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Lydia Mar 2021
I thought I’d write some poetry about a feeling that is not brand new to me
but every time I feel it, I don’t know how to make it stop
a pain inside, empathy for someone who has lost a person very very close to them
direct family, mother, father, son, daughter, sister or brother
the most important part of your life
whether you know it or not
people you lived under the same roof with
share personal inside jokes and countless memories with
people who made you into who you are today
losing someone like that is
unimaginable to me
because my family is still intact at age 25
but my sweet Phil has lost his dad
and tonight
after several drinks and bar food and friends surrounding him with love, I cried like a busted pipe on his sleeve
I cried for him and his loss
and his Mother and his sister
It makes me smile when he talks about the good memories with his dad
because he didn’t have a ****** dad like I did
he had an amazing one
the one who should live forever
it’s times like these that I believe all humans are connected
for me to feel the pain he is feeling so vivid and real that it made my eyes swell from tears and made my heart rip in half, I know our souls are United somehow when we open ourselves up to being able to get inside another person
without actually touching them
Lydia Jan 2021
This is the perfect time to write
I’m right at the end of 25 years on this planet
Sitting in a bar at 3:14 pm on a cold Thursday in January, 2021
I’ve had a bad day
So I decided driving by this bar that I was gonna stop and have a drink because that’s what I needed today
So far I was right
I ordered a angry orchard on an empty stomach and drank the first half really quickly so I’d get that good buzz really quickly
the nice bartender, an older lady asked me if wanted food so I asked for a menu because, why not?
I’m broker than ever and can’t really afford to be doing what I’m doing right now but what’s an extra 6.99 on pretzel sticks with beer cheese?
It’s beer cheese for heavens sake.
when the going gets tough, the tough get going
to get a good drink on tap
I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time
I get lucky I guess
My whole life has been built on me
Completely on me to decide where I’m gonna go and how my life is going to look
That’s kind of scary honestly
that my life and my sons life relies completely on my shoulders
I can’t ***** up
I can’t give up
So we will just keep going
Lydia Jan 2021
I feel like I’ve been running since I was 18
always chasing down something I felt I had to achieve
I had a plan and lists of hopes for my future
and 8 years later I have checked almost every box off my list
that feeling of accomplishment comes in waves
knowing my hard work paid off
knowing where I was and where I am today makes me grateful
so very grateful
for everything
all the stuff I had to go through
all the pain I felt
and happiness along the way
I feel like I can stop running
and start walking to take it all in
not because I have checked almost all of my boxes
but because I checked the one box that I never put down

I have found peace in my everyday life
and a knowing that things will be okay
no matter what happens
because I am grateful
because I believe in myself
I know myself now better than I ever have
It’s an understanding
of all the uncertainty I’ve faced in my past and that I will face in my future

I hope on your grocery list for your life
you find inner peace and security in trusting yourself
as you chase all of your dreams
that way when you come to the end
you can start making more boxes
Lydia Dec 2020
Today has turned into one of those days where I feel like I’m missing out on life
whatever that means
wherever it means

it means I’m at home, a young mother at 25, at home on a Tuesday evening and I have work in the morning and I’m feeling left out
I’m feeling jealous of anyone who isn’t tied down to someone
I’ve gotten to taste what that life is like,
on the weekends my son is with his father,
it’s bittersweet,
It feels so good to do what you want with no responsibility for a little while
but having someone to miss and a home to go home to hits different when you know what you’re missing

It’s a lonely life
I didn’t realize how isolating parenthood can be
how many hours alone I would spend
how much time I’d be unable to talk to another adult
how much I’d feel left out by the people I care about
how many times I’ve had to turn down plans because I had my child

It’s also a fulfilling life
a beautiful one
a challenging one
a scary one
a fun, adorable, loving, and be loved life I have

It’s just a Tuesday night
and I’m at home with my kid on my couch in my living room
one day I’m gonna miss these days
I have successfully written myself out of the funk I was in when I started this
thanks for listening
Lydia Nov 2020
I’m sick of my brain telling me no one cares
that no one really loves me and if I wasn’t around no one would notice
It’s told me this my whole life
For as long as I can recall memories
And as long as I’ve been old enough to think for myself,
my brain has lied to me so many times
Lydia Nov 2020
I can love myself so much better
comparison steals my ability to see my beauty
I spend so much time loathing
I don’t know what to compare myself to anymore
Lydia Nov 2020
he said not thinking about it is easier
he just focuses on the good stuff
so you don’t talk about it? I asked
I wouldn’t even know how to he said
I don’t like thinking about it
About what?
He closed his eyes and said
The stuff that hurts
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