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how many days have I loved you

how many hours can I forget you

not long

I sleep
you appear
in the corner of my mind

I wake up
you appear
on the corner of my bed

how many times will I convince myself you'll stay

why don't we talk together
why can't we walk together
why can't we love together
You repeatedly gave me red flags
And I took them each time
With a smile,
As if they were flowers.
I chose to look for green lights,
And in that way, I guess, I broke my own heart.
our love was the look you gave me -
full of longing -

controlling me with your voice
and your legs,

until i collapsed, wild and hungry,
desolate and content,

every heartbeat seeking love,
every dream imagined.
you don't exist when
my eyes are open
you don't exist when
my blood's not poisoned
when my soul's at peace
when my gut is full
and when I'm in company

So you exist most of the time
dear muse
he watches the rain like
it's alive
but he feels less alive himself
behind him
the house turns dark
its last light going off

don't turn back
don't look back
keep going ahead

and maybe another house
and another wife
will open up before you

or maybe there'll be another
war coming
and the nation will need
your service

this time the fear shall be
less intense
The first time
someone points
a gun at you
you're terrified
the second time's the same
and so on
but eventually there comes
a time when you
run out of people
to point guns at you




and none of them make you
feel like her eyes
watching from the window
behind the curtains
and no pulling of the trigger
and no bang
is like her voice screaming
at the kid to go away, to not look

"A stranger! That's what the
man outside is. And I'm calling
the police if he keeps staring like that.
you dare look at him. Go to
your room. Now."

What's a man when all
the wars are over?
A squirt gun against the sun.

His good hand, the one with
whole and working fingers
reached into an inner pocket
of his uniform, found

He walked on
And it rained on
And there were no more wars
I'll hold your hand
If you let go of mine

I'm not doing fine
stop messaging me why

the lucky sound in your voice
brought me down
when I woke up

Tiny sound
Don't think about it now

Haunts me
Night and mornings

White noise
I hate

not so much

Trying to drown out the sound
Reasons to fall back into my haunting dreams
Tears that climb back into my eyes watching the memes
I've tried to walk past my troubles and gain strength
Little that I know they would run behind to any length

Catching the scent of disapproval and ignorance
Lasting for years to come ahead of this nonsense
Feel my wrath breaking my wishes one by one
Taking away the little beliefs I had for the only one

Drag my soul through the dust and dirt to teach me
Lessons that I witnessed and forgot within seconds
If life would be easy on me until death reaches me
I could've done more than just kiss you and tie loose ends
I should never have broken up with you AH. I could've just held on to you.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"hard to describe"
"how can we help you"
"I think my heart broke"
"Sorry, we can't help you"
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