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24
Lydia Apr 11
24
it could be that I’m turning 24 soon but I feel like time is slipping
unlike most people I hate my birthday
I hate getting older and feeling like I’m running out of time to be young
every year it’s a depressing reminder that youth doesn’t stay for long
that I’m actually an adult and there is no stopping the future
I used to think when I was younger that I’d feel differently as I got older, that I would be happier, that the depression would go away and so would the anxiety and the feeling of not knowing what the hell Im doing
because adults are supposed to have it all together
but now I can look at life like none of us know what the **** we’re doing and we’re all a little sad and messed up
Lydia Nov 2018
someone asked me recently if
I was happy
I said that I was
maybe not all the time, but life is good,
and this time I really meant it

if you had asked me a year ago I would have said
that I don't think I'd ever be happy again
I was so low it felt like I was buried
and I meant it

funny what a difference time makes
how in a year, you can be a whole new person
Lydia May 2018
I remember sitting on the front porch, curled up in a wicker chair with a pen and a pad of paper
the early June afternoon sun going down over my smalltown, casting a golden glow on the blacktop,
writing a poem about loneliness
and wondering whether everyone else around me
driving by in that car,
walking their dog,
stirring that drink at the bar,
was as lonely as I was

whether their heart also longed for something more
or felt a loss for what they never reached for in the first place
whether they were settling and giving up on their dreams

or had they finally decided to go for it,
That job
That person
That trip
That thing that makes their heart beat faster and gets their blood flowing
That thing that makes them feel free

or was I the only one,
in a world overflowing with people,
could I be the only one who gave it all up,
too afraid to make the change my soul was aching for?
Memories of the old me
Lydia Jul 2
I’m so angry it’s not good
I have to go in to work in about twenty minutes
and yet I don’t know if I wanna scream or cry or sleep or all of it
Let me start by saying I think my anxiety is through the roof
I feel like crap and I’m so out of it I don’t even know how I got here
sometimes I want to be babied
I want someone to help me get ready and cater to all of my needs
Keep me safe under a wing like a mother does
Like I do for my son
Tell me I’m so smart and cute and funny
In those exact words
Tell me I will be helped and safe
No one does that when you’re an adult
It’s literally you against the world
So me against the world
Me against the world
Against the world
The world
Lydia Nov 2018
I think because of how I was raised
watching my mother rely on men to take care of her
I grew up believing that women needed men to survive
and I wasted so much time
trying to get a man to be that care giver
to take care of me and support me
unaware of how capable I was to do it on my own
it took years
I let my heart break and everything I'd ever believed waste away
and then I looked up and down
at my body and my reflection
and saw that I am my own caregiver
my biggest supporter
all I really ever needed was here all along
Lydia May 10
what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream
Lydia Nov 2017
some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.
Lydia Jan 2018
I never realized how hard the bad days were until I got what I thought I wanted
being alone
being without you
now that I no longer have you to blame
it's more than obvious that on all the bad days
You were the only thing good about them
Day 1 part 2 of 2018
Lydia Nov 2017
On the day you left
I sighed a breath of relief,
not because my life was over but because my life had finally just begun
Lydia Aug 2017
I'm left wondering if anyone is
really worth taking up your space
and your time,
if anyone is worthy of trying to take you in, wrap you up, make you theirs
pluck you like a pretty flower and take away your air  

why should they be aloud to come in and mess you all up
and make you believe in something that isn't
and take all those little pieces of you that were once what made you,
YOU
the good stuff, the real stuff, the things that made you beautiful inside,
before they stole them, or **** on them or made you feel like they weren't worthy of being

that's what happens when people think they fall in love,
all they are really doing is stealing precious roots from a person's soul,
changing them up to make them the person in their mind that they want you to be, not who you truly are

I'm left looking at a reflection of a person that I have no idea who that is, just a shell with my face on it,
an empty stomach and an even emptier heart
because someone told me they loved me and stole all of my light to take for themselves
too greedy to let a beautiful thing bloom
Lydia May 15
I wanna look exactly how I feel
expression in its truest form
I relate colors to my mood
I’m like an abstract painting with no caption underneath
I want to be so true to my feelings that when I’m feeling down
I turn the color blue
Lydia Sep 2014
Whenever I start to worry
Or feel like life is a mess
or like I'm missing out on something
I pack a bowl
spark it
And
Start
To
Feel
Grateful
For
Everything
I do
Have
Instead
Of
Yearning
For
The things
I don't
I love mary
Lydia Sep 2018
Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away
Lydia Aug 2018
what makes us so different is the way that we think
how everything we take in, we view as we are
not how "they" might be
seeing into someone's perspective is as impossible
as counting the stars
and just like those billions of tiny, twinkling lights
we all burn out at some point
when no one is paying attention
Lydia Aug 2017
Tossing and turning for two hours now,
My mind is filled with things at night that my daytime brain trys to push away
My soul has been crushed and I think that's what's bothering me
How a happy life can turn into this, tossing and turning until 5 a.m
Some things you feel so deeply they burn a fire in your chest and a wind through your veins, telling you to move, flow, be free
All I've ever wanted
Deep deep down, all I've ever wanted was to be free on my own but all I've ever been was held against someone else's will
Lydia 1d
This season of life is full of simplicity
predictability
normalcy
it’s a little boy about to turn 4 who asks Mama to play with him and read him the same books over and over again
birthday party planning, holiday coordinating
co parenting changing,
his stubborn side showing,
refusing to eat meals and pushing as far as he can
but also so so sweet when he tells me
“Mommy, you’re beautiful”
“Mom I want a hug”
“Mom will you sit by me?”
toddler talks and stuttering over his words because he can’t get them out fast enough
Sesame Street on repeat and little boy jokes
daycare drop offs and after work pick ups
bedtime routines and storybooks
Single child syndrome, center of attention
this season of life is so simple
motherhood now is like holding onto the baby things while also helping him do the big boy stuff,
independence blossoming
I always wondered when we would get here
past the diaper days
the breastfeeding
the restless nights
and teething
it’s all so bittersweet
My only baby
maybe my only baby
through ***** ups and scoldings he still wants to hold my hand and be carried by Mama
this season of life is all about childhood for an almost 4 year old little boy
Lydia Sep 2018
mornings like this remind me of us
when we first started out
cold air and cigarettes
your hand in mine, warm and loving
soaking up every second just to have one more minute with each other before reality sets in and we have to be just you and just me
instead of we
cold nights wrapped up in blankets and each other
unable to stop kissing and laughing and talking
all the "I miss you's" and the "wish you were here" over the phone while we stayed up to talk way past when we should have been in bed
the nights out having a drink and then singing on the way back to your house to cuddle in bed and watch TV until we can't keep our eyes open anymore
the cold makes me feel warm
filling me up with good memories I get to keep
I love you so much Benjamin. My constant muse and inspiration and truest friend and lover I could ever ask for ♡
Lydia Aug 2018
Anxiety has me smoking more cigarettes this morning than usual
I'm supposed to be inside working but instead I'm sitting out here on cigarette number two watching a train go by
I could count the cars,
the night sky still has stars shining through
not even the sounds of the rails can drown out my heavy heart beat
I'm the only fool to come in early on the Friday before labor day weekend
so I am milking my time and wasting the seconds
sometimes everything feels so pointless here
work, life, the world, trying,
when the train passes by
I'll flick my cigarette and go back inside
Lydia Mar 2017
I have dreams that he dies a lot
Either by getting shot by someone or hit by a car
in those dreams I am always looking forward to a new future
a clean slate
I think it's obvious my dreams are a sign that he is actually the one killing me
slowly, mentally
I would never wish death upon someone
but is it fair that he has killed me multiple times?
Lydia Aug 2018
hold my breath and count to five
I do this multiple times a day to keep myself from losing it
Lydia Aug 2018
for the past few weeks I just haven't felt good
like the downpours I hit on my way to work
I've just been waiting to fall
Lydia Jan 21
I have been having a lot of dreams lately
about running away from something

but also heading towards somewhere at the same time,
in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to,
before I wake up
&
maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now,
that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time
and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second,
I’d have time to see where I already am
Lydia Nov 2017
I know that look
that one you give me like you could drink me up
the same way you take those shots,

fast and all at once

I just hope that unlike that alcohol in your glass,
with me you're not left feeling empty and used the next day

but even though I'd be bad
Id still hope you would pick your poison
Lydia May 22
the vibrations in the room so heavy you can feel it in your pulse
sending vibes back and forth
when you’re sad I can feel it
when you want me I can sense it
when you’re angry I can breathe it
I could choke on the tension
suffocation taking my breath away

the front you put up can’t keep out the words you don’t wanna say
tell me you’re fine
I know you’re losing
tell me it’s easy I know it’s harder
you can swallow me whole with your energy
I’ve always swam in my feelings
Lydia Jan 2018
I wanna write poetry about how good you are
and all the ways you make me feel
but I'm also sad
and the pain is causing writers block
all I can think about is HEARTACHE
even though when I'm with you Im happy
even though when you wrap your arms around me, it feels so good
Lydia Sep 2018
I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish  
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall
Lydia Jan 2018
I didnt expect the ache
the consistent, deep emptiness
right in the center of my chest
like a knot ******* and throbbing
into my soul
I didn't expect the real anger and the pain that comes with a broken heart
in trying to get over someone you once thought you'd never have to
I didn't expect three months later to face having to see you with another girl
And I didn't expect that you would love her three weeks later either
Lydia Sep 2018
being in love makes it all better
but being in love with you
makes it the best
I can't get enough when you touch me
your fingers send electricity across my skin
and my body falls into you
like it's going home
nothing makes me feel the way you do by just kissing me
my body burns
begging to feel you
heaven is our bedroom when you and I are in it
the world fades away
and it's just me and you
the comfort in giving all of myself to you
transcends back to me
Lydia Apr 11
Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow
Lydia Dec 2018
You should not have to feel like you need to change yourself for anyone else
the right person should help you bloom into the sunshine
be the rain to nourish your roots
and the soil to help you grow
but be the key to helping you see how beautiful you've been all along
Lydia Dec 2017
for 3 days I cried
like a waterfall overflowing
my tears were unstoppable

and it was like every little emotion I had bottled up
attacked every nerve and every cell in my body
my soul was weeping for what I had lost
my heart had just finally allowed itself to break

all those hours I cried over you
over what I had done to you
over how I had hurt you
and how I had lost you forever
all those minutes I spent in agony
feeling like my insides were being ripped in two
I hurt over you
all those seconds I beat myself up trying to find a solution, a choice
I never once made myself an option

3 days later I woke up and realized I had been crying over everyone but the person who deserved it the most
Me
I should have spent those tears on the person who needed them all this time
I was writhing in agony over who to choose and not once did I stop to think,
I am the ******* choice
I do not deserve to be made to split myself open so painfully for others
when I deserve to be planted deep in my own ground and stay rooted in my own soul

I am already everything I've ever needed
it was the pain that made me believe I was not
the fact that I loved others so deeply that led to me believe I wasn't capable of giving that love to myself
it was the hand that plucked me up like a flower
and tried desperately to keep me alive with a vase and some water
when my roots were not meant to be confined in the first place
Lydia May 2018
I remember the night the moon got huge and then faded to black
I spoke to you in my belly and wished for you to love the sky like I do
Lydia Dec 2017
I can not give you a good reason why some days my heart races into infinity
and other days it chooses to leave me hollow

that would be like asking me to rip open my chest
to expect something wild and free to do anything except what it wants just for you

my soul simply wanders into the direction my arrow chooses to go

I cannot tell you why sometimes my heart allows me to overflow my veins with happiness
while at the same time pumping anxiety into my sternum

I have spent my years searching
desperately trying to figure out an ***** that was never meant to be explained to the owner of it's shell

I have been asked what I am doing with my life
and my answer is always the same
listening to my heart when it's disagreeing with my brain
Lydia Aug 2018
yesterday was Sunday
when I woke up I rolled over and you smiled at me and pulled me close and said
"Baby, I hate fighting with you, why do we do that?"
I replied, "I don't know. I hate it too"
and then you kissed my legs and smiled with your eyes closed
looking at you like that always makes me think about how I wanna look at you like this for the rest of my life
Lydia Sep 2014
I like being around women
who stand up for something they truly believe in so much you can hear it in their voice
not because they are trying to be right
but it's because that is what they FEEL is right
How do most of the women in the world forget how we were born amazing, graceful, goddesses with super powers?
So many women let men walk over them and then blame it on a man for being an "***" or a "****" but you were the stupid ****** who keeps allowing these guys to treat you that way.
because ****** when something bothers you or offends you, say it. Don't run to your girlfriends and ***** about what you "would have said", just let it out because how are men supposed to know that what they say or do is hurting us without constantly reminding them. If you say anything enough it's bound to set in, and grab your **** and leave that ******* because yes that is exactly what he is and go find yourself a guy who is more than muscle tone and good looks, someone who looks at you like you are the sun and he is your earth rotating around you sharing in your light. It's not as difficult as the world these days makes it look, show some respect and yes as a woman, you need to show a little more and then the respect will come back to you. We have to work harder to be respected because that's life, but it's the way you handle the situations you're put into that really shine into your character. These challenges are what makes being a woman so empowering because we've fought and we've won. Search for your soul ladies and not the closest Starbucks. Talk about life, your dreams, your hopes, your talents more than you talk about other peoples lives or t.v or what you hate, or what you **** at doing, be proud of being you. It's not something you have to work for, it's there inside of you. Look for it and it will look back. Women make the world go around, men need us just as much as we feel like we need them. Be kind, think of your man once in awhile before you get so offended or start to be selfish. We go through nine months of pregnancy and it's gross, and painful, and you get fat and you swell but it's beautiful! We got blessed with something only women get the chance of doing. Isn't that special? Our bodies are so amazing we can form a life inside of us and then go through hell giving birth and come out okay. Be proud of being a woman but don't be cocky and believe me, there's a difference. Do something good for you, not for social media. Quit worrying about being fat or style or if you're wearing make up or not because who are you trying so hard for? Is it really them or is it you? Embrace your inner spirit, strength, peace, understanding and harmony and your life will flourish. We only get one body, love yours.
Not a feminist. I believe we are all equal. Women these days don't realize how important it is to just BE, I hope this enlightened you at least a little.
Lydia Nov 2017
words like honey
melting from your mouth,
are the sweetest notes my soul has ever heard

even when I didn't want to
you made me feel real
you gave me air to fill my lungs and made me breathe
and I hope you know how much that means
to be the person lucky enough to have you

we don't know what this is
we don't have to
as long as you have me and I have you

you truly don't know what you're doing for me
I may be confused
I may be lost
but I do know that things just feel good when you're around

things just feel really good
Lydia Aug 2018
Forever is wishful timing,
but I'd spend my life with you
just to find out how long we can make it last
if we are only made up of minutes and seconds like the ticks on a clock,
I'd do anything at all to make those arms turn,
just to keep your hands on me
Lydia Aug 15
For a long time I think would sneer at commitment or “forever” because I hadn’t found my own yet
I would criticize the idea and make a mockery of marriage
always giving my reasons as to why it was a terrible idea dressed up in a white dress and flowers
deep down somewhere it was easier to critique the idea of being with a person for the rest of your life
than it was to imagine actually doing it
and who could blame me based off where I come from?
two broken homes
drug and alcohol abused families
broke and negative home life
and low self esteem

Forever is a long time
but never enough when you finally find your person
and all the scary things that once seemed phony
feel wonderfully real instead
Lydia Feb 2015
with a few drinks
a couple friends
loud music
and
laughing so hard
it hurts to breathe
it's easy to feel like
everything is right
in life
I've thought for so long
that people who drink their
feelings away had it all wrong
but it turns out I wasn't the one
who was right
I like forgetting about
life for awhile
I like being able to be me
with no restrictions
or concern for anyone's feelings
or even having to worry
about anyone else
All I need is myself
Lydia Sep 2018
I still find myself hurting over things that have been done to me in the past
things that have been said or directly wronged me to the point of heavy sobs and torrential downpours of tears
and everyone always said to not let it get to me because these people aren't my real friends, I am better than them by not retaliating or they are just miserable, so they have to take their hate for themselves out on others
but
how do I really let go, if I'm left with an emotional scar of how I was treated and how some people I care about didn't defend me like I needed?
now I treat people I meet for the first time differently because I'm skeptical of everyone now
I only feel like they do not have good intentions and are only capable of being hateful and judging me
or hurting me
I was so beaten down to the point that I wondered why I was here
why I wasn't good enough
why I even tried everyday
that kind of mental brutality can really take a toll on a person
Most of all, I am hurt that from now on or for a very long time,
I don't see the good in people anymore
I used to believe people were truly good,
we just all make mistakes
but now I just think this world has turned into a pretty awful place
Lydia Aug 2018
lately I walk in to work alone
I go to break and flop down on the bench and light up a cigarette and if I feel like talking I can
or if I don't I can just sit for ten minutes
I get to be just purely me
fresh start, new people, new opportunities
it's actually refreshing to do this on my own this time
I leave work alone
I rush out to my car like I used to in the old days
turn up the volume on the radio to all my ****** songs
roll the windows down
smoke a cigarette
and sit in silence
I've never been happier
Lydia Apr 2018
It seems like we just started talking about my move and you coming with me.
Everyday went on just like the last,
only a little better than the day before.
Like I had plenty of time to count the seconds, waste the minutes and spend the hours away with you,
and then one day,
I woke up on a Saturday,
& were 6 days away from starting over together & me being 23,
the morning light casting a golden glow on your green eyes as you tell me "Good Morning" with a kiss

Right now you are packing the things you are bringing to merge our stuff into one place called home
Each day gets a little warmer, the future gets a little closer and the past gets a little bit further away & I'm starting to feel just like the flowers in the spring,
rising from the ground with the help of the sun's rays,
my roots stronger than ever, & ready to bloom into something beautiful
Here's to new things
Lydia Nov 2017
I thought my heart would break when you finally said goodbye
That I would shatter like glass when you shut the door behind you for the last time
instead I felt nothing
and nothing made me sick
because feeling sad would be better than not feeling at all
Lydia Feb 2015
I've always felt inadequate
less important than everyone else
if I wasn't there, no one would notice
I could say nothing
and no one would care
this feeling is one I try to
keep buried deep inside
away from view
I like to act like I don't care
like everyone else is lame
and
I'm just too cool for them
but I know what it really is
I'm not as cool as them
I'm not ridiculously funny
or clever
I'm not smart and rare
I'm not special
I don't sing
I don't drink
I don't have a best friend
I don't do anything
or go anywhere
because I have no friends
I don't fit in
and even when I thought I found
people who were just like me
I still felt alone
I was still alone even in the group
whether they meant to single me out
or not
it still hurt all the same
I give up on ever feeling good enough
it only feels like lying
Lydia May 2018
they say growing up is a trap,
but what about never growing at all?

I think it may be worse to miss out on all the heartache and pain that comes with being alive because in all that suffering, is where you find yourself

growth hurts,
every limb and vein in your body as if you're being pulled apart,
but from darkness always comes something far more beautiful and then after all of it,
you're still here

rather than stay sheltered and safe and comfortable,
I think I'd rather feel it all

all the risks I've ever taken
or hardships life has thrown at me,
or moments so wonderful they imprinted my soul,
have been more painful and beautiful and just so very worth it
I wouldn't change a thing
A work in progress
Lydia Sep 2018
I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
overwhelming
defeating
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited
Lydia Apr 2018
I don't know where else to turn with my feelings
social media is a waste of my time
I've never felt more alone there
I'm happy and sad at the same time
and I didn't know how I was going to feel
But truly I just feel lost
this week has taken it out of me,
the past couple months have to
I would like to act like I'm stronger than this
but I just don't know anymore
how much can one person take?
its just the feelings full of color pouring out of me
and I don't know if my tears are because I'm happy or if I'm sad
or somewhere in between
I'm just a girl calling out to the universe to bring me back
to send me a sign
to show me the way
to just help me make it though even one more day
Lydia Jan 2018
for the past few days the same thought has went through my head
what if I just stop living?
meanwhile my heart has kept asking me
but what if we just stopped dieing?
Lydia Sep 2018
I really do wonder if I am just going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it's just a very long faze
I've wondered this for years
always thinking
"well next week will be better
next month will be better
next year will be better"
and it's not
I've been so unhappy lately
the kind I can't quite put my finger on
I know I've been lonely
and feeling insecure lately
about everything
my looks
my job
my relationship
my son
my car
Etc etc etc
I honestly have days and weeks where I feel unstoppable
I could handle everything at once and not blink
but then all of those highs crash into deep dark lows and I feel too weak to climb back up
Lydia Apr 2018
Home is a person who I never thought I'd meet
its a warm kiss in the morning
and the nook in your lap
it's the magic in turning an ordinary day into something more because of you giving me your smile and your eyes,
giving me a chance to see that real love exists after thinking it had died
and not just love, but something extraordinary to call my own

someone who doesn't give up on me when I have given up on myself
Your more than a person revolving with the earth on this planet
because to me you are home,
not just four walls and a roof
and the sky above,
a door to close and get away,
a universe in my heart

Life everyday is like starting all over
And then there is you
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