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Nov 8 · 39
same old
lua Nov 8
quiet school halls fill the scene
my sepia toned memories
of scorching days
in an everlasting summer
repeating, redundant
the same old dream every night.
funny thing, all my dreams are set in school ever since the start of the pandemic
Nov 8
i let him in
lua Nov 8
death had soft hands
with veins snaking beneath
paper thin skin, touching my palms
     how could i forget?
      the warmth of his presence
        that demanded all attention
          for my gaze to fixate on him and him alone
            like the sun
              setting on the final day of summer
                 when all memories of youth
                    were merely bygone thoughts
                       in overexposed dreams
and he was beautiful
a smile of pearls
   a voice like honeysuckle and
     the gentle afternoon breeze
       like wind chimes blowing
         had i forgotten?
he breathes life into me
  as he takes it away
     and gladly
     i let him
     it would be a crime not to
he pressed his lips
against mine
   and with a sigh
      i let him in.
but he never truly loved me
  i would know
    i felt him slip away
      passing through me
        when i lean in
i weeped
          sobbing until i had nothing left to cry
            do i blame him? of course not
                  they never stay
                  never will
                  it's not my time yet.
Oct 25
just the fire
lua Oct 25
light me on fire
set me ablaze
i let you fan me till i grow big
and swallow forests whole
nobody blames the arsonist
just the fire.
Oct 11 · 79
from the cold currents
lua Oct 11
the ice breaks from above me
as sunlight streams in
i feel its warmth
kissing the hairs against my arms
i would swim
to the top
to bang my fists against the frozen sheet
to pry each shard away
to pull myself out
but my blood hardens beneath the flesh
and i sink
watching the sky from the cold currents.
Oct 11 · 477
clean air
lua Oct 11
the meadow watches me
eyes hidden in flower buds
while i run through the tall grass
chasing after a ghost
its blurry form shifting colours
like the sunset and sunrise
sweat drips
down my cheeks
maybe i'm crying
i can't tell, really
i just know that
my lungs breathe clean air
for the very first time.
Oct 1 · 278
lua Oct 1
i am a wavebreaker
i am a bloated body drifting in the ocean
i stop boats in their paths
for wealthy tourists to gawk
and ask me
where im from, where im headed, where ive been
but i only reply in silence
and bubbles that escape my lips

i am a wavebreaker
i cut through the waves like a blade to the neck
i rot and i burst
and i spread the remnants of myself across the world
to be remembered
to be known
to let them know of my remains
that i remain

i am a wavebreaker
i break the waves caused
by those wanting to wreck cities
i am what goes against the current
i am what stays when everything rushes past me

i am a wavebreaker.
Aug 2 · 73
i dream
lua Aug 2
i stumble in the dark
to lock the door
and stare at the darkness
staring at me

laying next to the ghost of the night before
wondering why its warm
feeling the indentation of her shape

when i sob softly into my pillow
i dream of nothingness
only school hallways
in dead silence

i'd rather be awake
but i'd rather be asleep when i am

there are no thoughts
that race through my head
nothing that lingers

how can i see haziness in the dark?
i see with my fingertips

i wish
i hope
i want
i dream
Jul 26 · 289
lua Jul 26
the buzz of cicadas in the edge of july

incessant, annoying
buzz of sunlight against my skin
prickles my cells
bleaching my hair

the world does not sway
there is no breeze, no gentle winds
just the shadows of leaves
and circle lights on the grass

dipping into the heat
dipping into the light
into the buzz of summer's noise

i hope it doesn't drive me crazy
i hope i don't sunburn.
Jul 23 · 51
mirror in the dark
lua Jul 23
i dont recognise myself

i live life like staring into a mirror in the dark
cold glass against my finger tips
as i trace my silhouette
although, i'm not sure
if it's me

i dont recognise myself
this body is not mine
nor this face
nor brain

i dont know who i am.
Jul 21 · 303
tell me
lua Jul 21
can you tell me what you feel?
what the sparks of lightning in your head tells you

can you answer me with a clear voice?
my head is underwater
my ears fill with warmth

ill never tell you things you wouldn't like to hear
ill never tell you things that make you feel like ****
ill never tell you things that leave you thinking about what it really means

can you tell me when you're tired and disinterested?
im tired of waiting for a response from a wall
and feeling like my veins are on fire.
Jul 3 · 1.7k
do you dream of me?
lua Jul 3
do you dream of me
in the night
when the moon peeks its head out from its haze?

do you dream of me
the way i dream of silent chills
in cloudy summer days?

do you dream of me
in morning light
or evening blaze?

do you dream of me
the way i dream of your tender embrace?
or the way i dream of you
and your quiet mistakes
and all of the heart ache?

do you dream of me?
Jun 7 · 535
the god and the human
lua Jun 7
i am a god that created the human
i am the human that the god created
but the god wants to be human
and the human wants to be the god
and it's a back and forth
the discontent
the want for more, for land and riches
for wealth larger than seas
and the need for simplicity,
to be held and to be loved.
May 28 · 238
short leash
lua May 28
im tired
of keeping myself on a short leash
and getting disappointed
when i think you would release me
when all you do is make it shorter.
May 22 · 430
the right
lua May 22
the power of a broken heart
fills my cup
and my fingers tremble
and shake when i lift the tear stained glass
i want to be alone
drunk on my sorrows
finally having the right to do so
after so long
of hiding in plain sight.
May 16 · 189
lua May 16
my eyes hurt
tears feel like shards of glass
cutting me when i blink them away

my heart hurts
like my blood is on fire
burning my veins and arteries
with every beat

my mind hurts
pulsating, swollen in pain
writhing in its cage of bone
as if it wants to crack through
for a breath of fresh air.
May 14 · 920
too old, too young
lua May 14
im too old for teenage heartbreak, too young to die
im too old to make mistakes, and too young to cry
over things that seem bigger than me, over things i cant see
over things that dont make sense, over things i cant be.
Apr 13 · 854
shallow waters
lua Apr 13
breathe in
the ice cold waters fill my chest
as delicate strings strum in my head

"careful, you'll crack your head open"

careless, my thoughts come pouring out

jump in
unwind and relax
droplets ebb and flow
with a mind of its own

reach out
extend a helping hand
these shallow waters
soak my shoes

unstrained and wet with tears
living in a daydream
has never felt this real.
Apr 12 · 574
lua Apr 12
a ringing in my ears
as water fills them
like a kiss from a gentle ghost

parting between my skin
hazing through like gentle winds
passing by without a sound

soft and delicate
like a petal's touch
against my lips

a final goodbye.
Mar 31 · 767
lua Mar 31
time slips from my fingers
when i count each passing day
that passes by like passerbys
on a busy street
walking past me, my disillusioned form
an escaped daydream from a chronic sleepwalker
a recurring thought

the clinking of atoms like drinking glasses
the passage of space
things don't make sense nowadays
never really did

i'm just a ghost with no body to call home
translucent and vague
people watching forever
forever a thought bubble in a lonely man's world.
Mar 6 · 964
free oxygen
lua Mar 6
skin made of fire
organs made of flame
each strand of hair a wisp of smoke

living in a forest
one touch can blow it all away
but there's nothing like
free oxygen.
Feb 14 · 935
see you soon
lua Feb 14
i can feel his words
like water
on my skin
dripping between my fingers

i feel them sway
and ripple when i touch
yet pouring into my bloodstream
my soul

he's thunderous
zapping me with emotions
i never knew the names of

his movements are a breath of fresh air
carrying whispers in the breeze

and yet he packs his things
and leaves with the seasons.
Jan 30 · 884
death of spring
lua Jan 30
perspective shifts in all directions
a blur, out of focus from the earth
as spring blossoms in my throat

bloodied petals dried by the sun's rage
would it be my fault if i shielded my eyes?
away from his piercing glare
burning as he rises

ripping vines out of my mouth
tearing through my field of vision
until i close my eyes
and fade to black.
Jan 27 · 436
what once was
lua Jan 27
what once was
warm and close
like a kind flame dancing in the night
the heat of warm hands and
sunlight kissing the trees
now brews contempt
in murky waters
stirring, sloshing with the sliminess of greed.
Jan 20 · 376
Pride and Prejudice
lua Jan 20
There's a feeling stronger than to loathe
Especially when your hand is intertwined with his
And he gazes upon the pearls in your hair
Your high brow, your blank stare
And maybe even the cut of your dress,
The lace it holds, the earring that sways as you dance
You know it, the way he looks at you
And if you will deny it, simply keep in mind
How he lets his fingers linger onto yours,
And despite the sharpness of your snark and wit
Maybe you'll catch yourself looking
His high brow, his blank stare
His eyes like pools of honey
And you'll know, there is a feeling stronger than to loathe.
a poem i made in 2019 that i found in my notes hehe
Jan 15 · 69
i killed myself
lua Jan 15
i killed myself
with an axe to the head
in a dreary dawn's forest

i try to light a cigarette
with an empty lighter
while i watch the sun rise

i give my dead body her own stick
and we let the paper burn
ash dribbling down our chins

my blood is sticky on my hands
and it's cold

i sit next to myself
in my pool of blood
watching the red
drain from my face

what do i do?
do i cry?
i feel numb
and my head feels so heavy
like it's splitting open

sobbing, weeping
weeping as i bury myself
six feet underground

planting me like a seed
that won't grow back.
Jan 10 · 428
lua Jan 10
i always yearn for the things i can't reach
yearning for the sweetness of control
the satisfaction of having everything
and anything

but i always find myself in tears
Jan 3 · 1.1k
playing cards
lua Jan 3
my heart's not in it anymore
this tired deck of cards
with bends and tears at the corners
my fingerprints stained across the backs

i've had my fun with you
and you've stayed by my side
but my fingers are numb

i think it's time to say goodbye.
Jan 2 · 702
teenage romance
lua Jan 2
i've picked apart myself
the pieces that make sense
looking through a rose-tinted lense
of being content

i'll walk behind them
my friends who dance
along the lines of more than friends
and i'll clap and smile

i'll keep tabs on them
their pinkies intertwined
awkward and flushed, i laugh at their faces
as i feel a pang in my chest

these glasses are broken
maybe, i ask myself
i don't need it, i say
but i know inside that
i will always wonder what it's like

i'm at the end of the bridge
steps slow and quiet
to not make a sound
i give them privacy
as they share a kiss
tender and discreet

discreetly, i sigh
i'm at the bridge's end and they've walked past me
but i lean against the railing and think
"when will i?"
i remember entering highschool with a vague idea about teenage romance, and how much i never really understood what that meant. but as i grew older and progressed further into highschool hell, watching friends of mine grow closer to something more than friends, i began to understand little by little just from observations. i became some sort of a wingman figure, the person they went to for some much needed advice even though i never experienced anything of the sort, all while feeling a weird type of pain in my chest whenever they did. it was only until a classmate of mine told me how confused and shocked they were when i told them i've never been in a relationship before that i realised the pang in my chest was jealousy. now i'm nearly 18, nearing the end of my teenage years with no experience in my belt writing about love and romance without knowing what i'm actually writing. i know i'm still young and i still have much ahead of me, but it's still something that i think about alot.

here's to all the thirdwheels <3 cheers and happy new year!
Dec 2021 · 108
lua Dec 2021
when death arrives
it will feel like
a gentle forest breeze
that carries whispers of ghosts in its palms

it will feel like
the earth shaking, ever so slightly
just enough to rattle you awake

death knocks on your door
like a freezing child in the wintertime
and asks for a sliver of stale bread

it will look like the reflection in the water
that disappears when you touch it
rippling into the surface

but it's a warm embrace of soil
the shower of ash into the sea
it's a mother's gentle kiss goodbye
and yet the harsh crack of wine bottles against your head

soon, death will offer you blood and nectar in two hands
but it's not a choice that you can make.
Dec 2021 · 59
out of focus
lua Dec 2021
eyes out of focus
listening to the world through a filter
all i feel is grey fog
and the strumming of acoustic guitar

in and out of sleep
missed calls pile high
blinking back nonexistant tears
as i curl up in bed

there's a weight in my stomach
not heavy enough to keep me down
but it's covered in spikes and hooks
and rolls around

who is that in my mirror?
i never knew i looked like that
or maybe i don't
and i'm just looking at someone who doesn't exist.
Dec 2021 · 263
lua Dec 2021
my dreams laugh at me
with fingers pointed
a dunce hat on my head when i look up
so i laugh along
laughing louder than the crowd
until there is no sound left
but my own.
Dec 2021 · 530
lua Dec 2021
hey brain, take this brush
and paint by yourself
these hands of mine are rough and calloused
unable to lift and bend my cracking joints
paint your thoughts by yourself
because my arms are limp and weak
and shatter when touched

i've always wondered why you never thought of leaving
voluntarily staying in my withering home
so kindly and destructive
when you paint on my walls
forgetting that lead settles in the pigments
in the lines that drip from excess

though each stroke pains me the longer you create
i'll always compliment you
with a voice tone-deaf and ugly
thankfully, i feel pretty when you do
i feel pretty when i become your muse
and feel a little less incomplete.
lua Dec 2021
who do you reach
my ink-on-paper pal?
in this ink-on-paper world on the brink of tearing

if i had known better, i'd've paid more attention to english class
and leap
from my tower of arrogance
step off this ****** horse
because where's the fun in being smart when everyone believes otherwise?

am i just another burnt out prodigy? maybe
but i was never considered a star in the first place
too small to be a planet, dull to be a star
and yet my skin is torched
flaking with charred ends

i'm not talented, nor skilled
jack of all trades, master of none
and yet i spout my lies like spiderweb
to feel like a predator amongst the ants.
Nov 2021 · 1.1k
looking for the sun
lua Nov 2021
whispers of green that linger in the air
wafting through the grey morning breeze
the sun is shy today, i think to myself
while i hide behind my own wall of clouds

the water is cold and seemingly bottomless
when i dip my toes in the murky black
i watch it ripple
and fogs of blue leak from my lips

jump in
the tide is waist-high
and sends shivers spiraling down your spine
wash away the tearstains of night
and you'll find yourself
looking for the sun.
Nov 2021 · 1.5k
lua Nov 2021
light brown, tanned skin
sun-bleached tips and cracked lips
rough flesh touching flesh
the boy who calls himself the sun is rugged, messy
and handsome
pearly white, dimples in his cheeks
missing a tooth, he grins at me
so bright, i can barely stand him
but something tells me that whatever happens
he'll be there.
Nov 2021 · 85
when was that?
lua Nov 2021
im reminiscing over memories that don't exist
figments of my imagination
vague shards of everything i want to be
that insert themselves into my thoughts
making me think, making me wonder
"when was that?"
Oct 2021 · 715
lua Oct 2021
ive seen you puke your soul out
in school bathrooms

ive seen you fade in and out
your fingertips flickering
in transparency

ive held you in my palms
skin cold, prickly with ice
you wrapped your arms around my waist
but i couldnt feel you

maybe youre a ghost
a ghost that seems to follow me around
a lost ghost with nowhere to go
and yet you seem to find me everywhere

maybe youre a shadow
too scared of the sun
hiding behind me for protection

maybe youre a one-off thought
the remnants of late night brainstorms
that thundered and raged on in my sleep-deprived mind

how come you never show your face anymore?
Oct 2021 · 216
lua Oct 2021
before i knew it
the pink shatters
the filter of gold disappears
her curves, bittersweet and angular
unlike what i thought before
her soft voice
now sickly
coarse with demand
how come
i never noticed it before?
must have been
the tears blocking my vision

i think he's noticed it too

Sep 2021 · 406
lua Sep 2021
there is no echo
when i scream into the void
only a linger in the air
the tension of letting go
the snap
of release
of freedom at last
and when i peer beyond the steep cliffside
the void will listen
when i cant hear myself.
Sep 2021 · 171
zone out
lua Sep 2021
i zone out
when i find myself
falling in a rabbit hole
mid-comment scroll
to think of nothing
and everything
to think of where i am
where im headed
and where ill stop
to think of who i was
who i am
who im being
and who ill become
to think of why i do the things i do
what my purpose is
what it is to be in love with myself
like how all the other girls seem to be.
Sep 2021 · 1.3k
good morning
lua Sep 2021
wind chimes in early morning breeze
the sizzle of shadows
from the blazing sun
kisses my skin
all sticky from sweat and heat
i twitch
the whites of my eyes are painted with tears
take a step
and jump
plunge myself into the blue
and bathe in the grey afternoon clouds
til i wait
for the sunset.
Sep 2021 · 553
the last day of summer
lua Sep 2021
are you the last day of summer?
the final whisper of the sun
i'll let you go
and see you again
but for now
let me cry
and hold you tight.
Aug 2021 · 621
lua Aug 2021
i ripple
with each touch
from your fingertips
in constant motions
that glide
hover against my skin
i tremble before you
goosebumps litter my flesh
and yet you say
you're not a god
but your eyes tell me otherwise
each pupil holds the sun and the moon
in warm pools
and with each flutter from your downcast lashes
paints my waters in glints of gold.
bulantubig is the 17th century classical tagalog word for yellow, and it literally translates to moonwater (bulan = moon, tubig = water).
Aug 2021 · 1.2k
lua Aug 2021
my heart hurts
it squeezes
and bursts in my chest
as i cough up petals
she talks to me in flowers
and the sweetest of curves
but not about me
not about me at all
not me and her
and im left to yearn
yet to smile for her
bring the balloons
answer her questions
and watch them together
this is how it always ends
and ill never tell her
how often i explode for her
i never will
Aug 2021 · 441
lua Aug 2021
i cast no shadow
beneath the white sun
amidst the sea of swaying green
and my skin is see through
and passes through
the blades of grass
like a projection
a hallucination
in no one's head
am i
there is no colour on these sickly bones
but i feel the warmth of red
seeping through my transparent mind
am i
i feel like a ghost
with no grave
a ghost that has not died
just yet
a ghost
trying to look for
for anything
for everything
while having
no eyes.
Jul 2021 · 859
i dont understand
lua Jul 2021
no one really understands
but i get it
i dont understand either
why this ghost in my body
why this ghost in my body writhes
and tosses
and turns
and makes me sob and weep
shrill and high
yet silently, unobserved
i dont really get it either
why this ghost in my body falls in love with everyone it meets
and makes me green with envy
and a chilling blue of loneliness
that makes it hard to see anything
other than red
and rose
no one really understands
but thats okay
i dont understand either.
Jul 2021 · 170
lua Jul 2021
it's hate
that burns
the flicker of a candle's flame
bleeding into a bonfire
that swells
into a beast
so large
it swallows cities whole.
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