it still makes me sick to my stomach
the thought of you with her tonight
the moonlight touching your pale skin
and your fragile fingers tracing hers
it's only chemicals but no spark or scream or sight
has made me feel like you made me feel
I want to inhale your every breath
and watch every word drop from your tongue
I want to kiss your neck as you sleep
and hold you close as you dream

but instead
all I have
is my heart
not yours
and mine is
s
  i
   n
     k
       i
        n
          g
to the bottom of the sea

I finally saw you again after 34 days
and
in between those 34 days
I strongly believed I was over you
but then I saw you
                 I remembered
how all your imperfect flaws made me fall for you                        
                 I remembered
how you made my stomach fill with
little
      colorful
           meaningful
                    butterflies
                  I remembered
how your words made my heart melt like wax
and then
                  I remembered
that I'm not actually over you

j.f

“When I was young, you fascinated me.
You were always so beautiful
So perfect.
You had a wide smile,
and beautifully deep eyes.
You had a glowing warmth,
that my childhood body grew up surrounded in.
In your arms I felt safe and whole.
Your arms were my home.

When your arms began to get weaker and weaker,
I couldn’t understand.
Where was the life I once knew?
The life I loved so dearly?
The soul was still there,
But the life,
The life was slipping away.
Your arms were my home,
But you were letting in the rain.
The house was crumbling before our eyes,
And you couldn’t help it.

The last time I ever saw you again,
Was on a cool summers morning.
You were sat in a wheelchair,
And it wasn’t your home.
You smiled amidst a backdrop of wild greens, and pretty flowers.
I asked you to stay with me always,
And you promised you would.
Your arms were my home.
I’d be without shelter otherwise.

Well, God works in weird and wonderful ways,
And the day your soul departed from my world,
Was the day my heart crumbled,
Into a thousand tiny pieces.
I had convinced myself that you had broken your promise.

But my twenty year old self looks back,
With hindsight,
With knowledge,
With faith and with wisdom,
That a thirteen year old girl can never have.

You kept your promise.
You are always with me.
In a light summer rain,
In a bitter winters night,
Amidst the beautiful browns and golds of an Autumn day.

You are the beautiful warmth that fills my heart,
Every time it beats.

Your arms are always my home.”

Whatever you do,
Don't fall in love
With loveless boys.

The boys who stay awake
Until 4 am taking long drags
On cigarettes and blowing
The smoke into the wind.

The boys who down bottles
Of whiskey at a time and
Wipe their mouths with their
Sleeves, eyeing you from
Across the room as they do.

The boys who frequent
Alleyways and rooftops
And libraries because
They are anything but
Ordinary.

The boys who watch you
Fall in love with them and
Don't feel a **** thing
For you as you do.

He was a fireplace
in a brutal winter,
who's warmth extended
to me,
close enough to be embraced by it.
He was the first leaf
to fall in autumn,
giving me the guidance to land second.
He was soil
from the purest garden of spring.
Baring fruit
to nourish my
eager body.
And now
He is my protecter this summer.
A cloud wide enough
withstand the powerful sun.
He keeps me from the heat
of  raging hell.
The fire that boils hate
in my heart,
that turns violently
inside of my chest,
this summer night.
He protects me from
summers temptation.
He prays
for the seasons to change.