i still see you in my dreams
white hallways of burgundy tile and gravel
multi coloured lockers line the walls
sometimes i believe
im in a dream
still a sleep on my desk
before the lunchbell
when things were a haze of quiet noise
do the fish still swim?
does that tree still stand tall?
are the things that i've hidden
stuffed between shelves,
covered by rocks,
still there?
or have curious fingers touched them
traced the loops of my handwriting
wondering who
i am

i wonder, too

i still see you in my dreams
fresh cut grass,
tall windows, plush seats
a corner
hidden from the world.

i became an island
wrapped myself in an earthen blanket
and crawled into the ocean

i slept, the most peaceful sight
fetal position as i embraced nothing

i became an island
lost at sea
disappearing in the high tide
my sandy shores raked with coral
under the moon

under the moon
when i rise
to watch the waves lick at my soles

under the moon
i became an island.

one night, i counted the seconds
the ones i could hear from my broken wall-clock
each tick was one second, and i would tap my fingertips together to count
reaching to the hundreds

running to catch a moving train,
id lose my train of thought
and start again

each tick, every second
is the amount of time to dot a page with the tip of a pen
to stipple it with ellipses
for a quiet read

one night, i counted the silence
the ticking between the words
i counted the periods, the commas
every pause that collected thoughts
and i wondered with my jumbled mind
on what the amount of time in a person's life is spent on thinking before speaking
pondering on what to say
til the last second

i think it comes with the fear of stumbling over your words
to get tongue-tied and garbled
the fear of embarrassment as you pick your sentences up from the floor
not knowing what to use in an appropriate manner
yet time ticks by, each second dotting the space
as you race for a response against
looking like a fool and looking like a fool
one with words unsaid and one with the wrong thing spoken

one night, i counted the seconds
i counted the dots when i would type a reply
the three dots of contemplation
and the conversation ends.

i have always been her
she has always been me
yet lately, she's been growing up
wrinkling her skin when she smiles
and i will always be a child

i have always been her
she has always been me
yet lately, she's been seeing wider horizons
opening her eyes to broad daylight
and i will always hide behind the moon

i have always been her
she has always been me
yet lately, she's been transforming
a metamorphosis, emerging into something new
and i will always be a caterpillar.

first love, loud evening
blaring lights,
she cries into a puddle on the floor
i help her up as she drips through my fingers
it's funny, i laugh until my cheeks hurt
she's sobbing into her palms
first love, a crying mess
lipstick smeared, chocolate cake stains on her teeth
when i sing, i can't help but think of her
how it would feel to hold her
more than a friend
but first love remains a first love
she goes home, a stumbling mess in the night
slurring her goodbyes as she drags her feet to the car
first love, goodbye and good night
stay as my first love, it's better that way
i'll meet someone like you soon.

i watched the ocean
a remnant of light burning my nape
as i decide to look towards the inky sea
everything shrouded in darkness
yet still, i take it all in
feel the sand beneath my toes
smell the salt in the ocean breeze
and i shiver as frigid waters touch my skin

the waves
pull me in
like a warm embrace

they take me places ive never dreamed of
whispers in my ears

sloshing in my head
swishing in my head
my brain swimming in seawater
turning into seafoam.

a rifle fires a bullet into the night
its sonic boom shakes my bones
and rings in my ears
i watched it fly across the sky
its metal glinting like a shooting star
yet my eyes were too sluggish
unable to see where it might have hit
whatever it may have killed, lies in silence now
a corpse for me to find when i am older.

quiet school halls fill the scene
my sepia toned memories
of scorching days
in an everlasting summer
repeating, redundant
the same old dream every night.

the ice breaks from above me
as sunlight streams in
i feel its warmth
kissing the hairs against my arms
i would swim
to the top
to bang my fists against the frozen sheet
to pry each shard away
to pull myself out
but my blood hardens beneath the flesh
and i sink
watching the sky from the cold currents.

i dont recognise myself

i live life like staring into a mirror in the dark
cold glass against my finger tips
as i trace my silhouette
although, i'm not sure
if it's me

i dont recognise myself
this body is not mine
nor this face
nor brain

i dont know who i am.

im tired
of keeping myself on a short leash
and getting disappointed
when i think you would release me
when all you do is make it shorter.

im too old for teenage heartbreak, too young to die
im too old to make mistakes, and too young to cry
over things that seem bigger than me, over things i cant see
over things that dont make sense, over things i cant be.

perspective shifts in all directions
a blur, out of focus from the earth
as spring blossoms in my throat

bloodied petals dried by the sun's rage
would it be my fault if i shielded my eyes?
away from his piercing glare
burning as he rises

ripping vines out of my mouth
tearing through my field of vision
until i close my eyes
and fade to black.

i killed myself
with an axe to the head
in a dreary dawn's forest

i try to light a cigarette
with an empty lighter
while i watch the sun rise

i give my dead body her own stick
and we let the paper burn
ash dribbling down our chins

my blood is sticky on my hands
and it's cold

i sit next to myself
in my pool of blood
watching the red
drain from my face

what do i do?
do i cry?
i feel numb
and my head feels so heavy
like it's splitting open

sobbing, weeping
weeping as i bury myself
six feet underground

planting me like a seed
that won't grow back.