This is a letter to the person who made me believe that he loved me.

Yes, you. That's you.


I still remember when we weren't even that close to being friends. You and I, we were both trying to come up to each other but there was always something pulling us back from doing it.

Maybe God was trying to make a way from getting us too close from each other- maybe he knew what was coming. Maybe he already knew that there was a storm coming before it could even hit us.

Let's go back to the days when we started sharing the same space. There was never an assurance of anything we said or what we did. Those "I miss you already", "You're so cute"; to the stares, and the songs we sang together, the quirky smiles and eventually, I find myself holding your hand too, then it went down to hugging you from behind and you don't seem to mind.

I would talk to my friends about you a lot. It would start from the days when i said, "I'm so happy" and escalated to constant phrases of "I'm so tired" and "I can't do this anymore"- and all the sad songs started to make sense.

Believe me when I say you made me happy. You were a much bigger part of my whole, but also broke me at the same time.

Even though you weren't trying to make me happy, yours was effortless, I still felt happy.
Even though I know in yourself tried to love me, and made me believe that you do, I know from the back of your head and the bottom of your heart; I know you're sorry.

I know you're sorry. It's not your fault. Maybe I came off too strong, and I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I loved you.

I know you're sorry for being a little early and a little too late.
I know you're sorry when you can’t be the one to sweep off my feet.

But I guess I'm the one who should be sorry.
I'm sorry for getting tired playing your silly game and for thinking that I ever had a chance on breaking through your walls, when you, yourself, won’t even let anyone in.
I'm sorry for pulling too many false alarms. And because of you, I never thought that loving and hurting could possibly strike at the same time.

I'm so tired of trying, TRYING to understand you but you just won't let me. You won't let me in.
I just want you to feel how worthy you are- that you deserve to be loved and I want you to feel that with me. But you won't let me.
I know you're scared, because I am too.

Are you scared because you're happy?

I know you're scared to love, but you didn't have to make me feel like you do.


But I get it; Maybe you were scared of what could the outcome be.
Maybe you're scared because you didn't want to end up like your parents or you're scared to feel anything deeper than anything deeper than deep.
Maybe you're scared because you didn’t know how to handle problems, fights or anything that relates to feeling something.
Or maybe, just maybe, you're scared because you don’t know how to make a person stay.


So today, we have to start letting go of each other because we're still there. You're still in that phase and I'm still in that place. I'm still that friend, I'm still that "friend" who holds your hand whenever nobody is looking.


It’s so hard for me to actually explain how i truly feel about you when we can't even have a continuous conversation in a normal day. I don't know how you do it but how can you stay friends with someone you like and hold their hand, and act like there's nothing going on between the both of you, but deep inside you know there really is- and the hardest part is you have to pretend it doesn’t mean anything?


But I took that risk. I took every risk just to be the girl you wanted me to be.
But you lost it.
You lost that girl, because you forgot her.
You forgot how she looked like and how she speaks.
You forgot how she looked like in a happy bright Monday when you're all alone and upset, and she's there to lighten you up but you closed the light.
You forgot how she painted your skies blue and made your sun yellow.


You forgot that she notices you even when she's mad and hurting because of you.
You forgot that nobody looked at you like the way she did-
She's all about you; and nobody will ever love you like I do.
But you lost it.

And I want you to know that no matter how much you have hurt me, I will always be here for you and I will keep waiting. I know it wasn't any of your intentions to hurt me like that, but I made you make me feel like I was special when you really didn't want to.


I know a part of you loved me. I felt it - and i know you did too. I just wonder what went wrong. I even question myself what I did wrong, if it has something to do with the way I dress, or with the way I speak, or with the way I let my guard down easily.


But despite everything, thank you. Thank you for showing me a piece of your world, and handing me a piece of your heart;


We, will keep waiting.

Minsan, nakakatamad nang magmahal; kasi kung mahal niyo naman ang isa't-isa, gagawin mo lahat para lang manatili siya sayo.
Pero dumadating rin sa punto na pagod na pagod ka na kakahabol sa kanya,
kung hindi naman niya pinaparamdam sayo na mahal ka rin niya.

You made me believe that you understood me
until i saw you running from me
with hands on your back
with fingers-crossed

I don’t know why i care about you so much
and I don’t know why i love you too
I have put up every ******* you have given me
all the the pain
and all the tears
and god forbid, i still want you happy

you expect me to be someone else i didn’t want to be
and yes, you’ve guessed it right
i did, to refrain from hurting you;
from hurting me
i’m such a fool for you and i will always be
‘cause god, i still want you happy

all i want in this world is for me to feel free
just for a while and please just let me breathe
i’m tied with all these beautiful lies and all these ugly truth
but i tried so hard and man, i’m still trying
and **** this but forsake, i still want you happy

why do i always worry about you? and why don’t i worry about me
i’m such a sucker for you
and look, it’s been a routine
i guess all i do is make you happy
but whatever, i will always make you happy
even if its hurting me

you say vile words that hurt;
but you see,
its okay for me.

you say rasping words that hurt;
but you see,
its still okay for me.

you blurt out painful truths that hurt;
you drag me down out at sea
but no matter how deep it is
and how hard i try to breathe,

it will invariably be okay for me,
even when its not supposed to be.

You noticed me today,
I hope you notice me every day for the rest of the week, for the rest of the month, for the rest of the year

You said my name today,
It was like a song, it was music to my ears and it became my favorite
A song was stuck in my head, on repeat

You talked to me today,
I can't help but clinch my hand every time you express every word with a smile and just makes me want to listen to you all day long

We held hands today,
I felt every rush inside my veins
And a combination of all hearts of hearts as one

Although, at the same rush, i felt every single emotion of anyone could have
I felt happy
I felt confused
I felt happy, mostly confused
I felt happy and a little bit more happy
Until i felt nothing, nothing but confused

Your hand interlocked with mine felt like home
It was warm, gentle and fragile
A home should be taken good care of;
I can run home to you every day for the rest of my life
But it wasn't my home
It wasn't a home for me -
There's no running to because there never was a home

I stand between being confused and happy
Of letting myself go or setting you free
You said you loved me today,
I stand with a pause and you added a phrase, you said
"But leaving her isn't easy"

If you're too scared to tell me how you feel; if you're too scared to tell me that you don't feel the same anymore,
trust me, i would understand.
Don't make me a fool out of you.
Tell me as soon as you think that you feel that way.
Tell me that you hate me,
tell me that you cant handle the difficulty anymore,
tell me everything you want to say.
The words that i don't want to hear yet i need to hear - just say it anyway.

I didn't even ask for karma
yet it hit you anyway

Kung alam mo lang
Kung alam mo lang ang bilang ng mga araw na ika'y tumatakbo sa isipan ko –
na sa bawat bilang ng araw, oras at minuto, may presyo na ginto,
Siguro ngayon pa lang, mayaman na ako

Kung alam mo lang
Kung alam mo lang na tuwing naiidlapan ko ang iyong mga mata,
Gumagaan ang aking loob, bumabagal ang ikot ng mundo,
bumibilis ang tibok ng puso – tumitibok ang iyong puso
Ngunit ito'y may nagmamayari na ng ibang puso

Kung alam mo lang
Kung alam mo lang na ika'y ninanais ko
Ipapakilala ko sa'yo ang aking mundo-
Subukan mo
Baka sakali, baka sakali lang naman
Baka sakaling magustuhan mo at dumating sa punto na gusto **** manatili dito –
Dito; dito ka na lang. Dito ka na lang sa piling ko.
Hindi ko hahayaang magkasugat, mabasag at magkawatak-watak ang iyong puso

Pero kung hindi, hahayaan kita
Pababayaan kita –
Hanggang sa kaya ko na maging masaya na hindi ikaw ang dahilan
Hanggang sa mawala na lang ang aking mga nararamdaman bigla
Hanggang sa hindi na ikaw ang iniisip ko
Hanggang sa hindi na ikaw ang centro ng aking mundo
At ang sanhi ng pagtibok ng puso

At habang ika'y pinapanuod 'kong maging masaya –
Pagmamasdan ko ang iyong ganda; Ika'y inaakit na ng ligaya
Paalam na aking sinta, na tinatawag ko ring “tropa” – pinagkakahiwalay na tayo ng tadhana;
Malaya ka na.

Paano ko ba sisimulan ang sulat na ito na iginagawa ko na naman para sa’yo?
Marami na akong naipon na mga sulat, sulat na punong-puno ng mga walang kwentang kasaysayan at letra na hindi ‘ko maigunita sa iyo
Bakit? Ewan ko, hindi ko alam, putangina may pakialam ka ba?
Hindi ko alam kung ibibigay ko sa’yo ang mga sulat na hindi ko natuluyang ibigay sa’yo dahil Una, hindi ko alam kung may pakialam ka pa sa mga salita ko
Ang aking mga salita na punong-puno ng galit, ng damdamin at pagmamahal
Kasi Pangalawa, noon, kahit walang kwenta ang aking mga sinasabi, ito’y tuluyan **** binibigyan ng halaga
Noon, kahit ako’y galit sa iyo at ika’y galit sa akin, nauubos ang iyong salita at hininga sa mga bagay na gusto kong marinig para lang tayo’y magkaayos
Noon, nakuntento tayo sa isa’t-isa kahit tayo’y naliligaw at nabubulag pa sa mundong ito na punong-puno ng kasinungalingan
Noon, ginagawa mo ang lahat para lang tayo ay magkita
Noon, pinupuno ko ang iyong mga araw nang ligaya at mga ngiting hanggang tenga
Noon, hinahayaan mo lang tayo’y maging masaya
Noon, ako’y sa iyo at ika’y akin
Noon, ika’y andito at wala doon
Noon, ako’y mahal mo at ika’y mahal ko
Naghahanap ng mga dahilan kung saan ako nagkulang, o kung saan ako nagkamali
Kung ito ba’y dahil sa aking pananamit o sa aking pananalita
Kung ito ba’y dahil hindi ako kagaya niya o sadyang nawala na lang talaga ang iyong mga nararamdaman bigla
Kaya inuulit ko, saan ako nagkulang? Saan ako nagkamali?
Nagkulang ba ako sa higpit nang yakap at haplos?
Nagkulang ba ang aking mga boses sa pagsigaw sa mundo na mahal kita?
Nagkulang ba ako sa pagsuyo at sa aking pagamin ng mga kasalanan?
Nagkulang ba ako sa pagbuhos ng aking mga damdamin?
Nagkulang ba ako sa paglaban?
Nagkulang ba ako sa bilang ng araw na mawawala ka na?
Nagkulang ba ako sa halik?
Dahil sinta, kung alam ko lang ng mas maaga pa na ika’y hindi magtatagal, sana’y tinagalan ko ang aking mga halik at inagahan ang aking pagbitaw
Pero hindi,
Kaya ang nagbunga ngayo’y isang babae na katulad ko na
Ngayo’y nasasaktan at nalulunod sa sariling mga luha
Natatapilok sa sariling mga paa, dahil sa sariling katangahan
Ngayon, isang tanga na natalo at nakanganga
Ngayon, umaasa na lang ako sa isang idlap ng iyong mga mata
Ngayon, naghihintay na lang ako sa iyong pagpansin o pagtawag sa aking pangalan
Ngayon, nagbabakasakaling may halaga pa rin ako sa’yo
Ngayon, umaasang iniisip mo pa rin ako
Ngayon, nagbabakasakali na masaya ka na.
Masaya ka na sa kanya.
Masaya ka na sa piling ng iba.
Mas masaya ka na kesa aking nagawa.
Ngayon, nangangarap na lang na maging masaya
Ngayon, sinusubukang kalimutan ka
Pangatlo, dahil ngayon,
Mahal pa rin kita,
at wala ka na.

“Tumakbo ka na”, sabi ng aking mga paa
habang ika’y unti-unting lumalaho sa dilim
at habang ika’y hinahabol ko palayo sa’kin
hinahabol ko ang pagasa; hinahabol ko ang aking hininga

“Huminga ka muna”, sabi ng aking baga
habang pumapatak ang mga malalamig na pawis
nagbabakasakaling maabutan ang dama ng iyong yakap
at makita ang makikintab **** mata

“Pagod na ‘ko”, sabi ng aking puso
“Hindi ka pa ba napapagod? Hindi mo ba naipapansin na malayo na siya sa iyo?”,
dugtong ng puso at labis pigilan ang ikot ng mundo

Patuloy ang lakbay at pilit ‘kong umabot sa piling mo
ngunit kahit gaano kabilis ‘kong palakarin ang mga paa,
ngunit kahit gaano man karaming ikot na ang naidaan ko at ilang patak ng pawis na ang tumulo,
pilit pa ring binabaliktad ng mundo ang daan palayo sa iyo

At kung patuloy akong inililigaw ng buwan patungo sa liwanag
at kung patuloy akong inililigaw ng liwanag patungo sa kadiliman
palayo sa gulo,
bakit nagkaron ng dulo?

At kung tinuturuan pa lang ako ng puso nang umibig ng tama,
bakit ngayon pa?
bakit ngayon pa kung kalian pagod na ang tadhana?
kailan ba sisikat ang araw at sa huli ng storya, tayo ang masaya?

Marami na ang nawala,
mga sugat na ‘di tuluyang naghilom
at mga tahi na nasira,
mga damdamin na pinaraya
at mga ngiting pinalaya

Aakitin rin tayo ng ligaya
darating rin ang panahon na tayo ang maligaya
ng wala sa piling
at sa puso
ng isa’t-isa

Pasensya ka na aking mahal
ngunit hindi ko maitahan ang lumuluhang puso na napilitang pakawalan ang nakaraan –
ang oras ang nakaharang
– Pasensya ka na, hindi kita naabutan

15:01 PM 10/09/2022 PART 1

place and time

"I decided to move on. I wanted to stop thinking about you. I distracted myself and did everything I could just so I could stop thinking about you- even if it was in the worst way possible. I got so lost. It felt like I was in a car crash that hit a tree that was out of nowhere. I didnt know where to go. I needed help."

She said.

"We both needed help. We weren't there for each other." She said as she sighed.

"Im sorry.", she added. Luke shakes his head.

"I am". Aira looks back up and tries to look at Luke in the eye as he avoids looking at her.
"Look at me" but Luke refuses.

Aira reaches for his hand, "I really am." She said, holding it tightly like she meant it.

"It didn't mean I loved you any less. I got so lost in your world, I even forgot I had my own. That's how much I loved you."
Aira said, carresing Luke's hand as tears were falling down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry that was the best I could try."

Luke sits down in awe. He doesnt speak. He lights a cigarette while his hands were shaking; inhales then exhales. He takes his cup, full of beer and finishes it in one go.

I don't want to be someone who's easy to let go of. I don't wanna be the lesson that everybody learns after they leave; i don't want to be the reason why they shouldn't have done their mistakes because, i know, there will always be someone they could treat fragilely. There will always be someone they could treat better - the way they didn't with me.  

I want to be the one who they could treat better. I want to be the correct one after every lesson and mistake.
But sadly - or thankfully, i'm not.
And now, people go run their lives to live them correctly, to pursue their loved ones because they know what they did was wrong; they learned a lesson.
And that is, sadly, because of me.
And i, god forbid, will always be the tutorial;
i will always be the lesson;
and i, will always be the perfect mistake.

Bakit mas pinipili natin
yung mahirap
at kung saan alam
nating masasaktan tayo?

Bakit mas pinipili natin
yung mali habang alam
natin kung ano yung tama?

Bakit tayo nagmamahal
kung iiyak rin naman
tayo?

Bakit mas pinipili
nating lumaban kung alam
nating matatalo rin tayo sa dulo?


Bakit tayo ngumingiti
kung hindi naman talaga
tayo masaya?

Bakit mas pinipili nating
magpatawad ng tao kung
alam nating uulitin lang 'to?


Bakit tayo nalulungkot ng walang dahilan
at bakit tayo napagiiwanan?

Bakit sinasarado ang mga
bintana tuwing
umuulan?


Bakit meron tayong mga
tanong na wala
namang kasagutan?

Bakit dumidilim ang
kalangitan tuwing umaangat
ang buwan?

Bakit tayo nagmamahal
ng mga taong may
mahal ng iba?

Bakit maraming namamatay
sa maling akala?


Ikaw at ako ay pinagtagpo
sa isang mundo;
sa isang mundo na punong-puno
ng walang kasagutan at puro kasinungalingan.

Teka lang, saglit
may isa pa akong katanungan
ngunit alam 'kong hindi mo
ito masasagutan;

Kung ika'y pagpipilian
sa aming dalawa,
Sino mas pipiliin **** saktan?

"Almost" is a word for people like you and I
and "enough" is what your eyes couldnt find
For "everything" is what i tried to offer
and "nothing" was how you felt;
Darling, please let me understand for how could you be so blind?

"Sorry" were constant conversations for mistakes we made and
"Okay" were lies we had to reply
It would go on and on until we're tired
'til the day we wouldnt bother but just stare and sigh

There were nights we said "goodnight" and nights that we dont
'til one night, a thought came, "boy, i treated you right"--

a flash
a ring
a text received that night and
it said "goodbye"

-- "boy, didnt I?"

I thought you wanted me to stay
but i guess that was only me
You told me you loved me everyday
so tell me, why did you even leave?

My family asks where you are and how you've been
I smirk, i say "I don't know. we're okay" confused, "i think we're fine"
I said. "You'll meet him some other time"
Little did they know, we were never going to see each other
Not tomorrow. not even next time

My family asks once again,
but this time i didn't know what to say
I smirked once again, and looked down
I say, "I'm really not okay"

You’re the reason why I wake up - immediately look at my phone every morning,
And the reason why I don’t get up
You’re also the reason why I stay up late all night wondering if you ever think about me,
the same way that I do about you every single night.

You’re the reason why I randomly laugh at random places - shockingly look at people because they’re wondering why I’m laughing and possibly expect that I’m crazy,
And the reason why I secretly cry from all the distressing words you say.

You’re the reason why I write,
And the reason why I don’t.

You’re the reason why I believe in myself that i can do good at everything and,
also the reason why I discourage myself.

You’re the reason why I’m happy,
but also the reason why I’m sad.

You’re the reason why I sing in the shower feeling like I’m in my own concert,
and also the reason why I drown myself in the water.

You’re the reason why I’m strong and,
also the reason why I can’t carry on.

You’re the reason why I’m allergic to cliché, all the lovey dovey type of love, and all the stupid fantasies.

You’re the reason why I play and,
the reason why I frozenly stare at the keys.
You’re the reason why I pass a day with a smile clipping butterflies in my stomach and,
also the reason why I scream at the top of my lungs, wanting the whole world to hear it.

You’re the reason why my heart isn’t longingly staying from its natural beat and,
also the reason why I can’t breathe.

You’re the reason why I’m in my right mind,
but also the reason why I’m demented, unstable and confused.

You’re the reason why I feel like I’m home - somehow fine and,
also the reason why I feel lost at most time.

You’re the reason why I stare at white walls and making unbelievable scenes in my head,
and also the reason why I keep myself busy to keep you off my mind.

You’re the reason why I think I make the right decisions,
but also the reason why I’m drowning from all the mistakes that I’ve done and you, pouring it into me.

You’re the reason why I take medicines to keep myself healthy and also,
the reason why I run away and fill tons of alcohol in my kidney.

You’re the reason why I’m understanding and patient.

You’re the reason why I’m still walking on my own feet and,
also the reason why I’m falling apart nearly on my knees.

You’re the reason why I stay,
and also the reason why I want to leave.

You’re the reason why I want you.
Yes, I do, blame you.
Because look what I have become,
I’m such a fool for you.
But darling, I really do,
want you.

You’re the reason I crave
and the reason why I cave.

You’re the reason why I have these walls and
the reason why it’ll slowly fall.

You’re the reason why I’m writing this long piece of crap with whole bunch of ‘you’re’s and ‘why’s.
I wonder…
Have I ever been your 'reason why’s?