skipping rocks and skipping meals
magazines are teaching her to eat less, no matter how she feels

models on instagram, tiktok, youtube, and twitter
setting unrealistic expectations with their photoshop and glitter

in size two jeans, hoping to squeeze into ones
it looks like she's living the dream, but in reality, it's not a good one

1000 calories or less, isn't it nice?
she's living in an eating disorder nightmare disguised as paradise

she's losing weight, but not feeling as though she's won
she doesn't want this anymore, when will this be done?

she's dropping pounds, but feeling so shattered
compliments left and right, but it's hard to feel flattered

she's eating nothing at lunch until she's too light to function
the cafeteria starts to feel like a dungeon

feeling sick when she eats "too much"
kneeling in the bathroom using the toilet as a crutch

and then she overcompensates with exercise
when will the people around her start to hear her cries?

things are out of control, it's becoming too much for her to handle
her world feels as though it's starting to dismantle

her mental & physical health is deteriorating as she loses the weight
when will they see what it's doing to her? hopefully before it's too late

i parked my car in your driveway
promising myself i was over you
and waited for a moment
promising myself i was over you
my head rested in my hands
promising myself i was over you
i heard myself open the car door
promising myself i was over you
and shut it
promising myself i was over you
i jogged up your gravel driveway
promising myself i was over you
and almost turned around
promising myself i was over you
i hopped up the porch steps
promising myself i was over you
and knocked three times
promising myself i was over you
i blinked
promising myself i was over you
and you were suddenly there
promising myself i was over you
no words were spoken
promising myself i was over you
your blue eyes like the sea
promising myself i was over you
you smiled
promising myself i was over you
and i realized you didn’t hate me
promising myself i was over you
you asked if i was okay
promising myself i was over you
i lied
promising myself i was over you
“yeah, i’m better than ever”
promising myself i was over you
you said you were glad we could still be friends
promising myself i was over you
i lied again
promising myself i was over you
“me too.”
realizing i wasn’t over you

i fear that the beauty you see in me
will fade
as soon as you see me undressed
i fear that our forever
won’t be as long as you promised
once you get a taste of my lips
and i blame myself
for not being enough for you
when in reality
i am full
and you are empty
you try and empty me
in order
to fill yourself
i beg you
please
don’t empty me

parchment paper moon
stars sprinkled across the sky
laying on your chest
my heartbeat dancing with yours
i wonder if this is love

your eyes
focused on me
until i look back at you
you shyly turn away
and i’m left to wonder
whether i’m crazy
or you feel the same way

he takes one more gulp
finishing the bottle
whiskey dripping from his lips
he looks at you
you are frozen
as he drunkenly stands up
he sharply wipes his upper lip
and then licks them
your eyes look left
and then right
searching for your younger sister
thankfully
she is nowhere to be seen
as the home you shared
was now unsafe
you don’t move
as he takes a step toward you
paralyzed under his watch
you start to sweat
he swears under his breath
and you are beyond nervous now
you hear his belt unbuckle
before you see it drop to the floor
your mind tells you to run
but your feet do not move
his eyes squint at you
as he says, “don’t you think it’s past your bedtime?”
and you silently sit still
praying to God that he will turn around
he does not
in fact, he starts moving in your direction
faster now
and you squirm in your seat
afraid of what comes next
you look into his black, soulless eyes
hoping he will see your innocence
he does not
his zipper is now undone
and his grimy fingers
roughly jerking at your skirt
you are afraid
but the numbness sets in
and your eyes become heavy

light pierces the leaves
under the oak, you with me
october ends us
they say nothing good can last
you, my love, have proven this

dear younger me
i beg you
keep falling in love
with your heart
not your head
and please
remember that no one
ever fell in love
being cautious and afraid
remember to be
open and truthful
patient and forgiving
and above all else
be the person
you wish to
fall in love with

hey, it's me again
i'm just calling to say
that the sunset
reminded me of you tonight
so enticing
illuminating
and beautiful
but at the same time
so intense
fiery
and passionate
drawing me in
closer and closer
until i'm in your presence
and within a moment i'm
drenched in darkness
danger
and silence

i stay
only because
the dazzling starlight
hidden in the rubble
of darkness
reminds me of
the moments before dusk

thunder, lightning
rain pours on our heads
you look up and smile
a not so rare moment
of pure happiness and
you are beautiful
your long locks now wet
and dripping and
you are still smiling
glad to be alive
i wish i was like you
but i am not
don't you realize
you are the only reason
my heart continues to pump
and my lungs continue to
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
i feel your warm breath
on my skin
and we finally meet
in a passionate kiss
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale

you worth more than you think
you are more beautiful than you know
you are stronger than you believe

and you are loved
oh
so
loved

when will you realize
the love living within my heart
resides
survives
exists

only for you

beneath the pale stars
your strong arms holding me tight
the clock strikes midnight
carriage returns to pumpkin
dress of silk and gold to rags

tears roll down her face
feeling like empty space

she feels one with the earth
and can't wait for him to notice her worth

i feel myself
losing the emotions
i once felt deeply for you
and catching feelings
for another
i'm sorry
but my heart doesn't flutter
when i see you anymore
my heart is busy
pining
but not for you

remind me
why my heart breaks
when you touch my face

remind me
why anymore when i see you
my heart doesn’t race

remind me
why when i think of you
i almost feel mad

remind me
why your words hurt me
and make me feel bad

please
i’m begging you
remind me

when i think of last summer
i smell the scent of chlorine filling my lungs
i feel the warm sun coloring my shoulders
i hear the lawn mower running next door
i love these things
because they remind me of you
but i hate these things
because they remind me of you
i can’t choose
what i remember
and what i forget    
i smell the aroma of your cologne
i feel your arm around me
i hear you singing all the songs on the radio
and no matter what i do
i can’t let myself
let go
of what was

maybe i’ll never know
what will be
maybe i’ll find myself
living in the past
i guess
the past is comfortable to me

gossip
like a
raging fire
burning, glowing
wild flames
steam rising
crackling popping
red, hot
spreading uncontrollably
who knows
what will
survive, escape
amidst the debris
everything lost
anger, tears

and the
fire fighters
come only
to explain
“source, unknown”

i cannot sleep
the seasons change
and with it, my feelings
my feet are cold
literally and figuratively
my blankets are warm
but not warm enough
to drag me
into deep
slumber
i wait for
sleep to overcome me
it does not come

my quill like a dagger
my paper is skin
with each line
dragging deeper and deeper
hitting nerves
and cutting to the bone

love
without risk isn't
love
at all

i'm searching for
someone who actually
cares about me
someone who notices
my presence
and preferably,
craves it

you were my strength and my weakness

i didn't know it,
but in that moment,
you were my everything

you are my favorite song

so today you sat by me at lunch and tried to talk to me
just like i said you would
even though your new best friend is in our lunch too
so why did you do that?
why did you that knowing that you would go back to her
the next period
gossiping with her
instead of with me
why did you do that completely aware
that it would hurt me
physically
mentally
and emotionally

to be understood
you have to be willing to understand
to be loved
you have to be willing to love
to be cared for
you have to be willing to care
if you are unwilling
to meet other people's needs
how do you expect them
to meet yours

you are the one
living in the back of my head
and in my heart
within me

you are the one
i think of when it gets dark
and when i'm alone,
it's you i crave

you are the one
and no matter what i do,
at the end of the day,
it's you

you don't even know me
i catch feelings too easily

what if forgetfulness
is the heart’s only defense
against painful memories

i’m drowning in the fluorescent lights of the daily
my routine is wearing me down
i long for the spontaneity of the past
the sunlit warmth of summer days uncorrupted by a schedule

the rut of the day-to-day is killing me
from within my bones i can feel it
it's seeping out, poisoning each moment
am i alone? does anyone else feel it?

and here i am
waiting
for tomorrow
to fade into today
excitement runs through my veins
my heart rate rises
and here i am
waiting

when we shared our last kiss
there was a can of orange crush in the cupholder between us
when it was over i looked away and bit my lip
i didn't know that you would break my trust

i didn't know that it was the beginning of the end of us

you aren’t worth it
my pain
my tears
my thoughts

too many people
have asked me
what's wrong
lately

how transparent am i?

and so i lie again
saying everything's fine
with a counterfeit smile
and eyes begging
for a cure
a cure to a seemingly incurable disease
a disease i like to call
loneliness

i don't know
how to respond
to what's wrong
when everything
seems like the
truest yet
most painful
answer

each love and i
like passing trains
whistling to each other
but never staying long

i write
not what you
want to hear
but what you
need to hear

a war within her heart
breaking down walls
tearing itself apart

when will you realize
complimenting her beauty
doesn’t lessen yours

i wish i could be happy for you
you're moving on
to bigger and better things
things beyond what i could give you
things i don't have

i'm sorry
but i have a feeling that
you moving forward
is actually me being left behind

i've come to the conclusion
souls are ageless
eternal
we will exist in the great beyond
a different dimension
a place no living creature
has ever seen

i fear myself
hurting you

i know you tried to commit suicide last year
we all knew
and i was there for you
actually
i was the only one there for you
we all went through things last year
and our conversations were like medicine to me
i know they helped you too
but it's not the same this year
i wish i knew why
suddenly you don't sit by me in classes
you ditch me for your boyfriend more than usual
and your new friend
your new "best friend" to be exact
the girl neither of us liked
and the girl who goes through her "best friends"
quicker than anything else
and she'll drop you too
i know she will
i think you know deep down too

you don't text or call
or even send streaks most nights
i'm sorry if i did something wrong
i really am
and i'd probably be really happy again
if you'd simply forgive me
but in all honesty
i know it wasn't my fault
and i wish it was
at least if it was my fault
there would be a possibility
that everything would go back to normal

but it can't
it never will
and i'm sorry that i'm not willing to let it
but if i was to let it
that would mean i'd be willing to get hurt again
and i'm not ready for that

i just wanted to let you know that
i know you and you boyfriend are having problems
i know you don't deserve that
but i also know that i don't deserve to hear it from him
instead of from the girl i was calling my best friend days ago
and no matter what
i just want you to know
that no matter what happens
i'll be there for you
and no
i'm not saying it will be like the good old days
because it won't
and i would never lie to you

i'm still coming to terms with the fact
that it will never be the same as it once was
but the difference between you and i
is that while you're busy breaking me
i'll be ready to pick up the pieces
next time you feel as worthless
as i do right now

i used to lay
on the hard sidewalk
sandwiched between the street
and the subway station
in the early morning
and feel the rhythmic
tap
    tap
       tap
of each step
of each passerby
wondering for each
what are your struggles
your everyday fight
what breaks you
and defeats your pupose
then i stay
and wait
until the familiar faces
pass by again
and by now
it is dark
and cold
when they walk by
i wonder once more
what reminded you to live today
what is the reason you keep on surviving
why do you continue to breathe today
who showed you how to overcome
i've noticed since then
that i don't remember
the faces
no
i remember the eyes
the familiar eyes
that remind me of
the struggle to live
the fight to survive
the broken breaths
the defeats
and i'm reminded
that no one showed you how to overcome

each heart that touches mine
is a medication
a perfect drug
a hope

but when they go
they're a dagger
dragging deep
into an already weeping wound

i spend each night
tossing and turning
while you sleep peacefully beside her

you've never missed a minute of sleep
while i could log nights of sleep
lost to thoughts of you

it’s been three days
but i can still hear the sound of our song playing on your old car radio
i can still smell the scent of your favorite cologne
i can still feel your hand resting on my knee as you drove
i can still taste the strawberry milkshakes we shared

when will i stop thinking of you constantly?
when will i move on?
how long will i feel this emptiness inside where your heart used to reside?

i know it’s for the best
but is it truly the best
if it isn’t the for better or for worse
that i dreamt of?

it’s been three days
i hope you’re doing well

long before
she was ready to be on her own
she was alone
in a mediocre neighborhood
that her family couldn’t even afford to stay in
living month by month
day by day
wondering when the landlord would kick her out
wondering when her dad would sober up
wondering when her mom wouldn’t be sick anymore
and she longs for the day
when everything would come to an end
so she wouldn’t have to wonder anymore

i say i'm moving up in the world
while i run in place
and no matter how fast i run
i'm not going anywhere

a plant crowded in its ***
a dog stuck in his cage
a girl caught in bad habits

the time passes too quickly
we're dripping in and out of darkness
melting into morning
the blinding brightness
waking us up from our perfect dream
into the nightmarish reality

there was always something about your eyes
and the way they shined last December
i thought it'd last forever and although it didn't
it's one of the things about you that i'll always remember

eventually i realized
maybe it wasn't meant to be
see, we'd be perfect together
but it's not perfect unless you also want me

although there's nothing noble
about holding on to unreciprocated love
it's challenging for me to avoid
because my feelings for you aren't easy to dispose of

i guess it's time to let you go
i simply cannot wait for you forever
but i'll never forget the sound of your laugh
or your tendency to be so clever

and because no one else compares
i can only think of you
then the memories start to rush in
and the wound feels brand new

falling in love felt like the storybooks
but I don't remember one where the couple doesn't end up together
i guess we've written a new tale
a beautiful and heartbreaking adventure

tomorrow is the last day

an adventure coming to an abrupt close
an unexpected that i should have seen from a mile away
a journey i never wanted to end

the last four years
the normalcy
the expected

tomorrow is the last day