I thought of you again last night.
Dooming myself to repeat the mistake
of revising the memory of a muted light,
our quickened breaths, our hearts on fire.
I visioned a fantasy of you last night,
where my house is empty and silent,
and the heat tells the truth of what I really want to do,
taste the lips that once belonged to me so violent.
I hated you again last night
for how you make me so vulnerable to miss
a body to hold next to me in bed
the countless times you gave me bliss.
The times when the aching of my heart only meant
I had too much love to share,
and not the selfish need of wanting to feed,
to lust and touch and cast away cares.
I thought of how late in the night
our new year's day dance is not all I want back,
I want the comfort of your smile as you so confidently say
you love me like you did on a now distant day.
But I thought of you again last night
in the only way I know how to,
shedding the meaning of my lonely pain
for a momentary passionate touch of you.
I thought of you again last night
and promised myself this time was the last,
for I cannot spend the night longing for a kiss
I know I will never get back.
I know if we met again
and by chance, alone at your door,
we happened to kiss even passionately,
it wouldn't be the same as before.
I know the masks of stubborn pride
and the fake replica of it all
if we tried to recreate whatever connection
there might have been before.
If we tried to meet without quivering lips
and hurt memories running through our eyes,
then by chance, we could have one last dance
but for now it's all a lie
I know I won't be meeting you again,
there will be no knock on your door,
outside my dreams the passion is gone,
there is no hope for us anymore.
Outside my dreams it won't ever be the same
they come in the night
whispering, crackling voices
in my mind
hissing, cracking through the surface
when out are the lights
they come in shapes and sizes
and voodoo dance before my eyes
in my mind.
they come in the night.
night mind depression thought thoughts sadness misery depressed sad poem
i know you think
flaws do not apply to you
when you disentangled our strings
and pretended i was a stranger
but it's the other way round
for you are the stranger i barely recognise
resembling little of what i know,
of what i used to see.
thanks for reminding me
how messed up i am.
but at least i'm not a fake
and warp myself for other's sake.
see, i'd rather be myself and alone
than wear a mask and have millions.
i just thought
you were better
I want to find the words
to explain to you
how incomplete my heart feels
without the strings bounding yours to it
but how can I say anything
when I've realised I've lost something
I thought I knew,
even after all the time spent with them.
They're just another memory
made to be laid to rest and fade away.
It's hard to know I find myself not able
to say anything
to someone who I don't recognise,
someone who's now become a stranger to me
Some times when I cannot sleep at night,
I imagine all the people of the world and
Wonder how they came to be.
You and I are on the same planet,
Spinning ever so closer to our deminse
And some times I wonder
How that came to be.
When the brain that is in my head
will not stop thinking,
I wonder existentially
About how things came to be.
Then I become very concious of the things
That never came to be, or in fact, cease to be.
The ones that lie in their graves
So cold and old and only bones.
And then I remember that one day,
That will be you and me.
Sometimes I yearn to run from you
to be swept away
until the day
my world changes
from grey sky
to milky white and blue
somewhere where the rain
doesnt bury me beneath a sea
of my own tears
it holds me captive in fear
in its black mouth
while frantically I look for an exit
but there is none
not one I can see
at least not at the beginning
the dark is long in length
yet though I feel like death
I do not die
Somehow I find the strength
hidden deep inside of me
the secret to living
to conjure the light within
feel the well of hope swell
in that sliver of will
see tomorrow as a quill
and rewrite sorrow into joy
paint the future bright
I deserve to be happy
To be free to fly
even if it takes time
I will mend
All will be well with my soul
in the end
I'll be who
I was always meant to be
burn like a wildfire
Writing about my depression and anxiety helps me in my overcoming of it. Im in recovery and one day soon I know ill be completely free; happy.