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Madds Dec 2021
It wasn’t a pleasant belly laugh joy ride
Like a 4 year old smiling on a rotating plastic pony.
It was a ******* wood chipper.
And you slowly fed me through.
A ******* whirlwind.
Where you pushed me in, limb by limb.
And I swear, before my head got forced in,
I swear for a second I saw you finally smile.
I could describe it like a horror movie villain,
Like some mythical demon,
But you were so much more terrifying.

Though, I fear you forgot how strong I am.
You were quick to believe you had me deep under your spells.
I don’t stay broken for long,
I reform stronger.

I’m not scared of you anymore,
So if you’re like Stephen king’s clown;
He who floats in the sewers,
You can no longer thrive and survive off my fear.
It’s dissipated.
Without a lifeline now, and soon you will die.
In reference to a poem my ex asked me to write called “merry-go-round” back in 2015.
Madds Nov 2021
I’m sorry.. i’m sorry to the people you call your friends.
But I’m not sorry… I feel no remorse
For their wilful ignorance.

And the loss of losing them in my life
Keeps me weightless.

I know you’d want to,
I know you love to knock me down again.
Punch me in the face, knock out my teeth,
Fracture my wrist and leave me black and blue
For another Christmas and new year.
Just for old times sake.

But I am weightless.
Flying like helium balloons released in happy memory at a wake.
I soar without you.

I don’t need to hope,
Or pretend.

I know you’re sinking.
“ I'm sure it was tough to write but also this makes me smile to see how far you have come. And one day, you will be past this and these will be a memory of the past and how far you've soared.”
Madds Nov 2021
Your promises of forever and love
Were not permanent with devotion entwined.
They were empty and fractured.
A freezing reality of my deep seeded submissiveness (a poison).
Believing you was the vicious rumbling of my foundations.
Ferocious rattling amidst the tornado winds tore me to pieces.
A silver lining, though, reveals itself through everything.
Sometimes directly after the fact,
But mine shone through years and months later.

I’m better for it.

Maybe because at the time I wasn’t succeeding at treading flood water.
Maybe my lungs were too full of thick, black water that you polluted and brewed within me.

Either way, the gruelling wait.
The heart breaking, tormenting, torturing wait was so worth it.

I am better for it.

At each second I feel your toxins seep from my veins, my bones, my skin and slowly sink back into the ground.
And the space is replaced with a magnitude of better things.
Freedom… love… myself…
Madds Sep 2021
You found me
Shrivelled and collapsed
Wilted and completely withdrawn,
Dangling on the brink of death.
A shell of myself,
A prospect of what I was meant to be.

But you stopped…
Reached out,
Hands open,
Heart whole and bright,
Watered and held me,
Dragged me into the sunlight.

Unable to stand
You held the stake I grew upon
Kissed and nurtured and tended to me.
You let me rise and find my strength.
You showed me the warmth I’ve never felt.
I shone once more.

I’ve never been so loved, so supported…
h o m e .

I’m so thankful.
I’m so happy.
I’m so me.

And I love you.
Madds Jul 2021
You can say you made me,
Created me all you want,
But the truth is
I’ve always built myself,
This has been the finest creation I’ve made with raw hands.
All you ever did
Was stamp me down,
Keep me squashed
Under the weight of your narcissism.

But I’ve grown strong,
Bashed and wriggled and crawled out
From under your gloomy shadow.
And I’m shining again.
A certified self-made masterpiece.
You swim in your swamp of self-made chaos, and yet some how you enjoy it.
And some how these spineless, brainless people follow you.
Madds Jul 2021
saying goodbye is a strange gesture.
the lingering knowledge you'll see them again
eases the startling punch of the word.
but when you're fully resolved,
when you've finally dug yourself out of the depths,
saying goodbye to the single person you saw your entire life with,
twists your insides,
stretches them out
and when they snap back
you're left standing stationery with whiplash.

this exact moment,
all the fear and heart break,
bundled tightly into the lump in my throat,
should be making me feel more severely than it is.
but i almost feel nothing,
and you feel like a lifetime ago.

i feel deeply...
so you should be haunting me.

but you're not.

and i've finally let go.

i've finally let go.
Madds Jul 2021
you're not worth anything to me.
the stock markets down
and my veins run dry
of your scent.
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