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Lydia Aug 15
For a long time I think would sneer at commitment or “forever” because I hadn’t found my own yet
I would criticize the idea and make a mockery of marriage
always giving my reasons as to why it was a terrible idea dressed up in a white dress and flowers
deep down somewhere it was easier to critique the idea of being with a person for the rest of your life
than it was to imagine actually doing it
and who could blame me based off where I come from?
two broken homes
drug and alcohol abused families
broke and negative home life
and low self esteem

Forever is a long time
but never enough when you finally find your person
and all the scary things that once seemed phony
feel wonderfully real instead
Lydia Jul 22
If I could write my future
it would look somewhat like this

A little light blue house with a porch swing out front
plants growing in vases on the porch and in the garden and our mail box would say Mayne
we would have a dog and a fish in a bowl on the mantle above the fireplace
I can see me in the kitchen making something for dinner while Gavin does his homework on the counter and Ben helps him with his math
We’re married, two cars that run and a little baby on the way
we would laugh a lot and snuggle on the couch before bed and talk about baby names
On the weekends we would spend time together when Gavin was at his dads and do things like go out to dinner and plan little dates
every year we would have a family vacation and cut down a Christmas tree for the living room
on our anniversary every year we would always make sure to go to the Red Mule for at least a drink or some pizza because that’s where we had our first date
if we argued we would always make up and make sure to fight fair
we would never go to bed angry and always remember we’re on the same team
my last name would be different and my heart would be full and I’d have a family and a home and peace of mind
we wouldn’t need much because we already had a lot of love
that’s all I really want in life
Lydia Jul 22
I wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through
but I don’t think I can find the words
when I look back and the memories flash through my brain
it all seems like a life someone else lives
that it wasn’t me anyway
but it is me
this is my life
and I have no idea how to talk about it
let alone fix it
Lydia Jul 2
I’m so angry it’s not good
I have to go in to work in about twenty minutes
and yet I don’t know if I wanna scream or cry or sleep or all of it
Let me start by saying I think my anxiety is through the roof
I feel like crap and I’m so out of it I don’t even know how I got here
sometimes I want to be babied
I want someone to help me get ready and cater to all of my needs
Keep me safe under a wing like a mother does
Like I do for my son
Tell me I’m so smart and cute and funny
In those exact words
Tell me I will be helped and safe
No one does that when you’re an adult
It’s literally you against the world
So me against the world
Me against the world
Against the world
The world
Lydia Jun 30
the other night I thought I was dying
my arm started to hurt and it felt like my veins were trying to burst through my skin
panic overflowed immediately
and I couldn’t breathe
it hurt so bad I thought surely this was it
it would almost make sense that I would go
from my own feelings killing me
first girl whose own feelings literally killed her
that’s how it felt
like my own thoughts could literally stop my heart
unintentional self sabotage
an ice pack and breathing eventually worked
and I fell asleep so hard I had dreams that I could barely remember the next morning
Lydia Jun 30
Have you ever tried to talk yourself out of a panic attack?
It’s not easy
It doesn’t really work
your heart still races
and your blood still feels like
it’s flying through your veins
your vision still blurs
and your thoughts don’t make sense
your breath comes in short waves
before you know it
you’re already in it
so just try to lay back and feel it
Lydia Jun 6
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to show my love
or why I can be so present and unavailable when you need me the most
it’s not like I don’t feel it
the way my issues have built up a wall
I look so warm but I’m cold to the touch
my ability to love is shadowed by my self hate
I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who hurts themselves but causes you pain
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