lovejunkie Feb 18
i have died
and been born
fresh to the world
but to a world that
now looks dangerous
and frightening

this new spot
i now call home
is my refuge now

i had to start in one room
(the bedroom) and once i felt
safe from harm there weeks on
i expanded to another room in
my house, then another, then
another, until my whole home
was encircled by an aura of
safety, which is so very
hard for me to feel

my circles keep growing,
concentrically, with my
home as my centre,
expanding to the
pharmacy, the doctor's
office, the grocery store,
the homes of my friends
and of my family

i would be much more
disturbed by all of this
but it's a ptsd thing,
i'm not a freak, many
other survivors of
traumatic stress
have this same
symptom to struggle
with so i'm not the only
one... i am not alone

and this has happened
in the past, many, many
times, whenever i have
gotten a new place to
live, and much like a
depressive episode
or a manic episode,
life has taught me
there is nothing i can
do to affect an outcome,
there is nothing i can do
more than i am to speed
this strange process up,
to fight the irrational yet
near-overpowering fear
and anxiety that my life
is in sure danger, so very
imminent that i could
somehow be killed
any instant

i know how crazy
that is, my mind knows
that there is no danger,
but my scarred and
wounded heart will
not listen to my mind,
not on this... with this
my heart has a mind
all of its very own

so i work at it, sometimes
at the pace of a snail, but
i work at it still, but it is
time that will fix things,
ultimately my own
struggle becomes
irrelevant as time
slowly makes the
world a safe place
to be a part of again

i long for that moment,
but it's not here, not yet,
so in this pain, loneliness,
psychological isolation
i take the lessons life
is presenting me,
even maybe a bit of
wisdom that will even
heal, and right now that
life lesson is learning to let
go of the things that are
beyond my control, even
if they are things that i do
or don't do, and above of,
the very great gift this
pain bestrows;
lovejunkie Dec 2017
And now it strikes
Like the first blizzard
After the last unexpected melt
From the last blizzard

I waited so long with only one
Single crystalline wish
For it finally to be over
But now that it is
I find myself with nothing
Apparent to look forward to
And long for the days
When I still missed you
Maybe freedom really is just another word for nothing left to lose.
lovejunkie Nov 2017
some people, after getting their hearts
broken, they stop beliving in something
very important, that love conquers all,
only love abides; they risk growing
jaded and bitter the further they
stray from this belief, trust me
dear reader, for i lived it myself.
but there is a secret that i learned
that love does conquer all, it is the
most powerful force in the entire
universe, it shatters the shackles
of all rules, and every law that
is not pure and good, it is more
powerful than all the armies, all
the governments that have ever
roamed this earth put together...
and the secret? the secret is that the
love must be reciprocal, for one loving
another without receiving it in kind, sadly
unrequited, that is only one half that by
itself is painful and fleeting, it kills
instead of bringing life, and it
will either end up dead, or
killing the one who lives
without it, but, ahhhhh
when two halves meet
in true love, equally
measured and weighted
and matched to the one thing
the when the halves meet they
will find one thing that no one
else ever has; each other, maybe
not a perfect match for another, but
a perfect match for the two of them,
and that is the love of all-power, the
most irreducible, the most glorious
thing that this life has to offer, and,
often, its first steps are in forgiving
the one who could not love you back.
lovejunkie Nov 2017
i feel flourishes
like the full john philip sousa
horn section all blasting at once
inside of my heart, no, not my heart,
not this time, but inside my spirit...
a new day is dawning, and even
more than what is to come, i am
overjoyed at a remembering,
the remembering of who i
was, a strong man, a wise
and a smart man, a kind
man and a devoted man,
whose heart i am slowly
sliding back inside my
chest, becoming the
man i used to be,
and still unwritten,
a happy man... happy,
it seems such a foreign
concept it's been so long,
the man i was born to be
and for a long time was
until i was not allowed
to be him, i was only
allowed to be what
she wanted at any
given second... but
i hold no bitterness in
my heart, it all now seems
just like a bad dream that is
turning to vapour with every
passing second, for i now can
again be me... i am again free
a light at the end of the tunnel,
and realizing that all along,
though the light was always
there, the tunnel was imaginery
and i'll never betray who i am as
a person, ever, ever again
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