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21h · 14
Self sabotage
Lydia 21h
It is disappointing
that every thing you think and build up in your mind
is better than the reality of it
6d · 185
Lydia 6d
I’ll love you forever if you let me
If you want me to
If you feel the way I do
because I believe you hung the moon
and we met in the galaxies
somewhere when our souls were just stardust
and energy
our vibrations are higher together
I have met you in every life and I’ll meet you in every single one after this
I remember whispering to you
“I have waited for you for so long, I’m so glad I found you”
Mar 2021 · 461
Lydia Mar 2021
I thought I’d write some poetry about a feeling that is not brand new to me
but every time I feel it, I don’t know how to make it stop
a pain inside, empathy for someone who has lost a person very very close to them
direct family, mother, father, son, daughter, sister or brother
the most important part of your life
whether you know it or not
people you lived under the same roof with
share personal inside jokes and countless memories with
people who made you into who you are today
losing someone like that is
unimaginable to me
because my family is still intact at age 25
but my sweet Phil has lost his dad
and tonight
after several drinks and bar food and friends surrounding him with love, I cried like a busted pipe on his sleeve
I cried for him and his loss
and his Mother and his sister
It makes me smile when he talks about the good memories with his dad
because he didn’t have a ****** dad like I did
he had an amazing one
the one who should live forever
it’s times like these that I believe all humans are connected
for me to feel the pain he is feeling so vivid and real that it made my eyes swell from tears and made my heart rip in half, I know our souls are United somehow when we open ourselves up to being able to get inside another person
without actually touching them
Jan 2021 · 465
Pretzel sticks
Lydia Jan 2021
This is the perfect time to write
I’m right at the end of 25 years on this planet
Sitting in a bar at 3:14 pm on a cold Thursday in January, 2021
I’ve had a bad day
So I decided driving by this bar that I was gonna stop and have a drink because that’s what I needed today
So far I was right
I ordered a angry orchard on an empty stomach and drank the first half really quickly so I’d get that good buzz really quickly
the nice bartender, an older lady asked me if wanted food so I asked for a menu because, why not?
I’m broker than ever and can’t really afford to be doing what I’m doing right now but what’s an extra 6.99 on pretzel sticks with beer cheese?
It’s beer cheese for heavens sake.
when the going gets tough, the tough get going
to get a good drink on tap
I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time
I get lucky I guess
My whole life has been built on me
Completely on me to decide where I’m gonna go and how my life is going to look
That’s kind of scary honestly
that my life and my sons life relies completely on my shoulders
I can’t ***** up
I can’t give up
So we will just keep going
Jan 2021 · 172
checking the boxes
Lydia Jan 2021
I feel like I’ve been running since I was 18
always chasing down something I felt I had to achieve
I had a plan and lists of hopes for my future
and 8 years later I have checked almost every box off my list
that feeling of accomplishment comes in waves
knowing my hard work paid off
knowing where I was and where I am today makes me grateful
so very grateful
for everything
all the stuff I had to go through
all the pain I felt
and happiness along the way
I feel like I can stop running
and start walking to take it all in
not because I have checked almost all of my boxes
but because I checked the one box that I never put down

I have found peace in my everyday life
and a knowing that things will be okay
no matter what happens
because I am grateful
because I believe in myself
I know myself now better than I ever have
It’s an understanding
of all the uncertainty I’ve faced in my past and that I will face in my future

I hope on your grocery list for your life
you find inner peace and security in trusting yourself
as you chase all of your dreams
that way when you come to the end
you can start making more boxes
Dec 2020 · 322
Thanks for listening
Lydia Dec 2020
Today has turned into one of those days where I feel like I’m missing out on life
whatever that means
wherever it means

it means I’m at home, a young mother at 25, at home on a Tuesday evening and I have work in the morning and I’m feeling left out
I’m feeling jealous of anyone who isn’t tied down to someone
I’ve gotten to taste what that life is like,
on the weekends my son is with his father,
it’s bittersweet,
It feels so good to do what you want with no responsibility for a little while
but having someone to miss and a home to go home to hits different when you know what you’re missing

It’s a lonely life
I didn’t realize how isolating parenthood can be
how many hours alone I would spend
how much time I’d be unable to talk to another adult
how much I’d feel left out by the people I care about
how many times I’ve had to turn down plans because I had my child

It’s also a fulfilling life
a beautiful one
a challenging one
a scary one
a fun, adorable, loving, and be loved life I have

It’s just a Tuesday night
and I’m at home with my kid on my couch in my living room
one day I’m gonna miss these days
I have successfully written myself out of the funk I was in when I started this
thanks for listening
Nov 2020 · 316
Lydia Nov 2020
I’m sick of my brain telling me no one cares
that no one really loves me and if I wasn’t around no one would notice
It’s told me this my whole life
For as long as I can recall memories
And as long as I’ve been old enough to think for myself,
my brain has lied to me so many times
Nov 2020 · 480
Lydia Nov 2020
I can love myself so much better
comparison steals my ability to see my beauty
I spend so much time loathing
I don’t know what to compare myself to anymore
Nov 2020 · 129
The stuff that hurts
Lydia Nov 2020
he said not thinking about it is easier
he just focuses on the good stuff.
“so you don’t talk about it?” I asked
“I wouldn’t even know how to,” he said
“I don’t like thinking about it”
“About what?”
He closed his eyes and said
“The stuff that hurts”
Sep 2020 · 450
Lydia Sep 2020
the songs come on in the car when my playlist is on shuffle
and I almost wreck to reach over and change the track
the memories attached make me hurt too much to even listen
I used to play those songs when things were different and nothing hurt
they remind me of you and the car you used to drive with the windows down and the sunroof open
going to the bar and eating expensive food
at all of our favorite places that I don’t go to anymore
they would play so loud the speakers would shake and I’d sing along to every word
and you never told me to shut up or turned it up not to hear me
those songs make me think of laughing and love
and right now I don’t know what any of those things sound like anymore
so I’ll stick to changing the songs to what I’ve been listening to these days
Aug 2020 · 186
Lydia Aug 2020
I left the music on while I laid on the floor
sinking into the carpet felt good
I had no purpose to get up
and no intentions on trying
I had no reason to be anywhere and no one wanted me somewhere
I realized if I disappeared no one would notice
if I stayed right there on that floor in my bedroom for the weekend, it wouldn’t matter because nobody cared
I was utterly alone
and insanely lonely
I thought
I’m going to stay here forever
where the carpet is soft and the world has stopped and no one knows what I’m doing
and most of all, because I dont have to feel anything except the floor on my face
Aug 2020 · 299
Lydia Aug 2020
I feel my chest filling up with pressure
my heart is in knots
and my stomach hurts
I am feeling so very sad that it’s painful
I’m so sad about this whole thing
I guess I just have to say I’m laying in bed and my throat feels like it’s closing as I choke back sobs
They say good times will come
I’m starting to become afraid that I’ve used all of my good times in the past
I have given so much of myself to people I’ve become used up
and left with an empty shell of a girl who used to laugh and sing and dance and take silly photographs and drink a little too much, read and write poems
I’ve become the shell of that girl
and I miss her very much
Aug 2020 · 273
When I left
Lydia Aug 2020
I realized when I left
that meant I was going to be alone
for awhile
for years maybe
that it would be challenging to find someone who could put up with me
love me for all my many quirks and sarcastic comments
my attitude on my good and bad days
I realized leaving meant many many lonely days
and possibly even lonelier nights
but that it could also mean
many many filled moments of figuring myself out like never before
and maybe, loneliness would teach me a thing or two about loving myself for the very first time
when I have nothing left, I will have Me
Aug 2020 · 86
Lydia Aug 2020
I don’t think love goes anywhere when it’s over
It stays right there in the crevices of your heart until you have a moment of dejavu and it seems real again for a minute
long enough to hurt
long enough to satisfy the hunger you feel
Aug 2020 · 218
I made it
Lydia Aug 2020
I just went back and read the beautiful things I wrote
during the darkest time of my life
I can see that girl writing those poems
I know exactly where she was
I see it in my mind so clearly when I read through my old thoughts
I was so beautifully melancholy
yet inspiring and hopeful sometimes
I should read what I wrote about myself more often because I was speaking love to myself that I’ve forgotten about
somehow I lost that light that shines in those words
even if they are painful and sad there is power in what I said
because I made it
May 2020 · 310
Ignore me
Lydia May 2020
The worst thing you can do to me is
Ignore me
And then think that will solve something
because we will be “calmer” “cooled down” “not angry anymore”
Yeah right
ignoring me only escalates my emotions
giving me time to think is a dangerous thing
leaving me to cry huge tears that soaked my face and my bed and left my eyes red and my throat sore is a careless mistake for a girl like me
Once my heart is cracked open
it crumbles like dirt in your hands
I am not a forgiving person
even if I wanted to be
I don’t have it in me to forgive someone for stepping on me like I am small
Inside I am bigger than you
I just have to find that part of me that got lost somewhere and I’ll be giant and so bright I’ll blind you
Apr 2020 · 273
Seeing red
Lydia Apr 2020
I never understood what the phrase “seeing red” meant until yesterday
when I turned into a cherry while I was angry
It was the first time I’ve ever gotten so mad that I noticed my skin was red all over my body
like the blood had risen to the very top layer  trying to burst out and explode, just like the words from my mouth were
I was seeing the red all over my lips when the things I was saying were warning signs of hurt, volatility, and fear
that they may have sounded sharp like a razor drawing blood, but were actually disguised insecurity overflowing from my red, bleeding heart
I was seeing red bloodshot eyes from the volume my voice was reaching
it was so loud my ears didn’t even recognize the sounds coming from within me
the noise was so piercing it was like my eyes panicked, the natural blue color faded and they shrank away from the anger by disguising themselves as someone else’s
the red was everywhere in me
the color of stop or else you’ll hurt or get hurt
I saw red meant that my heart was breaking
Apr 2020 · 260
Lydia Apr 2020
I’ve been gone for so long because I
haven’t felt words like I did before
these days my words are different
they have spoken life and happiness like they haven’t before
strength that I had forgotten I had

my vocabulary has changed as well as my life
the piece of that girl is still in here somewhere but the sun has been shining inside again and the dark has changed into a sunrise without ever setting

finding a new sense of identity in this season without a constant depression wave hitting me has my heart feeling pulled into a different perspective
these days I am smiling and there is truth behind it
Nov 2019 · 278
Lydia Nov 2019
This season of life is full of simplicity
it’s a little boy about to turn 4 who asks Mama to play with him and read him the same books over and over again
birthday party planning, holiday coordinating
co parenting changing,
his stubborn side showing,
refusing to eat meals and pushing as far as he can
but also so so sweet when he tells me
“Mommy, you’re beautiful”
“Mom I want a hug”
“Mom will you sit by me?”
toddler talks and stuttering over his words because he can’t get them out fast enough
Sesame Street on repeat and little boy jokes
daycare drop offs and after work pick ups
bedtime routines and storybooks
Single child syndrome, center of attention
this season of life is so simple
motherhood now is like holding onto the baby things while also helping him do the big boy stuff,
independence blossoming
I always wondered when we would get here
past the diaper days
the breastfeeding
the restless nights
and teething
it’s all so bittersweet
My only baby
maybe my only baby
through ***** ups and scoldings he still wants to hold my hand and be carried by Mama
this season of life is all about childhood for an almost 4 year old little boy
Aug 2019 · 331
Forever is a long time
Lydia Aug 2019
For a long time I think would sneer at commitment or “forever” because I hadn’t found my own yet
I would criticize the idea and make a mockery of marriage
always giving my reasons as to why it was a terrible idea dressed up in a white dress and flowers
deep down somewhere it was easier to critique the idea of being with a person for the rest of your life
than it was to imagine actually doing it
and who could blame me based off where I come from?
two broken homes
drug and alcohol abused families
broke and negative home life
and low self esteem

Forever is a long time
but never enough when you finally find your person
and all the scary things that once seemed phony
feel wonderfully real instead
Jul 2019 · 160
Lydia Jul 2019
I wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through
but I don’t think I can find the words
when I look back and the memories flash through my brain
it all seems like a life someone else lives
that it wasn’t me anyway
but it is me
this is my life
and I have no idea how to talk about it
let alone fix it
Jul 2019 · 258
Against the world
Lydia Jul 2019
I’m so angry it’s not good
I have to go in to work in about twenty minutes
and yet I don’t know if I wanna scream or cry or sleep or all of it
Let me start by saying I think my anxiety is through the roof
I feel like crap and I’m so out of it I don’t even know how I got here
sometimes I want to be babied
I want someone to help me get ready and cater to all of my needs
Keep me safe under a wing like a mother does
Like I do for my son
Tell me I’m so smart and cute and funny
In those exact words
Tell me I will be helped and safe
No one does that when you’re an adult
It’s literally you against the world
So me against the world
Me against the world
Against the world
The world
Jun 2019 · 206
My feelings kill me
Lydia Jun 2019
the other night I thought I was dying
my arm started to hurt and it felt like my veins were trying to burst through my skin
panic overflowed immediately
and I couldn’t breathe
it hurt so bad I thought surely this was it
it would almost make sense that I would go
from my own feelings killing me
first girl whose own feelings literally killed her
that’s how it felt
like my own thoughts could literally stop my heart
unintentional self sabotage
an ice pack and breathing eventually worked
and I fell asleep so hard I had dreams that I could barely remember the next morning
Jun 2019 · 194
Panic attack
Lydia Jun 2019
Have you ever tried to talk yourself out of a panic attack?
It’s not easy
It doesn’t really work
your heart still races
and your blood still feels like
it’s flying through your veins
your vision still blurs
and your thoughts don’t make sense
your breath comes in short waves
before you know it
you’re already in it
so just try to lay back and feel it
Jun 2019 · 297
Lydia Jun 2019
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to show my love
or why I can be so present and unavailable when you need me the most
it’s not like I don’t feel it
the way my issues have built up a wall
I look so warm but I’m cold to the touch
my ability to love is shadowed by my self hate
I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who hurts themselves but causes you pain
May 2019 · 143
Lydia May 2019
you made me a cake from a box  
added the ingredients and mixed it all up
set the timer and watched to make sure it didn’t burn
took it out and let it cool
then covered it with bright pink icing
then scattered sprinkles on top
you made me something sweet
because you’re not
May 2019 · 230
Lydia May 2019
the vibrations in the room so heavy you can feel it in your pulse
sending vibes back and forth
when you’re sad I can feel it
when you want me I can sense it
when you’re angry I can breathe it
I could choke on the tension
suffocation taking my breath away

the front you put up can’t keep out the words you don’t wanna say
tell me you’re fine
I know you’re losing
tell me it’s easy I know it’s harder
you can swallow me whole with your energy
I’ve always swam in my feelings
May 2019 · 108
Lydia May 2019
I don’t want to get up anymore
I don’t want to leave my bed
Or my house
Or go to work
Or have to fake it
I’m so tired
So ******* tired all the time
It’s hard even being awake
I feel bad
I don’t see why mental health isn’t treated like any other type of illness
May 2019 · 413
Lydia May 2019
I wanna look exactly how I feel
expression in its truest form
I relate colors to my mood
I’m like an abstract painting with no caption underneath
I want to be so true to my feelings that when I’m feeling down
I turn the color blue
May 2019 · 228
Lydia May 2019
Can I tell you a secret?
About when I’m manic
I’m actually a very happy person
When I’m up
I am high
I will make you love me
Love me like you would die without me
I’ll make you laugh until your abdomen hurts
I’ll sing as loud as I can
and dance around you in bliss
You’ll be left wondering how
“I’m unlike anyone else you’ve ever met”
I’ve heard this so many times
each time it makes me sick
because you love a phony
and I’m the one getting played
May 2019 · 2.0k
all apologies
Lydia May 2019
what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream
Apr 2019 · 235
Lydia Apr 2019
Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow
Apr 2019 · 429
Lydia Apr 2019
it could be that I’m turning 24 soon but I feel like time is slipping
unlike most people I hate my birthday
I hate getting older and feeling like I’m running out of time to be young
every year it’s a depressing reminder that youth doesn’t stay for long
that I’m actually an adult and there is no stopping the future
I used to think when I was younger that I’d feel differently as I got older, that I would be happier, that the depression would go away and so would the anxiety and the feeling of not knowing what the hell Im doing
because adults are supposed to have it all together
but now I can look at life like none of us know what the **** we’re doing and we’re all a little sad and messed up
Feb 2019 · 747
soak it up
Lydia Feb 2019
My problem is I don’t let people use me anymore
if you don’t understand how that’s a problem
then you’re being used by someone
I refuse to let another human take advantage of my kindness or have some of my energy they do not deserve
even if it’s just a smile or to make them laugh
they do not deserve me
they do not get to use me up just for their own gain
by being so aware
it causes me to become outcast from others often
I feel their energies and vibes so strongly it makes my stomach churn
some people carry darkness around them
but only a few of us can see it
those dark pieces try to soak up any light left in anyone who has enough to take
but oh, when I meet those who shine
they can be so bright they are blinding
Feb 2019 · 371
Lydia Feb 2019
I’m so anxious I can’t sleep
I have to get up for work at 4 am
I’m a little light headed
and my stomach hurts
I have a numbing sensation running through my legs to my head
I’m scared
I just want to cry
and scream
and run
and sleep
all at the same time
I’m so ******* uncomfortable right now I am mad
I’m lonely
I don’t want to be alone right now
but I also don’t want to be bothered
My prescription ran out and this is what I get for not getting it filled in time
My anxiety makes me so forgetful and spontaneous
Feb 2019 · 358
Lydia Feb 2019
you don’t know how long I’ve spent feeling guilty for living my life
I have finally gotten to the point where it’s all or nothing
Feb 2019 · 675
Lydia Feb 2019
going off on me for expressing my true feelings online
reminds me of when you used to do that in real life
if I ever spoke up when I was sad or angry
you would get so mad you would hit things around you
stomp off and leave
tell me I was crazy
while I was left crying so hard I couldn’t breathe
my eyes welled up red
if I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life
Jan 2019 · 987
I love you
Lydia Jan 2019
I wanna write this because I know you’ll read it
and this ones for you

I hope you know how much I adore you
and how lucky I feel to be called your girlfriend
sometimes it’s so surreal
when I get a second to think that
I’m yours
Your mine
my life has always seemed to move fast
just like me
and yet you have always seemed to be able to slow down time
and make the world stop
so that it’s just me and you
when it’s me and you
like we have a secret that’s all ours
i love you so hard sometimes I want to crawl into your body and become you
just to know what it’s like to walk around so beautiful everyday
I have always told you you’re beautiful
because it’s not just your appearance that makes you so handsome
it’s your words and your soul and that smile you give just to me
it’s you
it’s just you as a whole
your brain and heart and green eyes
I have always had expectations of my life
none of my dreams could have come up with a life as sweet as this one
with you

I Love You
Hope you liked it baby
Jan 2019 · 833
Dreaming continues
Lydia Jan 2019
I have been having a lot of dreams lately
about running away from something

but also heading towards somewhere at the same time,
in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to,
before I wake up
maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now,
that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time
and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second,
I’d have time to see where I already am
Jan 2019 · 132
Lydia Jan 2019
I have moments where I'm manic
absolutely pathetic
can't stop talking, can't be quiet
can't think clearly unless I'm writing

never notice until it's too late,
how my mind is rushing and my head aches,
every word I say and thing I do
feels just like an endless list of mistakes
Jan 2019 · 200
Lydia Jan 2019
I have always lived life like I am blind to the reality of what it really is
it’s only in faint moments do I realize what is actually true
that I’m not as happy as I come off being
it’s not as perfect as I sometimes feel like it is
I’m more sad than I let people know I’m just really good at hiding at this point
people in my life do not really care like I would like to believe
I am actually alone in this world no matter how many people I surround myself with
or who I’m with
I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m lost
Dec 2018 · 387
Lydia Dec 2018
Am I angry?
Am I sad?
Am I am jealous?
Am I depressed?
That life could go from feeling so good to feeling like this?
I am all of these things.
I have wanted so much
and gotten so little
I have gotten so much
and wanted so little
I may never be really happy
I never thought I'd be this messy
Dec 2018 · 287
Lydia Dec 2018
You should not have to feel like you need to change yourself for anyone else
the right person should help you bloom into the sunshine
be the rain to nourish your roots
and the soil to help you grow
but be the key to helping you see how beautiful you've been all along
Nov 2018 · 306
All along
Lydia Nov 2018
I think because of how I was raised
watching my mother rely on men to take care of her
I grew up believing that women needed men to survive
and I wasted so much time
trying to get a man to be that care giver
to take care of me and support me
unaware of how capable I was to do it on my own
it took years
I let my heart break and everything I'd ever believed waste away
and then I looked up and down
at my body and my reflection
and saw that I am my own caregiver
my biggest supporter
all I really ever needed was here all along
Nov 2018 · 264
The one
Lydia Nov 2018
when you find the one
who makes you feel at home
no matter where you are
who brings you comfort and warmth
with only their prescence
who holds your hand on the couch
and plays with your hair
the one who is there for you when you are at your lowest point
and when you are at your best
the one who is also your friend
and keeps you grounded or encourages your dreams
who calls you beautiful and wonderful and cute because they want to
hold onto that love
and follow your deepest truest feelings
our feelings tell us so much more when we tune in and listen
the universe has a way of always guiding you home
Nov 2018 · 283
Lydia Nov 2018
Now I can't breathe
I am wide awake
Going back to sleep is impossible
Help me
Tired eyes and my brain is fuzzy
Maybe I'll think nice thoughts
And that will help me sleep
Really I am trapped in my head
Every night I just have bad dreams
Nov 2018 · 154
Lydia Nov 2018
I just go with whatever my mind is telling me to do without thinking twice
and sometimes when it's over, that scares me,
how irrational my brain can be when I'm having a panic attack
my mind blanks and my legs go numb and I feel scared scared scared
for sometimes no reason
I try to not get stressed because stress makes it worse
I haven't had a panic attack in a couple weeks and I thought they were over
Nov 2018 · 215
A year
Lydia Nov 2018
someone asked me recently if
I was happy
I said that I was
maybe not all the time, but life is good,
and this time I really meant it

if you had asked me a year ago I would have said
that I don't think I'd ever be happy again
I was so low it felt like I was buried
and I meant it

funny what a difference time makes
how in a year, you can be a whole new person
Nov 2018 · 194
Lydia Nov 2018
everyone thinks they know me
but they only the version of me that they have instilled in their mind
based off of jokes, or conversation or encounters
there are a hundreds of me out there walking around with all the people I've ever known
assumptions or truth or false information about who I am swirl around me in all the day to day life
all of these versions of me have me mixed in my own cocktail of loneliness
even with all the ME in the world
I still dont even know who I am
Nov 2018 · 260
Lydia Nov 2018
I feel like my skin is crawling
I am bottled up
and my jaw keeps clenching
I am just feeling rough this week
I need a break
Can't wait for one
I hate when I'm like this
I can feel myself being angry
and a little mean for no reason
I dont mean to be
It's that feeling of needing space
but also being cuddled at the same time
I can be so stubborn when I'm like this
which aggravates me more
I wish I could peel off my skin today and put on someone else's
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