for the past 8 months
i've been hating myself
for loving you like this
because you don't respect me
you never have, never will
you cheated
you cheated
you cheated
you were "curious"
you were "wondering
if i was the one"
you "wanted to be sure"
in truth, i couldn't see
the tearing down that was occurring
but now that i finally
said
"enough"
i'm sitting here empty
feeling less than enough.
you did a number on me
without me even realizing it
i've got bruises on my ego
on my soul now
who are you to have done this?
is this my karma, my choices
reflected back onto me?
i feel like a mirror of an old person
someone i used to be
battered and broken
when i should be walking on
golden fields of lavender and
smelling sweet kisses of self loving
breezes.
i needed this. i needed to feel this.
for now, somehow
i will truly

accept the love i think i deserve.

i have a vision in my head
of the person you will be
with your long, delicate fingers
and with your love of the sea

i see you in my dreams
daisies sprouting round your feet
for wherever you walk,
there, always the stars meet

aligned in some fashion
the coat of orion bright
and your eyes sparkle gently
in the low, dim lights

i have a vision in my mind
of you, laying across my bed
your body an open book
just waiting to be read.

how i could kiss those lips
so thin and ripe with thought
how i could kiss that forehead
if only this love could be bought

from the store or down the street
i promise, anything i would give
just to have that vision in my head
come right to life and live

why is love so complex
why can't it be freeing
in the way i dream
in the way i see
for love shouldn't be so hard
and yet
i can never seem to get it right
it must be me
i must be the problem.
what is it about myself
that i hate so much that
i would be willing to destroy myself
disrespect myself and others
what is it...
blood under the fingernails
sour breath of death
i haven't the slightest clue
but i just want to be happy.
is that such a difficult thing to ask?

the simplicity and ease
of loving you
gives me the hope and courage
that our bond is true

for unlike before
you see right through me
and you break down those walls
crack my core at sea

my heart breaks open
like a crystallized quartz
blushed in the center
bruised at the edge

delicate hands,
you push my hair aside
your eyes, copper discs searching
for meaning,
for answers.
finding solace in the places
you never sought
and finally, some great reward
beckons you forward and you grip it
i, behind you, gently taking your arm
ready for the leaps and bounds
across mountains and seas
hoping, knowing, finally,
that you are the one for me.

there was a time
when all i needed
was to see your face
and that put me to rest
but now, it's like a faded
painting of some sky,
somewhere, with streaks
of light and a sunset so pure.

i remember sitting on the bank
of that small island with you
the ocean in our palms
and the promises of a future
wrapped around our fingers
how simple life seemed
for me, i thought of building
a home with you and a life
that would bring happy
christmases and merry times
with family and friends
everything seemed so right
so perfect, fitting together
like a perfect puzzle would.

but now, after a tumultuous
break and fiery words
and angry calls and lashes of the tongue
i look back and wonder,
where did it all go?

that seemingly beautiful and
simple life has simply vanished
and in its place, as far as love is concerned,
there has been nothing but heartache
and attempts to find someone
who matches me as well as you.

but the truth behind the veil
and the question i constantly seek
is: did you really match me as well as i thought?
or was it another attempt
in another part of my life
to recreate a love i never had
never saw
never experienced
never knew

the answer lies in my heart
and it is burned into the palms
of my hands as they wrap
around my next attempt
my next love
and hopefully the last

nature answers with wind
making a hush sound through
the leaves of yellow and green
and i make this sound too

as i lean into you, exhale
and you sigh into me, inhale
divinity and cosmic creation
within one single detail

that detail being your existence
something so great but seemingly small
the world, so large and so many souls
but your heart and soul standing tall.

your eyes hold such degrees of pain
searing burns, deep cuts, wounds of old
and yet, they also comment on love
true, deep, bronze, and gold.

i wish you could see what i see
behind your smile, and dimples, so cute
i wish you could see what i see
inside of your heart, inside of you.

we all have our demons begging to return
we all have emptiness knocking on our door
we all have evil, we all are villains
and yet, we still stand at the shore

of another person's life, and love, and loss
and we allow our toes to sink in their sand
the water so deep before us, an ocean of emotion
we make a choice to go into the water or stay on the land.

my choice is to dive in, though the water is dark
i know not what is there, it's disarming
but knowing that you're with me in this
makes the journey not seem so alarming

the moments i spend with you,
i become more enraptured
the moments i learn with you,
i become more captured

you're the answer to the question
you're the fire in my heart
the coffee i need in the morning
you're part of the life i want to start

so will you join me in this crazy world
will you take my hand and run?
will you dance with me, make art with me
will you allow me to be your sun?

the choice is yours, it is not mine to make
but you, yes you --
can have this heart to break.

i want to scream at the top of the world
and proclaim to the people
that you are the one i love
but i sit at the base of the mountain
with my legs crossed over each other
breathing deeply into my lungs
patiently waiting for the trees to fall
around me and upon deafening ears.
you bring out something inside of me
that i don't believe i've ever felt before
and yet, this feeling is terrifying
for i fear its longevity and weight.
but there is a calmness in this chaos
for in the center of the storm is peace
and i find it quite nice to be sitting here
with you beside me as i calculate the stars
and how they aligned to get me here with you.
compassionate eyes rest on you and i give
my most vulnerable self to your open palms.
how much my open heart bleeds for your love
and yet, how much i want to wrap it up
and store it away for you to never see.

but you've had that key round your neck
and you unlocked me from the very start
my soul got outta the box,
the second you held my hand in the car
the second(s) you played your favorite song(s) for me
the second you opened your closets
and allowed those skeletons to scatter
the second you laid on me and fell asleep
with my hands in your hair
the second you looked at me with truth
and told me you loved me, really.
the second you held me all night long,
in a way that i've never been held before
the second you put on those cheap sunglasses
to hide your poker face
the second you let go of your fear
and let love take over
the seconds in between our silences
the seconds in between our kisses
the seconds in between our meetings
the seconds in between dumb jokes
and stupidity and reckless abandon
the seconds in between our competitive stares
the seconds in between one song and the next
the seconds of peeling back another layer
of who we truly are...

poindexter says: the greatest second of your life,
is the moment you fall in love
but i have a contrast and complex feeling about this
because we fall in love many times in our life
so rather, the greatest seconds of my life
are the ones i'm spending with you.
regardless of the fear i hold deep
there is something special about you
and something special about this --
i don't know what it is yet, but as I've learned
i don't need to know everything
and that is the greatest lesson of them all.