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4h · 37
Childhood
Lydia 4h
This season of life is full of simplicity
predictability
normalcy
it’s a little boy about to turn 4 who asks Mama to play with him and read him the same books over and over again
birthday party planning, holiday coordinating
co parenting changing,
his stubborn side showing,
refusing to eat meals and pushing as far as he can
but also so so sweet when he tells me
“Mommy, you’re beautiful”
“Mom I want a hug”
“Mom will you sit by me?”
toddler talks and stuttering over his words because he can’t get them out fast enough
Sesame Street on repeat and little boy jokes
daycare drop offs and after work pick ups
bedtime routines and storybooks
Single child syndrome, center of attention
this season of life is so simple
motherhood now is like holding onto the baby things while also helping him do the big boy stuff,
independence blossoming
I always wondered when we would get here
past the diaper days
the breastfeeding
the restless nights
and teething
it’s all so bittersweet
My only baby
maybe my only baby
through ***** ups and scoldings he still wants to hold my hand and be carried by Mama
this season of life is all about childhood for an almost 4 year old little boy
Aug 15 · 185
Forever is a long time
Lydia Aug 15
For a long time I think would sneer at commitment or “forever” because I hadn’t found my own yet
I would criticize the idea and make a mockery of marriage
always giving my reasons as to why it was a terrible idea dressed up in a white dress and flowers
deep down somewhere it was easier to critique the idea of being with a person for the rest of your life
than it was to imagine actually doing it
and who could blame me based off where I come from?
two broken homes
drug and alcohol abused families
broke and negative home life
and low self esteem

Forever is a long time
but never enough when you finally find your person
and all the scary things that once seemed phony
feel wonderfully real instead
Jul 22 · 202
My future
Lydia Jul 22
If I could write my future
it would look somewhat like this

A little light blue house with a porch swing out front
plants growing in vases on the porch and in the garden and our mail box would say Mayne
we would have a dog and a fish in a bowl on the mantle above the fireplace
I can see me in the kitchen making something for dinner while Gavin does his homework on the counter and Ben helps him with his math
We’re married, two cars that run and a little baby on the way
we would laugh a lot and snuggle on the couch before bed and talk about baby names
On the weekends we would spend time together when Gavin was at his dads and do things like go out to dinner and plan little dates
every year we would have a family vacation and cut down a Christmas tree for the living room
on our anniversary every year we would always make sure to go to the Red Mule for at least a drink or some pizza because that’s where we had our first date
if we argued we would always make up and make sure to fight fair
we would never go to bed angry and always remember we’re on the same team
my last name would be different and my heart would be full and I’d have a family and a home and peace of mind
we wouldn’t need much because we already had a lot of love
that’s all I really want in life
Jul 22 · 93
life
Lydia Jul 22
I wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through
but I don’t think I can find the words
when I look back and the memories flash through my brain
it all seems like a life someone else lives
that it wasn’t me anyway
but it is me
this is my life
and I have no idea how to talk about it
let alone fix it
Jul 2 · 157
Against the world
Lydia Jul 2
I’m so angry it’s not good
I have to go in to work in about twenty minutes
and yet I don’t know if I wanna scream or cry or sleep or all of it
Let me start by saying I think my anxiety is through the roof
I feel like crap and I’m so out of it I don’t even know how I got here
sometimes I want to be babied
I want someone to help me get ready and cater to all of my needs
Keep me safe under a wing like a mother does
Like I do for my son
Tell me I’m so smart and cute and funny
In those exact words
Tell me I will be helped and safe
No one does that when you’re an adult
It’s literally you against the world
So me against the world
Me against the world
Against the world
The world
Jun 30 · 122
My feelings kill me
Lydia Jun 30
the other night I thought I was dying
my arm started to hurt and it felt like my veins were trying to burst through my skin
panic overflowed immediately
and I couldn’t breathe
it hurt so bad I thought surely this was it
it would almost make sense that I would go
from my own feelings killing me
first girl whose own feelings literally killed her
that’s how it felt
like my own thoughts could literally stop my heart
unintentional self sabotage
an ice pack and breathing eventually worked
and I fell asleep so hard I had dreams that I could barely remember the next morning
Jun 30 · 99
Panic attack
Lydia Jun 30
Have you ever tried to talk yourself out of a panic attack?
It’s not easy
It doesn’t really work
your heart still races
and your blood still feels like
it’s flying through your veins
your vision still blurs
and your thoughts don’t make sense
your breath comes in short waves
before you know it
you’re already in it
so just try to lay back and feel it
Jun 6 · 209
Sorry
Lydia Jun 6
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to show my love
or why I can be so present and unavailable when you need me the most
it’s not like I don’t feel it
the way my issues have built up a wall
I look so warm but I’m cold to the touch
my ability to love is shadowed by my self hate
I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who hurts themselves but causes you pain
May 22 · 127
Energy
Lydia May 22
the vibrations in the room so heavy you can feel it in your pulse
sending vibes back and forth
when you’re sad I can feel it
when you want me I can sense it
when you’re angry I can breathe it
I could choke on the tension
suffocation taking my breath away

the front you put up can’t keep out the words you don’t wanna say
tell me you’re fine
I know you’re losing
tell me it’s easy I know it’s harder
you can swallow me whole with your energy
I’ve always swam in my feelings
May 16 · 52
Tired
Lydia May 16
I don’t want to get up anymore
I don’t want to leave my bed
Or my house
Or go to work
Or have to fake it
I’m so tired
I’m
So ******* tired all the time
It’s hard even being awake
I feel bad
I don’t see why mental health isn’t treated like any other type of illness
May 15 · 308
Blue
Lydia May 15
I wanna look exactly how I feel
expression in its truest form
I relate colors to my mood
I’m like an abstract painting with no caption underneath
I want to be so true to my feelings that when I’m feeling down
I turn the color blue
May 11 · 126
Phony
Lydia May 11
Can I tell you a secret?
About when I’m manic
I’m actually a very happy person
Sometimes
When I’m up
I am high
I will make you love me
Love me like you would die without me
I’ll make you laugh until your abdomen hurts
I’ll sing as loud as I can
and dance around you in bliss
You’ll be left wondering how
“I’m unlike anyone else you’ve ever met”
I’ve heard this so many times
each time it makes me sick
because you love a phony
and I’m the one getting played
May 10 · 1.7k
all apologies
Lydia May 10
what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream
Apr 11 · 155
Feels
Lydia Apr 11
Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow
Apr 11 · 275
24
Lydia Apr 11
24
it could be that I’m turning 24 soon but I feel like time is slipping
unlike most people I hate my birthday
I hate getting older and feeling like I’m running out of time to be young
every year it’s a depressing reminder that youth doesn’t stay for long
that I’m actually an adult and there is no stopping the future
I used to think when I was younger that I’d feel differently as I got older, that I would be happier, that the depression would go away and so would the anxiety and the feeling of not knowing what the hell Im doing
because adults are supposed to have it all together
but now I can look at life like none of us know what the **** we’re doing and we’re all a little sad and messed up
Feb 18 · 645
soak it up
Lydia Feb 18
My problem is I don’t let people use me anymore
if you don’t understand how that’s a problem
then you’re being used by someone
I refuse to let another human take advantage of my kindness or have some of my energy they do not deserve
even if it’s just a smile or to make them laugh
they do not deserve me
they do not get to use me up just for their own gain
by being so aware
it causes me to become outcast from others often
I feel their energies and vibes so strongly it makes my stomach churn
some people carry darkness around them
but only a few of us can see it
those dark pieces try to soak up any light left in anyone who has enough to take
but oh, when I meet those who shine
they can be so bright they are blinding
Feb 11 · 277
Refill
Lydia Feb 11
I’m so anxious I can’t sleep
I have to get up for work at 4 am
I’m a little light headed
and my stomach hurts
I have a numbing sensation running through my legs to my head
I’m scared
I just want to cry
and scream
and run
and sleep
all at the same time
I’m so ******* uncomfortable right now I am mad
I’m lonely
I don’t want to be alone right now
but I also don’t want to be bothered
My prescription ran out and this is what I get for not getting it filled in time
My anxiety makes me so forgetful and spontaneous
Feb 4 · 311
Nothing
Lydia Feb 4
you don’t know how long I’ve spent feeling guilty for living my life
I have finally gotten to the point where it’s all or nothing
Feb 4 · 586
left
Lydia Feb 4
going off on me for expressing my true feelings online
reminds me of when you used to do that in real life
if I ever spoke up when I was sad or angry
you would get so mad you would hit things around you
stomp off and leave
tell me I was crazy
while I was left crying so hard I couldn’t breathe
my eyes welled up red
wondering
if I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life
Jan 22 · 390
I love you
Lydia Jan 22
I wanna write this because I know you’ll read it
and this ones for you

I hope you know how much I adore you
and how lucky I feel to be called your girlfriend
sometimes it’s so surreal
when I get a second to think that
I’m yours
And
Your mine
my life has always seemed to move fast
just like me
quick
impulsive
impatient
and yet you have always seemed to be able to slow down time
and make the world stop
so that it’s just me and you
when it’s me and you
like we have a secret that’s all ours
i love you so hard sometimes I want to crawl into your body and become you
just to know what it’s like to walk around so beautiful everyday
I have always told you you’re beautiful
because it’s not just your appearance that makes you so handsome
it’s your words and your soul and that smile you give just to me
it’s you
it’s just you as a whole
your brain and heart and green eyes
I have always had expectations of my life
none of my dreams could have come up with a life as sweet as this one
with you

I Love You
Hope you liked it baby
Jan 21 · 743
Dreaming continues
Lydia Jan 21
I have been having a lot of dreams lately
about running away from something

but also heading towards somewhere at the same time,
in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to,
before I wake up
&
maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now,
that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time
and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second,
I’d have time to see where I already am
Jan 17 · 81
Untitled
Lydia Jan 17
I have moments where I'm manic
absolutely pathetic
can't stop talking, can't be quiet
can't think clearly unless I'm writing

never notice until it's too late,
how my mind is rushing and my head aches,
every word I say and thing I do
feels just like an endless list of mistakes
Jan 17 · 146
Lost
Lydia Jan 17
I have always lived life like I am blind to the reality of what it really is
it’s only in faint moments do I realize what is actually true
that I’m not as happy as I come off being
it’s not as perfect as I sometimes feel like it is
I’m more sad than I let people know I’m just really good at hiding at this point
people in my life do not really care like I would like to believe
I am actually alone in this world no matter how many people I surround myself with
or who I’m with
I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m lost
Dec 2018 · 265
Messy
Lydia Dec 2018
Am I angry?
Am I sad?
Am I am jealous?
Am I depressed?
That life could go from feeling so good to feeling like this?
I am all of these things.
I have wanted so much
and gotten so little
I have gotten so much
and wanted so little
I may never be really happy
I never thought I'd be this messy
Dec 2018 · 227
Flower
Lydia Dec 2018
You should not have to feel like you need to change yourself for anyone else
the right person should help you bloom into the sunshine
be the rain to nourish your roots
and the soil to help you grow
but be the key to helping you see how beautiful you've been all along
Nov 2018 · 180
All along
Lydia Nov 2018
I think because of how I was raised
watching my mother rely on men to take care of her
I grew up believing that women needed men to survive
and I wasted so much time
trying to get a man to be that care giver
to take care of me and support me
unaware of how capable I was to do it on my own
it took years
I let my heart break and everything I'd ever believed waste away
and then I looked up and down
at my body and my reflection
and saw that I am my own caregiver
my biggest supporter
all I really ever needed was here all along
Nov 2018 · 203
The one
Lydia Nov 2018
when you find the one
who makes you feel at home
no matter where you are
who brings you comfort and warmth
with only their prescence
who holds your hand on the couch
and plays with your hair
the one who is there for you when you are at your lowest point
and when you are at your best
the one who is also your friend
and keeps you grounded or encourages your dreams
who calls you beautiful and wonderful and cute because they want to
hold onto that love
and follow your deepest truest feelings
our feelings tell us so much more when we tune in and listen
the universe has a way of always guiding you home
Nov 2018 · 223
Nightmare
Lydia Nov 2018
Now I can't breathe
I am wide awake
Going back to sleep is impossible
Help me
Tired eyes and my brain is fuzzy
Maybe I'll think nice thoughts
And that will help me sleep
Really I am trapped in my head
Every night I just have bad dreams
Nov 2018 · 83
November
Lydia Nov 2018
I just go with whatever my mind is telling me to do without thinking twice
and sometimes when it's over, that scares me,
how irrational my brain can be when I'm having a panic attack
my mind blanks and my legs go numb and I feel scared scared scared
for sometimes no reason
I try to not get stressed because stress makes it worse
I haven't had a panic attack in a couple weeks and I thought they were over
Nov 2018 · 139
A year
Lydia Nov 2018
someone asked me recently if
I was happy
I said that I was
maybe not all the time, but life is good,
and this time I really meant it

if you had asked me a year ago I would have said
that I don't think I'd ever be happy again
I was so low it felt like I was buried
and I meant it

funny what a difference time makes
how in a year, you can be a whole new person
Nov 2018 · 139
Me
Lydia Nov 2018
Me
everyone thinks they know me
but they only the version of me that they have instilled in their mind
based off of jokes, or conversation or encounters
there are a hundreds of me out there walking around with all the people I've ever known
assumptions or truth or false information about who I am swirl around me in all the day to day life
all of these versions of me have me mixed in my own cocktail of loneliness
even with all the ME in the world
I still dont even know who I am
Nov 2018 · 175
skin
Lydia Nov 2018
I feel like my skin is crawling
I am bottled up
and my jaw keeps clenching
I am just feeling rough this week
I need a break
Can't wait for one
I hate when I'm like this
I can feel myself being angry
and a little mean for no reason
I dont mean to be
It's that feeling of needing space
but also being cuddled at the same time
I can be so stubborn when I'm like this
which aggravates me more
I wish I could peel off my skin today and put on someone else's
Oct 2018 · 307
what you deserve
Lydia Oct 2018
I try to do it all
And not be too ******* myself at the same time
I try to stay in perspective and be a positive person
hope for the best and be a better human everyday
most days I still slip up
I get **** and harsh and mean
but I'm trying
I want so much
and more for my family and myself
being patient and putting in the efforts is exhausting but I do believe one day it will all just make sense
my stars will align and I'll be proud of myself for doing it
I wanna love like I know he deserves
I want to be the mother I know my son deserves
I want to be true to myself
like I know I deserve
Oct 2018 · 422
Poison
Lydia Oct 2018
"I would drink poison if it tasted like you"
I'd do anything for you,
and you are the first person I've ever been with that I have ever really felt like that

I want you to know me
no surprises or assumptions
I want to know you inside and out
I want to memorize your expressions and your skin and the way you speak

just as I think I made you up inside my head, you prove to me that you're real
and I can be **** too,
so I should love you even more
Oct 2018 · 685
Tired of it
Lydia Oct 2018
On my way to work this morning
I had an anxiety attack while driving
I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I slowed down to 35 and my arms were shaky and my legs felt numb
I get so tired of having this problem
I'm so tired of it springing out of nowhere and keeping me from being able to do normal things
and making my mind race and my stomach turn to knots
I try to talk myself out of it but that doesn't always work
I dont even know what it's like to not feel like this anymore sometimes
I'm so tired of it
Oct 2018 · 219
One more
Lydia Oct 2018
Everytime we say we goodbye
I wish I would have kissed you one more time
To both of my boys
Sep 2018 · 1.1k
Forgive and forget?
Lydia Sep 2018
I still find myself hurting over things that have been done to me in the past
things that have been said or directly wronged me to the point of heavy sobs and torrential downpours of tears
and everyone always said to not let it get to me because these people aren't my real friends, I am better than them by not retaliating or they are just miserable, so they have to take their hate for themselves out on others
but
how do I really let go, if I'm left with an emotional scar of how I was treated and how some people I care about didn't defend me like I needed?
now I treat people I meet for the first time differently because I'm skeptical of everyone now
I only feel like they do not have good intentions and are only capable of being hateful and judging me
or hurting me
I was so beaten down to the point that I wondered why I was here
why I wasn't good enough
why I even tried everyday
that kind of mental brutality can really take a toll on a person
Most of all, I am hurt that from now on or for a very long time,
I don't see the good in people anymore
I used to believe people were truly good,
we just all make mistakes
but now I just think this world has turned into a pretty awful place
Sep 2018 · 1.2k
Cold mornings
Lydia Sep 2018
mornings like this remind me of us
when we first started out
cold air and cigarettes
your hand in mine, warm and loving
soaking up every second just to have one more minute with each other before reality sets in and we have to be just you and just me
instead of we
cold nights wrapped up in blankets and each other
unable to stop kissing and laughing and talking
all the "I miss you's" and the "wish you were here" over the phone while we stayed up to talk way past when we should have been in bed
the nights out having a drink and then singing on the way back to your house to cuddle in bed and watch TV until we can't keep our eyes open anymore
the cold makes me feel warm
filling me up with good memories I get to keep
I love you so much Benjamin. My constant muse and inspiration and truest friend and lover I could ever ask for ♡
Sep 2018 · 1.4k
Morning kiss
Lydia Sep 2018
I got out of the shower put a towel around my head and went to our bedroom to put on clothes for work,
you popped your head in and said
"Baby, I have to get going"
"No" I softly replied
You told me, "Come here"
and wrapped me up in a big hug,
your hands feeling good on my bare skin
and you smelled like clean laundry and Ben
I felt lame when tears welled up in my eyes
I just missed you already
I don't have a lot in this life
but I have you
and that's the most rare thing in this world,
you are what everyone spends all their time looking for,
the perfect lover to compliment myself
every time you pulled away and I thought you were leaving,
you would kiss me over and over

you kiss me just the same
when you get home every day from work
as when you're leaving me in the mornings
Sep 2018 · 224
The best thing
Lydia Sep 2018
You sat there reassuring me
"Baby, I love you"
you pulled me closer
and I could see the reflection of myself in your eyes
"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me"
is it selfish that I want you to go on?
to keep telling me just how much you love me and to stay looking at me like that
I want to see my reflection just to have a glimpse of what you see in me
because it's in those moments where we talk like this that I really can see the true love you have for me
and it feels so good when its just me and you
locked away somewhere tangled up in each other
So I tell you "I love you too"
and it's as easy as that for you to make me feel like I'm the only one in your world
Sep 2018 · 241
Highs and lows
Lydia Sep 2018
I really do wonder if I am just going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it's just a very long faze
I've wondered this for years
always thinking
"well next week will be better
next month will be better
next year will be better"
and it's not
I've been so unhappy lately
the kind I can't quite put my finger on
I know I've been lonely
and feeling insecure lately
about everything
my looks
my job
my relationship
my son
my car
Etc etc etc
I honestly have days and weeks where I feel unstoppable
I could handle everything at once and not blink
but then all of those highs crash into deep dark lows and I feel too weak to climb back up
Sep 2018 · 164
January 7th, 2018
Lydia Sep 2018
I didn't ask for you to fix me
but it feels good to lay my head on your chest while you run your fingers through my hair
Found this draft
Sep 2018 · 5.5k
Home with you
Lydia Sep 2018
being in love with him is the most natural thing in the world
he told me the first time we hung out,
that "he just felt comfortable with me"
and I knew exactly what he was saying,
because his arms felt like home the very first time they wrapped around me
and honestly still do
To my sweet man who is always my inspiration
Sep 2018 · 956
Opening up
Lydia Sep 2018
you never pushed me to open up to you from the very beginning,
you just always made it an option,
maybe that's why I fell so hard,

because you were selfless and honest
I opened up more than my heart to give to you
Sep 2018 · 254
Mess
Lydia Sep 2018
I'm so embarrassed to even say so
but this morning I got so upset I threw my water bottle at the door and it went everywhere
I haven't done something so irrational in a long time
We were arguing and it was over something so stupid
I don't know why I snapped
but I looked crazy and the **** part of me showed its face
I immediately started cleaning up
Ashamed and embarrassed of what I had done
wishing that cleaning up the mess would also clean up the bigger mess I had made between us
I know I get angry
I know I have issues
But I never wanted to show them to you
I told you if you left you would never come back
if I'm honest
that's all I'm really afraid of
when we argue I'm afraid you'll never come back or you will leave me
That's a crazy way to think everytime we get mad
but I'm so used to being left alone
I'm so used to being this way
I don't know why I show it in the way I do
I get so mad instead of telling you what I really feel
I have growing to do
I just don't want you to leave me
I'm sorry for making a mess
Sep 2018 · 202
everything
Lydia Sep 2018
I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish  
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall
Sep 2018 · 139
Untitled
Lydia Sep 2018
Growing up I was always told,
NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE WHO YOU ARE AND TO STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

I never knew how hard both of those things really were to do
until
I grew up and
became confused about who I am
and I found myself at times too weak to say anything when I knew something was wrong
What if I my parents told me that growing up
in hopes that I could do the things they never found the courage to?
Sep 2018 · 2.0k
Perspective
Lydia Sep 2018
Now that I think about it,
I always want people to like me
and respect me
and realize how valuable I really am,
but why do I expect other people to see all of that in me,
when I don't even see it in myself?
Sep 2018 · 174
lonely
Lydia Sep 2018
I don't like being alone
I used to have this false idea that I loved having all the time in the world to myself
that I missed the days of it just being me me me
and then every single time an opportunity arises,
I am only left feeling empty
and anxious
and lonely

I can be in a room full of people and still feel like I'm standing in the dark,
sometimes other people make me feel more lonely than I ever could have imagined while being on my own

lonliness is a disease only someone you love can cure
Me recently
Sep 2018 · 2.5k
left behind
Lydia Sep 2018
after we have *** or you and I lay all over each other all weekend,
I can still smell you on my clothes and in my hair and on my skin
I always tell you that you smell like home, you smell like my Ben,
there is a comfort in the lingering of you,
even when were apart, you still find ways to leave traces of you behind
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