Lydia Oct 9
I try to do it all
And not be too ******* myself at the same time
I try to stay in perspective and be a positive person
hope for the best and be a better human everyday
most days I still slip up
I get **** and harsh and mean
but I'm trying
I want so much
and more for my family and myself
being patient and putting in the efforts is exhausting but I do believe one day it will all just make sense
my stars will align and I'll be proud of myself for doing it
I wanna love like I know he deserves
I want to be the mother I know my son deserves
I want to be true to myself
like I know I deserve
Lydia Oct 5
"I would drink poison if it tasted like you"
I'd do anything for you,
and you are the first person I've ever been with that I have ever really felt like that

I want you to know me
no surprises or assumptions
I want to know you inside and out
I want to memorize your expressions and your skin and the way you speak

just as I think I made you up inside my head, you prove to me that you're real
and I can be **** too,
so I should love you even more
Lydia Oct 4
On my way to work this morning
I had an anxiety attack while driving
I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I slowed down to 35 and my arms were shaky and my legs felt numb
I get so tired of having this problem
I'm so tired of it springing out of nowhere and keeping me from being able to do normal things
and making my mind race and my stomach turn to knots
I try to talk myself out of it but that doesn't always work
I dont even know what it's like to not feel like this anymore sometimes
I'm so tired of it
Lydia Oct 2
Everytime we say we goodbye
I wish I would have kissed you one more time
To both of my boys
Lydia Sep 29
I still find myself hurting over things that have been done to me in the past
things that have been said or directly wronged me to the point of heavy sobs and torrential downpours of tears
and everyone always said to not let it get to me because these people aren't my real friends, I am better than them by not retaliating or they are just miserable, so they have to take their hate for themselves out on others
but
how do I really let go, if I'm left with an emotional scar of how I was treated and how some people I care about didn't defend me like I needed?
now I treat people I meet for the first time differently because I'm skeptical of everyone now
I only feel like they do not have good intentions and are only capable of being hateful and judging me
or hurting me
I was so beaten down to the point that I wondered why I was here
why I wasn't good enough
why I even tried everyday
that kind of mental brutality can really take a toll on a person
Most of all, I am hurt that from now on or for a very long time,
I don't see the good in people anymore
I used to believe people were truly good,
we just all make mistakes
but now I just think this world has turned into a pretty awful place
Lydia Sep 28
mornings like this remind me of us
when we first started out
cold air and cigarettes
your hand in mine, warm and loving
soaking up every second just to have one more minute with each other before reality sets in and we have to be just you and just me
instead of we
cold nights wrapped up in blankets and each other
unable to stop kissing and laughing and talking
all the "I miss you's" and the "wish you were here" over the phone while we stayed up to talk way past when we should have been in bed
the nights out having a drink and then singing on the way back to your house to cuddle in bed and watch TV until we can't keep our eyes open anymore
the cold makes me feel warm
filling me up with good memories I get to keep
I love you so much Benjamin. My constant muse and inspiration and truest friend and lover I could ever ask for ♡
Lydia Sep 26
I got out of the shower put a towel around my head and went to our bedroom to put on clothes for work,
you popped your head in and said
"Baby, I have to get going"
"No" I softly replied
You told me, "Come here"
and wrapped me up in a big hug,
your hands feeling good on my bare skin
and you smelled like clean laundry and Ben
I felt lame when tears welled up in my eyes
I just missed you already
I don't have a lot in this life
but I have you
and that's the most rare thing in this world,
you are what everyone spends all their time looking for,
the perfect lover to compliment myself
every time you pulled away and I thought you were leaving,
you would kiss me over and over

you kiss me just the same
when you get home every day from work
as when you're leaving me in the mornings
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