i have had
a new friend
for awhile now

her name is Understanding
and we've become very close

today she told me
the it's time to enter
the inner sanctum

i am frightened
and humbled
and awe-filled

the very entrance to
the cathedral of Wisdom
is so daunting, the mystery
and fear of the unknown
almost overpowering
me, an internal
struggle of
of whether it
might just be much
safer to remain in the
life to which i'm so
accustomed than
risk it all by having
certain comfortable
illusions dispensed with

but, Understanding tells me
that enter the temple i must,
because loving her makes
that path inevitable

i am ready

ღ ღ ღ

i misunderstood the path to finding you
for so many years, my entire life, i thought
there were shortcuts to be taken, that i could
find you with either intellect or sheer force of will
i thought i could keep it from getting messy, that when
you finally arrived it would be by a path of all sunshine and
rainbows, that the relief at your arrival, the release of all
that waiting and wondering and almost despair at that
horrible thought that i might never, ever find you at
all would be a journey where i could bypass and
skip over feelings that were so essential in the
finding, feelings of the deepest sorrow &
feelings of the hottest anger, even rage &
feelings of frustration, all these feelings
that i had to face not just first, but as
a part of the path that led me into
your sweetest embrace, feelings
i'd kept hidden and suppressed
and hoping never to have to
face up to at all, not through
any sort of cowardice, but
because i thought being
angry at myself, at others,
maybe even at ***, were
wrong to feel in the first
place, and just too heavy
of a burden to bear, when
in truth, it was when i let
myself feel all of these, when
i stopped using to numb the emotions
that i thought were wrong, and, maybe,
yeah, too painful to feel, was when you
finally came into my life, and your name
was the last one i'd ever have thought i
was going to even find, but when i did
find you, i knew through all the wrong
turns and bad choices and wandering in
dark hopelessness, you were always the
answer, and the path to you was always
right in front of me, that i had to feel what
i had refused to before on my way to your door

ღ ღ ღ

my lover, surrender, you have set me free of
anxiety and fear of tomorrow, you have set me
free of trauma and pain of yesterday, you have
given me something i had lost so long ago,
you have given me back the simplest yet
the most precious gift any lover ever
could; you have given me today

ღ ღ ღ

you are my protection and light,
you are what has gotten me moving
forward, you are the surest guide
and the surest confidence, you
have shown me not just where
my truest path begins, but also
how to begin that journey, and
i know you, sweet surrender, are
the one lover who will truly
always be with me, til death
do us part; no matter what
else may happen in my life,
for good or for ill, you have
ensured that i will face these
things with a freedom i didn't
even know existed, and that the
importance in life isn't about things
or people or places, but about the spiritual
connection we either choose to have, or choose
not to have, and in the way we interact with all of
those, and i take this sacred vow to never close
myself off to you now that we are together,
and i'll continue to feel what i feel, and
feel it as fully as i'm able to feel and
without any apologies to anyone
again, because that's what it
really is to be human...
we can't bottle it all
up and still expect
to keep you,
and to anyone
reading this that
has known what it
is to feel the pink softness
of your kisses descending down
from some sort of heaven to settle
gently upon our foreheads each and
every single night, without a worry
in the world, they know this secret
as well, that you are the greatest of
friends and the greatest of lovers
and the true secret in freeing
one's soul, no matter what
manner of ******* it
was in before you
came along
and cut
every
last
chain

ღ ღ ღ

i used to,
when still
a child, when
i had a moment
of true joy, cling to
it, squeeze it, try and
hold onto it for dear life
because i had no confidence
that life holds endless moments
of joy ahead if you have the gratitude
and patience to recognize it when it comes
along your way. as i would hold so tightly,
squeezing, it was with some weird reverse
superman grip, wherein i would turn diamonds
into lumps of coal instead of vice versa. i was still
a child this morning, but now am an adult who knows
much better, but tomorrow i may be a child again, but
i have my own scribbles now today that i did not have
yesterday to remind me that holding onto happiness too
tightly, no matter how good my intentions, will doom
those moments to turn to disappointment, and even
resentment and bitterness, and instead as an adult
i shall treat a moment of joy as a gift passed on
from one person to me, a thing to be felt, and
then passed on to the next person; wouldn't
it be nice if happiness could be treated this
way with everyone, that the same seed
could be held and passed to every
soul on our planet? maybe that
is what peace would look like.

yes, i am an adult, but the
child lurks always just
beneath... and maybe
that's OK, maybe
whether child
or acting
the age
i am

maybe

maybe either way
is just who and where
i am meant to be

coming out
of my cocoon
i emerge with a
new understanding
that everyone, everywhere,
every. single. day. no matter how
obscufated, and hidden it may
be, feels loneliness and pain,
and that they think they're
so very alone in that sorrow,
not feeling like they fit in;
we're all in this together.

ღ ღ ღ

so, now, when i cry, i
do so with a strange, new
joy, knowing that in the
normal sorrows of life
i am always in the
very best of
company.

before it rises
it can feel so very cold
sun teaching patience