i feel my mind getting sicker
polluted by my constant being alone
i suppose i have ambitions but my unsettling disregard for how my life turns out clouds every corner of my thoughts
i rather dabble with alcoholism than improve my art
i rather block out all the noise of the world with music every day and every night than try harder to graduate
i rather drive myself insane stuffing every issue inside my head to mingle with my frustration and befriend my sadness than simply tell people how i feel
i rather die than live to age 30 and see my beauty fade right before my eyes
i rather pull away from great people than risk them trying to analyze what my impulsive and irrational actions mean
this is how it feels to hit rock bottom at seventeen

There's not enough songs about being alone.

Not like your friends are busy and your family is out and you've just had your heart broken.

Like your friends were never really your friends and have finally given up on the charade. Like your family is surrounding you physically, but they just don't understand - because they just don't care. Like you've gone your whole entire God ****** life without being called beautiful by anyone that matters - let alone be loved by someone. Like you give and give to anyone who is willing to take - anyone who even looks your way without a hint of disgust on their face - you give until you're empty and you have nothing left. You can't even keep yourself company because some part of you is convinced you don't even exist. Like the loneliness that drives you absolutely insane.

Exactly that kind of alone.

when you ask me: how do you feel?
what i say is: I'm good, how are you?
when i really mean: I'm scared. of loosing the fight,
i  feel hopeless, i almost lost last night.

when you ask: do you want to eat?
what i say is: no I'm not hungry. i had a big lunch
when what i really mean is: yes. i haven't eaten in days.
please tell me to eat because i will if you tell me to.

when you say: you look sad, are you aright?
what i say is: yeah I'm fine. i just finished a sad book.
when what i mean is: no. I'm not. please help me because
i feel lost. and alone. I'm scared.

when you ask me: why don't you smile more?
i say: i don't know
but i really mean: i feel to alone to smile.
and i don't have the energy to.

when you ask me: what wrong?
all i say is: nothing
but inside I'm screaming: i feel like i can't breathe.
the sun is to bright it hurts my eyes. can you help me?

so listen to my words and if i ever say: I'm alright
know that I'm most definitely not alright.
its okay its not your fault you didn't hear
i hid my thoughts
but i live in fear.

you tell me I'm smart
that I'm strong
that i can do it

but how can i be smart when i can't do simple math
how can i be strong when some days i can barely drag myself out of bed
how can i do it when i can't eat my breakfast

you tell me I'm pretty
that I'm fine
that it will be okay

but how can i be pretty when i look in a mirror i see someone who is not me
how can i be fine when life seems grey and dull
how can it be okay when the days drag on and on and i just want to sleep

you tell me you love me
that I'm safe
that I can live

but how can you love someone as broken as me
how can i be safe when I'm with myself
how can i live when i can barely survive

you tell me that you'll be there for me
that you'll always be here
that no matter what ill have you

but how can you be when you don't understand what going on
how can you be here when i can say the same
how can i always have you when I'm afraid of scaring you off

you tell me lies and i can't tell you that i don't believe you
because it would hurt you
and i can't do that
im so sorry
but i just can't believe

“I’m tired,”
but
her eyes fell to her
feet and her weariness
was not found scrambling
across the floor

“I’m not hungry,”
but
her stomach screamed
at the mere idea of
a tangible item perching
within it

“I just don’t feel good,”
but
her mind was jumbled
into a trainwreck
while the survivors
continuously terminated
themselves instead of
living with the guilt
of breathing

“I’m fine,”
but
the streetlight in her
eyes has long winked
out
sending the whole block
into lonely midnight

and
she'll let her body become a
grave site for the lost memories
of happiness that
used to perch along her veins

-DDF