Three years ago today, the moment he walked through the door, it wasn't deja vu, it was a memory of a fantasy I played out in my mind hundreds of times as a little girl, as a teenager, as a woman, finally catching up in real time - a fantasy of a man I would meet someday who would be all I could ever desire in a lover, friend, and husband.
Three years ago today, the moment he walked through the door, standing 6' 14", I recognized him immediately as the nameless, faceless man I imagined for years and I finally felt alive! authentic! electric!
Three years ago today, the moment he walked through the door, I fell irrevocably in love and I never want to put myself back together again.
Regardless of our struggles, stresses, worries, and insecurities,
I love him.
I could lose everything in this world, but as long as I still have him,
I have everything.
Like a sinful seduction, I slip off the edge of sleep,
my eyes are drawn to the darkest shadows of my room... kinetically searching...
I seem to penetrate them, my mind breathes life into them,
they begin to stir and morph into the preludes to my peculiar dreams,
bizarre at first until inevitably familiar,
as if I had lived them indefinite times in the past... and infinite times in the future... remembering... becoming... unfiltered and unaffected...
my subconscious is my truth, awakened by my dreams.
I long to remain lost in this ethereal bliss.
Every day, I am convinced I couldn't be any more in love with him, but I will be...
Next week, tomorrow, even minutes from now.
I used to feel as if love was contained solely within my heart, but not with him;
With him, I am BECOMING love...
with my entire being.
He is my ambitious sunrise
He is my blazing setting sun
He is the seduction of cobalt twilight
He is temperance undone
He is my luminous moon
His celestial eyes, the only stars within my sky
He is my world
He is my love
He is my why
Do you recognize me?
I remember YOU.
No, we will not SEE each other after death;
we will BE each other after death,
as we also were before life.
You will realize that I am you and you are me;
we are everyone and everything, even now.
We are synchronous...simultaneous...endless...
We are LOVE...ALL of us.
There he is...standing in my doorway...
towering...smiling...glistening with confidence.
Is he real? Am I awake?
I have fallen so hard and so deep.
I no longer care where I am or who I am,
as long as he is mine.
when I tell you I love the rain
it is because I love the way it feels on my skin
when I tell you I love the moon
it is because I love the way it looks back at me
when I tell you I love you
it is because I love you
voice in whispered tone
like breathy saxophone
I hold a longing moan
fingers through my strands
ruin all my plans
the way your calloused hands
lips that taste like truth
of gin and dry vermouth
pierced by sinking tooth
I memorize your face
as I fade from this place
forgetting all that time and space
I am completely fascinated by humans:
or at least what they believe to be their needs
So fragile and vulnerable
filled with doubt
weighed down by insecurities
finding joy in the unexpected
always surprised by their own accomplishments
struggling with experiences they thought would be easier
but miraculously solving problems
finding ways to get by
making it through another day
My nights are often filled with lucid dreams
where the whole of humanity is contained within a zoo
They are the rare and exotic creatures I came to admire
...but I feel like a human impostor
A sense of paranoia begins to seep in
like the ominous heaviness you feel before a dream becomes a nightmare
I feel as if they've always known I am not one of them
They've known since the day I was born
They've just been playing along
until someday when my suspicions of self will be confirmed
Maybe that's what death is - the big reveal
Maybe this is how every human feels
Maybe I am human after all
I hope I am
Times I miss:
Post MTV but pre LOL
When Windows were just windows
and a mouse was just a mouse
When an unanswered phone call
meant no one was home,
not that they didn't want to talk
Getting letters in the mail
and mixed tapes from friends
I will take these times to bed with me tonight
They will manifest into new memories
created in my lucid dreams
so I will miss nothing tomorrow
I want to live in a world where umbrellas don't exist
where no one runs to get out of the rain
where everyone stops
with eyes closed
heads laid back
and arms outstretched
welcoming every drop on their skin
as if each one is an intimate kiss
falling from the sky
There is a pillow that lies in your place
it cradles my head and accepts my embrace
I can still smell your vigor when I'm on its case
then I fall into death with a smile on my face
fearless tires kissing wet pavement
jokes exchanged between laughing dogs
street lights whispering secrets to severed sidewalks
applauding leaves appreciating the evening's entertainment
My mind is clouded by clear and sunny days
they are for dreaming
I am truly awake during still dark nights
that transform into electrifying storms
I feel empowered by every blinding bolt of lightning
that seems to illuminate the entire world
for a few scattered seconds
There is no such thing as a "waste of time".
In other universes,
you have accomplished almost everything;
in this one,
you will accomplish everything else.
If only I could have known you for 2 seconds,
I would have spent both of them kissing you.
bare trees seem to gather
along a purple fiery horizon
attentive and still
their envy turning from green to black
as they witness the sun's slow surrender
to the night's dark seduction
I don't like easy,
and I don't get discouraged
when things don't go as planned.
I'm encouraged by struggle and motivated by fear.
Someday things will work out for me,
but when they do,
I am certain I will be very close to death.
I had a dream about you...
We were standing in a garden
I gave you my evil eye
You gave me your Adam's apple
I took a bite and it tasted like forgiveness
My clothes were made of sin
Your boots were made of snakeskin
He's a thundercrash thorncake
Can crush you with a handshake
Juicy as a rare steak
Feeds my dreams
Owns a chartreuse shotgun
Is taller than the noon sun
Has me coming undone
Licks my pain
He's a cyanide thrill ride
A rollercoaster landside
Likes it by the bedside
Fills my ache
I am his and he's mine
Like succotash and sunshine
Exploding like a landmine
Save our souls!
I imagine your touch
to want you this much
I hunger and ache
you are not a mistake
Invite me to dream
****** me like a deep dark kiss
Fly with me
Fight the urge to fall
Waking is my nightmare
I fear I will soon forget you
My existence fading
Too tired to fight
Nothing left to cherish
Hoping to suffocate my hardened heart
I locked it away in a padded box
Intentionally misplacing the key
Then you appeared...
Such a perfect contradiction
Strong and gentle
Warm and cool
A serious man and a playful child
Rescued by your words
Saved by your compassion
You have awakened my emotions
From their deepest sleep
I breathe for you…I wait for you
You're all bark and no bite
How could something wrong feel so right
Wish we could've had just one night
But it wasn't in the cards
I'm alone here while you need space
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
It's the closest thing to any embrace
That I'll ever feel
Whether mountain or molehill
Tears are falling in my milk spill
I swallow down another hard pill
From my half empty glass
Another happiness postponement
Damaged heart and stolen moments
Back to square one
— The End —