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Lydia Sep 3
the songs come on in the car when my playlist is on shuffle
and I almost wreck to reach over and change the track
the memories attached make me hurt too much to even listen
I used to play those songs when things were different and nothing hurt
they remind me of you and the car you used to drive with the windows down and the sunroof open
going to the bar and eating expensive food
at all of our favorite places that I don’t go to anymore
they would play so loud the speakers would shake and I’d sing along to every word
and you never told me to shut up or turned it up not to hear me
those songs make me think of laughing and love
and right now I don’t know what any of those things sound like anymore
so I’ll stick to changing the songs to what I’ve been listening to these days
Lydia Aug 24
I left the music on while I laid on the floor
sinking into the carpet felt good
I had no purpose to get up
and no intentions on trying
I had no reason to be anywhere and no one wanted me somewhere
I realized if I disappeared no one would notice
if I stayed right there on that floor in my bedroom for the weekend, it wouldn’t matter because nobody cared
I was utterly alone
and insanely lonely
I thought
I’m going to stay here forever
where the carpet is soft and the world has stopped and no one knows what I’m doing
and most of all, because I dont have to feel anything except the floor on my face
Lydia Aug 13
I feel my chest filling up with pressure
my heart is in knots
and my stomach hurts
I am feeling so very sad that it’s painful
I’m so sad about this whole thing
I guess I just have to say I’m laying in bed and my throat feels like it’s closing as I choke back sobs
They say good times will come
I’m starting to become afraid that I’ve used all of my good times in the past
I have given so much of myself to people I’ve become used up
and left with an empty shell of a girl who used to laugh and sing and dance and take silly photographs and drink a little too much, read and write poems
I’ve become the shell of that girl
and I miss her very much
Lydia Aug 12
I realized when I left
that meant I was going to be alone
for awhile
for years maybe
that it would be challenging to find someone who could put up with me
love me for all my many quirks and sarcastic comments
my attitude on my good and bad days
I realized leaving meant many many lonely days
and possibly even lonelier nights
but that it could also mean
many many filled moments of figuring myself out like never before
and maybe, loneliness would teach me a thing or two about loving myself for the very first time
when I have nothing left, I will have Me
Lydia Aug 12
I don’t think love goes anywhere when it’s over
It stays right there in the crevices of your heart until you have a moment of dejavu and it seems real again for a minute
long enough to hurt
long enough to satisfy the hunger you feel
Lydia Aug 12
I’ve waited this long to write something
cause I know you’ll read it
and I don’t wanna hurt you anymore than you already are
but maybe, just maybe
the words on this page will help
I have spent 8 years wrapped up in someone else’s life
8 years being a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, everything but Me

I have held onto anger and fear and resentment for so long it has consumed me
and caused me to bring it out on others as well
I am not good for commitment because I will hurt over and over again until I figure out how to love myself by destroying another person
how to let go of some kind of anger I have been holding onto my entire life

How will I love someone else when I simply have no clue how to even love myself?
The person I will die with is a ghost to me in the mirror
I contemplated killing myself because it felt like the right thing to do
I wrote out letters
One to you
One to my family
and one to my Son
and I folded them up
and grabbed the razor blade and thought how easy it could be right now to end it all

I wasn’t even crying anymore
I felt numb and I pressed it down on my left wrist and my brain said Pull
but my heart screamed NO
So I sat there in a ball and cried on the floor by the bed and prayed to God to help me
to answer all the tough questions I feel inside of me
to let me Go
Let me go let me go let me go
so I don’t have to feel like this anymore

So I realized I wasn’t good for anyone if I wasn’t even able to be good to myself
it was too draining to be everything for someone else
and nothing for me
to put up with things my heart no longer wanted to deal with
and to have to say things and hope for things my brain was tired of thinking

some people don’t need to love another person
they need to dig deeper and love that soul inside of them they abandoned a long time ago
I know if I don’t save myself now
I won’t live to see 33
Lydia Aug 3
I just went back and read the beautiful things I wrote
during the darkest time of my life
and
I can see that girl writing those poems
I know exactly where she was
I see it in my mind so clearly when I read through my old thoughts
I was so beautifully melancholy
yet inspiring and hopeful sometimes
I should read what I wrote about myself more often because I was speaking love to myself that I’ve forgotten about
somehow I lost that light that shines in those words
even if they are painful and sad there is power in what I said
because I made it
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