Last night I closed my eyes and you came to me in the dark, just you in a room where you were surrounded by pitch black
Your face was blank, basically emotionless
as you stared back at me, it was like you were right in front of me and even when I opened my eyes your image was still fresh in my mind
No matter what I did I couldn’t make you go away
I didn’t feel scared of you but it just made me sad
Seeing you morph like my mind was remembering the details of your face and then you came into view the way I remember
As you,
with those eyes behind your glasses that they buried you in and that grey beanie that was on your head at your funeral, the one you wore to work so often, along with your other ball caps they removed from your desk
They told us we would feel so many ways for awhile after your loss
But no one mentioned you showing up in the dark

One week is as long as it takes for your job to wait before they clean out your things and go back to normal day to day life after you pass away
and although routines, business and normalcy all make sense for the mental health and financial success of everyone else still alive
because life goes on as it always does and always has…
it’s a reminder that no job is worth any extra of your precious time on earth or mental sanity
because it takes your employer one week to move on without you

I’ve decided that if I never hear the phrase
“That’s just the way I was raised”
ever again in my life, I would be a happier person
a lot of things about that sentence get under my skin
it’s like saying that your behavior that’s usually inappropriate, selfish, hurtful, harmful or annoying is justified because “you were raised that way”

by people whom you haven’t lived with in over ten years, by people who you claim you want to be nothing like, by people who have different opinions and views on life because they’re human just like you with the freedom to make their own choices, just like you

it’s like saying you can’t form your own opinions or grow because you were raised a certain way so that’s that and you are perfect just the way you are and everyone else just has to deal with it because you’re not changing clearly because “you were raised that way”

it’s an excuse for your bad behavior or ridiculous comment you made so the other person just has to accept that you’re justified because you “don’t know any better”

it’s ignoring all the life lessons you’ve ever learned or had thrown your way since you turned 18 because it’s easier than admitting maybe you’re not correct in your way of thinking or behaviors in this life

it’s a way to try to control other people in a horribly unfair and power hungry way of claiming you’re too ignorant to think any other way because your environment as a child just HAS to define your freedom to make your own choices and choose new ways to think and see the world around you because you just “can’t help it”

it’s stunting any personal growth you could ever possibly have as a human in this one life that we get to live because you’re a full blown adult who does NOT have to live, breathe, speak, see, eat, learn, etc the way your parents did. It’s limiting you to reach your full potential because whether you think so or not, you’re choosing to live behind some phrase that seemed to get you out of trouble before so you’re gonna use it again to skip over your mistakes

If I just lived and breathed “the way I was raised” my world would be a horrible place to be, I’d be repeating generational curses and living a really sad, addicted lifestyle if I just did everything “the way I was raised”

Life is so boring
at this present moment in time
I could not be more burnt out with my routine
my job
my weekends
my appearance
the people around me
everything
It is no one’s fault but my own that this mindset is upon me
I have not done anything new in the past few years
I’ve been in the same town
in the same job
doing the same exact thing every day as if it is Groundhog Day
the worst part about it is
I have no idea or motivation to do anything else
I am well into my late 20s and life is comfortable
it’s confusing because it’s good
but also not because I have no moments of
“I can’t believe this is my life! How amazing!”
Is it too early for me to be having a midlife crisis at 28?
In my world as it is right now
I am not depressed so much as if this is what life is going to be like, I’m going to continue spending a lot of time waiting for the end of the day

My human experience is paused
I used to think crying all the time was the worst way to be
but now that I feel numb I’d take back the tears just to feel something
being able to cry is better than feeling basically nothing

At this point in life whoever you’re with or whoever you’re gonna meet is irreparably broken
I know this cause so am I
I’ve been in therapy consistently for almost a year now and off and on for several years before this and I still haven’t gotten it quite figured out
the damage done by past relationships follows swiftly
like a dark shadow I constantly see the pain out of the corner of my eyes
I don’t know how to help someone else when I’m hurting too
so stumbling and falling is natural when you can’t see which direction your feet are going
maybe some of us weren’t meant to be destined for greatness or great love
maybe we’re not all meant to find true happiness or peace
maybe we’re not meant to live without the anxiety because at this point, it’s a part of who we are
and if we lose that too, then we’d lose ourselves completely

things that bothered me yesterday
I can’t even remember today
so while the anxiety and troubles have passed
I’ll just soak up this feeling while it lasts