder why I did it
when you treated me so badly
in the end of it.
We had our good moments but that was when we were alone, when you shined a different way and after awhile that faded into the person (maybe you wanted it that way) everyone else saw you as:
selfish, mean, bigoted person.
And I wonder why I often allowed you into my life, and clung onto to you so strongly and why I let you ruin me/let me ruin a wonderful relationship until I finally gained the strength to let go of you and I remember:
I wanted to help you.
I wanted to heal you.
I wanted to love you,
in anyways a could (as a lover and then a friend)
but you wouldn't let me.

You are just like me.
I could not help you
because
I could not help myself.
Now I have, and I am
and I hope you can
do the same for yourself.
I no longer wish you hell,
I wish you well.
Have a nice life,
shining honey bear.
((even if you'll never see this))

My lips were numb the first time I kissed you
And I think my brain was too
I pulled your face to mine in the winter air
because I was lonely
and everything felt like a dream

I wish it was.

The second night I saw you
I got too drunk to even function
because you kept buying me drinks
and I kept drinking them
because I didn't want you to think I didn't like you

That same night you said I offered ***
like it was some cheap deal
made under faulty lighting.

I never did.

The last night, I saved you
from being stuck in Mt. Adams
outside a bar.
This time you were the one too drunk.
You walked to my car,
and tried to give me directions.

Arriving at your apartment,
and you parked my car.
We went upstairs and you ate.
Dumped your food
and I offered to clean it up for you.
Then you ate me,
even when I said no
but I offered to clean that up too.
In fact I had to.

And here I am regretting all
And claiming it as all my fault.
I didn't read the red flags
because my glasses
made mine
white.