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Madds Jan 2020
I’m going to watch you walk away from me one day
And the world will flatten, finally.
And I think I’ll let the ocean
Take me that day...
And I think I’ll let you be the end of me.
I’ve been thinking about drowning again.
But I’ve found home in the nape of your neck.
I’m still scared.
Madds Jul 2019
I wonder what it’s like to dream...
What is it like...?
To dream anything but static.
Madds Jun 2019
It’s the kind of sadness where your rib cage
Contorts
And twists and
Snaps.

Depression doesn’t float through my veins
It crawls through my bones, with dagger hands
And winding movements.

I cannot breathe.

And yet there was nothing taken from me.
But then again you took everything all at once the moment you looked in my eyes, covered my mouth and forced me down.

I don’t know why your smell still lingers in my every thought.

I’m not scared anymore.
Madds May 2019
I said I’d do things...
Be productive...
Complete tasks essential to us moving forward.


I lied.


This is how my depression sings.


And it dances as a 3 tonne black ball cowering in the middle of my bed.

I am crushed

And I am so sorry that I haven’t done as promised.
I will get better.
Madds Apr 2019
I am swallowed whole...
And immediately squashed
By the unrelenting truth
That I am

A f a i l u r e.

I twist and scream but
Cannot move.


I am in pain.
Start again.
Madds Mar 2019
It’s disheartening and debilitating to come to the realisation that yes...

I want to die


Or...


At the very least hurt myself severely.

And I am ashamed.
Terrified.
Sick to my stomach because that thought should never cross my mind
But I’m stuck here day in and day out
With it dancing across my frontal lobe taunting me.
‘Dying would be a delight’.

Impenetrable prison bars line my serotonin and dopamine deprived brain.
And the straight jacket I’m in steals my ability to break my bones to drown out the silence.

‘I always wanna die. I always wanna die’.
Madds Mar 2019
Everything is dark.



And everything hums with white noise.


I am buried six feet down in sadness


I wonder if the wind will blow soon, and carry away the weight of my mind.
Or serotonin will flood this hole I’m stuck in.
At least I’ll die happy
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