Whilst wounded
I've no anger
In this heart

Toward you

Down on bended knee
Relentlessly praying
Yet
Selective amnesia eludes

A moment please

To Accept

What

I am Letting Go

You won't be
Forgiven
For the lies
Your fingertips
Left

Anger
Sit on my
Fingers tips
Waiting
To touch you

I am haunted
by
things
that
do not
haunt
me

And soulmate instead
Leave
A stale state
On my tongue

You
This time
Was different
But the
Leaving
The same

Where once
   Your fingertips
       Trailed
   Only essence
      Of nothingness

Remain

One sided affliction where
Once presumption of
Soulmate resided

Torments

You've
taken
things
from
me
not
meant
to
be
taken.

How softly kindness touches in the aftermath of a hardship

This time
Is different
I tell myself
Every single time

How merciful of memory
softening edges
bluring lines
with time

You
Are not
A man
Not god
Coward
Liar
Remembered

We built jumping castles on top of sand castles
And called it art
Unique
Beautiful
Then you ripped it apart
And I don't know how to turn that into poetry
That lasts

every night i ask of grace
when i stand alone my demons to face
to keep me safe from harm
please work your magical charm
so that safely ill wake
the new dawn to take
some nights for my life i fear
please lord, please just stay here
please just until i fall asleep
later i'll wake, promises to keep

I walked today in the place of the dead
we all mortal will oneday rest our head
No tear rolls down my cheek
I feel not much at all so I wiggle my feet
uncomforatble still, I stare at the grass
where all the living and dying at some point pass
Youve made your peace five years prior miss
you really dont need to be going through this
letting go is the harder part
Im ok and walk away with peace in my heart

My tender lips do shout out loud
My fingertips are more than proud

to hold you close and feel you near
loneliness a while do fear

Peaceful bliss in your coming
A little while without longing

I have drowned in your sweet embrace
Lost in the smile on your sweet face

Tonight I have my own demons to face
As he stands; asks mercy of grace
Would he repent?
Where would he be sent?
Would he have forgiven me?
If this all he could see?
Would he have love for me?
If he saw all that I do be
Am i not just like him,
Do I not commit the very same sins
Flesh of my flesh
With which I am blessed
Soul of my Soul
Maybe now he'll be whole

It's one of those days where I need to remember to be kind to myself
When my breath is hardly enough to give life to an elf
One of those days where I struggle to get out of bed
I cant get anything to sit right in my head
Simply for eating something, I pat myself on the back
I have to keep reminding myself not all my thoughts are fact
John Michael stipe says not to take pictures of the bad days
To hide them away and leave it where it lays
But I take the pictures, and keep them on a shelf
To remind myself how to pick me up again when I fell
I send the bad me good thoughts on postcards
To tell myself that some days are just hard
The bad me is cold, careless and not at all nice
She likes to indulge in every frowned upon vice
Yet I accept the bad me just as I do the good
Tomorrow might be a better day and the good me will win in all likelyhood

There is a bitter line
That runs through the generations
Of women in my family

This bitter line runs across their faces
From one cheekbone to the other
Where their smiles used to be

From years of knock downs and
knock outs
Of life winning
And love losing

Strong women, With beautiful features
Hard battles fought,  won,  lost
Reduced to a bitter line

My line stays and dissipates
I pray my bitter line this time won't stay long
Because of you

You throw excuses around
Like confetti
Your angry words
Shred my tender heart
Your temper and your silence
Tears me apart
Through out your violent
Song and dance
All you could've said
Was you wanted out
And I would've understood
That you are just a boy
Who no longer wants
to be
With me

Slow dancing in my satin slip
To John Lee ****** songs
By candle light and slow rising steam
From the nearby tub
Tipsy from the red wine
In a good glass dangling from my hand
the thoughts of you swirling
Through my already hazy mind
Your gaze caressing
My slow moving limbs
Igniting me from the inside upwards
Anticipation thrills

You made me feel tonight

You don't like her name in my mouth
And I don't like
How you love her for real
And fake it with me
Maybe that makes us even
In the end

Can I tell you a secret only
Karma and I know

She can keep you

Its all there
In the Jack for breakfast
& the too little sleep
In the too quiet laugh
& the secrets I keep

Trust me its there
In the music loud & hard
& the black devils I don't smoke
In the too much of everything
& the nothing in my throat

Its there where there's no quiet
In the chaos of the storm
where stories are being told
the magic; the fire; the mirror
Its all there to behold

ek kyk vir die girl in die spieel en wonder of sy weet
*** hard ek probeer om haar te help vergeet
ek se vir haar ek hou van *** sy lag
en *** hoog sy mense wat dit nie verdien nie, ag
sy sug en trek haar skouers op en af
"die lewe is te kort om almal te straf"
se sy terwyl stadig wegkyk
en nog n stukkie van haarself weg smyt
ek fluister sag "as jy so aanhou gaan daar niks oor wees"
antwoord sy " ons is niks meer as vlees en gees
wanneer more kom, beteken vandag nie veel
als verander en tog niks want die son bly geel"
nikseegende donker oe kyk terug na my
ek is bevrees die girl gaan leeg bly

ek is deurskykend, transparant, deurmekaar
opsoek na my vrede, my mensweesm my wees
ek voel so secondhand, so op gebruik, so klaar
bid vir verlossing, a trade in vir n nuwe vlees, nuwe gees, beter wees
my oe hoop op vol trane on gehuil
ek slaan lelike kolle uit in my sogenoemde persoonlikheid
maar dis alles ek, ek wat my vervuil
ek wat my eenkant hou, ek wat my uit smyt
ek wat ja se al wil als binne my nee skree
ek wat bly staan terwyl ek moes weg hardloop
ek wat myself wou uitvee
ek wat myself vir cheap thrills verkoop
maar hirdie ek is te oud om te kniel
hierdie ek word te oud om te glo
so ek staan waar ek staan en verniel
en ek bly staan sonder n tree en verloor
kyk dis ek wat hier staan, te sad om te bid
te seer om te huil, versteen deur my toedoen
daar is geen hande vat en aansit
maar ek dra dit met n smile want dis my skoen

I enjoy distance
Long drives with no destination
Music blaring,  miles growing

I enjoy distance
Long walks to nowhere
The peace calms my restless soul

I enjoy distance
Little steps each day
Away from difficult situations

I enjoy distance
Between people and places
And me

I enjoy distance
It gives perspective
Emancipation

I enjoy distance
I also enjoy coming home
When distance has run its course

dit reen altyd iewers in kaapstad
en altyd iewers in my hart
branders golf diep binne my
nes jy is hulle altyd vry
jy weet ek haat jou nog partykeer
net so tussen die branders se golf en kom weer
hou my vas en ek sit waar ek sit en jy weet
van die dinge wat ek nie kan vergeet
so hier sit ek en sug
en onthou van die diep merk op my gewrig
en weet van die rede
hoekom ek hier sit en maak vrede
met myself en met jou
wat my nie meer vashou

There is no "us" i wanted to scream
Its all just a pretty see through dream
We fought heaven with lust
Too broken, too burnt to trust
You wont let me in, I wont let you out
We swin in this sea of doubt
Back and forth we go
All of it just for show
Not brave enough to stay
Too shallow to walk away
Back and forth, back and forth
Until it all has lost its worth

10 months ago I lost my life partner.
Lost is a funny word to use I guess
He left,  I didn't lose him but I chose him
Funny thing is I missed my life,  when he left
But not him

5 Months ago I thought I met my soulmate
He didnt
Losing this boy felt nothing like that
He took my heart and I had no say
I did not get to choose

Having to restart my life was hard
This,  having to live my new life
Now empty of all I lost
This is something else.
This feels nothing like that

This is the difference between heartbreak and just goodbye

I wear all my labels with pride.
I am some terrible things, but even from them I don't hide.
I am selfish though I try to be kind.
I am a firm believer of speaking my mind.
I believe to live and let live. I always accept much less than I give.
I abide by my own twisted moral code.
Its ok for me to do what I like as long as you've been told
Of the monster I can be Then I am free
of the burden of guilt coz you've been warned.
That at some point on our path you will be burned.
I'm not proud of some of these things.
But I also carry my consequences as part of my being.
So yes, I am an ***, I can admit.
Why you ask do my friends put up with it?

I'm always so much fun,
still up partying with the sun.
Always laughing, always a good time.
Never selfish with what's mine.
I can hold my whiskey next to any man and more.
Most likely drink him under the floor.
My word is yes. which became a problem.
I'm only ever the fun girl to them.
I don't get the romantic fairy tale.
The happily ever after with storms and hail.
I always go home alone. I am weary to the bone.
Of this fun girl act
but she has all the things I lack.
I've come to despise this fun label.
As it leaves an empty seat next to me at the table.

Can't they see the beautiful me inside?
I paint, write ****** poetry and some days I cry.
I took a decorating course and one to cook.
Its all there if you take a deeper look.
I love music with soul
and burn candles and intense to help me feel whole.
Some nights I don't sleep.
and my 3 cats are the only company I keep.
My dad died and my ex was an addict.
My life hasn't been very easy or fantastic.
But they don't care about any of those things.
They only want the fun I bring.
I'm tired and drained from all of this.
But I won't pack her away,  imagine all the fun I'd miss

I carried the sun on my back to light your day
The moon at night to guide your way
I wrote you special poems
But all who listened were the garden knomes
For you were too busy to see
Too busy to notice me
You did what you wanted to
I could no longer follow you

And now
There is no trace of you here

No longing
Knowing you are near

And sitting crossed legged here
in the middle of the sideline
in the aftermath
of the war keeps me still
this silent fight
being fought on opposite ends
of the battle lines
wears me to the core
leaves me defeated
weather worn and sore
our casualties worse for wear
while we dance around what was
this pressure cooker silence
needs to linger a little longer
the silence is deafening, defeating
it is making me strong.
Your white flag changes
Everything
Nothing

And while I held the door shut
You jumped through the window
Bringing your devil magic lust
Disguised as love
Plying the whims
Of a willing participant
With your rainbow coloured dreams
And alluring nightmares
Of how our ghosts
Could get along
And your monsters
Protect us
When really what I needed
Protection from
Was your lust disguised
And colourless dreams
Your empty words still
Echo
Through these hallways
Of my mind
Out all the way through
Down the hallway
To an empty kitchen
Where we cooked breakfast
And ate dinner
And laughed.
once

I stand in front of
The closed door
I have been here before

I have been cold on your floor
I have been lied to
Deceived
Stolen from

My world turned
Upside down
On the premise
Of your promises
Your lies

I am angry
I stand breathing fire
Hands balled into fists
I am ready to colour
This fight into a war

But you are a coward
You run and hide
You do not fight
You do not defend

You are coward
A poor skilled shooter
Useless to the end.
You are nothing

Nothing I want to
Paint with my anger
And regret
If only you were worthy

its late and i'm restless
i couldn't care less
i plunder though my days
as you drive me slowly insane

I fell in love with a pretty blue eyed boy
He had pretty words and pretty eyes
He saw right through  my disguise
I fell in love with this boy
Who said I was his soulmate and his safe place
But he belonged to another and it was a disgrace
So I fell in love with this little boy
Against my better judgement,  I knew I shouldnt
I tried to stop my silly heart from falling but I couldnt
I fell maddeningly hopelessly in love with a boy
I was happy and it was perfect for a little while
But he left as silently as he came and stole my smile
Still I fell for this silly boy
I fell for his empty words and pretty lies
The discovery that he didn't share the emotions came as a surprise
I stupidly fell in love with a boy
A boy who lied and pretended and never really cared
For all his intentions all he left was despair

It's not here anymore
Your cigarette butts
When I empty my Ashtray
Your half empty bottle of ***
When I open my cupboard
Your toothbrush where you
Left it in my bathroom

It's not here anymore
Your expensive cologne that clings
To everything you come in contact with
Your phone charger
Next to my bed
Your side of the bed
The second glass
The second plate

It's not here anymore
Your voice
Your name on my phone
Your favourite movies in my collection

No trace left

And yet

Your cologne sticks to the inside
Of my walls
Your food to the inside
Of my mouth
Your words
The inside of my head

I wish you would just
Leave

My list of goodbyes for this year
Have been extensive and excruciating

I've lost more than I've gained

Every goodbye was difficult
Tearing at the hem of my humanity
My sanity

I've lost more than I've gained

I feel so much older and harder
Yet none the wiser
Just More broken

I feel I like I've lost

Every goodbye is etched into the crevice
Of my ever in creasing in stone hardening heart

And yet it weeps
for what it refuses to let go

Ive lost

I want to wake up on my tummy with the sunrise
and your kisses down my back
I want the memory to replace the one
where his leaving implied I lacked
I want your fingers trailing through my senses
erasing his fingers off my skin
I need you to be relentless lover,
whatever your name,
you are here to build Mexico city on top of atlantis
and I can't afford for you to fail
I need you to be so very brave,
to evade our monsters to be lust's slave
I'm sure you're eyes are green
but all I see is piercing blue,
and while you kiss me I feel his lips on me too
lover you are losing this battle
between my heart and my head
I'll be sending you along soon
so I can be restless alone in my empty bed

his eyes were smaller than i recall
though still the colour of the first autum leaf's fall
being neither really brown, green or grey
perhaps if you could colour the word distant or frey
it was noted how he remembered more good than bad, than i
every conflicted night, smallest arguement and really hard fight,
etched into my mind's eye
its harder to hate than to love, and im tired of the fruitless fight
cant love any longer from here, and ive really no right
my essence is empty, my heart still bleeding on his icy floor
in a maze, in a haze, in a daze frantically i search for an exit door

These will not be pretty poems
I have run out of ways
To paint this catastrophe
In any way other than what it is
All I have left is what is left
And none of that is pretty

Sitting in a smokey cafe
On a rainy Friday night
Next to a beautiful man
With a lazy smile

His hand reaching out for me
No answers lie behind his brown eyes
His touch does not tingle
The way you left goosebumps on my flesh

Beautiful brown eyes and a lazy smile
I smile back and swirl my whiskey
I don't believe a word he speaks
All I remember is your lies

I wonder as I look away
How terribly this has ruined me
When neither beautiful man nor whiskey
Does much to warm me

I wonder how long
It will take me
To regain the things I let you
Take from me

Even if I let him take me home
His touch will not fix what you broke
But maybe it will soothe me
Maybe another night,  
another beautiful man
Maybe another whiskey

I read letters you never wrote
folded and unfolded
hidden in the empty space
of your leaving coat
I take a drag of my last cigarette
and take a sip from our glass
of old regrets
I listen to sad songs
that mean nothing
and pray for the peace
I know should come
but nothing seems to bring
I unpack empty suitcases
filled with all the things
your leaving told I lacked
I sleep with ghosts
your monsters  
my regrets
and our memories
but what we really need
is just to let it be
I wish I could say
you could hold on
to the old promises
but the truth is simply this
this nothing
that resides
where your lies used to hide
this is all that remains
of what used to sustain

Love knocks on my door
And I invite him in
Because I like how he smells
But now that he's here
I don't know what to feed it
Love has never been here before

I wonder
What you saw when you looked at me

Drinking with the devil's thirst
Smoking the cowboys dirt
Laughing much too loud
Walking round the next day in my ex's stolen underwear
Bloodshot eyes and ready for another round

I was chaos and storms
I was weather worn
But inside I was holding me together
With the too loud music and too much fake smiles
I was something too behold

I wonder what you saw
When you looked at me

I was told you like to fix things
And to you I'd be the ultimate challenge with all my broken dreams
I told you to leave well enough alone
That I'm putting myself back together on my own
You heeded my warnings not

You looked at me as though I was all you saw
And into my heart and life you clawed
You spoke to me through my favourite songs
Made me feel like to you alone I belonged
You said you never felt this way and that I was your safe place

I wonder now
When I look at you

How hard it must've been
For you to pretend you're all in
How you must've hated every moment we touched
Though how well you did fake lust
I shudder to recall

How difficult for you to fake those looks
All your tricks,  you said you learned from books
Your romantic ramblings must've been so tiring
You made me feel like I was dying
How hard was it for you,  I wonder

You faked it all so convincingly
Everyone believed it,  even me
I thought I met my other half
While you thought you were smart
I hope someday I'll find it funny

For all your great intentions you forgot
About what happens at the end,   we both lost
You lost a friend,  I a lover
You quickly went back to your other
And I am back at the start

So your pretty words didn't fix me like you hoped
I was doing fine,  I would've coped
Just fine without your interference
Your intentions were careless
You broke another piece off me

If I spoke to you now
I wonder what you'd say
Would you have found your longed for happiness
Forever and a day
Or would you still be melancholy
With your burning urge to flee

Perhaps you have a number for me
To which I can place your call
Yesterday was a good day for me
But today I'm very small

I only want to talk a while
And find out how you are
I won't tell you about my trails
And how you fell so far
I won't ask why you jumped to freedom

I just want to say hi